If Only (20 page)

“Because we can’t, Joe,
we’re friends. Let’s not make this messy.” I shove him away using all the
physical, and mental, strength I have and keep him back from me with my hands
to his chest. I can feel his fierce heartbeat pounding away under my palms.
It’s as heavy as my own.

“I love you, Callie,” he
says, his gaze claiming mine.

My entire body becomes as
still as a clay model. I can’t move. I can’t believe my ears.

Would he really go so far
just to fuck me?

I drive him farther away and
sit up. “What the hell, Joe? You can’t do this. Go put that shit on someone
else, don’t you dare try it with me.” I’m furious and confused; confused by his
words, and the raging desire still within me, and furious because I don’t know
why he’s saying this.

This man does
not
do
love, and I’m no fool.

“I’m serious, you have no
idea how much I’ve wanted you.”

I can only stare at him.
Speech is impossible, I can’t even blink. Before I become mobile, his lips are
all over me, my nose, my mouth, down my chin to my neck. I still can’t move.
Why is he saying this? Warm mouth covers my nipple.

Shit, shit, this is way too
much.

I move away and this time I stand
up. “This is fucking ridiculous, Joe, you can’t be serious. Do you really think
I would buy this shit?”

There’s a rustle in the
bushes to my left. Joe jumps up and takes up a defensive stance in front of me,
both of us looking to the noise.

Gerard leaps out.

“Bastard!”
I shout at him, as I bend down to pick up my shirt
and start putting it on. I’m not embarrassed about being dressed in only my
panties, but right now I feel more naked than ever before. For the first time
ever, I need to be away from Joe. I can’t comprehend the crap he’s trying out
here.

Gerard walks toward us,
slowly, with his hands raised like it’s a stickup. He stops still on the spot.
“Sorry, guys, I didn’t mean to scare you. I heard raised voices, so came up to
check on you. I see you’ve finally made moves on each other.”  

“What?” I spit at him. “What
the fuck does that mean?”

“I’m just sayin’ it’s about
time is all. I see I’ve gotten the wrong idea, though.”

“Yeah, you have,” Joe
says. 

“Please, fuck off, Gerard,”
I say, turning to pick up my stuff.

He makes a quick exit, and I
feel nothing but anger now. I can’t believe Joe would drop that love shit on
me. I’m aware of him standing there, behind me, watching me. I’m rolling up my
sleeping bag, ready to return to the tent. I’m leaving tonight.

“Look, I’m sorry, please
stay. I won’t say another word, or do anything.”

“You just can’t do that,
Joe, it’s not fair,” I whine. I feel quite fucking pathetic now.

“I know, don’t go. Let’s
just forget I said anything.”

I want to stay.
Why
did he have to do this?

Sighing heavy with
frustration, I replace my sleeping bag on the ground. I slip into it, zip it
up, and lay back with the top pulled up to under my armpits. My arms folded
over my chest, I stare up at the stars.

Joe sits down. I know he’s
watching me, probably waiting for me to say something. I close my eyes. I can’t
look at him, or speak to him.

Why would he try that with
me, he can have any woman he wants? I didn’t, for one second, think Joe was
like that. Confused, I sigh as light as I can, so he won’t hear me. Shit, this
is messy. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Before I can stop myself, I exhale hard with
annoyance
.
Dammit.

I replay it all in my head;
his actions and his words.

Is it really possible that
he … that we? It seems too good to be true, but
is
it? I’m sure he
wouldn’t mess me around, we’re too close for that. He’s not like that. When
Paige said she loved him, he ended things, so he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t
mean it. But he said he didn’t want anything that deep, that’s
why
he
ended it. He hasn’t gotten close to any of the women he’s been with since then,
and there’ve been more than a few, I can tell you. None of this makes sense.

“Joe?” I whisper. I don’t
know what to say.

“Yeah?” he answers, in a
voice level with mine.

I lose my nerve.
“Nothing.”

Damn it, what did she want to say? I can’t believe I
screwed up like that. What an almighty fuck up?

I lie back on my sleeping
bag, arms folded behind my head. If she’d rejected me and said she didn’t feel
the same, I could find a way to deal and move on. I’d have no choice. But the
problem seems to be that she doubts me, she doesn’t believe me. She even kissed
me back.

She kissed me back.

Not only that, her passion
matched mine – she wanted it just as much as me.

Looking over at her, biting
down on her bottom lip, brings the memory right back. I can still taste her.
That was so much more than I ever imagined. I never intended on kissing her as
hard as I did, not for the first time, but the feel and taste of her took me
over. That mouth was beyond any I’ve experienced before. Maybe it was too much.
Maybe I should’ve spoken to her first.

Allowing my gaze to linger,
I can see her beautiful eyes, now open, sparkling in the low light of the
lantern. I’m right back at her mouth. I know for certain it won’t be possible
for us to move forward from what’s happened tonight, not without talking about
it. No matter what, we have to resolve things. “Callie?” 

She covers her face with
both hands. “Please, not now, Joe.” Shit, she sounds so confused.

I will get her to talk to
me, I still have all night. Somehow, I need to make her realize that not only
do I mean what I say, but she
can
trust me. I’m disappointed she
believes I’d play her like that, I thought she knew me better.

We remain in silence for
some time, us each with our own thoughts. I’ve never wanted to know what she’s
thinking as much as I do right now.

“Joe?” she calls, just above
a whisper.

“Yeah?”
I keep my gaze aimed up, and I can see that she is
also.

“Do you … do you remember
the night I took those Jujutsu photos of you? After we talked in the parking
lot … then you escorted me home?”

“Of course I do.”

I hear her take a deep
breath. “That’s when I knew for certain that I loved you.”

I stop breathing. Now my
heart starts to thunder. What the
...
did she
really
just say
that? I prop myself up on my elbows and look over at her. “What did you say?”

“Nothing, forget it.” She
closes her eyes and turns her head away from me.

“Not likely. Callie, look at
me.”

After a significant pause,
she does. I can’t believe what she said, that goes way beyond anything I’d even
hoped for at this stage. She
loves
me?

I move over to lie next to
her. Supporting myself on my forearm, I stare down into her eyes, which shift
from mine and squeeze shut. I know she meant it. I don’t need to hear it again,
it was right there. It was right there along with her fears and her doubts.

Somehow, I have to find the
words. She needs that.

Is this really happening? If this is a dream then I’d
like to wake up, please. Right now! I’m hoping it’s a premonition telling me
how not to do things with Joe.

It’s not a dream. It’s not a
premonition, either. Shit.

Using every shred of
determination I can muster, I open my eyes and I look into Joe’s coffee colored
depths, which are darker, more intense. His face is inches away from mine. My
respiration halts, as he moves closer. His lips barely touch mine. He waits. I
place my hand against his cheek. And kiss him.

Unlike before, this time
we’re reserved, hesitant. It’s nothing more than a simple press of our lips.
It’s perfect.

I want to stay like this
forever.

Moving from my mouth, Joe
softly pecks the tip of my nose. We stay silent, our gazes locked, my hand
curled around the back of his neck. I don’t think either of us can find the
words right now. He did mean it. I can see it. For the first time, I can see it.

The worst thing is – it’s
always been there.

How did I miss it?
Recognizing that intensifies the love I feel for him.
Breathe, Callie
. I
close my eyes and inhale.

Joe breaks the silence. “If
this was just about sex, I’d have made a move long ago.” His voice is low,
gentle, wanting. I look at him. “It’s so much more than that. You’re the
only
woman I’ve ever loved.”

I can’t believe this. “Why
haven’t you said anything before now?” I whisper.

“You were with Nick. And I
wasn’t sure you were ready for the type of relationship I wanted with you. All
your resistance with a guy you said you loved and then that rebound thing with
Jackson. I wanted something that could go somewhere, and you needed to be ready
for that, or so I thought. I was waiting for the right time.”

“Joe ...
you
were my
problem. I couldn’t stop loving you, even though I wanted to. I saw the way you
were and I thought I could never have you, so I tried to make it work with
Nick. Loving you made that impossible.”

He pauses, disbelief clouding
his expression. “You gave me no clue,” he says, shaking his head. “I didn’t see
it. If I had, I’d have said something from the start; I wouldn’t have waited
all this time. I’ve wanted you since the first day you came into BlackArt, no
way would I have waited until now if I knew. You are so fucking right for me,
in every way. All those one night stands and flings were just because I wanted
to be free the moment you were. None of those women came close to you, so I
didn’t invest time in them. You set the bar, Baby cake.”

Just when I thought he
couldn’t surprise me anymore, he went and said that. I pull away to sit up. I
look down at him, still lying on his side, propped up on one elbow. “Joe,
seeing that is what kept me away from you. I didn’t think I could have what I
wanted with you, it seemed like you sought the total opposite. Saffron said you
weren’t interested in commitment, when I first met you, and that never seemed
to change.”

“Before you came on the
scene the last thing I wanted was a relationship, but that wasn’t because I was
against them, or couldn’t have one. I just didn’t want to deal with anything
too intense at the time. That changed when I met you, but I couldn’t exactly
tell you that.”

“This is unbelievable. I ...
I don’t know what to say.” This is surreal.

Sitting up to face me, he
clasps my waist with one hand. “You said you love me, too. We both feel the
same and we’re both available.” He shrugs his shoulders like it makes absolute
sense. And it does, of course it does. I can’t believe this is happening.

“I do love you, Joe. I just
wasn’t expecting any of this.” I was praying he’d
like
me as more than a
friend. I’d have been satisfied with that, for now.

He skims his lips across my
cheek to my ear. “You want me, right?”

“Yes,” I whisper, with a
shiver running through me in response to the caress of his tongue down my neck.
“Damn it, yes. Yes, Joe.” Goose bumps attack my skin and I’m certain my nipples
are about to rip through my shirt. I take a deep breath, inhaling only him.
Joe. My exhale becomes a moan before I can suppress it.

As he starts to lay me down,
I place a hand on the ground to keep myself up. “We can’t have sex.” I said
that pointing at him, probably to try and make up for the pathetic tone that
even I didn’t find convincing. All I can think of is the open silence that
surrounds us and I want to embrace every second of my first time with him. I
can’t do that out here. “I’m not saying you’re lying or anything. I just need
to not go there with you yet, even if I do
really
want to.”

He presses his lips to mine.
“This is okay?” he asks. My kiss back is the “Yes” to his question. I hope to
heaven and back that I am awake.

The zipper to my sleeping
bag is lowered and the top peeled away. Joe lays me down on it, positioning
himself at my side. He kisses me deeply, but remains slow, patient. I thread my
fingers through his silky-soft hair and anchor him to me. Time and anything
that isn’t us fades away.

His touch slips under the
hem of my undershirt, working up the center of my body, pushing the cotton
layer up over my breasts. I release my hands and place them on the ground,
above my head, in invitation. I gasp when he frees my lips. “I never forgot
what you looked like,” he says, against my mouth, his voice low with the
undertone of yearning. His intense-admiring gaze lowers to my mounds. With his
forefinger, he circles my left nipple, and it achingly hardens in response.
“I’ve always wanted to kiss them. Suck them.” His stare is unwavering, his
voice unchanging. I can’t speak, I can just about draw air, or I’d beg him to
do it. My need for him is agonizing.