If I Forget You (28 page)

“Will you come see Jordan?” Heaven asked, wiping her cheeks. “My parents are talking with the doctor right now, so they’re all distracted.”

More tears. Avery studied Heaven’s makeup-free face. Her dreadlocks were pulled back into a ponytail. They looked more unnaturally red than usual in the harsh hospital lighting. She still hadn’t changed out of her jeans and button-down shirt. Avery wanted to wrap her in a hug, but Heaven wasn’t the hugging type.

“Distracted?” Avery asked. “Why is that important?”

Heaven opened her red-rimmed eyes. “I
know
if he sees you it will all come back. If I can sneak you in there for just two seconds, it would be perfect.”

Avery stuttered for a moment. Her stomach churned. “What do you mean ‘it will all come back’?”

“He doesn’t remember anything,” Heaven said quietly enough so the other people in the waiting room couldn’t hear her. “The doctor says the memories might come back to him in a few days, or never, but it’s … I think if he sees you it will help.”

“What exactly has he forgotten?” This couldn’t be happening. Nobody forgot things around here except her.

Silence. Heaven met Avery’s eyes and shook her head. “You,” she finally whispered. “He’s forgotten you
—
everything that’s happened in the past few months is just
gone
. He’s going to slip right back into his mopey-Jordan phase when all this is over.”

The entire idea of Jordan forgetting her seemed wrong somehow, like a shirt turned inside-out. Avery stuttered for a moment, unable to come up with anything.

“I think if he sees you it’ll all come back,” Heaven said, grabbing Avery’s hand. “You’re the last strong emotional tie he had before the accident. The doctor says he shouldn’t see anyone outside of family this soon, but if I don’t do this now, who the hell knows how long it’ll be before they’ll let you in to see him? You’re important to him, Avery. You’ve made him happier than I’ve seen him in the
longest
time. I’m not going to let that go to waste. Not now.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” Avery gasped as Heaven tugged her into an elevator. She knew she wasn’t ready for what awaited her. For the first time in her life she was about to find out what it was like for someone to forget her instead of the other way around.

* * *

Heaven was right. At the moment there seemed to be a lull around Jordan’s room, but Avery doubted it would last long. She gathered up her courage and stepped into the room filled with monitors and lights and wires, all of it leading to the hospital bed where Jordan lay. She could see right away that he was in no state for visitors. He was still hooked up to an oxygen mask and an IV, his left leg and right arm in traction. His face wasn’t scratched or torn, but his left arm was covered in bandages, as well as his collarbone. Along his shoulder, peeking out from underneath a bandage, was part of his tattoo. She wondered if it was permanently ruined now. She hated to imagine what the rest of him looked like beneath the blanket, his once perfect body now torn up.

For a long moment they looked at each other. His eyes were only slits, but the longer she stood there holding her breath, the wider they opened. She sensed Heaven behind her, waiting.

Say something, Avery …

But she didn’t know what to say or do, so she finally let out her breath and wrung her hands as all the memories of Jordan spilled over her in waves. Running into him on the stairs. The cactus. Making out with him on his couch. The chocolate torte. The benches in the park. Riding on his motorcycle. The rock candy sucker. The traffic lights on his skin through the coffee shop window. The amazing weekend at his house. The toothbrush he gave her.

She remembered all of it just as if it had happened that morning, just as she remembered everything about her father. She realized then it was the things that struck her straight to the core that she remembered best. Jordan was one of them, and now he didn’t even know who she was. He studied her, his face wrinkling up with confusion.

“Do I know you?” he asked, his voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

Her eyes filling with tears, she nodded. She’d been right to worry about hurting him. Just as she’d predicted, she’d hurt him beyond repair.

“Heaven thought you’d remember me if you saw me,” she answered as her tears spilled free, “but I guess not.”

He made a weak attempt to raise his left hand. “Come here. Please?”

Heaven nudged her shoulder and she took a cautious step forward. If what they said was true, the Jordan in front of her was not the Jordan she knew. As she neared the bed, his eyes swept across her face. She studied him in return. Scruff had grown across his jaw since yesterday. Even his eyes, usually such bright points of blue, were now dull and cloudy. He was silent for a long time. The beep of the heart monitor seemed to go on forever.

“I don’t know you,” he said softly, each breath fogging up his oxygen mask. “They tell me I’ve forgotten things.”

She nodded. “Do you remember how I told you I forget everything? I know how you feel.” She wanted to laugh, but it suddenly wasn’t funny anymore.

He shook his head, wincing. “I’m sorry I don’t remember you …” His eyes rolled back in his head and he tensed up as the heart monitor picked up speed. Avery looked at Heaven in alarm.

“Sorry,” Jordan said and opened his eyes. “I’m sorry I don’t remember you.”

She gulped down a lump in her throat. “It’s okay. Maybe you’ll remember in a little while.”

He nodded and repeated for the third time, “I’m sorry I don’t remember you.”

She held on to the tenderness in his voice, the way he shaped his words like he’d always shaped them, even though he was pumped full of pain meds. She hadn’t even noticed the way he talked before. She hadn’t noticed the little freckle under his right eye either. She’d thought there was so much time to get to know him, and now it was all slipping away. He might not ever remember her. Even if she stuck around, there was no guarantee he’d ever feel the same about her.

“Um, we gotta go,” Heaven hissed, and grabbed Avery’s hand to drag her out of the room. “Jordan, don’t tell
anyone
we were here.”

Turning to leave, Avery nearly tripped over her own feet.

“You seem really nice,” Jordan softly called out just as she reached the door.

She looked over her shoulder and gave him a weak smile, the chasm in her heart so deep it nearly split her in two.

25

Avery’s mother was in the waiting room when Avery returned. It didn’t surprise Avery to see her chatting with some random stranger instead of Chloe.

“Avery!” Her mom jumped up and ran into Avery’s arms. “Oh, honey, I’ve missed you.”

Avery gave her a squeeze. “I missed you too, but it’s only been six weeks, Mom.”

“It feels like a lifetime. Talking on the phone isn’t enough.” She pulled away and cupped Avery’s face in her hands. “Who is this boy? Did they let you see him? Is he okay?”

Avery glanced at Chloe, who shrugged. “Didn’t Chloe tell you anything?”

“She told me he’s your neighbor. She told me you spent a whole weekend with him and how important he is to you. Why didn’t you tell me any of this, honey? It sounds like a big deal. My little baby is growing up.”

Avery sniffed. Her mother and Chloe had no idea it was all over now. Jordan had forgotten her and nothing would ever be the same again. “I don’t really want to talk about it.” Her chin trembled as she stepped away from her mom’s arms. “Nobody knows for sure if he’ll remember me. We weren’t even together for two weeks.”

Her mother’s mouth dropped open. “He doesn’t remember you?”

“No, isn’t that funny?”

“What are you talking about? That’s not funny at all.”

Avery muttered nonsense under her breath. She felt so tense and cold at the same time. She balled her hands into fists, shaking her head as she stomped toward the door. “I’m ready to leave,” she said loudly enough for Chloe to hear.

The drive home was silent. Avery sat in the back seat, her arms folded. She rushed for her bedroom as soon as she was inside the house, and locked the door behind her. She glanced at her bed and cringed.

A knock on the door.

“Avery? It’s Mom. I just wanted you to know Jordan’s mother called. She said you’re welcome to go back to the hospital anytime. She’s not sure when you’ll be able to see Jordan, but you can go just in case.”

“Just in case?” Avery sighed. “I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want him to remember what made him get in that accident in the first place. It’s better if he doesn’t remember it at all.”

There was a long pause. Avery could hear her mom lean against the door. “You don’t want him to remember you? Chloe told me you two were in love. Isn’t that something you want back?”

“I don’t know,” Avery answered quietly. “I don’t know what I want.”

After another minute of silence, Avery realized her mom had walked away. She went to the bathroom and got in the shower, wishing she could wash everything down the drain. Kent, the accident, all of her mistakes, but most of all she wanted to wash away the ache in her chest, as if someone had carved out a huge hole and poured concrete into it. If going to the hospital every single day meant she could get rid of that feeling, she’d do it.

* * *

They moved Jordan out of the ICU after a week. Avery went to see him every day after classes were over. She stood in the doorway, watching Heaven and his parents fuss over him. When they saw her they waved her forward, but it was the same thing every time. Jordan would look at her, study her face, and then shake his head.

“You look familiar now, I guess,” he said when it was just him and Heaven and Avery in the room, “but I don’t know if it’s because you’ve been coming for a few days or if I’m remembering you from before.”

“But you don’t remember anything that happened?” Heaven asked, squeezing her hands together. “Try, Jordan. Please?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop it, Heaven. Why do you always have to try to fix everything?”

“I’m not discussing this right now,” Heaven muttered. “Avery’s here and you should be trying to remember her, not arguing with me.”

Jordan let out a long sigh and shifted his position as much as he could. That wasn’t much, since his leg and arm were still in traction. “Maybe you should consider
me
for a bit, huh?” he snapped. “I don’t know Avery, and I’m not going to magically remember her if it hasn’t happened by now.”

He spoke as if she wasn’t there, and it was then she realized her earlier fears were completely founded. Jordan wasn’t going to remember her, ever. He was stuck in the past, and everyone around him was stuck in the present. Every day he seemed to get angrier. He hated the hospital. He complained about the food and the room and the traction. Most of the time he looked at Avery as if she was one of the nurses, not someone who had fallen in love with him and then lost him.

“I think I’ll head home now,” she said softly as he and Heaven continued to bicker. “I guess I’ll come back tomorrow.”

But she didn’t return the next day. On Tuesday, she stood in line at the hot dog truck, holding her umbrella close as a light drizzle fell from the sky.

“Already ordered for you,” Owen said as he walked toward her from the front of the line. She hadn’t realized he was ahead of her. Usually he met her at the back of the line. He held out her food.

“I’ll pay you,” she said, shifting her umbrella to the crook of her arm so she could reach into her bag.

“Won’t even hear of it,” he laughed. “Come on. Let’s find someplace dry.”

They walked to the gray building by the gardens and sat down to eat.

“How goes it at the hospital?” Owen asked. “Any progress?”

Avery shrugged. She had filled Owen in on the entire story, excluding what had happened with Kent. Chloe had been bugging her in private to tell her more, but a part of her refused to believe it had even happened. Another part of her couldn’t let it go, couldn’t let it stop gnawing away at her. Eventually it would consume her as soon as the bigger, more immediate, things going on were taken care of. Kent hadn’t shown up for English class since it had happened. She was glad. If she saw him again she’d probably punch him in the face. Either that or run away. She honestly didn’t know which.

“That good, huh?” Owen sighed. “I’m sorry. Is your mom still here?”

“Yeah, she won’t leave. I thought I missed her, but now that we’re living under the same roof again it’s like I’ve gone backward. She and Chloe fight all the time about the dumbest things. Last night it was over how Mom washes the dishes. I just hide out in my room most of the time.”

“Hey, I would too. You sure you don’t want to stay at my place again?”

She looked up at him, searching for a hint of ulterior motive, but there didn’t seem to be any. He was concerned and that was it. She reached up to push some hair away from his forehead, just to see if there was a spark between them when her fingers brushed his skin. Nothing. Maybe it really was possible to stay friends with a guy without it moving into the realm of awkward.

“I’ll let you know,” she answered. “I think Mom would flip if I just left. She’s convinced she needs to be here in my time of need, so I don’t want to slap her in the face or anything.”

“Understandable. Well, the invitation is open
—
unless, of course, I start bringing my dates home for the night. I doubt that will happen anytime soon.” He laughed as he dumped the last of his chips into his mouth. “But who knows.”

“Still dating the same girls?” she asked, focusing on the uneaten food in her lap.

“Nah, I’m asking different ones out each time. Trying to find one that clicks.” His laugh stopped halfway out his throat as he turned to look at her. His expression fell. “Sorry, I know you’ve lost Jordan now, so I
—
”

She waved her hand and looked out at the garden. “It was good while it lasted. I mean that, really. It was amazing. But like you said before, sometimes things work out and sometimes they don’t. I’m trying to move on. I’ll finish the quarter and decide what I want to do from there. Jordan is alive and he’s going to be okay. That’s all that matters, right?”