I Want to Hold Your Hand (32 page)

“Maybe,” Hannah said with a sheepish grin.

“A little at a time, my love. Let’s get this cleaned up before you fall over from exhaustion.”

CHAPTER 22

People say the stupidest things. “At least you’re still young. You can marry again.” “Thank goodness you didn’t have children.” “Time heals all wounds.” “Caleb would’ve wanted you to love again.” They mean well, but how do they know that? He never said that to me, so how do they know? I wish now I hadn’t been so rigid about waiting for him to grow up before we had children. I didn’t know he’d never get the chance to finish growing up. I’ve learned that Caleb bought extra life insurance when he joined the army, so he left me with more money than I know what to do with. It would’ve been nice if he’d also left me some indication of how I’m supposed to LIVE without him. The pain is ruthless. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

—From the diary of Hannah Abbott Guthrie, age twenty-eight

H
annah slept fitfully that night and was up early on Tuesday to prepare for her meeting with Mrs. Hendricks, the owner of the Butler Inn, who’d agreed to mentor her through the opening of the retreat.

She rushed through a shower, dried her hair and got dressed in jeans, boots and a lightweight sweater. After grabbing a travel mug of coffee, she went out the mudroom door and found Gavin leaning against her SUV. The sky above them was dark and stormy looking.

Startled to see him, Hannah nearly dropped the coffee. When she recovered her bearings, she took a closer look and saw that his eyes were red and raw, as if he hadn’t slept or had been crying. Either was possible. He also hadn’t shaved and his hair was unrulier than usual. As always, she knew a moment of disquiet at his shocking resemblance to her late husband.

“Sorry to scare you. I was working up the nerve to knock on your door.”

Hannah knew she should say something, but she couldn’t seem to form the words and part of her didn’t want to let him off the hook too easily.

“I’m so sorry, Hannah.” His eyes filled with tears as he said the words. “I don’t know what in the hell possessed me to say that to you the other day when it has never once crossed my mind that you were anything other than faithful to him.”

As she blew out the deep breath she’d been holding for two days, she blinked back her own tears.

“I was shocked to hear you’re seeing Nolan, and I behaved badly. Will you please forgive me?”

“Yes, of course I forgive you.” The alternative was impossible to consider, and his apology had been beyond heartfelt.

The relief on his face was palpable. “On the way over here I was thinking about what I’d do if you couldn’t forgive me. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hadn’t, but the thought of losing you, too, was . . .” He shook his head and stared at something over her shoulder.

“You hurt me, Gav.”

His wince was audible. “I know.”

“You hurt Nolan, too.”

“I’m going to see him next.”

“It took me a really long time to work up the nerve to go out with him. A really long time, and you know what he did for all that time?”

Gavin shook his head.

“He waited.” Hannah curled her hands around the warm mug. “I should’ve told you myself when I saw you last week. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered how I heard. Between that news and losing Homer . . . I was thrown off balance last week. That’s my only excuse.”

“You think I don’t know how precarious the balance can be, Gav? I get it. Trust me, I get it better than anyone, but you and me . . . We’ve been in this together from day one, and it would break me if I lost you, too.”

“You’re not going to lose me.” He stepped forward and put his arms around her.

Hannah relaxed into his embrace, relieved and thankful for his apology.

“So you and Nolan, huh?”

“If I haven’t blown it.”

He drew back from her. “What do you mean?”

“After what happened at your place, I sort of took a step back from him so I could have some room to think.”

“How about I tell him you’re done thinking?”

Hannah smiled and shook her head. “I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry about it.”

“I will worry about it until I know you guys are back on track.”

“Someone was bound to say something that would send me reeling, so don’t beat yourself up.”

“I’m really sorry it was me. You both deserved better from me, and it won’t happen again.”

“I’m sorry you were blindsided. That won’t happen again either.”

“Fair enough.”

“Could I ask you something so incredibly awkward it doesn’t even bear asking, but it occurred to me the other day, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“After that segue, how could I resist?”

Hannah could barely make herself look at him. “I just, I wondered . . . because of how upset you were about me seeing Nolan, if perhaps maybe you had held out hope of some sort that you and I—”

He held up his hands. “
Whoa
, Hannah. I might’ve considered it for about ten minutes after Caleb first died, but I immediately dismissed it as something that could never happen because of how strange it would be for both of us—and I knew that no matter how hard I tried or how much I look like him, I could never fill that void for you. Whoever you chose to date, I think the first time would’ve thrown me for a loop. In my mind, you’ll always belong to him.”

“I will
always
belong to him, Gavin. Always. But I may also belong to Nolan, too, and I need you to be okay with that.”

“I am. I swear I am.”

She eyed him skeptically.

“I’m getting there.”

Smiling, she hugged him again. “Thanks for coming and for clearing the air. You’re so important to me. Regardless of where I am or who I’m with, I’ll always be a Guthrie.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way. See you this weekend?”

“I’m counting on you to give Homer a world-class send-off.”

“I’ll be there.”

Hannah watched him go, noting the familiar stride that was just like his brother’s. The hunch of his shoulders reminded her of the weeks after Caleb died, when his devastation had been so profound she and others had worried about him looking for a way out of the pain. Sometimes she suspected the only reason he hadn’t taken that route was because of what it would’ve done to his parents.

Gavin drove off in his company truck, and Hannah got in her car and headed to her appointment with Mrs. Hendricks. Afterward, she would stop by Nolan’s garage to get her tire pressure checked.

Pleased with her plan, she could only hope he’d be pleased to see her.

 • • • 

Returning from a service call that had required him to change a tire in the pouring rain, Nolan was soaked to the skin, pissed off and sleep deprived when he pulled up to the garage.

He hadn’t slept since sometime on Saturday, and his muscles were screaming from the workout he’d put them through splitting wood. While he’d appreciated Gavin’s visit earlier and was relieved to hear he’d apologized to Hannah, Nolan still hadn’t heard from her and until he did, his entire world was tilted off its axis.

If he’d never experienced the sweet surrender he’d found in her arms over the weekend, he probably could’ve gone on with his life. But knowing what they could have together and wondering if they’d get the chance to find out had left him edgy and out of sorts.

According to Skeeter, he was cranky as an angry alligator. It was probably an apt analogy, because he felt like he could bite someone’s head off if they looked at him the wrong way.

“Um, boss man?”

Nolan never slowed on his path to his office. “Not now, Skeet. I’m wet, cold and in bad need of dry clothes.”

“But, Nolan . . .”

“
Not now
, Skeeter.”

“Alrighty then. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”

Nolan threw open the office door to find Hannah sitting at his desk, booted feet on the desktop and an issue of
Car and Driver
in her hands. He nearly fainted with the rush of oxygen that flooded his brain at the sight of her.

“Did you know the new Corvette Stingray V-8 coupe has 455 horsepower and 460 pound-feet of torque?”

He leaned against the doorframe, mostly so he would remain standing when the initial blast of adrenaline deserted him. “Do you have any idea what that means?” he asked, amused by the question.

“Not the first clue, but I take it to mean it’s fast as hell and turns on a dime.”

“Excellent deduction, Einstein. What’re you doing here?”

“I needed to get my air pressure checked. My tires were looking a little soft.”

“Skeeter could’ve done that for you.”

She looked directly at him. “I don’t want Skeeter.”

“What do you want?”

“You.”

Nolan’s heart beat double time. “Are you sure?”

“That was never in doubt, Nolan.”

“I take it you saw Gavin this morning?”

“I did. You, too?”

“Yeah. By the time he was finished groveling, I wanted to apologize to him. It’s hard to see him still so messed up after all this time. I keep hoping it’ll get better for him, but sometimes I wonder if he’ll ever be able to move past it.”

“He will, eventually. When he’s ready.” She took a closer look at him. “How’d you get all wet?”

“Road-call tire change in the mud. Long story.” He looked behind the door and was disappointed to find the hook where he kept extra clothes empty. Then he remembered taking everything home to wash a week ago. The clothes he’d hoped to change into were home in his dryer. “I’m going to run home to change. Want me to check your tires first?”

“No, but maybe you could take me home with you?”

Nolan wrestled with a hundred different thoughts that raced through his mind at lightning speed. Hannah wanted to go home with him, which meant Hannah wanted to be alone with him. Since he wanted nothing more than to spend more time with her, he wanted to grab her hand and drag her out of there. Then there was the concern that his father might show up. But Vernon would expect to find him at the garage at this time of day, not at home, so it might be safe.

“Let’s go.”

Her eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Hurry up or I might change my mind.” As if he’d ever change his mind where she was concerned.

Her feet dropped to the floor and she was out of the chair in two seconds flat. “Could I keep this?” she asked of the magazine.

“Sure, knock yourself out.”

“I want to know more about cars.”

“Because you’re thinking about a new one?”

“That and because you’re interested in them.”

Nolan wanted to drag her into his arms and kiss her senseless, but he was wet and dirty and she was pretty and perfect and looking at him as if he’d hung the moon. “Move it,” he said in a low growl, as he gave her a swat on the backside to get her going. “Skeeter,” he called into the garage. “I’m going to run home to change. Don’t tell anyone where I am.” Skeeter knew exactly what that meant.

“So by anyone, do you mean—”

“
Anyone
.”

“Got it.” Skeeter smiled as he took in the sight of Nolan’s hand riding low on Hannah’s back. “Take your time. I’ll cover for you.”

“Shut up, Skeeter.”

“I’m available
all
afternoon if need be.”

“Shut
up
, Skeeter.”

“I’m shutting up, and I’m going back to work. For the afternoon.”

Hannah was giggling madly by the time Nolan handed her up into his truck. “Quit laughing. You’ll only encourage him.”

“He’s adorable.”

“Oh yeah. Positively adorable the way a skunk in heat is adorable.”

That set her off again.

Shaking his head and filled with overwhelming joy to hear her laughing again, he walked around to the driver’s side. Before he started the truck, he stared at her for a long, breathless moment.

“What?”

“I missed you. Even though it was only one day, I was going crazy without you.”

“Nolan,” she said softly as she slid across the bench seat to lay her hand on his face. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop. No apologies for doing what you needed to do.”

“Then I won’t apologize for doing this either.” She drew him into a warm, soft, sweet kiss that would’ve brought him to his knees had he been standing.

“You never have to apologize for doing that either.”

“I missed you, too.”

Nolan reached around her to find the center lap belt, which he clipped around her waist to keep her sitting right next to him as he pulled out of the parking lot. He’d never been so sorry that his garage was right across the street from the Abbotts’ store. Otherwise, he might’ve sat right in his parking lot and made out with her until their lips were numb.

As it was, he was already hard as a rock despite wet, cold pants that were becoming tighter by the second. And then her hand landed on his thigh, and the last thing he was thinking about was the cold. “Don’t get too close. I’m dirty
and
wet.”

“I don’t care.”

The slap of the windshield wipers kept pace with the gallop of his heart. “I do.”