If Only (15 page)

His elbows are pointing
outwards, resting on the table, finger tips light against the espresso cup. My
admiration travels from his gorgeous, talented hands, up his strong, inked
arms, and rests on his biceps and shoulders, nice and snug under his white
T-shirt.

The man is fucking
delectable!

He finger combs back his
hair and it plays out in slow motion. At least, in my head it does, anyway.
Heat sizzles through me and I discretely smile to myself, loving the effect he
has on me. The only thing Joe could give me that would surpass that feeling is
an orgasm.

Ah, I wish.

I inhale his scent again and
watch as he presses his soft lips to the rim of his cup. My gaze clings to the
movement of his Adam’s apple as he swallows. Now his tongue peeps out and
slides between his lips. I want to taste his tongue. I want to suck it. With a
deep yearning, I sigh at the thought.  

 “Callie’s a
commitment-phobe,” Gerard states, breaking into my moment of lustful bliss.
“Nick’s asked her to live with him how many times? Over seven years with the
guy and she still won’t. If that’s not a phobia then I don’t know what is.”

“I’m not a
commitment-phobe,” I say, trying to figure out how this came to be about me,
and from Gerard of all people. 

“So why’d you end it with
him all those times when things started to get heavy? You’re supposed to love
him.”

What were they talking
about? “It’s not as simple as that.” Seriously, how did we end up here? Maybe I
should’ve read the entire quiz first.

He rolls his eyes, shaking
his head, dismissing my response. “The guy’s crazy about you, Callie. It seems
simple to me. You love each other, you’re together for years,
he
asks you to move in, you move in.” He shrugs his
shoulders, convinced of the simplicity of it all. In most cases he’d be right,
for most couples it is that straightforward. “Instead,” he continues, with his
sky-blue eyes piercing mine intently, “you get a place with your best friend
and her husband.” He goes silent. Nobody else is speaking either.

I wish I had some sunglasses
with me, at least then I’d feel protected from the three pairs of eyes burning
into me right now.

Gerard leans toward me,
frowning like a scientist trying to crack a complicated formula, or determine
the species of an unidentified living thing. “What about marriage then?”

“What about marriage?” I
don’t like where this is going.

He props his chin on his
fist, elbow on the table. “What will you do if he ever asks you? Is he showing
any signs of asking the big question yet?”

“Since when were you the
fucking expert on relationships, yours are non-existent? And why exactly are
you kicking my ass today?” I’m working to keep my tone level now.

“I’m not kicking your ass,
I’m just askin.’ It’s only because we’re on the topic and this question relates
to you.”

What question?
“Yeah,
well don’t. Relate it to someone else,” is the best I can come up with.

“Okay, I’ll drop it. Just
answer me one thing,” he says, holding up his forefinger.

I don’t say anything, I just
look at him. He doesn’t know it, but he’s really getting under my skin. That
isn’t usually an easy thing to do, but this couldn’t have come at a worse time
for me. I’ve never wanted to punch Gerard before, but I do now, right in the
freakin’ gut.

I sigh, defeated. “What?”

“Would you marry Nick if he
asked you?”

Whoa, of all the shitty
questions. 

“Well?” he pushes, both
brows rising in question.

Tell them or lie, tell them
or lie? Shit. “No.”

“So, you’d say no?” he asks,
as though he’s solved his formula, or determined whatever the fuck I am. I’d
love to slap that victorious grin off his face.

“Yes. You’re such a fuck,
you fucking fucktard.”

“
What?
” he asks, with
his arms stretched out to the sides.

I know he didn’t intend on
pissing me off, but he sure has. “I wouldn’t say yes. That’s none of your
business, and it doesn’t make me a commitment-phobe. I’m not.” I’m trying hard
not to boil over. Or cry. Or do both. I want to do both. No one is saying a
word and that’s making things worse. How did this all end up on me? I don’t
look at a single one of them. Instead, I reach for my iced tea and take a sip.

“Okay, I’ll drop it,
firecracker. But if you won’t live with him, or marry him, then what’s the
point? That does sound like a problem, if you ask me. You profess to love the
guy. Girl, you’ve got issues. I think we have a commitment-phobe here, people.”
He winks at me, his lips curving teasingly. 

“
Issues?
I’ve got fucking issues?” I slam my glass down on the
table and stand up.

“Callie, sit back down,
please,” Saffron says, reaching for my arm to halt me, “Gerard, shut up?”

I pull away. “No, I won’t.”
I unhook my purse from the arm of my chair and grab my cardigan. “I’ve got
other things to do.” I feel tense in my gut and the best thing I can do is
leave.

Without saying a word of
goodbye, to any of them, I walk away.

“Go after her, please, Joe. Gerard and I need to have
a word,” Saffron says, staring him in the eyes.

“When did she become so
oversensitive?” he asks, truly dumbfounded. I’d like to know that, too. 

I get up out of my seat and
head after Callie, who’s nearing the corner. There’s a whole lot of furious
going into that stomp of hers. Speeding up, I catch up to her as she turns onto
the next street. “Callie,
wait.”                                                                      

“I don’t want to talk, Joe,”
she says, through gritted teeth. So maybe Gerard was a bit of an asshole,
prying like that, but I don’t get why she’s this pissed. He’s said a lot worse
to her in the past, just as she has him. They fight, but they don’t fall out,
and she doesn’t get offended and walk away.

“
I
want to talk. Why
are you so upset?” I grasp her elbow.

“What’s the point?” she
shouts, yanking her arm out of my grip. She turns to face me. “He’s made up his
mind about me and no doubt you all have, too. Bit of a fucking double standard,
though, you asses
don’t
fucking do commitment. Why do
I have to be the commitment-phobe?” she asks, stabbing her forefinger at her
chest.

This is insane. “No one else
has said anything, no one else thinks that.
He
doesn’t even think that,
he was just teasing you. You’re overreacting.” 

She shakes her head firmly.
“He wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. When’s the last time any of you
had a real relationship? Why am I the bad person? You, Dane and Gerard, you’re
all full of shit.”

“Hey, I am not your enemy,
Baby cake.” I’m using that name in an attempt to add a soft edge to this conversation,
and calm her down, because she’s shouting, and now I’m working to keep my voice
even. We’ve never said a hard word to each other before, but she’s damn angry,
and I feel like I’m being pushed. At what point did
I
piss her off? “You
need to calm down.” I succeed at keeping my cool. 

Her eyes narrow. “Fuck you,
Joe. Fuck you all.”

Man, I just want to grab her
and shake her. I’d also like to kiss her, but she could do with a really good
shake and seeing some sense right about now. Of course, I wouldn’t handle her
like that, but fuck. I don’t know what her problem is and because of that, I
don’t know what to say. Maybe I’m being a dumbass here, but I don’t get it. Her
point about ‘double standards’ was justified, but not this reaction.

She turns and storms off,
heading for her car.

As she gets closer to the
door, I run in front of her, blocking her from opening it. “Callie, you’re way
more upset than you should be.” I want her to look at me, but she won’t. Her
gaze is level with my chest, refusing to meet mine. She’s never been evasive
with me before. “What’s going on with you, Baby cake?”

“Nothing,” she mutters, her
eyebrows pulling tight. Aw, shit, it’s getting awkward for me now. Tears are
pooling in her eyes, they haven’t fallen, but I can see she’s fighting it.

Over the years we’ve had a
lot of – non-sexual – physical contact. We hug all the time and we’re playful,
it’s just the way we are. I’ve seen her emotional twice; at Saffron and Adam’s
wedding, and at Su and Zack’s. I’ve never seen her cry because she’s hurt and
in situations like this a comforting hug and a shoulder are necessary. The
worst thing for me will be to hold her under these circumstances, because I
won’t let go. It’s also clear that that’s the last thing she’d want from
me
.
Her outburst just then made it clear how she views me.

She’s never made me aware of
that before today.

“I just,” she says, her
voice softening, “… I don’t see why I’m being judged when you all behave the
way you do. When’s the last time any of you had a real relationship? You
probably don’t even know how to. Look at you and Paige. She told you she loved
you and you ran a mile. That sounds more like a phobia to me.” How did she and
I end up here, from one comment Gerard made?

“You don’t know anything
about me and relationships,” I say, keeping my tone light. “I’m more than
capable of having them. Just because I don’t, it doesn’t mean I can’t.”

“But you avoid them. You
avoid them, Joe.”

I’m at a loss for words. I
don’t even think of her as a commitment-phobic, I know she’s with the wrong
guy. I can’t exactly tell her that, so it’s at this point I’m going to cut my
losses, because this conversation is taking a shape I don’t like and it could
go anywhere. “I’m gonna call you later, when you’re not so upset.” I step out
of her way.

She gets into her car, keys
the ignition, and glances at me before driving off.

I do not understand that
girl.

When I get home, Su is back from the hairdressers. We
sit at our dining table in the living room, and I relay everything.

“I think you need to tell
them about you and Nick. Gerard wouldn’t have said those things if he’d known
you guys split.”

“I know. I just needed time
to deal and after the other breakups I was worried they’d think it was the same
old crap with us.”

“They’re your friends, they
wouldn’t judge you.”

“God, I can’t believe I
reacted like that.” I cover my tear-soaked-face with my hands. Such an
over-emotional reaction to something I’d usually just battle with and laugh off.

“You’re still getting over
Nick. They’ll understand when they know about it.” She slides her arm around my
shoulders, hugging me from the side.

“I can’t face them. Damn it,
I can’t believe I freaked out on Joe like that. I was such a bitch to him.”

“We both know why he got the
worst of it.” The door bell sounds. “I’ll get it.” Su gets up from her chair,
and I reach for a tissue to wipe away my tears. No more crying, I’ve done way
too much of that over the past six weeks. I’m sick of it.

Saffron enters the living
room with Su. My red eyes must alert her and she rushes to me, hugging me.
“Callie, what’s going on with you? Gerard was teasing. I chewed him out,
anyway, but he was just playing. You know that, right?”

“I didn’t mean to react like
that.” She sits on the seat beside me, and Su sits back in her place on the
other side. “I know I overreacted. Nick and I split up six weeks ago.”

Her eyelids widen. “Why
didn’t you say?”

“It’s for good this time. I
just didn’t want to talk about it yet. It’s been hard.” She cuddles me again,
stroking my back.

To everyone else, my
relationship would’ve appeared complicated. It kind of was. We loved each
other, everyone knew that, but what they also saw was me being unable to commit
fully. Nick and I discussed living together, a number of times, but I couldn’t
do it. We spent many days and nights in each other’s company, took vacations
together and, in actual fact, had a fantastic relationship. Yet, I couldn’t do
anything that was permanent, and we broke up several times, during our seven
and a half years together, because of it. We always got back together, but this
time that’s not going to happen. He made that clear to me right before walking
out of my front door, and my life, for the last time.

And I let him go.
                                

What no one except Su and my
sister is aware of is why I found it so difficult. Saffron knows everything
there is to know about me except that I love Joe. She would be in on it if she
wasn’t married to his brother. I couldn’t guarantee that she wouldn’t share my
secret with Adam and I couldn’t risk it getting back to Joe.

Nick and I would definitely
have a place together by now, and maybe be married, if I didn’t have another
little problem making that hard. Even now, after all these weeks of being
apart, I’m still hurting and I’m angry at myself for letting him go. But I had
to, he deserved better.