If Only (16 page)

Gerard, unintentionally,
upset me because commitment is exactly what I want. The problem isn’t
what
I want it’s
who
I want, and it only became an issue when Nick asked for
a more permanent step with me. I just couldn’t do it.

“Hey,” Saffron says, taking
my hand in hers. “Let’s have a girlie night. No man talk, no commitment talk,
just us three.”

I smile at my sweet friend.
My sweet friend who is sister-in-law to the man I love.
A man
who doesn’t even know it.
A man who is one of my
closest friends.
How messed up is that?

I’m in a local bar with Dane and Adam, seated in the
corner around a table. The place is filled with people, many who intend on
hitting the clubs soon and others like us, who just want to hang out and suck
down some beers. Gerard is off, no doubt, causing trouble somewhere else. Dane
arrives with our drinks.

“Spill, dude,” Adam says to
him, over the beats sounding from the live DJ on the other side of the bar. My
brother is crazy about his wife and he’s never once been tempted by another,
but he damn well enjoys hearing about his buddies’ activities, activities that are
rarely innocent or straightforward.

Dane chuckles as though the
simple recollection of the dirt is funny. He leans in closer, the gold stud in
his nose reflecting the light. We all end up sort of huddled, our closeness
around the small surface area providing the suggestion of privacy.

“So we’re at her place, and
she’s all deep-throatin’ me and shit – her head game was off-the-fucking-chain.
Out of nowhere, she’s like, “Fuck me in the ass, Dane.” Usually you have to
work up to that stuff, right, but no, not with her. So we’re on her bed, I’m
fuckin’ her ass, and the next thing I know her shits all over me.”

“Oh, shit!” Adam roars with
amusement, leaning back in his chair. “Pardon-the-motherfuckin’-pun.” I can’t
help but join his guffaw, and who wouldn’t? Fortunately, that
shi
– that has never happened to me before, thank God.

“Who the hell asks for that
if they haven’t taken a shit that day?” Dane says with a genuine quizzical
expression about his face. “I’ve seen that stuff on the net. I did not see it
happening to me. There’s a hella things I don’t mind doing, but
that
...” he shakes his head. “Fuck me, man.”

“What happened then?” Adam
asks, holding in another fit of laughter.

“Took a shower and stuck to
convention.” He takes a large gulp of his Bud.

Bro starts chuckling again,
and so do I, until my mind begins to wonder. The rest of their conversation
fades out.

I’m still trying to figure
out Callie’s retort toward me today, but I don’t think it’s the time to
question her. Now, thanks to Saffron texting me, I know she and Nick have
split. That, at least, explains her being so emotional, but it gives me no
indication as to why she reacted with me the way she did. I will call her when
I leave, as I would have anyway, but I can’t expect an explanation when she’s
upset about her breakup. Her opinion of me bothers me, so I have to talk to her
about it at some point.

“Where’s your head at, man?”
Dane asks, breaking into my thoughts.

“What?” I ask, looking over
at him.

“What’s up?”

I shrug, casually. “I’m cool.”

“Yeah, right, tell that shit
to Gerard and he’d buy it. Not me.”

“I’m just ... thinking.”

A brow arches. “That’s
obvious.”

I shake my head, still
attempting to throw off an air of indifference. “It’s nothing major.”

“If it’s nothing major then tell
us.”

“Callie and Nick broke up.
It’s for good this time.”

“She
okay?”

“I don’t know for sure.”
Lifting my bottle, I take a swig of my beer.

“Why exactly is it such a
big deal to you? It was always gonna come to this with them two, right?” I hold
his gaze, saying nothing. Several seconds pass. He nods in recognition,
chuckling. “I see,” he says, leaning back in his chair.

“No, you don’t,” Adam pipes
up. “He’s wanted her the entire time he’s known her.”

I glare at him. “
Thanks.
”
It sounds ridiculous. If I heard that said about someone else, I’d think the
dude was crazy.

Dane frowns at me. I nod,
waiting for him to conclude that I’m crazy. “Man, that’s ... shit, that’s, um
... maybe a little crazy. How do you wait for one chick for seven years? You
see her all the time. We go camping every year.
How?”

I laugh myself at this point
and rub my face with my hands. “I wanted her from the first day,” I sit back,
folding my arms across my chest, “but she was already with Nick. I wasn’t about
to chase some other man’s girl, so figured I’d wait. I was arrogant enough to
think they’d finish
a lot
sooner than they have; I didn’t expect it to
be years. When they started all that on-off bullshit, I started thinking she
wasn’t ready for the type of relationship I wanted with her. I wasn’t gonna get
caught up in anything messed up like that with her. I thought she just needed
time to grow and figure out what she wants. She made it easy for me to keep my
distance, especially after that stupid-ass rebound thing with that Jackson
dude. That was when I tried to give things a chance with Paige. Now
that
was a stupid-ass thing to do. I don’t just
like
Callie.”

“And for the record,” Adam
adds, “I thought his idea was shit. It wasn’t so bad to start with, but after
the first year I started to think it was stupid. I told him to tell her, then
Callie would be aware of her choices, and he’d know for sure where he stood. He
doesn’t even know how she feels about him. And, um ... Saff thought your idea
was crap, too.”

“You told her? You were
sworn to secrecy, brother!
Thanks
.”

“C’mon, you know I don’t
hide anything from her. She didn’t tell anyone; what’s said between us stays
between us.”

I shake my head in
disapproval, even though I’m not surprised he told her. Maybe that’s why Saffron
made a point of texting me when she found out about Callie and Nick.

Dane laughs again. “One
thing the two of you have in common is fucked up approaches to relationships.
It is insane, Joe, waiting for someone when you don’t know how she feels. So
what’s the plan?” He takes a gulp of his beer.

“I’ll call her when I get
home, see how she is. If she’s upset over Nick then it’s not exactly a good
time to say anything about us. I get that this all sounds crazy, I don’t know
what she feels for me, or if she’s ready for the type of relationship I want
with her. If she’d moved in with Nick, or if I’d met someone else I felt
strongly for, it would’ve changed everything. We wouldn’t even be having this
conversation.” I hate to admit it, but I would’ve said something if Callie had
agreed to move in with Nick – I wouldn’t have let her go without letting her
know her options. Instead, with her actions, all she’s done is make it clear
that she isn’t ready for me as an option.  

“I think it’s time you found
out, you might be surprised. You two are
tight, and I know for sure she
liked you when she first came on the scene.”

I freeze with my bottle
millimeters from my lips. “What are you talking about?”

“When I first met her at
your party, and a few times after that, I could see it. The way she looked at
you when you spoke to her. Even the way she listened to you. Putting the pieces
together, the way you both are with each other, it wouldn’t surprise me if she
felt something for you, also. Even after all this time. I can’t believe you
didn’t notice.” He sighs. “If I knew how you felt back then, I’d have told you.
You hid it well, I had no clue you were interested in her like that.”

I can’t even speak as I
lower my drink to the table. How did I miss it? Over the years, she’s given me
no indication of an interest, none whatsoever. Yes, we are close – we connected
from the start, and I still believe that things would’ve been different between
us if she hadn’t been with Nick when we first met, but the group as a whole is
close, too. She and Su fell into place with us quickly, and better than I
expected they would. Callie and I may be tight, but she has a brother-sister
type relationship with Dane, she and Gerard are competitive, always challenging
each other, but you can see the fondness between them. She has a special
connection with Adam. And Saffron goes without saying.

Even if she was into me at
the start, that was a long time ago and it doesn’t necessarily bare any
association with now. Did I miss my chance? My frown is making my forehead
ache. I can’t believe what I just heard. After today, I was beginning to have
second thoughts; she doesn’t exactly hold the best opinion of me. Maybe she was
interested before, but I don’t see how she would be now if she believes the things
she said.

I lock gazes with Adam. “I
need you to hold off on running to Saff with this, while I figure things out.
Don’t say anything.”

He holds his hands up in
defense. “Okay, I won’t. It’s probably better that she doesn’t get caught up in
any of it, anyway, especially with next weekend’s plans.”

Fuck, I forgot about that. We’re all going to
Hillsborough for my birthday on Friday. This isn’t the best time for tension,
so Callie and I need to be our usual selves with each other, or the weekend
will go to shit.

By the time I get home it’s later than I intended, so
I text Callie to see if she’s still up. I’m not pushing anything between us
tonight, but I will talk to her after my birthday weekend. For now, I’ll just
make sure she’s okay.

She’s in bed, but awake.

“You okay?” I ask, lying
back, resting my head on my pillow.

“I am now … I’m sorry about
today, Joe. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“When did you start taking
Gerard so seriously?” I’m not ignoring her apology, but I am avoiding talking
about our words.
For now.

“Because he was wrong and he
knows me. I didn’t realize he thought of me in that way.”

“He doesn’t actually think
that, no one does.”

She sighs lightly. “I’m
sorry about the things I said to you, you didn’t deserve that.”

I feel like I want to
explain myself, tell her that I’ve avoided relationships because I want
her
.
If she’s still hurting over Nick then this is not the right time.

“If you say you didn’t mean
it, then you didn’t mean it. Put it out of your head.”

“You don’t believe me.”
Shit, now she’s disappointed.
Wrong response.

“Look, you’ve got stuff
going on, today doesn’t matter.”

“It matters if you’re upset
with me, Joe.”

“I’m not. I was surprised,
yes, but nothing more.”

“I didn’t mean to freak out
on you … it’s just that you were there. That doesn’t make it right. And it
wasn’t personal.”    

“It’s over with, okay, stop
worrying.”

“You’re absolutely not upset
with me?” she says, with more certainty in her tone. This is a step in the
right direction.

“Never
was,
Baby cake. End of discussion. What did you do with the rest of your day?” 

“I had a girlie afternoon
and evening with Su and Saffron. We watched the first two
Saw
movies.”
I’m glad to hear the smile in her voice, this is more like her.

“The three of you watching
horror together is one of the funniest things. You scare each other more than
the damn movie does.”

She giggles. “I know, right?
We were going to watch
Hostel
after, but switched to
Porky’s
instead, so we could clear our heads. Then we finished with
Dude, Where’s My
Car?
I forgot we even had that DVD here. It was fun. What did you do?”

Now we’re having our typical
kind of chat, which will go on for hours. We get to talking about the plans for
the weekend. We’re camping for one night on Thursday and then driving to
Hillsborough the next day. My parents are on a trip, so we’ll stay at the
house. An old high school friend of mine recently opened a nightclub in
Burlingame, so we’re partying there on Friday.

We don’t have calls like
this – late at night, when she’s in bed – all the time, but we’ve achieved
quite a few over the years. Every single time I’ve wanted to ask Callie what
she’s wearing. There’s never a natural route to that type of question, it’s not
the kind of thing a “friend” asks. I’ve always kept within the boundaries, even
if I have sailed close to them a number of times. On all the camping trips
we’ve been on she slept in panties or shorts with an undershirt. Maybe that’s
what she has on when we speak, but I prefer the idea of her being naked; both
of us, naked and close, skin to skin.

We’re back on track now,
even though one or two questions loom. We have reached a point where
something’s got to give, it’s getting old now. I do need to know if she still
feels something for me, and it’s time for her to be aware of how I feel. I’ll
let the weekend happen, and then it’s time to sort this thing out.