If You're Gone (14 page)

“Anna, what are you saying?” I asked. “Are you telling me the truth? I swear, if you’re making this up…”
Please be making this up. Please be making this up.

“Lil! No, of course not.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry… it’s true.”

I could tell she wanted to reach out to me but was reminded that we hadn’t been on the best of terms. In fact, it was the first time in the decade we had been friends that we hadn't spoken for more than a few days.

“Where did you hear this?” The halls were still quiet. This was information that obviously hadn’t gotten around school yet.

“Mrs. Lee was having lunch with my mom when she got a phone call. Mom said Mrs. Lee was going down to the police station to talk with the detective…”

It was becoming real. I felt sick to my stomach, the chicken sandwich I had eaten for lunch suddenly seemed to be caught my throat.

“I have to get out of here.” I looked to Anna, my face was desperate. She nodded.

“I’ll talk to Mrs. Cranson.” She fished around in her purse and pulled out her bedazzled key ring. “Go get in my car, I’ll meet you there.”

I couldn’t speak; I just tore off down the hallway, shuffling my feet under me as I walked because I didn’t have the energy to run. Brad’s ring around my neck bounced sharply against my check as I moved. My mind raced. There were so many things I didn’t know.
Where was he found? Is the body recognizable? Do they think it’s Brad or is this just a formality?
And if this is Brad and he has been found, does it mean this is finally over?
I hated myself for thinking it but the thought kept echoing.
Am I so desperate for a resolution that I will accept this fate for Brad so easily?

I found Anna’s car in its usual spot in the parking lot and fumbled with her keys as I unlocked the passenger side door. I plopped into the familiar seat and noticed a printed photo next to the speedometer that hadn’t been there before. The picture of Anna, Thomas, Brad and I had been taken before one of the school soccer games in the spring. We were huddled together, smiling and making various hand gestures towards the camera.

As hard as I tried, I couldn’t remember who had taken the photo. I just remembered how great that night, and all the others we spent together, had been and how much I had taken them for granted. The sudden appearance of this photo on the dash made me wonder if Anna was hurting more than I had given her credit for.
What are those words from Chris’ book? We all show pain in different ways.

I jumped as Anna jerked open the driver’s side door, slamming it behind her as she sat.

“Okay, I think I got all of your stuff.”

I traded for her keys as she handed me my textbook and a handful of pencils and highlighters.

“Where can we go?” I asked as she started the engine.

“Your house?”

I grimaced thinking back to my mother’s threats of lifelong grounding if I skipped anymore school.
Surely she will make an exception for this situation.

“Okay.”

Anna pulled out of the parking lot and stepped on the gas as soon as she was out of sight of school grounds. It had only been a few weeks since we had spent time together, but the awkward silence in the car made it seem like much longer. I looked back to the photo of all of us together. We looked younger. We looked happier. I decided I was done taking the time I had with the ones I loved for granted. I was anxious to ask more about what information she had gotten from her mom, but something else had to happen first.

“Anna,” I said. “Listen, I’m really sorry about everything before.”

“Don’t even worry about it, Lil. It’s not important.”

“I’m having a really hard time with all of this.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. She was nodding.

“Yeah, I know. I am too. I was just… trying to hide it.” Her voice broke. “I guess I thought if I ignored it, it wouldn’t seem real.”

Ignoring it had never been an option for me. The part of me Brad took with him when he disappeared was much too big.

“But this,” Anna continued. “This is
so
real. I’m so scared.”

“What did your mom tell you?” I asked. “I mean, do they really think the person they found is Brad?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t seem to have much information and I don’t think the police have said much to Mrs. Lee yet, either. She just said she wanted us to know before we found out from the afternoon news.”

Anna turned onto our street as she spoke. We weren’t halfway down the driveway before my mom came running out of the house. The gruesome discovery of the body of an adult male wouldn’t be waiting until the five o' clock broadcast. Brad’s story was breaking news.

Brad’s case had only gotten one mention on our local news station at the time of his disappearance, yet suddenly with the discovery of a body just a few miles outside of Lions Port, every station in the state was hot on the story.

Human remains found by hunters in Morris County may be those of missing high school graduate Bradley Lee, who vanished the night of his graduation ceremony on May sixteenth. The remains were discovered in an advanced state of decomposition but they have been determined to be that of an adult male, between five foot ten and six feet. The cause of death is being investigated and the Morris County coroner will determine if these remains are, in fact, those of the missing teen.

Every station showed the cropped photo of us at prom from his Have You Seen This Man poster, and occasionally they used the full picture with my face blurred out. Seeing the pixilation over my head was hard, but hearing the commentary provided by the newscasters was much worse.

“I’m learning that the missing teen, Brad Lee, has an extensive juvenile record and law enforcement suspect he may have been involved with drug related trade at the time of his disappearance.”

“The body was found in an isolated wooded area, over one and a half miles from any main roads. There is speculation as to whether the deceased was transported to that location.”

“Investigators are saying they cannot confirm or deny, based on evidence at the scene, if foul play is involved.”

“The question on everyone’s mind tonight-how does a teenager’s body end up decomposed in a lean-to tent in the middle of the woods?”

The facts were presented to us through the media almost as frequently as through Detective Padron, and we would often hear mixed messages and look to law enforcement to confirm the actual details.
Was the body found under a tarp, or wrapped in a tarp? Was there evidence the body had been there for some time or is it a presumed body dump?
We were asking questions I had never imagined asking in my wildest dreams. It was funny that once a person’s remains were referred to as ‘a body’ they didn’t seem like an actual human being who was once living and breathing. ‘A body’ didn’t leave behind loved ones desperate for answers and confirmation of identity. But a person did. Brad did.

After two days of being planted in front of the television with my laptop by my side and phone in hand, they still had not confirmed if the remains that had been found were those of Brad. I hadn’t cried. I remained in a constant state of feeling like I was holding my breath under water. No one was saying it, but I felt certain that everyone was having the same guilty thoughts that I had the first moment I heard about the discovery. No one wanted this to be him, but everyone wanted answers.

What we knew was that a body, determined to be that of a male between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five, was found in the woods underneath a tarp that had been strung between a cluster of trees to create a shelter. Around the shelter and the campsite were various items that were considered evidence and being fingerprinted, and a small fire pit full of ashes indicating that the person had been staying there for some time.

The deceased had been dead for a minimum of a few weeks, but the state of decomposition was hard to determine because of the extreme summer heat that had been magnified by the plastic tarp. Based on the condition of the body, there were no fingerprints to be collected, no birthmarks to be found, and no eye color to match. The facial structure was beyond recognition and the Lees had not been asked to identify the body. Instead, what they were asked for was a copy of Brad’s dental records and a sample of his DNA, which came in the form of his toothbrush that had spent the last four months lying next to the sink in the Lees second-floor bathroom.

“It will take time,” Detective Padron told us.

What they weren’t saying on the news was that the body had been found less than a mile from Lizard’s shop. The day I went to Lizard’s I had walked right past the path that led the hunters to the campsite. Detective Padron had questioned him, but other than the proximity of the location there was nothing found that tied him to the body or the tent.
Lizard may have failed out of high school, but he isn’t dumb enough to leave behind evidence that might link him to a possible crime. But then he also isn’t dumb enough to dump a body right up the road from where he works. But maybe he is that arrogant?

I couldn’t decide if I thought Lizard was a killer.
And if Lizard
is
bitter enough to kill anyone… why wouldn’t it have been me?
The police released him but told him not to leave town. It was a formality, but I found it laughable.
Lizard has never left this town and never will.

****

Pastor Allen planned a vigil at church on Friday night so people could come to light candles and pray. Hundreds of people from around town attended and stood in the church lawn holding glowing white candles inside of tiny plastic cups to catch the dripping wax. The moon was only a sliver that night and the flickering flames lit up the sky. It was truly beautiful, like something out of a movie, in a heartbreaking kind of way.

I positioned myself behind everyone else, separated from my family and friends, wanting to be able to see everything and everyone. I was on the look out for Lizard, although I wasn’t surprised when I couldn’t find him in the crowd. I figured he could just as easily be lurking in the shadows of the trees surrounding the churchyard if he wanted to take a peek at the action. I also kept my eyes peeled for Chris. I knew it was a long shot, but I desperately wanted to find his smiling face in the sea of people. He would know just the right thing to say.

“We thank all of you for continuing to support us and pray for Brad’s safe return.” Mr. Lee addressed everyone with Janice and Montana by his side. “While we pray that this young man that has been discovered is not our son, he is
someone’s
son. We have to trust God’s plan and trust that the truth will be revealed to us in His time. Although Brad had some stumbles along his path, God does not love him any less.”

He opened up the microphone to Janice and she continued to thank everyone for their support and attendance. I hung on the words ‘some stumbles along his path’
. Everyone stumbles. Why does he have to have excuses made for him?
News crews were set up around the perimeter of the church, filming the Lees as they delivered their speeches. Big haired reporters primped and rehearsed their leadins, preparing for live feed and undoubtedly hoping for a chance to interview the family. It made me angry that the discovery of the body had suddenly made this a newsworthy story when the initial disappearance of a young man that was loved by his friends and family hadn’t drawn any interest.
Reporters are attracted to death just like flies.

Anna found me in the crowd and wrapped her arms around me.

“I wish you would have agreed to sing,” she said.

“No,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I couldn't.”

“I get it. How are you doing?”

I shrugged. “They never want to interview me,” I told her as I motioned towards the string of reporters.

“I’m sure they would if you asked. Do you want them to interview you?”

I shrugged again.
What could I say that would matter?
“I don’t know,” I said softly, reaching for Brad’s ring. “I guess I just expected they would ask.”

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

I grimaced. Anna didn’t know any better, but I had been swearing to myself that would scream if one more person told me they were sorry.
What is everyone so sorry for?
Sorry for not taking this case more seriously before it became the lead-in on every newscast? Or are they truly sorry because they realize this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through? Are they sorry because they can’t possibly understand the pain of living in constant limbo and those two little words are the only thing they can come up with to say to me?

“It looks like they are just finishing up.” Anna broke my train of thought. “I’m going to go say hi to Mr. and Mrs. Lee.”

“Okay.”

I followed behind her as she made her way through the dispersing crowd still holding their glowing candles. The Lees had decided not to release balloons or butterflies or have people leave flowers and teddy bears around a framed photo of Brad. Instead, everyone was asked to use their candle to light another in their own home and keep the flame burning for Brad. It was a romantic idea, and would be a beautiful gesture in many homes around town, but also sounded like a fire hazard.

Reporters flocked toward the Lees as Anna and I approached them. I waved to Montana once I caught her eye; her face lit up when she saw me. She tugged on her dad’s sleeve as she pointed at me.

“Okay, you can go talk to Lillian. Just stay close,” he said, kissing her on the forehead.

As I watched her walk towards me, I thought of how terrifying it must be for her family to let her out of their sight. If all six feet, one hundred ninety pounds of their son could vanish into thin air, anything could happen to their petite, naïve daughter.

“Hi, Lillian.” Montana threw her arms around my waist and pressed her face into my gut. I squeezed her tiny frame as I ran my hand over her strawberry blonde curls.

“Hi, sweetie. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay.” She pulled away from our hug and gave me a half smile, turning up the corner of one side of her mouth.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’m okay too.”

“The candles are pretty.” She looked out across the lawn where some of my classmates and acquaintances still remained. Mandy, along with Tess and Thomas, stood several yards away in a semi-circle, holding what remained of their candles. Mandy appeared to be crying as her boyfriend, Parker, rubbed her shoulders.

“They are very pretty.” I looked back to Montana. “Brad would probably say they are a little too girly, though, huh?”

A large, toothless grin grew on her face for a moment before her eyes welled up with tears. “I really miss him,” she said, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand.

I pulled her in close to me again. “I really miss him too.”

“He still feels like a real brother to me,” she mumbled.

My ears perked up. “Montana, what did you say?” I wasn’t sure if I had heard her correctly. I held her shoulders; the light of the candles around us flickered in her innocent eyes.

“What do you mean, real brother?” I asked, searching her face. The words were no louder than a whisper as they left my lips.

“What?” she asked, dumbfounded.
Did I imagine it?

“I thought you said…”

“Montana!” I was interrupted by Janice’s call. “Come say goodbye to Pastor Allen.”

“Gotta go,” she said. “Bye, Lillian.”

Before I had a chance to stop her she slipped into the crowd and was out of reach.

“I need to be getting home, too. Do you want a ride?” Anna asked as she approached.

“Um…” I watched as Mrs. Lee was summoned by a red-headed reporter who was waving a block-shaped microphone in her direction. “Yeah. Let me just tell my parents.”

I knew it wasn’t the right time to be asking questions. After we found my dad in the crowd, Anna and I walked slowly to her car, carrying our candles and attempting to protect the flames from the cool night breeze by sheltering them with our hands. I stared into the glowing light and my mind drifted away.
Just how many secrets
was
Brad keeping from me?

“Lillian?”

I jerked my head up to look at Anna. Her eyes were moist.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think it’s him?”

We hadn’t asked each other this daunting question before.
Do I think it could be him? Maybe. Do I want it to be him? I don’t think so. Do I hope it isn’t him? Of course. If this isn’t him, how much longer do I think I can go on not knowing? I have no idea.

I sighed. “I don’t know, Anna. None of this makes any sense.”

She nodded and wiped a small droplet from her eye. “Thomas thinks that it is. I mean, he hasn’t said it but I know that’s what he is thinking. That’s why he didn’t want to come with me tonight. I had to beg him to even show up.”

We reached the car and I pulled the unlocked passenger door open.

“What do you think?” I asked.
Why don’t they prepare us for situations like this in school? Why do we have to learn about Aztecs and Mayans from centuries ago when we aren’t taught how to deal with real life?

“I think you’re right,” she said with a nod. “It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Brad have been living under a tarp in the woods by Lizard’s shop? What would he have possibly needed to escape from that would have made him do something like that?” She started the car and pulled onto the street in front of our church, handing me her glowing candle.

“Did you ever hear anything about Brad being adopted?” I asked her.

“Adopted?” Anna took her eyes off the road for a moment and looked at me with her eyebrows raised. “Brad? No. Why?”

“I don’t know…” I shook my head. “Just something Montana said tonight that sounded weird. It’s probably nothing.”

“If Brad were adopted wouldn’t he have told you that?”