If Only (17 page)

It’s gone on for more than
long enough.

Curling up on my side, buried under my bed cover, I feel
a million times better now that we’ve spoken. I’d stay on the phone to Joe
forever, if it were possible. His slow, smooth voice always soothes me and the
edge of late night and sleep approaching make it huskier, sexier.

I wondered what he’d have
thought or said if he’d known I’d slipped out of my undershirt and panties
during our chat. For some reason, I felt the need to be naked with him, even
though he wasn’t here in person. It brought him closer. I imagined how we’d
feel, skin to skin, under my comforter.

I wondered what he’d have
thought or said if he knew that most of the time I had my hand between my legs,
my own dirty little secret. His voice is like sex to me, creeping up inside me,
his warmth running through me. It was easy to allow that tonight; I have no one
to suffer the guilt over, it didn’t feel wrong. If this is the way things will
be, I’m certain I’ll be establishing another fine art based around Joe; the art
of coming quietly.

I spent the whole
conversation wondering what he’d have said if I told him all of a sudden, out
of nowhere, that I love him. And that he is why I couldn’t make a full
commitment to Nick. This secret has become a heavy burden to bear, but Joe
doesn’t commit, he can’t give me what I want. I’d never make do, even for him.
We have a strong friendship that’s worth keeping, irrespective of anything
else.

My sister and Su have always
told me Joe behaves the way he does because he, “Just needs the right woman,”
and that I should confess my feelings. “You’re close, you have a special bond,”
they always said. Yeah, right! Not a chance, never would I risk rejection from
him. When Paige told him she loved him, he ran away. Joe is not the type of guy
you profess your love to – period! No way am I stupid enough to believe that I
can be the one to tame him, how deluded would that make me? Why would
I
be so special?

Friendship is our best option, and I prefer that over
nothing at all.

****

After finishing my shift at the gallery, I arrive home
miserable and restless. For the past three nights I’ve been this way and I
didn’t sleep much last night.

Sitting at the kitchen
table, with my laptop, I’m looking up the latest movie releases. An evening
lost in fiction might help me relax and not think. It’s the thinking that’s the
problem and it’s starting to drive me insane.

When my relationship with
Nick ended, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, that I’d have a few difficult weeks,
but I didn’t expect to feel worse over time. I still miss him and a part of me
regrets my decision. Deep down I know I did the right thing, but that doesn’t
stop me questioning my choices. My feelings are conflicted at the moment. I’m
uncertain whether it’s Nick I miss, or having someone, though I believe it’s
more likely the former. I also question if I let it all go on for too long with
him, or if I should’ve tried harder. Maybe I should’ve moved in with him, to
see how it felt, I could always have moved back out. I wanted time by myself,
yet being on my own isn’t so great. A complete contradiction of emotions and that’s
what’s causing the restlessness.

I’ve been back and forth
between all my options and decisions without any kind of conclusion. I couldn’t
even bring myself to see Eddie again, who thankfully understood it’s too soon
for me. The last thing I want is to add further complications into the mix.

“Hey, what’s up?” Su asks,
walking into the kitchen.

Still scanning the screen on
my computer, I reply, “I’m just looking at the movie listings. I need to get
out.”

“Why don’t we go together?
Zack can do his own thing, and we can do something, just us.”

“That’d be nice. Is there
something you want to see, or do you wonna go eat somewhere?” I ask, gazing up
at her standing beside me.

She shrugs, smiling. “I
really don’t mind, either. You decide, I’m gonna take a quick
shower.”    

We arrive at the local
theater forty minutes before the thriller we’ve chosen is due to start. There
isn’t a line, so we get our tickets right away. We sit in our preferred spot,
middle of the back row. There aren’t many people in here, just one small group
of friends at the front.

Throwing
a
salted
popcorn, up in the air above me, I tilt my head back intending to
catch it in my mouth. I miss, narrowly. Instead, it hits against my chest and
rolls down into my cleavage. I pick it out with my fingers and eat it.

I have another attempt –
throw, tilt, miss it.

And another – throw, tilt,
third time lucky, I catch it. Hell, yeah.

‘Simple things please simple
minds.’ It’s working as a good distraction, so I keep doing it. After a few
more successful and unsuccessful attempts, I notice Su watching me with
curiosity in her brown eyes. She
really fucking
rocks
that blonde bob like no other.
 

“What’s wrong?” she
eventually asks.

“Nothing.”
 

“Hey, guys,” a female voice I
recognize calls, from my right.

“Saffron,” I say, my
attention darting to her.

She and Adam sit with us,
seeming pleased to have encountered Su and me here. Usually I wouldn’t mind. Usually
I’d be as happy as they are, but I don’t need this tonight. I don’t envy what
they have, I admire it.

I desire it.

They’re a perfect couple.
Just like Su and Zack are.
It isn’t their fault I’m so
miserable, but encountering Saffron and Adam in this type of scenario isn’t
good for me. It especially doesn’t help that
it’s
Joe’s brother, of all people. I just don’t get it, so many things about Joe and
Adam are similar; their features, their beliefs, and a number of their
interests. Yet what they want from women is at opposite poles. 

I’ve been thinking about Joe
more than usual, since our call on the weekend. I’ve realized that having Nick
made it easier to keep my feelings for Joe somewhat suppressed. Don’t get me
wrong, my love for him has always been there, and at times it’s been hard, but
I could deal when I had someone else I cared about. The other breakups with
Nick were more like
time outs
, meaning there was still a connection
between us. I knew we’d get back together. When we did, we’d be good until it
wasn’t enough for him and he wanted more. I loved him, and the relationship we
had, I just couldn’t commit on a deeper level, even though I hoped I’d change
over time and want the same thing. But it never happened.

Now I’m officially single
and in love with Joe, and dealing with that is so much harder.

Another set of conflicting
emotions; thinking about Joe so much more, but not wanting to think about him
at all. I’ve even gone from being super excited about the plans we have coming
up to questioning if it’s really bad timing. Overall, I hope the fun and
distractions will help. 

The four of us discuss the
thriller we’re waiting to see. The lights are still on, and people continue to
arrive. Time has frozen. The minutes don’t seem to be passing. I just want the
movie to start already.

More
popcorn throwing.
The first one I
catch. The second one lands in Saffron’s lap.

“Sorry,” I say, snickering
as I pick it off of her.

“You okay?” she whispers,
though I know Adam can hear.

I nod with the best smile I
can manage. Not at all is the real answer to that question.

Another throw, this time it
bounces off of my chin and onto the floor in front of me. The lights start to
dim, the darkness consuming us. The previews start, bringing the theater back
to life.

Perfect picture selection,
the plot had me tense and gripped throughout. That was just what I needed, one
hundred and two minutes of something other than my emotions to focus on.
Outside the building, Su and I hug Saffron and Adam and say our goodbyes.
Linking arms, my best friend and I start our walk home.

“So what’s the matter? And
don’t say nothing,” Su says, glancing sideways at me. 

I shrug, conflicted, fed up,
pathetic. “I wish I knew.”

Tugging on my arm, she pulls
me into a diner we’re passing. There’s only a group of four people sitting by
the window, and the chef and one waitress talking to each other behind the
counter. We sit at the back of the restaurant, in the corner, with veggie
burgers and fries. I’m not hungry, so pick at my bun and a fry or two. Su’s
silent, her gaze following my fingers as they fiddle with my food. She hasn’t
touched hers.

“I don’t know what to tell
you, Su, I don’t understand my own head at the moment.”

“Zack saw Nick last week. He
only remembered to tell me last night.” I’m happy they don’t do motocross
together anymore, so any meetings between the two of them will be by chance
only. It makes things easier for me.

“I feel a lot of guilt where
Nick is concerned; I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He deserved better, I
never should’ve kept him for so long.”

“Is that what’s bothering
you?”

“No.” I slouch back in my
seat and push my plate to one side. “He offered me everything I desired from a
relationship. Who in their right mind walks away from that? Who in their right
mind, instead, loves someone who offers nothing?”

“You don’t really know that,
Callie, not for sure.” I shake my head. “You don’t. Sure, he doesn’t act like
it, but I stand by what I say, the guy just needs the right woman.”

I stare her straight in the
eyes. She has way too much faith in Joe, and as much as I love him, I’m not too
blind to see what is obvious. Joe doesn’t have relationships; one night stands
and fuck buddies is as good as it gets. “When he got with Paige I hated it, but
it gave me some faith in him and look what happened there. He can’t offer me
what I want.”

And right there is my
problem. I want love, commitment and trust. I want Joe. But he can’t give me
those things. So where does that leave me? Fucked, that’s where.

Absolutely fucked!

Sighing hard, I tip forward
and rest my forehead on the table top. “Su, I’m gonna be single forever. I’m
growing old alone, unless I fall out of love with Joe.” I close my eyes, my
chest tightening with pain and recognition. I’m now, for the first time,
truly
facing up to the reality of this bullshit. If I was ever going to be with
anyone that isn’t Joe, it would’ve been Nick. I’m positive about that. But I
couldn’t do it, so that’s it, I am fucked.

“If that’s the way it is
then it’s time you talk to him.” My head snaps up, eyes-wide, my jaw literally
smacks off the table. “Don’t look at me like that. You can’t go on like this.
Think about how you two are with each other. I’m not saying he feels what you
do, but he’s probably never considered it because you’ve always been with Nick.
Have you forgotten that first day we arrived in BlackArt? The way he looked at
you?”

Actually, yes, I have. I
straighten up. “That was seven years ago, that’s got nothing to do with now.”

“As I said, he probably hasn’t
considered it because of Nick. You never know now that things have
changed
.
Either way, your feelings aren’t going to alter, so you either tell him, or you
can’t be friends. You can’t go on like this, that’s for sure. You do have
choices. You’re scared, I can see that, but don’t let your fear hold you back.
Carrying on as you are isn’t an option, Callie. I’ve never seen you so unsure,
or troubled.”

Just the idea of telling Joe
brings on a rush of nausea, but excluding him from my life doesn’t seem possible,
at all. Going on like this doesn’t seem workable, either, not if the past three
days is anything to go by. But if I tell him and he doesn’t want me, then what?
He’ll know how I feel, and I’ll probably hate myself for sharing it with him.
How could we stay friends after that? I don’t want to lose his friendship, not
ever.

“How about this,” Su says,
as though an idea has suddenly struck. She leans toward me. I mirror her body
language. “What if I talk to Saff after we get back? Maybe even on the weekend,
if the opportunity presents itself. I won’t go straight in with the love talk,
in fact, I won’t even say you like him. I’ll just drop it as a, “I think they’d
be great together,” and see what she says. She’ll know for sure if there’s a
chance. If it’s a bad idea, then you’ll have no choice but to get over him.”

Even thinking of that makes
my gut tighten, but it would be much easier. Christ, the thought of finding out
he’s not interested scares the shit out of me. Maybe I do need to know. My
feelings for Joe have remained solid over the years and I don’t see that
changing without cause. Something’s got to give. “Okay,” I mumble, with fear
spiking through me.

“Perfect! Now, please, relax
until then and enjoy the weekend.”

I’m the first to arrive at the meeting point. Gerard
and Dane decided to harass some women at the coffee shop. I have no interest in
that shit, so instead of joining them, I’m waiting here, finishing my espresso.
As I head to the trash can, to throw away my cup, I see Callie pulling into the
lot, in her dad’s black Escalade. She parks and gets out, her gaze scanning the
area.