I Want to Hold Your Hand (31 page)

She may as well have erected an invisible, electric fence between them. That’s how profoundly he felt the distance creep in, despite the fact she was still sitting on his lap with his arms wrapped around her. He had no choice but to release her when every instinct he had was screaming at him to hold on tighter. Yeah, he really should’ve punched Gavin Guthrie when he’d had the chance.

Hannah put her seatbelt back on, pulled a tissue from her purse and wiped the tears from her face. She didn’t say another word as he drove them to her house. When he carried her bag to the porch, she turned to face him. “Thank you for a wonderful weekend.”

“Why do I feel like everything that happened between us this weekend was undone by one insensitive comment?”

Hannah sighed and her chin trembled.

Nolan wanted to go back to Gavin’s place and take out all his frustration—and he had a lot of it all of a sudden—on Hannah’s brother-in-law.

“I just need some time to think.”

“
Why
, Hannah? We both know exactly how this happened.” Nolan felt like he was fighting for his very life. “Why would you give him the satisfaction of driving a wedge between us right when things are going so well?”

“If he thinks that, maybe other people do, too.”

“
No one
thinks we were together before Caleb died!
Gavin
doesn’t think that. He’s lashing out because he misses his brother and wants everything the way it used to be. It has nothing at all to do with you—or me.”

“I need some time.”

“How much time?”

“I don’t know.”

“Please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry.” Taking her bag from him, she slipped into the house. The door closed quietly behind her.

Nolan wanted to scream with frustration and fear and love and regret. He never should’ve let her be part of the conversation with Gavin. If she hadn’t been there, she never would’ve heard his ugly accusation, and Nolan certainly wouldn’t have shared that with her. Everything would be as it was this morning when they awoke wrapped up in each other.

If he could go back in time twenty-four hours, he wouldn’t have told her Gavin had come by the garage. That was his first huge mistake.

After slamming the driver’s side door to the truck, Nolan started the engine and left dust in his wake as he pulled away. The last place he wanted to go was home where he might encounter his father, who’d surely run through the money Nolan had given him by now.

So he went to the garage and spent the rest of the day catching up on all the paperwork he’d let slide over the last month, desperately trying to think about anything other than the taste of paradise he’d experienced with Hannah and his overwhelming fear that it might be over before it even started. He was paying the bills when Skeeter came into the office.

“What’re you doing here, boss man? Thought you was off romancing your lady this weekend.”

“We’re back now.”

Skeeter took a closer look at Nolan, tipping his head and puckering his lips. “You don’t look too happy to say you finally got what you been wanting for a long time.”

“It’s all screwed up.” Nolan hadn’t planned to say that, but once the words were out, the story of what’d happened up at Gavin’s poured out behind it.

“
Damn
,” Skeeter said as he took a seat. “He really said that?”

“He really did.”

“Doesn’t sound like the Gavin Guthrie I’ve known most of his life.”

“That’s what I said, too. It’s his grief talking. There’s no way he thinks she was fooling around with me when Caleb was still alive. He knows better. But there’s no telling Hannah. All she heard was the accusation coming from someone she loves, someone she’s relied upon greatly over the last seven years.” Nolan smacked his open hand on his desk. “The worst part is she was really happy all weekend. We had a great time together. And now we’re back to square one, all thanks to Gavin.”

“You know . . . I’m just speculating here so bear with me . . . She might’ve taken a step back anyway, even if Gavin hadn’t spouted off.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I assume this was the first time she’s . . . you know, done what she probably did with you, since Caleb died. Once the reality of that sets in, there’s apt to be a bit of a meltdown or whatever women call it when their emotions get the better of ’em.”

Nolan hated to admit that Skeeter was actually making some sense, not that he’d ever tell his old friend that.

“You just gotta be patient with her and let her know you’re not giving up, no matter what gets thrown in your way. This thing with Gavin . . . it’s a setback. It ain’t the end of the world.”

“If you could’ve seen her face when his meaning registered with her, you wouldn’t be so sure it wasn’t the end of the world.”

“It’s a big thing for her to be moving forward with her life after such a terrible loss. There’s apt to be some stopping and starting along the way. You gotta stay calm and roll with it so she knows you’re in it for the long haul.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“Nothing for now. Give her the time she asked for, and be patient with her. It would’ve been a lot to process without Gavin’s unfortunately timed comments.”

“Thanks, Skeet.”

“Any time,” he said with a smile, seeming pleased to know that his words had brought comfort to Nolan.

“What’re you doing here anyway?”

“I got a coupla things to finish that didn’t get done during the week, and Dude is off at her sister’s place today, so I figured I’d work while I had the time. If that’s all right with you.”

“You getting responsible in your old age?”

“
Shit
, boy . . . Don’t get too excited.”

Nolan laughed, which thirty minutes ago he wouldn’t have thought possible. “At least it isn’t religion.”

Skeeter let go with a barking laugh. “No prayer of that happening.”

“The church is better off without you.”

“You know it. Don’t sit around here fretting. Go find something productive to do with all that energy you got zipping around inside you.”

“Thanks again for covering this weekend.”

Skeeter waved off his thanks. “Any time. By the way, Dude said you can have the puppy Wednesday. I figured you’d want to wait until after next weekend’s events to bring him home.” Nolan had finally told Skeeter about the plans for Homer’s funeral.

Nolan wondered if it was still a good idea to get the puppy for Hannah, but he’d deal with that after Homer’s funeral. “You figured right. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Might be afternoon. I wouldn’t want to be too reliable.”

Nolan laughed and stepped into the waning afternoon light. He dropped the mail into the outgoing box and walked to his truck. The hell with it, he thought, heading for home despite the expectation that Vernon would show up again soon looking for more money.

He had a ton of wood he could split for next weekend to keep the fire pit going. That was something he could do for Hannah while he waited to hear if all they were going to get was one amazing weekend together.

 • • • 

After Nolan left, Hannah wandered aimlessly through the big house, trying to think about anything other than what Gavin had implied. She knew Nolan was right, and that Gavin’s harsh words had come from a place of grief rather than anger. However, that he was hurting over something she had done was impossible for her to handle on top of the other recent changes in her life.

She started a load of laundry and curled up in bed to reread Caleb’s journals, flipping through each page slowly so as to absorb every word. Then she took some time to record the latest events in her own journal, something she’d done just about every day of her life since a teacher suggested she keep a journal in sixth grade. The crazy hours she and Nolan had kept during the weekend caught up to her, and she dozed off for a while.

The dream started slowly, wrapping around her subconscious subtly, the same way Nolan had over the last couple of years while she knew he was waiting patiently for her. He wasn’t patient in the dream. Rather, he was passionate and loving, his body wrapped around hers from behind as he slid into her with slow, sensual strokes while his hands cupped her breasts and teased her nipples.

Hannah woke up gasping, on the verge of release, an insistent throb between her legs reminding her of the pleasure she’d known in his arms. She wanted to call him and beg him to forgive her for sending him away, but she couldn’t get her leaden limbs to move to reach for the phone.

For a long time, she lay there looking up at the ceiling as the throbbing subsided and a new ache took up residence in her chest. He’d waited so long, and she’d turned him away. What if she’d driven him away forever? What if she’d tried his patience one time too many? What if . . .

“This is ridiculous,” she muttered as she got up and ran her fingers through her hair to restore some order. Glancing to the other side of the bed, she expected to see Homer there, where he always used to be, and her breath caught in her throat at the reminder that he was gone. “It’s all too much.”

She went to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face and decided to get going on the cleaning that needed to happen before the Sultan invasion began on Friday. Starting with the attic bedroom, she scrubbed and dusted and vacuumed all ten bedrooms and five bathrooms until they gleamed.

The washer and dryer ran all night with linens and towels that had grown musty after a year in the linen closet. It had been that long since the Sultans last came together, for the sixth anniversary of Caleb’s death. The usual Labor Day gathering hadn’t happened last year because one of them had gotten married in late August, so everyone had been together then.

Austin and Debra’s wedding at Lake Tahoe had been beautiful and poignant and agonizing because Caleb wasn’t there to serve as his oldest friend’s best man, so Austin’s other best friend, Gavin, had done the job both brothers would’ve done had Caleb been alive.

Gavin
 . . .

How he could imply that she’d ever been anything other than entirely faithful to his brother remained beyond her ability to comprehend hours later.

She was still grappling with how to handle the rift with Gavin the next day. Fresh off the sleepless night, she was at the grocery store when it opened at seven and arrived home two hours later with everything she needed to make five lasagnas, a huge pot of chili, cornbread, salsa, beef stew and the chicken enchiladas she was famous for among the Sultans. No weekend together was complete without them, or so they always told her.

The doorbell rang at noon as she was putting the third pan of lasagna in the oven to bake. Hannah wiped her hands on her apron and went to answer the door on legs that were starting to tire after the long hours of work.

“Hey, Mom. Come in. I’m not used to you ringing the doorbell.”

“I don’t want to interrupt anything,” Molly said with a wink.

The reminder that there was nothing to interrupt slammed into Hannah’s gut, leaving her breathless and exhausted from the effort to outrun the pain. She was almost surprised to discover the pain had sharpened from a dull ache into a lacerating wound while she was busy cooking and cleaning. The frenetic activity hadn’t helped at all.

“Hannah? Honey, what is it? What’s wrong?” Molly took a closer look at her oldest daughter. “Why do you have dark circles under your eyes that weren’t there yesterday?”

Over coffee in the kitchen, Hannah told her mother what’d happened at Gavin’s and how she’d reacted to it.

“Oh honey. Why in the world would he say such an awful thing to you?”

“That’s the part I don’t get. He knows it’s not true. Nolan says he’s reacting out of grief and doesn’t really believe it, but still. He said it, so the thought must’ve crossed his mind.”

“For what it’s worth, I think Nolan is right. It was a shock for Gavin to hear you’re dating again and seeing someone who has been a close friend to him and his brother since childhood. Because his reaction is so far out of character, we probably need to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to grief.”

“I hate that something I did hurt him.”

“That’s not what hurt him, Hannah. Caleb’s death is what hurt him. It’s what continues to hurt him after all this time. You haven’t done anything wrong by spending time with Nolan.”

“What if other people in town think we were together before Caleb died?”

“No one who knows you even the slightest bit would ever suspect such a thing.”

“Gavin did, and he knows me as well as anyone does.”

“Gavin wasn’t thinking clearly when he said that.” She laid her hand over Hannah’s, infusing warmth into Hannah’s cold hand. “You sent Nolan away because of this?”

“I was reeling. I needed to think, and I couldn’t do that with him here.”

“And have you done your thinking?”

Hannah nodded.

“And?”

“And I love Nolan. I’ve loved him for a long time. Whenever one of you would tell me he’d asked for me—which was just about every day for years—I’d get this tingle in my belly at knowing he was thinking of me. I always knew he was waiting for me to be ready, and I thought I was ready.”

“You
are
ready, Hannah, or you never could’ve spent a weekend away with him. Judging from the glow you were wearing when you got home yesterday, it’s safe to assume an awful lot transpired between the two of you while you were gone.”

“It did.”

“Please don’t let one person’s poor reaction undo all that progress.”

“It’s not just any person, Mom. It’s
Gavin
.”

“I know, honey. But even he doesn’t have the right to stand between you and the happiness you so richly deserve.”

“Before I see Nolan again, I need to be sure I’m ready. I can’t keep jerking him around like this. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Then take a couple more days, but don’t wait too long to make up your mind. He looks at you like a man in love. Your father said that last night, and I had to agree. It’s a lovely thing to see after all the time you’ve spent alone.”

“It is a lovely thing,” Hannah said softly.

“Then don’t let it go, Hannah. Do your thinking and move forward the way you have been, so courageously and with such conviction. Gavin will come to his senses and realize he owes you a huge apology. I’m surprised you haven’t already heard from him.” Molly took a look around at the mess Hannah had made of the kitchen. “Are you trying to cram a week’s worth of work into one day?”