If Only (30 page)

“Most days, yeah, I’m vegan
every day and I don’t smoke, but I do like a beer or two. Gotta have some
vices, right?” I giggle at him and myself. My judgment of him as a modern day
hippy had him smoking dope every night. “And you?” he asks.

“Well, not really. I’m
vegetarian every day and I don’t smoke, but I like a coffee or five a day and a
cocktail or two some nights. I’m just normal, I guess.”

His lips curve with a mix of
friendliness and humor. “What’s your name, sugar?”

“Callie. And yours?”

“Roman.” He reaches across
the table to shake my hand.

I return the gesture. “I’m
picking up a very slight southern accent there, Roman.”

“Yeah, I was born in
Kentucky, but I left at the age of twenty to travel through Europe. I met my
wife in Italy, she’s from Arizona – we moved back here five years ago. I
haven’t lived in Kentucky since I left, but I visit the folks every now and
then. The ‘slight’ to the accent is because of all those travels and trying to
be better understood; I had to go easy on the southern drawl, and now I’m left
talking like this. I picked up on the “dude” word several times outside, and
other such vocab, being “totally” stereotypical, I’m thinking you’re from
California.”

“Yes, San Francisco.”

Roman’s response is to break
into the opening verse of
The Mama’s and the Papa’s San Francisco (Be Sure
to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)
. I guffaw so loud the other customers turn
and look at me. He even put actions to the words. “Well, don’t you have a
pretty smile?” he says, grinning wide.

“Thanks.” I’m still trying
to compose myself. He doesn’t know it, but he’s made my day, and not because of
the compliment. Laughter is such a good thing.

“So what exactly brings you
here?” He takes a sip of his sweet smelling fruity tea.

I don’t have a problem
composing myself now that he’s asked me the one question I don’t want to be
asked. I clear my throat. “I just needed to get away for a while. I’m staying
with my aunt and uncle.” I offer a small smile and take a taste of my café
mocha, my gaze dropping to the table top.

“Oh, I get it. Don’t worry,
sugar, there are lots of other things we can talk about. Not many people in
this part of the world refer to Roberta as a Kombi. You know a thing or two
about that type of vehicle?”

“God, I love them. And the
old style bugs – I had my own a few years back. After I finished college I took
a trip to Australia with my best friend and our boyfriends. We came across a
Kombi parade,
the
most amazing thing ever. That name is way cooler than
bus
and technically it’s more accurate, if you think about its origins.”

He grins. “I couldn’t agree
more. What happened to your poor little bug?”

We hit it off instantly. Our
conversation is fun, as I expected, and everything about Roman is relaxed, easy
going. I’ve met eccentric characters before, but Roman is in a league of his
own. I can only think of him as random, with his hippyisms and worldly
influences. His name doesn’t even sound southern to me, and then he tops it off
with his veganism, but I guess that could be categorized under hippy. He’s
totally random and actually pretty awesome.

Roman’s open during our
conversation, telling me so much more about himself than I need to know, but I like
his honesty. He’s a little suggestive at times, but not pushy or sleazy. I do
wonder if he practices free love, though. We talk about my career and interests
and after a while I give him a condensed, vague version of my reason for being
here; a difficult breakup. He seems understanding and tells me about
meditation, which he says is good for ‘quieting the mind.’ He’s been teaching
that and Yoga for almost sixteen years and says it was the only thing that kept
him sane during his divorce, two years ago. I figure if it can help get someone
through a separation like that then it should be helpful with my problems.

“Well, I must say, sugar,
your company this afternoon has been exceptional,” Roman says, smiling with
sincerity in his eyes. It’s dark outside now - we’ve spent hours talking about
everything and nothing. “Make sure you keep that pretty smile on your face.”

“I’ve loved your company,
Roman. You are without a doubt King of Awesome. Thank you.”

He places his open hand over
his heart. “That has got to be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to
me. I’m touched.” He’s still grinning, but I actually think he means that. I
meant it - he’s the coolest freaking dude, and in his company, smiling is
effortless.

I pick up the leaflet for Roman’s classes and slip it
into my purse. This is perfect timing for me, because I’m overly aware that
Joe’s baby is due in a month. I’ve been fighting questions like, will it be
early? Will it be late? Will it be a boy or girl? Is it already here? I
desperately need a distraction, now more than ever.

****

I’ve been doing either Yoga or meditation every night,
for the past two months. Well, sort of. I achieved the headstand and a bunch of
other poses, and the King of Awesome said I was a natural and perfect for that
type of class, but after one month I dropped Yoga.

I like to be active and keep
busy, but anything gym based is not my thing. I’ve never been one for any kind
of exercise that goes beyond walking from one place to another or a night of
dancing. Although, I did hike my ass-off when I first arrived in Arizona, but I
had the motivation of wanting to capture beautiful sunrises and sunsets from
the tops of various mountains. Yoga asked more of me than I wanted to give,
although I did like the idea of being more flexible.

That benefit only had me
wondering if Joe would’ve liked me suppler.

I’ve continued with the
meditation, because it relaxes me and only requires me to lay or sit and be
still. I can also do it on my own when I need to switch off my thoughts. It’s
not easy at all, it’s mentally challenging. I’m not perfect at it, but even
just trying to achieve a quiet mind distracts me. I’m happy I found this method
and it fills in the time of day that needed something, when I’m lying in bed
and can’t sleep.

I haven’t escaped those
questions about the baby being due, I didn’t expect that I would, but I’m
getting through it. I’m certain the child has arrived by now and that makes it
harder to call. I don’t feel ready to hear the details and until I do, I won’t be
calling. I miss Joe every day and love him no less than when I left, but I try
not to focus on those things as best as I can, because it only makes my stay
harder. The meditation is a godsend.

Things have become
unexpectedly interesting; I’ve started getting freelance photography work.
After I finished my aunt’s catalogue, Roman was so impressed he hired me to
design his new class leaflets. Then a woman who attends his Yoga liked them and
asked me to do photos for her granddaughters christening. Word of mouth has
gotten me more work, so I’ve started advertising myself. This, of course,
wasn’t part of the plan, but for the first time since coming to Scottsdale I
feel good, and it’s been a great way to busy myself.

I’ve been living in Scottsdale for over thirteen
months, which is so much longer than I intended. The demand for my photography
has been unexpectedly high, and it’s been the most successful and the happiest
point in my career.

All this enjoyment and
success has made it easier to stay. Problem is, the longer I’ve been here the
harder it’s felt to go back. That was especially the case around the
significant dates that related to Joe and me; his birthday – the day we got
together, the day I saw him for the last time and the day we were to marry. I
don’t miss or love Joe any less than when I first arrived, but I don’t hurt as
much, although, I don’t allow myself to think about it in detail. I block the
thoughts out as soon as they present themselves. I’m even doing wedding jobs,
which I avoided to start with, but I was missing out on a lot of work. Taking
them on is largely why I’ve been so busy. I’ve made an unexpected switch from
fashion magazines and nightclubs to wedding photography, but I’m actually
enjoying it.

To date, I still don’t know
anything about Joe or his baby. I’ve chosen not to, I wanted to learn those
things from him directly. I should’ve made contact by now and I have tried.
Countless times.

Like right now.

I’m sitting here on the bed,
phone in hand, and I can’t make myself call him. This is Déjà vu. I pick up my
cell, sometimes I select his name, I think about what I’ll say – I don’t press
the ‘call’ button.

Déjà-fucking-vu!

I don’t know what to say to
Joe, or how talking to him will make me feel. I don’t know where we fit in with
each other’s lives anymore. All these unknowns, among others, stop me calling.

One person who I might be
able to speak to is Dane; I’ve always found him easy to talk to. He’s also a
step closer to Joe without it actually being Joe.

Okay, here goes …

I select Dane in my cell and
… press ‘call.’ The dial tone sounds. My stomach flutters and my heart races.
No, I’m losing my nerve. I want to press the ‘end’ button, but he’ll know I’ve called.
Dammit, I have to see this through. Shit!
Why isn’t he answering? Answer
already–

 “Damn, girl, I began
to think I’d never hear from you again.”

“Hi,
Dane.”
I start to fiddle nervously with the hem of my denim
skirt. “I’m sorry it’s taken so long. I hope you don’t hate me.”

“
No,
I don’t, silly.
But, madam, you are lucky Su was willing to keep me updated. I was serious when
I said I’d come after your ass.”

“Su kept you updated? She
didn’t say.” I realize that would be my fault, because of my ban on talking
about Joe or anything to do with him.

“Yes, she did. Sounds like
you’re all right, with your business and stuff. I didn’t expect you to settle.
I thought we’d have heard from you a while back. I thought you’d be back by
now.” He sounds disappointed. I feel bad.

“I didn’t plan on staying so
long. The business just like ... kind of came out of nowhere and took off, a
weird sequence of events that led from one job to another and another. It was
more about having a distraction, so I went along with it. I really needed to
keep my mind busy. I’ve been meditating most days, too. I think you’d like it,
it’s pretty awesome.”

He laughs lightly.
“Probably.”

“I am sorry, Dane. You
deserved a call way before now, but it turns out I’m totally lame, I didn’t have
the guts. I wanted to, I honestly did.”

“It’s okay. You’re good,
right?”

“I guess. Even though it’s
been over a year and a lot’s happened, it doesn’t feel so long ago. It’s gone
by quick. I kinda like blocked everything out. That’s why I went along with the
work that came my way. Tell me what
you’ve
been up to. Has anyone tamed
the wild beast yet?”

He chuckles and starts
filling me in. We chat about him,
which
has me smiling
the whole time, Gerard, which has me laughing hard in places – I miss that cheeky
bastard, and Saffron and Adam.

“They have a kid?” I ask,
astounded and wondering if I’m hearing things.

“Yeah, they found out Saff
was pregnant a couple weeks after you left? Su didn’t tell you? I know you two
don’t discuss Joe, but you didn’t even know that?”

I shake my head, to clear
it, still unable to believe what I heard. “No. Wow! I guess it shouldn’t be a
surprise, I knew they were trying, but wow.” Now I know why Su was so eager to
talk about Saffron soon after I got here. She tried to push a few times, but I
wouldn’t allow it.

“He was born four months
after Joe’s boy.” I
suck
in a deep breath, feeling
like I just took a sucker punch to the gut. I was so not ready to hear that.

Joe has a son.

“Callie?”

“Um, yeah ... shit, this is
all a bit of a shock. Su and I don’t talk about this stuff at all. It’s nice
that they were born close. They’ll probably grow up more like brothers than
cousins. ”
Stop the babbling already.
I silence myself. 

A little Joe exists.

I recall how much I wanted
that to be me someday; to have a son that looked like Joe, and his father, and
his father’s father.

This call’s made me feel
worse. I’m insanely jealous.

“So what’s the plan?” he
asks.

“I don’t know. I think ... I
think a lot has changed.” Solid details make things too real.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”
This is a surprise.

“You agree with me?”

“After you left, Joe was
hoping it would help and that at some point you’d at least speak to him. He
concentrated on the baby coming, and supported Emily, but he was waiting for
you.”

“What are you trying to
say?”

He sighs. “He waited, then
you started your business and you hadn’t made contact. He even knew from Su
that you didn’t really like to talk about him. So he gave you time. When it got
to a year he felt he had to let you go.” This still isn’t making sense.