If Forever Comes (25 page)

With Logan, nothing seemed forced, and he
stood there watching me without the scrutiny of those who judged,
those who wanted responses from me that I didn’t want to
give.

They’d wanted me to promise them I was okay
when I wasn’t.

Logan had never once asked me things I didn’t
want to tell.

Christian’s presence slipped just under the
surface of my skin. And it hurt and it longed, whispered a call I
didn’t think I’d ever be able to heed. Because that whisper burned,
the memory of that beautiful man ingrained so deeply in my spirit
that it now felt like a burden. He’d always be there, a part of me.
There was no ridding myself of something so strong. He’d called me
today. I’d let it go to voicemail because I
just…couldn’t.

I managed to push all thoughts of Christian
down, tucked them inside where I hid everything else, and focused
on Logan.

I offered him a little honesty. “It’s hard for
me to see her growing up like this.” I lifted my shoulders in a
confounded shrug. “But then I’m so happy to see her this excited.”
I paused, chewed at my lip before I fully leveled my eyes on him.
“I just want her to be happy.”

Simple.

Just like I felt things were with
Logan.

“You’re a good mom, Liz.” His nod was slow and
meaningful.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said through a
scoff, then shook it off. “Anyway, I better get going.” I pointed
to my car as if asking him to remove himself from it.

“You have plans tonight?”

“No, not really. I’m just going to get some
laundry done.”

He laughed and turned his attention to the
deepening sky. He was grinning when he looked back at me from the
side, his arms crossed up high on his chest. “That’s really sad,
Liz.” Those green eyes gleamed with the tease.

I dropped my gaze to my feet and released a
self-conscious chuckle. “Exciting, right?”

“Not so much.” He shifted a little. “Listen…I
have dinner simmering on the stove. Why don’t you come over? We can
wallow in our little girls growing up together.”

I took a single step back. “I don’t think
that’s a good idea.”

“Oh, come on, how could it be a bad idea? I
have dinner and wine. There aren’t many things better than
that.”

Over my shoulder, I gazed at the house. Lights
glowed bright from all the windows. So much life was happening
inside.

I wanted to…I wanted to do something different
than spending another night alone at my house. Each night this week
it had just gotten harder to bear.

Still, something held me back, a hesitation
that hammered in my heart.

Something that felt inherently
wrong.

“Why don’t you drive back to your house,” he
continued, “leave your car, and you can ride over with me. That way
you can have a glass of wine, relax, enjoy yourself a
little.”

I wavered, my head tipped to the side as I
tried to decipher his intention. I wasn’t a fool. I saw it in his
eyes, read it in his actions, the way he stayed just a little too
long and talked just a little too much, the attraction that was
there. I knew he wanted something to develop between us.

Could it?

Now?

In time?

I just didn’t know.

As if he read every last one of my thoughts,
he shook his head and laughed. “God, Liz, you worry too much. It’s
just dinner.” His toothy grin was wide and without a trace of
strain. Nonchalant.

But was it? Was that what he really intended
it to be? Is that what I intended? Because I was lonely. I could
admit it now. I
missed
something, but I couldn’t exactly
pinpoint what it was that I was missing.

I finally conceded, because in the end, I
couldn’t stand the thought of walking into the emptiness of my
house. “That sounds nice, I guess.”

His smile widened even more. “You guess, huh?”
He splayed his hand over his heart. “You wound me, Liz.”

A sputter of laughter tripped from my mouth. I
couldn’t help it.

Then he stood and straightened himself out.
“Let me grab my car, and I’ll follow you over.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

By the time I sat down in my car, I was
shaking. I fumbled to get the key into the ignition. I glanced to
where Logan was parked on the opposite side of the street, facing
me.

What was I doing?

God, I had no idea.

I had no idea what I felt or what I
needed.

Starting my car, I flipped a U-turn and headed
back toward my house. Headlights gleamed in my rearview mirror, a
constant reminder that a different man than the one I’d thought I’d
spend my life with tailed me, followed with unknown intentions. I
had a feeling tonight he would make them clear.

I pulled into my garage and cut the engine. My
heart skittered, and I couldn’t tell if it was a pleasant or
unwelcomed sensation.

I will try
.

I realized this was part of it, moving on,
living
. Hiding away was no longer an option.

With the keypad, I tapped in the code and
closed the garage. I started toward Logan’s car. I couldn’t help
but grin when he ran around to the passenger door and opened it,
dipped himself in an exaggerated bow.

“Ma’am.”

I laughed, and it felt good.

Present Day, Early
October

Night steadily swallowed the heavens, a
blanket of darkness strewn across the sky. Under it, I felt caged.
Edgy. My headlights splayed across the road, the cabin dim, the
high whine of my engine nipping at my ears as I sped the short
distance from Matthew and Natalie’s house to
Elizabeth’s.

I didn’t matter if she was there or not. I’d
wait.

It was time
.

Time to bring all this shit out into the open.
Grief fisted my chest, thrashed at my ribs as words that needed to
be said, hurt that needed to be confessed.

I knew Elizabeth had plenty of her own that
needed to be shed.

Impatience bounced my knee as I stopped at a
red stoplight. Thirty seconds passed like an eternity. Finally, it
changed, and I accelerated, surging through the thick evening
traffic. I merged into the turn lane and made a left onto the
narrow road. Trees rose up on every side. Lights glowed their
warmth from the windows where families ate dinner within the walls
of their houses, where they played and laughed and loved. This
neighborhood had always felt that way. Safe. Peaceful. Like
home.

Twice I’d driven this road when I had been
certain my heart would pound right out of my chest. Falter. Cease
to sustain my life.

The first was the day I’d come here not even
knowing my daughter’s name, not knowing the circumstances of their
lives or the pain my decisions had brought them. I’d been
unprepared then for what I had found. Elizabeth living alone,
without love, solely supporting the daughter I’d
abandoned.

That day had broken me, thrusting all my
regrets and mistakes to the forefront. I’d finally had to accept
the true consequences of the appalling choices I had made. But in
that day, I’d still found light. A purpose. Hope. An inundating
swell of devotion had pulsed steadily through my veins as I watched
the two girls I loved with all of me embracing each other at the
end of Elizabeth’s drive. That moment in time marked the day when I
made the decision to take my family back. When I’d stood up, taken
on the responsibility that had always been mine. When I finally
knew I had to make it
right
.

The second was today.

As I inched my car down the quieted hush of
the neighborhood street, my heart rate ratcheted high. It thundered
to a roar in my ears and sloshed blood through my veins, pushed and
pressed and tugged.

I approached slowly.

Three long blinks shielded my disbelieving
eyes, the air punched from my lungs. I didn’t want to see. Still, I
couldn’t help but look, as if I were drawn to the
slaughter.

Like I’d done that first day, I pulled to the
curb on the opposite side of the road and concealed myself behind
the cover of another car.

But unlike then, today was without that hope.
Without the bright flash of light that had been injected into my
weary life.

Today, there was just anger and pain and
anguish that shocked across my skin.

A tremor shook me, rattled to my bones, and I
struggled to draw in a breath of stifled air. But there was none to
be found.

Part of me was screaming at myself to get up,
to get out, to stop the ruin playing out in slow motion in front of
me.

The other was frozen, pinned to that wall that
seemed impossible to break free from.

Pain slammed me, sliced me in two, severing
the few frayed threads that were holding my sanity together. That
one that had held the last piece of my heart.

My vision blurred.

That asshole was here, standing at the
passenger door of his car, holding it open as if he were some kind
of fucked up knight in shining armor.

Playing a bastard’s game where he won and I
lost my family.

Elizabeth rushed down her driveway to where he
waited for her on the street.

And she laughed.

She fucking laughed and got in his
car.

He slammed her door shut and ran around to the
driver’s side. Brake lights flashed as he shifted the car into
drive. Easing back onto the road, he headed in the opposite
direction than the way we normally came in from the main
street.

He was taking her to his house.

I knew it.

Motherfucker.

Images assaulted my mind. My fingers
constricted around the steering wheel, my knuckles white. Furiously
I blinked, struggling to see through the madness that clouded my
sight. Anger singed my blood, pounded faster and harder and
consumed every inch of my being.

Had they been doing this? Sneaking away? When
Lizzie was at my house, was she with him?

Unable to stop myself, I followed, knowing
there was no other choice. I fought to grasp onto one rational
thought as I trailed them at a distance. Taillights burned a path
ahead of me, like a beacon. Or maybe a warning flare.

Because the end result of this night remained
unknown.

But it would have a result.

And it very well may be the end.

Present Day, Early
October

Logan pulled his car into his
garage.

I spent the entire ride over fretting,
questioning the decision I made to come here.

And the ride had been short.

That didn’t mean a million thoughts hadn’t
spun through my overactive mind, confusion and contention and
doubt.

Inside, I’d warred.

I guess what scared me most was I really
didn’t know myself anymore. Didn’t recognize the woman sitting in
this seat who was going to another man’s house.