If Only (27 page)

Slowly, with legs that feel like
they’re made of stone, heavy and rigid, I walk over to the door and stand
facing it. I can ‘feel’ Joe on the other side. He’s silent, but I know he’s
there. I picture him leaning forward, his forehead against the door and his
hands braced either side, on the wall. Sighing, I put my forehead and my hands
forward, mirroring the image I have of him. I’m trying to convince myself to
release the lock.

“Please, come out, I need to
see your face,” he says, in a low voice.

Just like before, in a split
second, I go from not wanting to see Joe to needing to see him.

I open the door, keeping my
gaze level with his chest. As I step forward, he cups my face between his
palms. He’s so desperate his grip almost hurts. Now, I meet his worried,
questioning eyes and it’s as though he’s seeking answers from mine. As bad as I
felt from the moment I realized the other woman’s body, it’s right now that I
want to cry – staring into the dark, coffee colored depths that have held me
for years.

But I don’t.

“I don’t like the look I can
see in your eyes,” he says, his tone strained. “I feel like I’m losing you. I
won’t let you go.”

I take a deep breath. “Joe,
you can’t make me stay,” I whisper.

He draws my nose to his. “I
won’t let you go.”

Suddenly, I’m hit with an
overwhelming surge of something. Clutching Joe’s shoulder blades firmly, I
press my body against his and breathe in his scent. Not his soap, or his
cologne, just him. Joe.

Desperation and fear are
coursing through me, and other things I can’t identify, but needing him is the
biggest emotion. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I start lifting his
sweatshirt up, to take it off. I need to feel as close to him as I can and I
want to take away his fears as well as my own. His torso now bare, we start
kissing in a clumsy, urgent way. I reach back to untie my halter top and pull
it down, before unbuckling his belt. By the time we make it to the bed, we’re
naked, and a trail of clothing is left in our wake.

This is what I need; to be
naked, close,
together
.

When he thrusts into me, I
gasp at the sudden, rock-solid fullness. Joe moves powerfully, I grip his
shoulders harder, digging my nails in. His hold gets even tighter and for the
first time he isn’t being careful with me, it’s demanding and it hurts, but I
welcome it – I want to think of nothing other than us in this moment. I grasp
his hair and lock my legs around his waist.

This is nothing other than a desperate, needy fuck,
and I’m not the only one who’s desperate or needy.

My climax quickly builds. “Come
with me,” I beg against his lips.

As we release together, I
cry out into his mouth and I swallow his groan.

He stills, our lips easing
apart. A warm tear rolls from the side of my eye, down and over my ear ... and
another... and another. Maintaining my clasp on him, with my body and my limbs,
I give into the tears. Joe wipes and kisses them away, the whole time telling
me, “I won’t let you go.”

 I don’t know how long
I’ve cried for, but I feel intensely tired and my throat and eyes hurt. Joe
moves me under the comforter and wraps me in his embrace.

Sleep starts to claim me and
I’m vaguely aware that this is the first time I’ve been in Joe’s bed.

When I woke, I’d have panicked if I hadn’t noticed
Callie’s shoes still there by the bedroom door. I wanted to wake up and find
that yesterday was nothing more than a bad dream; a baby with a woman I feel
nothing for, the hurt and disappointment in Callie’s eyes, the taste of her
tears. But it’s real.

The sun has already risen,
and I know where Callie will be. I pull on my sweatshirt and jeans.

As I step out on to the
balcony, Callie doesn’t look my way. “I don’t know why, but this is my favorite
part of your home.” I probably knew that before she did. I also know that I’m
closer to losing her than I am to keeping her.

She’s on the love seat,
wrapped in a blanket, her feet up and knees hugged to her chest. I sit down,
put my arm around Callie, and draw her to me. She lets me hold her, and for a
little while we say nothing.

“Do you think maybe it’s
time to talk about things?” I ask, keeping my tone light, giving her a clear
choice whether we speak about it or not.

“I don’t think we need to. I
know you, Joe, so I know what you’ll do. You’ll do the right thing and you
should. I’m just not sure if I can.” With those words, I’m even further away
from keeping her. I can’t even disagree; I have to face up to the consequences
of my actions.

I let my head fall back
against the window behind me, closing my eyes. Nestling her nose into the side
of my neck, Callie curls her arm around my waist. I hold her tighter. She was
right, I can’t make her stay. I wouldn’t try to force her, either, no matter
how much I want her. “I do think we should talk about it.” I lift my head to
see her face.

She looks at me and then
lowers her gaze, avoiding mine. “Maybe you’re right, we probably should.”

“Do you want to ask me
anything?”

She sighs. “I don’t know.” I
stay silent and wait. She makes eye contact with me, her pain clearly spoken. I
hate myself for doing this to her. I hate myself for doing this to me, too.
“How do you know her?” That isn’t a question I wanted her to ask. It’s logical,
but I know she won’t like the answer.

“Emily was the interior
designer I got in for my parents’ house.” Even I don’t like the way that comes
across. It was a fucking gift from Adam and me for their thirty-fifth wedding
anniversary.

She laughs. I know it isn’t
because she finds it funny. “That’s nice.” Her tone wasn’t totally sarcastic.
Frowning, she takes her focus away from me. “Better than a one night stand, I
guess. At least, I’m assuming it wasn’t?” There’s a hard edge to her voice this
time. She has every right to be pissed at me, but I don’t think anyone can
possibly be as angry with me as I am right now. 

“No, it wasn’t.” I wouldn’t
be in this position if it had been.

“It’s so strange that
hearing her name makes it all the more real. How far along is she?”

“Five months.”

“Wow!” Her gaze clashes with
mine, her brows pulled tight. “You’ve got just
four months
to prepare
for fatherhood. Why did she only tell you now?” Now it seems her worry is about
me.

“She was scared. She wasn’t
going to keep it at first, but then decided to. She said she wasn’t going to
tell me, but felt I had the right to know.”

“Why did you take such a
stupid risk?” she snaps.

“I didn’t. I wish I had. At
least then I could be pissed at myself for being a total fucking dumbass. The
condom split.”

“Shit, that’s unlucky.” For
a brief moment her lips fight a smile.
A very brief moment.
“I’m sorry for accusing you like that.”

“Why? It was an obvious
thing to assume.”

“How do you feel about it?”
I can’t understand why she seems so concerned about me. I want to know how
she
feels, but if I ask her we’ll probably conclude our conversation too soon. And
not with the outcome I desire.

“Obviously I wouldn’t have
chosen for things to be like this, it’s not what I want. It’s the last thing I
want. But I can’t just tell her to fuck off and act like nothing’s happening, I
have no choice but to go with it. I don’t want to lose you over it.”

She moves, with the blanket
still wrapped around her, and sits on my lap, resting her cheek against my
forehead. “I just don’t know if I can do it, Joe. I’ve loved you for so long,
the whole time feeling that I couldn’t have you. And now when I get you there’s
someone else, another woman. Even worse than that, she’s having your baby. I
know you’re not
with
her, but she’s still going to be there. You’re
having a child with someone else. It should be me.” She barely whispered the
last part, and that felt like a knife through my heart.

“I need time to think, Joe,
I can’t tell you want you want to hear right now.” She presses her lips to my
forehead and sighs, I close my eyes.

We stay here like this for a
long time.

All the way home I asked myself whether I’m
overreacting, being stupid, being selfish. I felt so at times, but nothing
could or can override the horrible emotions that hit me when I think about
someone else having Joe’s child. Nothing can stop me from feeling like I don’t
want to share him. Not with another woman and not with a baby, a baby that will
depend on him in some way for the rest of his life. Being with Joe, as his
girlfriend or as his wife, means my commitment has to stretch to that kid. I
don’t know if I’m capable of that. I want to be okay with it, but all I feel is
angry, nauseous, jealous, disappointed and scared.

On the eve of what was going
to be my wedding day, I’ve spent hours going over the situation with Su, my parents
and my sister. Saffron called and we spoke, but I could hear how difficult it
was for her. I didn’t find it easy, either. It’s all pretty pointless anyway –
I can’t be given the answers, it has to be my decision.

One thing I’m certain of is
that I won’t be marrying Joe tomorrow.

Su said I should see how I
feel over the coming weeks, when things aren’t so raw. My parents and my sister
think it’s too much responsibility, but if I want to be with Joe then I should
be, but not get married, so I won’t be tied to him if I decide I want out. They
all make sense, and it’s what I would advise if it was somebody else, but it’s
not somebody else, it’s me. I felt like a selfish little brat the number of
times I asked, “Why should I share?” “Why should I watch some other woman have
his baby?”

I can’t bear the thought of
another woman having his child, and having to stand back and watch it all.
Joe’s features and characteristics mixed with those of someone he didn’t and
doesn’t love. How can I do that? It’s impossible for me to get past that
barrier.

We only just got together
and I want to enjoy it being the two of us, I wouldn’t have even wanted my own
kid with him yet. This should be our moment. Instead, he’ll be preparing for
fatherhood and he’ll share a special bond with someone else and it’ll surpass
the connection I’d have with him. I know he loves me, but it’s different. I
wish I didn’t feel like this, we’d get over things more easily.

I can’t accept this other
woman, or the baby they’re having.

Rejecting that child is a
rejection of Joe. How do I move forward with him under these circumstances? How
do I move forward without him? I’m stuck.

I have a shower and change
into an old, oversized T-shirt. Sitting in my wicker chair, I comb through my
wet hair. 

A light rap sounds at my
closed bedroom door. “Come in.” I rise from my seat.

Dane walks in. “Hey, you,”
he says, pulling me into a hug. I’ve had cuddles all day, but I love Danes.’
He’s like the older brother I never had and he’s so big and comforting.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I
say, against his chest.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d
wanna see me, but I had to check on you.” He kisses the top of my head. There’s
something about being comforted by someone; it either makes you smile or it
makes you cry. Dane’s caring embrace causes the latter and the flood gates
open. We spend quite some time hugging, with me weeping into his shirt, but he
doesn’t seem to mind.

Once I pull myself together,
I sit on my bed with my legs crossed, and Dane sits beside me. “Talk to me,” he
says, wiping away a tear on my cheek with his thumb. His warm, hazel eyes are
full of understanding and concern.

“I don’t know what to do. I
don’t know how to be with Joe when someone else is having his baby. I’m sick
just thinking about it.”

“I know it’s a messy
situation and it seems impossible right now, but I think you’re underestimating
yourself.”

“You do?” I sniff.

“Yes. It’s
a lot
to
take in, and on top of all that’s happened with the two of you over a matter of
days. You guys have moved so fast, but it’s been the most natural thing, right?
There’s a reason for that. You can deal better than you think, but don’t expect
to be okay with it just yet. It’s too soon, and you’re too emotional and scared
to make sense of it. Give it time to sink in. You can’t know how you’ll feel
when the kid arrives. You can’t even know how you’ll feel this time next week.”

“I can’t imagine having to
sit back and watch it all unfold.”

“That’s understandable; this
is huge and so out of the blue. This baby wasn’t part of the plan, but it
doesn’t change the fact that you and Joe are right together – try not to lose
sight of that. I can’t imagine you’ll find another man who loves you the way he
does, and I’m certain you won’t love anyone the way you do him. You tried it, remember?
It wasn’t exactly successful, was it?”

“No.” He’s right, I’ve
thought those same things myself today. I’ll never love anyone like I love Joe.
“Dane, did he send you here?”