If Only (37 page)

I’ve spent so long going
through these things and then getting lost in thought, Su is outside. I place
the ring back in its box and go to the intercom and let her in. By the time she
comes up to my apartment, I’m back on the bed. On entering my room, she halts
at the doorway, staring at the stuff laid out. “Wow. You kept it all.”

“Yeah, it was at mom and
dads
.’”

Su walks over and sits down
beside me. She doesn’t know what to say. Neither do
I
.

“I love your hair.” She
starts to run her fingers through it. Her actions and tone are comforting. “I’m
glad you didn’t cut it, I like it long.”

“Yeah, I like it, too. They
did
good
, huh? I might actually keep this for a
while.” We fall silent again, the slow finger combing continues. 

“What are you going to do
about Joe? You haven’t mentioned him once since you first got back and now you
have all these things out. You obviously want to do something, what are you
waiting for?”

“Well, there isn’t exactly a
plan. I decided I’d call once I was fully settled and that’s like sort of now.
I thought it would be easier than it is. I’ve avoided BlackArt and his street,
so I don’t bump into him unprepared, but I kinda wish I had. That would’ve been
easier.”

She stops her hand movement.
“Callie, Joe moved. He and Adam bought a house in Sea cliff. It’s right up on
the cliffs, at the end of Baker Beach. Wait till you see the place.”

I lean back against the
headboard. “They all live together?”

“Yeah, they’ve been there
over a year now. It works well, and Jack spends a lot of time there.”

“I can so easily imagine
them all in a beautiful house by the beach.
A perfect
family.”
Would I fit in? I sigh. “I know I need to tell him I’m here, I
just ... it’s just that it’s so unpredictable. What he’ll say, and how I’ll
feel. That’s why all this stuff is out. I needed to face it at some point and I
figured now a good time. It was easier and nicer than I thought it would be,
but it hardly compares to actually speaking to Joe. Obviously I have to, that’s
why I’m here, but …” I shrug.

“I can’t say I blame you for
having concerns, it’s been over three years since you last spoke or saw each
other, but it will be fine. You could always call Dane first. You found it
easier to speak to him before.”

“I’ve thought about that,
but I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position, he’s Joe’s friend ahead of
mine. And he’s constantly been the bearer of bad news between us.”

“There won’t be any bad news
this time. Call him. He’d welcome it, you know he would. Think of it as easing
your way in. And there’s no time like the present. I’ll even leave the room if
you want, I can hang out in the bathroom.”

I chuckle. “Okay, I’ll do
it. You stay put, though.”

I pack everything away and
put the box back in my closet. Back on the bed, I grab my cell from my
nightstand and search for Dane in my phonebook. I consider passing all the D’s
and going to the J’s, but the chicken shit in me stops at Dane and presses
‘call.’

The phone to my ear, I’m
nervous, but a little excited, too.

“Ms. Scottsdale marathon
runner,” Dane answers. Instantly, I feel as though I spoke to him only
yesterday.

“Hello, handsome.” I grin,
so pleased to hear his voice.

“What’s up?”

“Lots, actually, guess where
I am?”

“If it’s not Scottsdale then
you’ve got me already. Where are you?”

“I’ve come home.”

“
What?
”

“Yeah, it’s been two weeks,
got my own apartment and everything.” 

“No shit! Damn, girl.”

“I know, right? Sorry I
haven’t called, I’ve been getting settled and I wanted to have everything ready
before I started contacting people. You have to come for dinner. Su tells me
you’ve got a smokin’ hot girl now. I want you to bring her.”

He laughs, sounding
surprised.
“That I would like very much.
So what
brought you back?”

“I wanted to be home. I
missed everyone, including you, dude. You know that, right?”

“I’ve never taken anything
personal, but I’m glad you’re where you belong. What about that guy?”

“I wanted to be here, and he
was supportive of that. We’re still friends, he’s in Thailand now. Wait till
you see my ride, he left his Kombi with me until he returns. It won’t be
anytime soon, so she’s all mine for a good while.”

“This is some development.
It’s good to have you back, I thought you were going away for a few months and
it ended up being years.”

“I know, it’s crazy, it’s
been a long time, but now I’m here it feels like I never left. I totally can’t
wait to see you, are you still hot?”

He laughs hard. “Shit, it’s
a nice surprise this call is,” he pauses a moment, “have you called Joe yet?”

“No. I wanted to get settled
before anything else.” I sigh, bracing myself for my next question. “Do you
think he’d want me to?”

“
Shit yeah
. In fact,
you really should call. He always wanted to know that you were okay. Su kept
him nicely informed, but you should get in touch.”

“Okay, listen, I wanna see
you, so I’ll talk to you about it real soon.”

“You do that, but contact
Joe
a lot
sooner and let him know you’re back. If you don’t, I will.
Don’t think I can’t pick up on your reluctance.”

“I will, I promise.” I hang
up and turn to Su. “I’m going to do it, I really am. But not tonight, Elena will
be here soon.
Definitely tomorrow.”

“Fine, but if you don’t call
him by this time tomorrow, I’ll do it myself. You’ve had things your way for
long enough, and you’re worrying when you don’t need to.”

I say nothing in response,
because I know she means it. Dane did, too.

My family would have brought
me back eventually, but Joe’s the reason I’m sitting here on this bed right
now.

I’ll plan overnight what I’m
going to say to him.

The next morning, I run over my words in the shower.
It’s ridiculous, really, because all it consists of is, “Hi, Joe.” Obviously
he’ll say something like ... I have no idea. So all night and that’s what I’ve
come up with. Genius! I’m hoping his response will be as enthusiastic as Dane’s
was. I’m also hoping that we can at least have some level of friendship
restored, I missed it and I had that for longer than I had him as mine. I feel
strong enough to accept that, if I can’t have more. I’d give it my best shot,
anyway.

I’m moving forward with my
life, I’ve got freelance photography work at the magazine Su works for and I’m
going to rent a studio for my sculpture work and photography. I feel good about
everything else, so speaking to Joe is the final piece to my puzzle.

I come out of the bathroom,
wrapped in my towel, and grab my cell from the breakfast bar. Sitting on the
couch, I take a nervous moment. I select Joe’s number. Okay, I’ve done this
part many times before. It’s pressing ‘call’ that’s the challenge. My heart
kicks up, I remind myself to breathe, and ... the buzzer to my intercom sounds,
making me jump out of my skin. Fuck! Now my heart’s thudding hard for an
entirely different reason.

“What are you doing here?
You may as well have stayed the night,” I say to Su, as she struts in, dressed
in dark skinny jeans and a sexy yellow spaghetti shirt, her black and blonde
hair pulled up into a ponytail.

She heads straight for the
couch and slumps down on it. “Dempsey’s Carnival is in town for the weekend. I
wanna go, but Zack’s not keen, and I’m totally not going by myself. They have
all
the best rides. Will you come?”

“Yeah, just let me get
ready. I’ll call Elena and see if she and the kiddos wanna come.”

“Already did, and they have
plans today. It’s just us, dude.”

It’s a lovely mid-October
Saturday, and I’m glad for the option. I will call Joe when I get back – I’ve
never been more ready to make contact. I put on light blue flared jeans that
sit low on my hips and a white off-the-shoulder shirt. New hair down, purse and
jacket in hand, and we’re out the door.

The drive with Su is fun.
We’re in the Kombi, windows down, the pleasant breeze passing through, and
3OH
!3’s
My First Kiss
is on repeat with us singing along
and making out with the air. It’s just like old times.

We arrive at the park. It’s
early afternoon and pretty quiet, with mostly families making up the attendees.
First ride is the Ferris wheel, then a silly, not at all scary ghost train just
for the immature fun of it, and then I start losing money trying to win a large
crocodile for Caleb.

“I’m not appreciating being
defeated like this,” I grumble to Su.

She tugs on my elbow,
leading me to another of the concessions. “Let’s hammer for frogs instead.
Maybe we can get one of those for Caleb.”

“I damn well hope so, I’m tired
of losing.”

As we approach the frogs’
tent, I’m thinking maybe we should just get on with enjoying some of the real
rides. I can buy something for the kiddos, playing these stupid games is
unnecessary. I raise my frustrated gaze, ready to tell Su to forget this shit,
and astonishment pins my feet to the ground.

Stood right there, with his
back to me, is a tall man with skin the color of cocoa and dreadlocks down to
his sexy freaking butt.
“Dane!”
I scream.

He turns around to face me,
grinning from ear to ear. “There she is.” He opens his arms wide, and I throw
myself at him, holding him tight around his waist. He squeezes me, and I almost
can’t breathe, but I’m matching his hold with mine. He smells of freshness and
rich-spice, familiar.

“Omigod, I can’t believe
this,” I squeak.

Dane pulls away from me,
stretching my hands out to the sides, giving me the once-over. “Well, look at
you, gorgeous as ever. Nice hair.”

“And look at you, like fine
fuckin’ wine.” I jump around on the spot before wrapping my arms around him
again. “I’ve missed you, Dane.” I’m way over excited, I know I am, but I don’t
care.

“I’ve missed you, too,
beautiful.” He kisses the top of my head.

 “What are you doing
here?” I ask.

No answer.

I pull back slightly.
“Dane–” He presses his forefinger to my lips. Remaining silent, he places his
hands on my shoulders and turns me to face the opposite direction. He leans in
close behind me, crouching slightly to get closer to my height. My gaze follows
his slender forefinger as he points off in the distance, to where picnic tables
are scattered.
I gasp. My heart slams against my ribcage and my legs
start to shake.

Dane lowers his arm, kisses
me softly on the cheek, and whispers in my ear, “Go.” He nudges me lightly
against my lower back, and I step forward. The distance from me to him seems
like a million miles.

My heart wants to run, but
my legs can just about walk.

Somehow, I make the journey.
As I draw nearer, I start to take deep breaths to achieve calm. It’s so strange
seeing Joe, even from a distance, even from behind. He’s wearing a dark blue
T-shirt with white writing on the back and light jeans, no doubt loosely hung.
His style always seems to fit appropriately with the times, even without
changing much.

I’m getting closer. Is it
okay to approach them unannounced? Is it rude to intrude on their time
together? Does Joe know I’m home? I don’t know the answers, but I continue
their way. This is the most nervous I’ve been in my entire life. Will I be able
to speak? 

Father and son are sitting
across from each other. The boy is sucking a
popsicle
,
his lips smeared red from it. He looks content rolling his little yellow tank
across the surface. It’s the same content expression I’ve seen on his dad’s
face so many times before.

This is it, I’m about to
come face-to-face with Joe. Please, let this go well.

I slide in on the bench
beside Joe. I glance at him and then focus on Jack, who offers me the cutest
grin. Then he carries on munching his
popsicle
and
rolling his tank across the table.

One of my biggest fears
about Joe and someone else having a child was whether I could love that kid in
the way that I should. I needn’t have worried, I’ve already started to. He’s
Joe’s boy and that’s more important than anything else.

I always have and always
will love everything that is the man sitting beside me.

“He’s beautiful,” I say to
Joe, hearing the awe in my own voice, feeling the hard thumping in my chest.

Joe’s arms are folded, one
over the other atop the table, his posture relaxed. He says nothing, but the
soft curve to his lips is enough. I can see he’s surprised by this.

We hold each other’s gaze,
his eyes telling me the same story as always. Physically, he’s so much more
overwhelming than before, this guy just keeps getting better with age. He
doesn’t look older, but I can tell he is. I’m happy he still has the same
hairstyle, my favorite of all, only it’s slightly shorter at the front.