If You're Gone (11 page)

“I waited for you after school,” she said once I approached.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I had to get out of there…”

“First, I waited by the car,” Anna continued. “Then I looked around inside the hallways and in the guidance office. I even checked the bathrooms to make sure you were okay.” She crossed her arms and shook her head as she talked.

“I guess I just wasn’t thinking…” I sat down on the brick step and she did the same.

“I skipped tennis practice so I could look for you. You couldn’t send me a message?”

“My phone died,” I told her. “I didn’t have any way to reach you.”

“Ever heard of the good old-fashioned way? You know, hand write a note and stick it in my locker?”

“I wasn’t thinking, okay? I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. Just tell me next time if you don’t need a ride.” She let out a sigh. “I was worried about you, I didn’t know what had happened.”

“I’m sorry, Anna, I should have told you I was leaving…” I wasn't sure how many times I’d have to apologize before she would believe me.

“Okay, well it doesn’t matter. The main reason I came over here, “ she said, suddenly changing her tone. “Is that me and Thomas were talking about the fall social today! And he told me that Caleb, you've met his friend Caleb Marino, wants to ask you.”

“Ask me what?” I said slowly.

“To the dance!”

My jaw dropped open. “What? What did you tell him?”

“Well, I said I thought that would be great! Caleb is such a fun guy...”

“Anna!” I exclaimed. “No... I can’t do that. I mean, I don’t want to. I can’t do that to Brad.”

Anna raised her eyebrows and shook her head as if in disbelief. “You can just go as friends, Lil. I didn’t mean it had to be like that.”

“No. No, I can’t, I’m sorry. Can’t you guys go with Mandy and Tess?”

“Well, yes, we could… but you know Mandy's dating Parker now, and him and Thomas don’t really get along ever since that riff they had last basketball season...” I turned away from her and stared off into the front yard as she continued, attempting to tune her out. “And anyway, I wanted
us
to go. You know, you and me. It’s our last fall social before we graduate!”

“I’m not going with Caleb,” I snapped. “There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind. I already have a boyfriend.”

She let out an exasperated sigh. “I know you have a boyfriend, Lil. Thomas knows. Caleb knows. Everyone knows!”

“And what’s your point?” I asked.

“My point is that no one, including you, knows where he is!” Her volume rose with every word.

“Anna, come on…”

“When are you going to move on?” she continued. “What if six months from now there is still no sign of him? What about two years? Brad's missing, and it’s a terrible feeling not knowing what happened to someone you love. But you could ruin your life waiting on him. If he were here he would tell you to move on...”

“That’s not what Brad would tell me. How can you even think that that’s what he would tell me? What, have you been rehearsing this?” I asked her, my eyes wide. “In all the time you could have been helping me
find him
you were figuring ways to tell me to
move on
?”

“No! I spent half my summer searching for Brad and you know it! I have scars from the ten thousand mosquito bites I got traipsing through every field in town looking for him! And anyway… oh, forget it.” She snapped her head around and looked out across my yard.

“No, go on,” I said. “What?”

As she turned back to me I could see the look of anger boiling up in her eyes.

“How much longer do I have to take this!” she shouted.

“What?”

“This!
You
! Do you want to know what people ask me every day? They say, ‘how do you keep spending time with Lillian? It’s like she’s not even there. She’s consumed by her own misery’. And I keep defending you and telling people what a hard time you’re having... but it’s true!”

I opened my mouth to retort but nothing would come out.

“Brad is my friend, too,” she went on. “And Thomas’s friend. We want to find him just as much as you do, Lillian, whether you believe me or not. We miss him
so much
. But that doesn’t mean we are just going to stop
living…
”

“That’s not the same. You know it...”

“But it is the same, Lil. It’s enough to miss Brad every day but I’m also missing you,” she sighed. “You have become a shell of the Lillian that I know.”

I looked out across the yard and found myself wishing that Chris were with me.

“I understand that you are hurting. I really do.” Anna moved her face in front of mine and tried to catch my eyes. “But you seem to forget those of us who aren’t missing, Lil. I’m right here, and I need my best friend. You and Brad were together for six months, but you and me have been friends for over ten years.”

“Anna… I’m sorry.”

“I’m not asking you to be sorry.”

I sat there on the steps, watching her towering over me, numb to her outburst of emotions. She waited for me to say more but my lips remained pursed.

“Where did you go today, anyway?” she asked, changing the subject.

“I just walked into town and got something to eat… I was having a rough morning and then I ran into Chris…” As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted saying it.

“Chris?” she grunted. “Chris who?”

“Chris…” I realized he hadn't told me his last name. “He’s just a… friend of mine. I met him at Mandy's Fourth of July party. You don’t know him…”

She had stopped listening. “So you’re going to sit here and throw a fit when I talk to you about going with our group of friends to the dance, but you’re
skipping school
to hang out with some guy you met at a party? Are you listening to yourself?” Anna threw her hands into the air as tears glazed over her eyes.

She’s right, what am I saying?

“I don’t have anything left to say to you,” she snapped as she tore off towards her car. “Except, find another ride to school,” she yelled without turning around.

I sat there, locked into the brick steps, and didn’t try to stop her. There were a million things I wanted to say, a million excuses I wanted to make, but it wouldn’t matter. She sped off down the driveway and onto the road, gravel spitting from under her tires as she turned the corner.

I pulled my knees in towards my chest and sat huddled there on the front steps, tugging on the ring around my neck. My friends, my classmates, and even my family were turning against me. Brad’s disappearance continued to cut deeper and deeper as I attempted to muddle through my day-to-day life.
If Brad were sitting next to me right now, what would he say to make me feel better? That’s a dumb question. If Brad were sitting next to me I wouldn’t feel this way.
I put my hands over my face and begged for my prayer to be answered.
Please, Lord. Please help me. Show me what to do.

My breathing grew heavy and I looked up towards the darkening sky. A cool drop of rain hit my skin and stung like a brisk astringent. It was time to prepare for a storm.
Please bring him home. I can't go on like this much longer.
I heard a distant roar of thunder and suddenly knew what I had to do.

I lay awake most of the night, listening to the sounds of the storm that had stationed itself above my bedroom. Strong gusts of wind made our old house creek and purr like a kitten. When I closed my eyes I could almost feel the walls around me swaying side to side. I would just get used to the dark when another bolt of lightning lit up the sky, illuminating my room and electrifying Brad’s blue eyes on the stack of missing posters that lived on top of my dresser. I was finally drifting off to sleep as the thunder moved into the distance, but it felt like only moments later that the sun began to peek through the clouds and my alarm clock chirped from the nightstand.

I dressed quickly and quietly at 5:45 am, skipping the shower and pulling my dirty hair into a low ponytail. The house was silent, and it needed to stay that way if I was going to get out undetected. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and tiptoed down the hall. My parents had begun stirring behind their closed door so I knew I had to hurry. I scribbled a note to my Mom and set it in front of the coffee pot where she was sure to discover it as soon as she entered the kitchen.

Walking to school, left early. Be home later. –Lil

It was a lie, pure and simple, but if I had actually planned to go to school that morning it would have been true, since Anna certainly wouldn’t be picking me up. I had been attempting to put off thinking about our conversation and how much my actions seemed to be hurting her. I didn’t want to dwell on it.
You’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Anna.
I might have hurt her, but I refused to let her hurt me. I had to be stronger than that.

I slipped out the side door and started down the driveway. The puddles on the concrete from the overnight downpour were already evaporating in the hot morning sun. There wasn’t a car in sight on our narrow road but that would soon change as the morning commute began. I figured as long as I walked in the direction of school no one would suspect anything. I could take the detour from there.
Here goes nothing.

****

Six and a half miles and two hours later, I rushed along the gravel road, cursing my parents for never buying me a car and wishing I had at least opted for a bike. Sweat dripped down my forehead and into my eyes but I continued on, dirty and drenched. I heard a sputtering car engine ahead; it grew louder and louder before it died with a loud cough. As I glanced around the open field on either side of me, a brisk chill ran up my spine seeing the gutted skeletons of automobiles scattered across the plain. The freestanding metal structure at the end of the road was becoming closer than I had ever hoped it would be.

This was my last chance to turn back.
Turning back now would mean admitting defeat before I’ve even tried. He doesn’t scare me.
I had obeyed the detective for over three months, and that was more than enough. I slowed my pace as I entered the large doorway of the metal barn and cleared my throat.

“Hello?” I called out. My voice echoed in the vast space.

In front of me, in the center of the building, sat an old hatchback with dust from the dirt floor circling around it. The barn was lit only by the beams of light that jutted through thin slats in the wall, illuminating the particles that danced around me. A thick, musty odor hung in the air.

“Hello!” I cried again.

The engine of the hatchback suddenly revved, and the headlights cut through the darkness in the room. I held my breath and wanted to back away but my feet felt planted in the earthy floor. I continued to stare at the car as the driver's side door opened. I closed my eyes for a split second and hoped it was Brad.

“Hey,” a loud voice interrupted my thoughts. “What are you doin’ here? Didn't that fat cop tell you to leave me alone?”

He crept towards me, wiping his stained hands on a torn handkerchief. He rubbed the side of his face on his shoulder and I heard the bones in his neck crack. I hoped coming here had not been a mistake.

“Hi, Lizard.”

“Answer the question. I said, what the hell are you doin’ here?”

“You know exactly what I’m doing here,” I told him. “I’m looking for Brad.”

“Well, I don’t see him. Do you?”

“Cut it out, Lizard. I need to talk to you and it’s important.”

He bit his dirty thumbnail as he stared at me with the same devilish look he had given me that night at graduation.

“Well then step into my office.” He took steps toward the door and I followed him cautiously. Once outside the barn he sat down on an old, cloth covered bench that appeared to have come from the inside of a van. Dust rose from the cushion as he settled in. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his shirt pocket and held it towards me. I shook my head.

“Just tryin’ to be polite,” he said with a grimacing smile.

“Mm-hmm,” I muttered as I sat beside him.

I watched as he slipped a cigarette from the carton and placed it between his lips. He pulled a lighter from inside the pack and inhaled as the flame caught the end of the cigarette. Dozens of butts were scattered on the ground around the bench seat. I truly was in enemy territory.

“Havin’ car troubles?” he asked, streams of smoke pouring from his nostrils.

“No.”

“Then what brings you all the way out here? You sure as hell never made the trek before.” Lizard looked me up and down, sucking the life out of his glowing stick.

“It’s about Brad.” I turned away and peered out into the field. The rusty frame of what had once been a school bus stared back at me.

“What about him?” Lizard tossed the cigarette to the ground and stomped with his large black boot. He gave me his usual cold stare, but I thought I could see a sadness in his eyes.

“I just need to know… do you have any information that might help me find him?
Anything at all
? You’re his best friend.” My voice sounded weak and broken.
I remember how strong I used to be.

It was Lizard’s turn to turn away. He leaned forward, digging his elbows into his knees. “That punk is no friend of mine,” he said coldly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, you should know better than anybody, shouldn’t ya? You stuck your meat hooks in him and got him thinkin’ he was better than everybody else since he was bangin’ a church girl.”

“That's not true! How can you even say that.” I bit down on the skin on the sides of my mouth.
You need him on your side. Don’t say anything stupid.
“Look, Lizard, whatever kind of resentment you’re harboring towards Brad and I, it has to stop. Okay?
Our
best friend is missing and we may be the only ones who can find him.”

“If you’re so smart why haven’t you found him already, huh? What, you couldn’t
pray
him back?” He cleared his throat and hawked a glob of spit onto the ground a few feet in front of me.

“Trust me, you’re the last person in the world I wanted to ask for help,” I told him. “Why do you think I waited all this time? Look, I wouldn’t be here if I had any other options. You can hang up on me, threaten me, report me, change your number, whatever. But I can’t take this anymore. I have to find him.” Anyone with half a soul could have recognized the heartbreak in my eyes. “So, please… is there
anything
you haven’t told me?”

I ran my fingers through my ponytail as I thought of Brad and Lizard sitting on this same bench.
Maybe they sat here and smoked cigarettes together, discussing life.
Or maybe this is where they planned their crimes, drawing a getaway map in the dirt.

“A man came lookin’ for Brad,” Lizard finally said.

“What do you mean? When?” I sputtered. “Recently?”

“The day before he… the day before graduation.”

“What?” I cried. “Who was it?”

“Look, I didn’t recognize the guy. He said he needed to talk to Brad, and I told him he wasn’t here.” Lizard shrugged his shoulders and pulled another cigarette from the carton.

“Did he say anything else?”

“Nope.”

“Did
you
say anything else?”

“I just told him where he might find him.” He exhaled and a cloud of smoke drifted towards my face.

“As in… where?” I asked, afraid to hear his answer to my question. “Did you tell him where he lived?”

Lizard slowly inhaled on the cigarette again. “Yeah,” he coughed.

“Lizard, who was it?” I demanded.

“Some old guy. Never seen him before then and ain’t seen him since.”

“What did he look like?”

“He looked the way old guys look!” he raised his voice. “Grey hair, fat,
old
. I told you, I ain’t seen him since then.”

I threw my hands in the air. “So, some guy just randomly showed up here, and you told him where Brad lived?
The day before he went missing
? Please tell me you told the police.” I felt a rush of emotions coming over me, an overwhelming mix of excitement and anger. My fingers were trembling.
Did Lizard sell Brad up the river by giving this stranger his address? Or is this the clue we have been missing this whole time?

“I tried to tell Brad after graduation. You should remember it quite well…” he said with a grunt. “He brushed me off.
Because of you.”

“That’s not what I asked you. Did you tell the police?”

Lizard didn’t answer me. He stood up and finished his smoke as he walked into the grass.

“Lizard…” I continued, moving towards him. “
Did you tell the police
?” I already knew the answer.

“Look, Lillian. The business I run here ain’t exactly legit. I couldn’t have the cops crawlin’ over this place. If they had started askin’ questions about where I got some of my equipment they probably would’ve tried to shut me down…” The cold gaze returned to his eyes and the sympathy for his friend disappeared.

“You selfish pig.”

“Oh, gimme a break. You really do think you’re so much better than me. Like you wouldn’t have done the same.” He raised his voice and I walked towards him. I brought my face close to his and held back the urge to slap him.

“See, that’s where I
am
better than you. I would give everything I have if it meant finding Brad. If something has happened to him because you lied to the police to protect yourself…” I started to back away when he grabbed my forearm and yanked my body towards his.

“I jus’ told you, I didn’t tell the police for a reason. So you best keep your mouth shut.” He peered down his nose at me and I could feel his breath on my face.

“I’m not afraid of you,” I said as I jerked my arm away from his grasp. “And Brad wasn’t either. That’s why you’re so pissed off. He was tired of playing your stupid head games and doing your dirty work.” I knew I should stop, but I felt words growing in my mouth, ready to jump off of my tongue. “And if you ever needed any further affirmation of why Brad chose me over you, I think you just got your answer.”

I turned and started off down the road. Lizard didn’t follow or call out to me, but I hadn’t expected him to. I glanced behind me to see him walking back into the garage without another word. As I picked up my pace and began running I heard the sputtering car engine behind me.
If someone came looking for Brad, a man Lizard had never seen, what does it mean? What will happen when I tell the police? Will this change the whole course of the investigation?

Once I was far enough away, I slowed my steps to even my breathing. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and held it above my head in search of a signal. Nothing. I knew I could head farther into town and try the call again… or I could go directly to the police station with the information. It was a little after eleven o’clock in the morning and I knew if I got there close enough to lunchtime there would be much less suspicion about my arrival during the middle of a school day.

I wanted to see the expression on Detective Padron’s face when I told him.
I want to look him in the eye and remind him why he needs to be looking for Brad. I want to remind him that Brad didn’t run away… and this tip proves it. Or at least suggests it… Or it’s a mere coincidence…
I shook away the doubt. The news from Lizard was all I had left at this point. I had a new spring in my step-like I had been given a tiny sliver of hope.
Please Lord, let this be it.

****

I had only visited the police station twice in my life and only once during the investigation. When I was thirteen I went to the precinct to report my cat Gracie missing. The woman at the desk had smiled and handed me an old Lost Dog flyer to use as an example so I could create some of my own. Two days later Gracie showed up on our back porch, fat, happy, and pregnant. I had turned my neighborhood upside down over the course of those forty-eight hours looking for her. I never imagined that four years later I would be searching for the boy who had teased me when I knocked on his door and asked if he had seen her.

The next time I climbed the stone steps to the station was exactly two weeks to the day after Brad had vanished. I was frantic and desperate and had made a scene in the lobby, crying and demanding that I speak with Detective Padron. He had called my parents and recommended I seek psychiatric help during this ‘transitional time’ but Mom chalked it up to PMS and told me to pull it together. I had been too embarrassed and ashamed to return since then, but I had to put my pride aside. Anyway, I was done caring what everyone thought, and it was written all over my makeup-less face.