If You're Gone (12 page)

“Hello,” I said to the receptionist as I heard the heavy door close behind me. “Can I please speak with Detective Padron?”

I could tell by the wide-eyed look on her face she recognized me from my outburst.

“Is there a problem or emergency?” she asked delicately, her hand reaching for the phone at her desk.

“No ma’am. But I have new information in the Brad Lee Missing Person’s Case. I’m Lillian White.”

“I see.” She nodded and mumbled something into the phone after dialing an extension. I hoped it was Detective Padron’s and not Security.

“Mm-hmm. Yes.” She looked up at me as she spoke. “He will see you in his office.” She extended her arm and motioned down a hallway made up of cubicle walls. “Last door on the left, his name is on the glass.”

I thanked her and made my way past cluttered desks and ringing telephones in a room that reeked of burnt coffee and cigarette smoke. A few police officers poured over stacks of paperwork, they each nodded to me as I walked by. There was no reason to be on high alert in a sleepy town like Lions Port.

I had barely tapped on the frosted glass door that lead to Detective Padron’s office when a deep voice called out, “Come in.”

I turned the brass knob and pushed open the door to see him seated behind an oversized wooden desk, sipping from a colorful coffee mug. A large family portrait hung on the wall behind the desk next to his diploma. In the photo, Detective Padron was smiling on the beach with his arms around his blonde wife and two young blonde daughters. I had never pictured him with a family, let alone a pretty trophy wife and kids cute enough to have been cut out of a magazine. I couldn’t decide if I should let down my guard or be even more intimidated than usual.

“Is this going to be a daily thing now, Lillian?” he asked with a closed-mouth smile as he motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

“I don’t know,” I said as I slid onto the sticky leather. “I mean, no. Or, well, I guess it just depends.”
Get it together. You’re rambling on like an idiot.

“So, what have you got for me?” he asked, leaning onto his elbows.

“I have information that an older man was asking around about where to find Brad on the day
before
he disappeared.”

“Okay.” He nodded. “Who’s your source?”

“Well, it’s…” There was no hiding that I had gone against the detective’s orders. I hoped he wouldn’t remember telling me not to contact him.
“It was Michael Lizardo. The man came by his shop on Thursday, May fifteenth and Lizard gave him Brad’s address. He told him where he lived!”

Detective Padron didn’t immediately jump out of his seat as I had expected him to; in fact, I wasn’t sure if I even saw him blink.

“You spoke to Mr. Lizardo?”

Busted
. “Well, yes. I sort of ran into him…” I lied.

“Did he describe the man?”

“Grey hair, overweight… Lizard said he was an older guy.”

“Well, you’ve just described half the officers in our precinct,” he replied with a grunt. “That’s not going to get us very far.”

“I tried to get a better one but…”

“Did he give you a description of the vehicle he was driving,” he interrupted. “Or a license plate number?”

“Um, no… I don’t know if he has that…”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t know… Lizard said he didn’t know who he was.”

“And you never actually saw this man with Brad? Can Mr. Lizardo place the man at the graduation ceremony?”

If I say
‘I don’t know’
one more time he is probably going to throw me out of this office. I could lie and say that he did see him at graduation and that he was watching Brad… but where would that get us?

“Lizard didn’t really want to talk to me,” I finally admitted. “And he doesn’t want to talk to the police either, that’s why he didn’t tell you about this man when you initially questioned him. But that just means he’s hiding something! I think if you go to him…”

“I’ll give him a call.” Detective Padron leaned back in his chair with his elbows out, resting his head in the palms of his hands. “But without any more information, I hope you can see that this doesn’t really give me anything to work with. I can’t exactly put out a BOLO for a non-descript, fat old man who may or may not have wanted to speak with Brad the day before he went missing. And no one reported seeing anything suspicious at the Lee household that night so we have no reason to believe this man got Brad’s address and waited for him outside his home.”

“But what if he intercepted Brad before he ever got home… maybe on that stretch of road right past my house that is enclosed by trees on either side…”

“That area was thoroughly searched and there was no evidence of a struggle. If someone stopped Brad on the way home that night he could have gotten willingly into the car with them.”

“No… he wouldn’t have…”
Wouldn’t have what? Accepted a ride from a stranger? I am losing this fight.

“If the man knew to come to Mr. Lizardo’s shop to look for Brad, it sounds like he wasn’t a stranger,” he said, reading my mind. “And with the dealings Brad had made in the past, it’s not unlikely that this man came looking for…”

Don’t say it.
“Brad doesn’t deal drugs.”

The detective let out a sigh and once again leaned forward onto his elbows on the desk. “As I said, I’ll talk to Mr. Lizardo.” He looked down his nose at me and changed his tone to a more delicate sound. “But please understand that this information isn’t necessarily going to change anything in Brad’s case. Kids nowadays see episodes of CSI: Atlanta and that Law and Whatever show and think law enforcement should be super human like those hokey cops on TV. That’s just not the case.”

I cringed at the word
kids
. He wasn’t taking me seriously. I decided to make a last ditch effort and try another approach-one I had seen those ‘hokey TV cops’ fall for many times.

“Are those your kids, Detective Padron?” I motioned to the picture hanging behind his head.

“Those are my girls.” He nodded without looking back. “Julie and Becca, they are six and nine.”

“And what would you do if they were missing?” I asked, leaning forward onto the desk to match his stature.

“Well,” he paused. “I don’t know what I would do if they were missing. Because, as I’m sure you can assume, they are not. But I do know I’ll be running background checks on any prospective boyfriends that come calling, so they aren’t running around town with juvenile delinquents.”

Is this aimed at me? Or is he taking a jab at my parents for not protecting me from Brad and his haunted past? Either way, my approach didn't work. I'm defeated
. I didn’t dare cause a scene as I had months ago, it hadn’t helped then and it certainly wasn’t going to make a difference now. I pushed the chair I was sitting in away from the desk, the legs squealed across the tile floor as it moved.

“I’m sorry if you think I’ve wasted your time,” I told him as I headed towards the door.

“You haven’t wasted my time, Lillian.” I turned to see him shaking his head. I detected a sympathetic look in his eyes I'd never noticed before. “I just hate to see you wasting yours. Now get back to school.” The corners of his mouth turned up in a small, sad smile.

All I could do was nod. I left the room, pulling the door closed gently behind me. I felt a tickle in my sinuses and opened my eyes wide trying to dry the oncoming flow of tears.
Why does it always come down to his past? If Brad were an honor student with a full ride to Yale I bet they would be looking for him. They would look harder for him if he had escaped from prison than they are now! He’s not good enough to matter, and not bad enough to count. And why does everyone think that it’s their place to tell me I’m wasting my time by continuing to care about Brad? What is so wrong with loving someone in spite of their past?

I pushed open the doors to the police station and was blinded by the bright sun as I rushed down the stone steps.
Please Lord, don’t let me cry here. Please let me make it somewhere, anywhere but here.
I blinked the sunspots away from my eyes and saw a tall male figure on the sidewalk coming towards me.

“Lillian!”

Brad?
I stopped in my tracks, trying to focus on him.

“Hey! I was hoping I would find you here.”

I recognized his dark hair first and realized it was Chris. But I didn’t get the sudden sinking feeling I usually got when I discovered it wasn’t Brad. Instead, I wanted to run to him and hug him as tears continued to well up in my eyes.

“Hi. I thought you were leaving… what are you doing here?” I felt a tear rolling down my face before my hand could wipe it away.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay.” Chris put his hand on my shoulder as I lowered my head to hide the reddening of my cheeks. “Come on, let’s take a walk.”

Chris’ hand drifted onto to my back as we started down the sidewalk, his fingers rubbing back and forth against my sweaty t-shirt. Just like a young child needs their parents to hold them and tell them everything is all right when they cry, I felt like I needed his touch.

“What happened in there?” he asked once my breathing had calmed.

“Nothing,” I sighed, staring at my feet as we walked. “Nothing happened. That’s the whole problem.”

He suddenly stopped in his tracks and pulled his hand away from my back.

“Do you need to get back to school?”

“No. Not today.”
Maybe not ever.

“Well, then let’s get out of here.”

“What?” I jerked my head towards him and searched his face.
Is he asking me to run away with him?

“I mean, let’s get off this busy street,” he responded with a laugh. “I don't want someone to see you.”

“Oh, right.”
If he
had
asked me to run away with him, what would I have said?

“What did you think I meant?” He smiled.

I shrugged my shoulders.
What am I supposed to say? I’m starved for male attention… or any normal attention for that matter… and I’d go anywhere you asked me to? That definitely wouldn’t come out right.

“Is there anywhere we can go?” Chris asked.

“Yes, I know the perfect place.”

I shouldn’t have said it.
I knew I shouldn’t say it before I even opened my mouth but I said it anyway. It is wrong on so many levels
. But I couldn’t stop myself. Before I could re-think my decision, I was leading Chris to the lake. I was asking him to follow me to a place I hadn’t been since the search party three days after Brad disappeared. I was leading him to sacred ground.

****

“Well, this is it,” I said quietly as we approached the waters edge.

“This place is incredible. I had no idea this town had something this cool.” Chris knelt to the ground and dipped his fingers into the clear water.

“This is where we had our last date. The night…” I drifted off.

“Oh, wow.” He stood up and looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to bring me here if…”

“No,” I cut him off. “It’s good. I wanted to. I needed to come here.”

I looked around the park. Over the course of the summer, nothing had changed. The grass was still green and lush, the lake water was still sparkling, and the trees were still dancing to the rhythm of the breeze.

“I have to admit, I came to town today to find you,” Chris said as he lowered himself onto the ground.

“You did?” I asked, sitting down a few inches away from him.

“Yeah. I… I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot.”

I searched his eyes. “About what?”

“Well, without sounding like a total creep…” he cleared this throat. “I’ve been thinking about you.” I looked at him with a puzzled expression. There was a look in his blue eyes I hadn’t noticed before. “I needed to get something off my chest.”

“Chris…” I wasn't sure what to say.

“I haven't been completely honest with you.”

My heart dropped. “Wait… what are you talking about?”

He suddenly seemed nervous and glanced over his shoulder.

“All right, seriously, Chris,” I said. “What’s going on?”

“Sorry.” He snapped his head back towards me. “I thought I heard something.”

I glanced behind us in the direction he had been looking, expecting to see a dog walker or someone out for a jog. But there was no one. We were alone.
I’m alone with someone who is practically a complete stranger. No one knows I’m here, no one knows who he is, and if he has been lying to me then
I
might not even know who he is.
I squeezed Brad’s ring in my fist.

“I just needed to tell you,” he started to speak but hesitated. “Yesterday, when we were talking at lunch, there's something I should have said.” He wouldn’t look at me when he spoke, he stared out across the lake and watched as a small fish jumped above the water line.

I wrinkled my brow. “What do you mean?”

“I was there that day,” he finally said. He still wasn't making eye contact.

“What day?” I asked, my heart rate increasing. “The day Brad...”

“No,” he stopped me. “Not the day he went missing. Two days later.”

I tried to think back to the early days of Brad's disappearance, but they were all a blur.

“Chris, please just tell me what you're saying,” I insisted. “I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.” I tugged on his shoulder, turning him to face me.

“I saw you that Sunday,” he said with a sigh. “You were walking down your street and something scared you. That something was me.”

“Wait...” The memories of that afternoon came flooding back to me. “The noise I heard in the trees, that was you?”

He nodded.

“Why didn't you say anything when I called out?”

“I wanted to,” he told me. “But I didn't know what to say.”

“Well, what were you doing there? Have you been watching me?” I asked. “Is that what this is about?”

“No.” Chris shook his head. “Nothing like that. I was just looking around and...”

“And what?”

“And then I saw you,” he said. “I saw the expression on your face. You seemed so... so hurt.”

I started to speak, but no words formed in my mouth.
He's right. I am hurt.

“Anyway,” Chris continued. “I wanted to meet you. So that's why I was at that party last month… and at the diner yesterday. Because of you.”

“So you
have
been watching me.”

“It sounds bad when you say it like that,” he said sheepishly. “But yes.”

I shrugged. “So why are you telling me this now?”

“Because.” Chris let out a sigh. “Because I've lost someone, too. And I understand what it’s like to not have any answers and feel like you’ve been betrayed.”

I started to tell him that no one understands, and he couldn’t possibly know what it was like. But I stopped myself.

“We don’t deserve to be hurt by the ones we love.” He stared at me, searching my face, and the words resonated.

“You're right,” I whispered, trying to overcome the lump in the back of my throat. “We don't.”

This cute, blue-eyed stranger had once again found the right words to say.
We don’t deserve to be hurt by the ones we love. But who are ‘we’? He and I? Brad? Or was I the one hurting people? Like Anna.

“I guess the truth is that you and I are a lot alike.” Chris’ eyes locked with mine, drawing me in. My heart rate increased. “I don't like to tell people about what I've gone through with my family,” he continued, holding his gaze. “But you... it's like you get me more than anyone else ever has because you understand what it's like to be hurt. Or to be lost... I can't really explain it.”

“I know what you mean,” I said, nodding. I wanted to admit I had been thinking about him, too. “You don't feel so alone when you know someone else is struggling just as much as you are.”

“Exactly.”

Suddenly, we were sharing a moment. We sat frozen for several seconds, staring into each other’s eyes, before he started leaning towards me. I held my breath as he reached up and gently touched the side of my face with his hand. His fingertips were soft and hot against my skin. As I let myself move closer to him, I shut my eyes and my mind started to drift back to that night at the lake, sitting in the very same spot with Brad.

Brad. What am I doing?

“I can’t.” I pulled away, shaking my head. I could barely catch my breath. “Chris, I’m so sorry.”

He dropped his head. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay. I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have…”

“I think you’re wonderful,” I whispered. “I really do. And I have enjoyed every moment with you over the past few days. But I can’t do this to Brad. It’s not right.” I looked down at my hands-they were shaking.

“I understand,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my fault.”

I tried to shake away the curious thought of what it would be like to kiss Chris, insisting I didn’t have feelings for him like that. I wasn’t sure if it was a lie or not, but I couldn’t let myself believe I could have feelings for anyone other than Brad.

“Lillian, can I ask you something?” he said after a moment.

“Of course.”

“How long…” Chris cleared his throat. “How long are you going to keep waiting for him?”

I was taken aback. “What? What do you mean?”

“He doesn't deserve you.”

“How can you say that?” I exclaimed as I jumped to my feet. “You don’t even know him.”

“I don’t have to know him. I can see what he is putting you through, Lil!” He rose to stand next to me, motioning with his hands as he spoke.

“Stop it.”

“I’m only trying to help you.”

“So was this your plan the whole time?” Tears welled up in my eyes again. “Pretend you understand what I’m going through so you can make a move?”

“What?” Chris shook his head. “No, of course not. Lillian, just listen, please.” He gently grabbed my elbow and pulled me in close to him as a tear rolled down my left cheek. He wiped it away with his thumb. “Hey, it's okay.”

I looked up at him through my wet lashes. “Please don’t tell me to move on, Chris.
Everyone
tells me to move on. I can’t take it from you, too.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It came out wrong.”

I pulled myself out of his grasp and crossed my arms close to my body. “So then, how did you mean for it to come out?”

He motioned me towards the ground and we sat side by side on the plush grass.

“What I wanted to say is that… I spent a long time falling into a depression because of things that happened with my family. I wanted things to go back to how they used to be. But one day I realized that no matter what happened, my life would
never
be the way it was before. Too much damage had already been done.” Chris put his hand on my knee and squeezed. “You never have to stop loving Brad, but please don’t let this break you.”

Too late. I’m already broken.

“I just want him here,” I told him as I wiped my tears. “I need answers. I need to find out where he is.”

“I know.”

“And I want him to explain why he kept so many things from me…” I went on. “I want to know who the man is who came looking for him the night before graduation!” I let out a groan.

Chris cocked his head. “A man?”

“Yes. He came to Lizard’s the night before Brad disappeared. That’s why I went to the police today, to tell them, but they aren’t going to do anything.”

“Do you know what he looked like?”

“Old, fat, gray hair.” I shrugged. “Apparently the description of half the cops in the precinct, according to Detective Padron. But Lizard gave him Brad’s address. He told him where he could to find him. The detective said it might not be related. I don’t see how it
couldn’t
be related. A strange man shows up the
night before
Brad disappears… I mean, what do you think?”

“I…” Chris looked at me, his mouth open. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, Lillian.”

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “I don’t know either.”

Chris suddenly sprung to his feet. “I should go.”

“What? Really?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how late it had gotten. I have to get back to Gladeville by tonight.”

“Oh.” My heart dropped. “When will you be back?”

“I’m not sure. But I’ll see you soon.” He smiled. “Can I walk you into town?”

I shook my head. “That’s okay, I’m going to hang here for a little longer.”

“Alright. Be careful.” He extended his arms and wrapped them around my back in a tight hug. I inhaled as I squeezed his neck, he smelled sweet. “Please think about what I said,” he whispered as he held me for a moment longer.