I Will Always Love You (30 page)

The rest of the sentences swam together on the page as Vanessa shrieked in excitement. A Filmmaker for Change grant was notoriously
hard to get, which was why she’d practically forgotten about sending in the application. She hadn’t wanted to get her hopes
up. But now, her future spread out before her like a promising sunrise. Instead of drifting from one production assistant
job to another, she was going to be working on her own project in the place where film originated. Which was way better than Iceland.

“Yes!” she yelled, her voice echoing down the stairwell. She was so busy jumping up and down on the landing in glee, she didn’t
even notice the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

“Are you working out or something?” Dan asked nervously as he reached the landing. Although he and Vanessa were perfectly
cordial toward each other, being roommates had its awkward moments, like the one time last spring Vanessa had burst into Dan’s
bedroom to look for her old camera equipment, only to find Serena and Dan entwined on his bed.

Vanessa spontaneously threw her arms around Dan’s skinny waist. “I got the fellowship! I’m going to Indonesia! I’m a fucking
filmmaker for change!” she screamed into his ear, her voice echoing in the stairwell. She felt Dan’s body stiffen and she immediately let go.
“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

“No, congratulations!” Dan said, a smile crawling across his face. “I’ve never seen you jump up and down like this. What is
it for?”

“Oh my God, I’m freaking out!” Vanessa exhaled and tried to compose herself. She gripped the iron railing for support. In
her excitement, she’d forgotten that Dan would have no clue what she was talking about. She hadn’t told anyone she’d applied.
And she and Dan hadn’t really talked much in the last year.

“I need some fresh air! Come outside with me?” Vanessa asked, practically running down the winding staircase. She threw open
the front door and took big gulps of cold air. “Woo-hoo!” she yelled into the night sky.

“Wait, so you’re going to Indonesia?” Dan asked, slightly out of breath from running after her.

“Yeah! I applied for a grant to make my own film in Indonesia. It’s where film was born.”

“Wow,” Dan said, impressed. “That’s fucking huge! Congrats.”

“Thanks.” Vanessa smiled shyly. “I can’t believe I’m going to be moving to Indonesia in less than six months.”

Dan believed it though. Vanessa was so smart and motivated. It was really nice to see her get something she obviously wanted so badly.

“Let’s go somewhere to celebrate,” Dan decided. Vanessa deserved it.

Vanessa smiled giddily. For a second, she imagined what Hollis would say if he heard about the grant, but then she pushed
the thought out of her mind. She didn’t need him anymore. “Can we go to that hummus place? I’m starving!”

“Sure.” Dan turned on his heel, heading toward the hole-in-the-wall on the corner that had a different name every month. He
loved that Vanessa considered hummus celebratory. “I’m hungry too. They just had those teeny-tiny chicken skewers and pigs
in a blanket at the Iowa thing.”

Vanessa wrinkled her nose. “Besides that, how was it?” She asked as she fell into step with Dan. She’d forgotten he wouldn’t
be in New York next year, either.

“It was amazing,” he told her eagerly. “A couple of the professors were there, and it’s really intense. These are all guys
who’ve won Pushcarts and been short-listed for the National Book Award.” He shrugged and opened the door. The restaurant was
empty except for one lone employee behind the counter. “I just can’t wait to really work with them, you know? Just immerse
myself in writing,” he said as he sat at one of the rickety tables in the corner.

“I’ll order. I know what you always get.” Vanessa headed to the counter and returned with a tray laden with pita bread and
bowls of hummus, and falafel balls. Dan took a bite of falafel, then passed the rest to Vanessa. Vanessa smiled. They always
used to share food.

“Sorry,” Dan pulled his hand back, as if he saw Vanessa’s hesitation as rejection.

“No, I want it,” she said, accepting the half-eaten falafel.

“So, are you really ready to leave New York?” Dan asked. It was weird to think about Vanessa leaving. Even though he hadn’t
really spent any time with her in the past year, it had been comforting to see her camera on the counter, her army green messenger
bag by the door, her boxes of Sleepytime tea in the cabinets.

“I won’t know until I’m gone,” Vanessa replied. “How ’bout you?”

Dan shrugged his reply. A comfortable silence fell between them as they ate. They were always able to talk, or not talk. Sometimes
Serena would assume that he was angry if he didn’t say something all the time.

It was nice, just sitting at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant on Broadway, splitting a late-night snack. It reminded him of a
time when everything was easy and safe. He randomly thought of a Proust quote he’d read in one of his lit classes: The true paradises are ones we have lost.

Does that mean there’s trouble in his current paradise?

time to party…

From:
[email protected]

To:
[email protected]

Subject: party

Hey Jenny,

It was cool to meet you at my mom’s place last night. Wanted to let you know that I’m spinning at the Plastic Party People
Party on Saturday. It’s at Filter, on Fourteenth and Tenth, starting at midnight. Bring friends, you’re on the list.

—Ty

From:
[email protected]

To:
[email protected]

Subject: Re: party

Dear Tyler,

It was great meeting you too! Your party sounds like a ton of fun, but my boyfriend already got us tickets to see The Nutcracker
that night. Break a leg or a disc or whatever the DJ term for good luck is!

—Jenny

the best presents are surprises

“Thanks, Mom,” Serena said as she pulled a pair of strappy silver and blue Jimmy Choos from out of a brightly wrapped box.
It was ten o’clock on Christmas morning, and the family had already had a formal Christmas breakfast in the dining room. She
tried to conceal a yawn. She hadn’t slept at all last night.

“I thought that color would look great with your eyes. And I’m sure you’ll have so many events to go to next year.” Lily van
der Woodsen looked fondly at her daughter from a club chair in the corner of the living room. Now that Serena and Erik were
grown up, they no longer opened presents at dawn beside the towering tree in the living room. Instead, they opened a few small
expensive trinkets, after breakfast.

Serena took a swig of coffee. In truth, she probably wouldn’t have any events to go to next year in Iowa. Except maybe poetry readings.

Last night, after her parents had gone to bed, she, Erik, and his fiancée, Fiona, had had a long conversation about long-distance
love while drinking homemade cocktails from her parents’ extensive liquor cabinet. Fiona was a six-foot-tall blond Australian
surfer whom Erik met on a beach in Melbourne during his junior year abroad. She was clearly head over heels for Erik, she
was funny as hell, and Serena was glad they were going to be sisters so soon. After a few drinks, Serena had worked up the
courage to ask them if they thought long-distance could ever really work. Ever since Dan had found out he was going to Iowa,
she’d been nervous about how they’d deal with the separation. Of course, that was when she still thought she had a few years
of college left. But now that she was graduating, she could do anything she wanted. And all she could think to do was follow
Dan, even though they’d never officially talked about it.

What Fiona had said when it came to her and Erik’s relationship sealed the decision for Serena. “I told him I’d follow him
wherever he went,” Fiona had said proudly, without apology. “And if he was with another girl when he got there, I’d cut his
balls off.”

“Who could say no to that?” Erik had teased, kissing her.

That was all the reassurance Serena needed. If Dan was going to Iowa, then so would she. She’d even found a place for them.
The house was a fantastic two-bedroom bungalow designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, next to a river and surrounded by trees. The
grainy picture on the website made it almost look like a sailboat with all these wonderful built-in cabinets and furniture.
It was forty-five minutes away from Iowa City, but that wasn’t too bad. Besides, they’d both have cars, and after living in
the middle of the biggest city in the world for their whole lives, Serena couldn’t think of anything more romantic than settling
down with her boyfriend so far away from the rest of humanity. After all, all they needed was each other.

No Barneys, no Elizabeth Arden, no City Bakery cookies… Is she crazy?

According to the Web site, the house was available for rent, but Serena wanted to work out all the details before she told
Dan. She was fine waiting a day to tell him in person, even if it did feel like torture right now.

“This is from me,” Fiona said, smiling as she held a thin, silver-wrapped present toward Serena. Serena slid her finger under
the tape and eagerly ripped off the wrapping paper. Inside was a photo album. On the inside cover was inscribed:

To Serena—

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”—St. Augustine.

Enjoy!

Love, Fiona

“Oh my God, so cool!” Serena grinned as she flipped through the pages. Fiona had traveled the world for two years before she
started college, a fact that always made Serena envious. Serena had always wanted to do that, but the closest she’d come was
a few weeks in the south of France when she was a senior in high school. Inside were pages of photographs, hand-drawn maps,
contact lists, and need-to-know information about different countries and cities around the world. “Did you really make this?”
Serena asked.

“I know you like adventure, but you’d be well off to avoid making my travel mistakes.” Fiona winked.

“Not like you’ll have too much time to travel. Once you find a job, you’ll really need to buckle down for those first few
years,” Mr. van der Woodsen remarked as he peered over Serena’s shoulder.

Serena smiled tightly. She’d tell her parents about the Iowa plan after she told Dan.

“This is great, Fiona,” she said, continuing to flip through the pages. As she came across a photo of Carnivale in Spain,
it dawned on her that a life spent with Dan in Iowa wouldn’t leave her much opportunity to travel. They wouldn’t have any
money, and he’d be too busy writing all the time. Serena felt unexpected tears spring to her eyes.

She rubbed her eye with her index finger, as if she were just readjusting a contact lens.

Fiona winked at her. “Now what do you say we set up a Bloody Mary bar in the kitchen?”

Serena nodded and trailed behind Fiona toward the kitchen, feeling deflated. Fiona saw her as an adventurous, gutsy girl who
needed practical travel tips for Belize and Thailand. Instead, her grand adventure was booking a one-way ticket to a flat
state few New Yorkers could point to on a map.

Well, maybe if she moves there, people will start to visit.

“Essa!” Moxie blurted happily from Ruby’s hip as Ruby opened the paint-caked door to her Prospect Heights walk-up on Christmas
Day. Moxie was dressed in a T-shirt with a pigeon wearing oversize headphones and black leggings, her thin brown hair tied
in two sloppy braids. She looked like a very short Williamsburg hipster.

“Merry Christmas, little sis!” Ruby hugged Vanessa warmly. Ruby wore a pair of gray pajama pants and a black SugarDaddy tank
top with no bra. Behind her, Piotr had on red Santa-print flannel pants and a felt Santa hat. As children, Ruby and Vanessa
had never celebrated Christmas. Their dad was Jewish and their mom thought the holiday was too commercial. Ruby was obviously
determined to let Moxie have her fun with Santa.

“Merry Christmas, guys!” Vanessa exclaimed, breezing into their cheerful one-bedroom apartment. It looked so domestic, with
a silver garland wrapped along the molding of the ceiling, a pile of presents in the corner, and a small tree in the center
of the room. The only relic from their artistic past was the large painting of a nude figure astride a bull mastiff dog wedged
behind the couch.

“Watch this.” Ruby grinned as she picked up Moxie and put her next to the pile of presents. Moxie curiously pulled on a silver
bow and then tossed the present back under the tree.

“She doesn’t really get it yet.” Ruby shrugged. Vanessa grinned absently, her mind a million miles away. What would Christmas
be like in Indonesia? What if she didn’t make any friends and her movie sucked? What if while she was gone, Dan and Serena
got engaged?

Which apocalyptic scenario does not belong with the others?

“Hello?” Ruby snapped her fingers in front of Vanessa’s face, breaking her out of her reverie.

“I got that Filmmakers for Change grant to go to Indonesia for two years. Everything paid for.” Vanessa grinned shyly. Saying
it made her feel better, more sure of herself. The grant was an honor most young filmmakers only dreamed of.

“Oh my God!” Ruby squealed, hugging her.

“God!” Moxie yelled happily from the floor, the silver bow clutched in her chubby hands. Ruby rolled her eyes. “Piotr, Vanessa’s
going to Indonesia!”

“Well, I mean, I got it, but—”

“But you are going,” Piotr said in his slow, careful English from the couch.

“There goes our free babysitting,” Ruby said mournfully. “Just kidding,” she added quickly.

Vanessa smiled wanly. Could she really do this? The fellowship was for two years, and while theoretically she could visit
home, she couldn’t imagine a trip back to the U.S. would be cheap. And two years was sort of a long time. Moxie would be talking
in full sentences by then. What if she didn’t even remember Vanessa?

“Should I go?” she asked in a small voice she didn’t quite recognize as her own.

Ruby pursed her lips together as she sat down next to Piotr. “Well, I met Piotr when I left for that SugarDaddy foreign tour.
I was scared too, but it all worked out so totally well.”