I'll Let You Go (48 page)

A few times, Amaryllis actually glimpsed the parents of her quirky hosts. One Saturday around midnight, after a hard day of designing masks in Edward's workshop and flying with Toulouse in the 747 simulator and giving Lucy her
Thousand and One Nights
fix, after a particularly arduous day of shopping and playing and eating
very
strange foods—for example, lunch consisted of raw fish and green mustard strapped by seaweed onto cubes of rice—a day made even
more
arduous by a visit to a certain bakery, whose creations so reminded her of Topsy that she burst into tears—Toulouse asked what was the matter, but she wouldn't say—around Saturday midnight, the merry twosome (Edward remained behind) abducted the girl and led her through flash-lit forest and pathway to Stradella's main house. Joyce and Dodd were having a party, and they espied them from the bushes. The first one Amaryllis noticed was a priest, whom Toulouse identified as Father de Kooning. She asked if the Flying Nun was there, laughing at her own lame joke. Mr. Hookstratten was in high spirits (the professor still tutored Dodd, currently mired in
Beowulf
), meaning he was drunk; Lucy said she could tell he was in the
middle of an anecdote about their now-legendary summer vacation. There were actors and socialites and a few portly men who had managed to pull Lotus and Lamborghini from the Nasdaq heap but sported bodyguards no more. Toulouse said that some of the wives were members of the Dead Baby Brigade—but his sarcasm was mostly for Edward's sake, by proxy.

Amaryllis was perplexed. When he began to explain Joyce's good works, the orphan, seeing her
own
babies before her, could bear no more and ran back through the night to the comforts of Olde CityWalk, flying straight to the duvet of her surreptitious, Black Lantern Shoppe couch.

T
wo weeks before Halloween, Toulouse brought her to La Colonne Détruite for a day of reckoning. He gave no preamble; she was clueless about the place. He left Pullman at home—he felt a little exposed and thought things would go easier without his four-legged friend. Maybe it was Pullman's feelings he was protecting.

They ducked through the storm drain, and for a while, though not much was said, Amaryllis was sure they were breaking into a condemned park. She was overdressed and tried hard not to soil her ensemble.

“My grandfather built this place for my parents.”

“When?”

“Before I was born. As a wedding present.”

She thought the Trotters to be truly wondrous; there seemed no end to the magical world they inhabited. All grass and sky, yet Toulouse said it had been “built”—this family worked in God-like scale! Then she saw it: on a rise at the edge of a glen stood a bewitching castle, as if dropped down from another world, another time.

“It's cracked!” she said, regarding the crown.

“It's supposed to be like that. There's another one just like it, in France.”

“Another one?”

He nodded.

“But what
is
it?”

“A house.”

“But why don't they live there?”

“It's a long story.”

“Does
anyone
live there?”

“No—maybe one day. Maybe one day
I
will.”

“You're
crazy
. Can we go inside?”

Mr. Greenjeans watched from afar as the children ran through corridors of myrtle, the fragrant shrub used during Sukkoth. On the orphan's birthday, Edward had shoved a fistful under her nose.

Amaryllis shivered as they entered the tower. She went to the staircase; Toulouse led the way. When they reached the top floor she was winded, more by unsettled feelings than exertion. As she parsed the landscape below, fear fell upon her. Then she took in the room itself—a bed was there, neatly made.

“Who stays here?”

“My mom, sometimes.”

“But why?”

“I guess she misses my father.”

“Is he dead?”

“No.”

He wanted to tell her everything, but was blank.

She led him to the bed and took off her blouse; she thought that's why he had taken her there. Toulouse wasn't sure at first what was happening. She was full of scars and discolorations, and he thought she was going to show him something like where she got stabbed or shot with a bullet. She grabbed his hand and put it on a tit. His mouth was arid and his stomach rumbled, embarrassing him. She put her fingers down his pants. He liked the way it felt, even though everything seemed numb. She stripped off her pants and underwear.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Fuck me,” said Amaryllis, summoning the old Airstream words like a depraved incantation. “Fuck my juicy pussy with your big fat cock.”

She helped pull off his pants, and now Toulouse felt funny lying there with this girl whom he loved, starting to do sexy things he had never done, in the room of his very conception. It was too much, and he pulled away. She became more aggressive and put her mouth on him and sucked, but that felt weirdly wrong and he pushed himself back, but she wouldn't stop until he fell off the bed and shouted, “No!”

Amaryllis burst into tears and wailed, “I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” and ran down the spiral stairs without her shirt. He grabbed it, hiking his pants up as he chased after. He tackled her on the ground floor and she
struggled in his arms until she couldn't anymore, and broke down again, begging his forgiveness.

Amaryllis was worried he'd tell the others; Toulouse was worried she might leave because he had pushed her away. To be truthful, he wasn't sure
how
he felt about what had happened—or what exactly had happened at all. It wasn't like the way he fooled around with Lucy; it excited him more, but was more … 
disturbing
. She seemed to know a lot of things he didn't, and he hoped she didn't think he was some kind of fag. But he
did
feel kind of faggoty around her—the stuff she said about fucking, and the
way
she said it, put a scare in him.
Maybe it was just cultural
, he thought. As Edward might say.

As they emerged onto Carcassone, he furtively reached in his pants and touched the tip of his penis. Her mouth-wetness was still there, and some wetness, it seemed, of his own. Walking aimlessly uphill, the girl looked miserable, as if this were the end of the line. She thought of saints again to quiet herself and for the first time in weeks
really
thought of the babies, thought hard, heart-hard, almost gagging with the heartache of it, the sorrow and the guilt. Her chin twitched uncontrollably, and she soldiered forward like someone on a death march. To cheer her up—and to make sure things would be all right with them again—Toulouse suggested they visit Saint-Cloud. She'd not yet been there, and he wanted to show Amaryllis the maze: so it was, from tower to labyrinth did they go, for in childhood there is mostly myth and no middle ground.

By the time they reached the gate, they were holding hands again, sweaty and tentative, like a couple come from therapy. Toulouse had concocted a biography (she would be the daughter of a Moroccan consul whom they had met on the summer trip) should they run into anyone, which was unlikely, since Bluey rarely left her room and Grandpa Lou was in Azusa, working. His mother had gone to Palos Verdes to freshen up one of her garden creations.

As they walked through the house, Amaryllis felt herself shrinking in size. So many riches upon riches … and all she had to give were her shame and her nothingness. There were family pictures all around—happy, beautiful people—what did
she
have? Not even snapshots of the babies!… Nor a photo of her mother, dead in bed with bulging eyes,
the corners of her crazy mouth stained chocolate by stomach fluids … Amaryllis struggled not to break and run. Watching her, feeling all her feelings, Toulouse knew right then that they should leave, but he continued on. The honeymoon was over, and he cringed; for he, Tull Trotter, né Toulouse, had been the one to end it.

Once they got outside, things improved slightly. Pullman crept from his teahouse and nuzzled her, lightening the mood. They went straight to the maze. After a month with the Trotters, the presence of a leafy backyard labyrinth was not bizarre in itself; just another ride in an amusement park that the orphan felt was soon closing, at least for her. Pullman plunged in, and the couple lazily followed.

“My mother built this—or grew it. It took about four years … but she wasn't here the whole time. There used to be a curtain between the maze and the house, two stories high. She didn't want anyone to see it till it was all grown. I don't know why, but none of us ever snuck in.”

They walked in silence, going deeper. The tinkle from Pullman's collar could be heard through faraway intersecting hedges.

“Amaryllis, wait.” She stopped without turning around. Toulouse caught up and took a long, slow breath. “Can we sit down?” He pointed to one of the stone benches lining the hedge. She sat contritely, believing the moment of excommunication had arrived. “My parents got married in that house—the place we were at. That room—that bed—is where they slept on their wedding night. And the next morning, when she woke up, he—my father—was gone. He disappeared. They hired a detective, but no one ever found him. They never told me about it. They always said he was dead, that he had a snowmobile accident in New Mexico. But it wasn't true.”

“He left her?”

“They said maybe he had mental problems.”

“My mom had mental problems. My dad left her, too. They never got married.”

“She went kind of nuts after that. She took drugs—a
lot
. She was in and out of hospitals.”

“They never found him?”

“No.”

“My father's in jail. In the Valley.”

“What for?”

“I don't know. They noticed him, but he declined to be present.”

He kicked a stone with his foot.

“My mom was in the hospital for drugs, too,” said Amaryllis.

“Where is she?”

“Someone killed her.”

“Killed her?” He was incredulous. “Do they know who did it?”

“She knew lots of bad people. She sold me once to a woman, for drugs.”

“God, Amaryllis!”

“Toulouse—you're not going to leave me, are you?”

“No! Why would I leave you?”

“Because of all the things that happened to me? And for what I did … back at the—”

“You didn't
do
anything. I even
liked
it.”

“No you didn't. I only thought that—I didn't mean to—”

“It's all OK. We're going to
help
you. Edward and Lucy—”

“I don't
want
anybody's help!”

He knew it had come out wrong.

“Toulouse … do you love me?”

“Do I love you?”

“I want to know.”

“Well—yes!” It wasn't as if he didn't; he loved her with all his heart. It was just that he'd never said that to a girl before. “I love you,” he said, and it wasn't so hard. Fun, even: “I
do
love you.” He put his arms around her and kissed her—rather professionally at that, thanks to the tutelage of Lucille Rose.

She started to cry. “I don't want to go back to that place. To MacLaren …”

“You're
not
, Amaryllis. You
won't
. You'll
never
have to go back, OK? I'll get my grandfather to—”

A scattering of pebbles through dust as Pullman kicked past, barking. A shout from the maze's entrance.

“Hey, Tull! Tull! Toulouse!” (People were actually beginning to call him that.)

“You in there?”

“Coming!” Then: “It's my mother—just stick to the story.” But she'd already forgotten the story. “You don't have to talk. You're
shy
, OK? And you don't speak English that well.”

Trinnie appeared at the end of the allée as a figure seen through the
wrong end of an opera glass. “Ahoy!” The children walked toward her; Amaryllis smelled the familiar attar of myrtle as the lady approached. Her brown-speckled pants, white shirt, and orange hair made her look like a perfect cigarette.

“I see you have company!”

“What's your name?” whispered Toulouse, a bit frantically; a detail he'd carelessly neglected. “What's your
name
?”

Amaryllis was truly stymied; by then, the woman was upon them.

“Well, hello!”

“Mom, this is—
Amar
. We met in Marrakesh.”

“I am so jealous!”

“She's the consul's daughter.”

“Hello, Amar! What a lovely name. She's
gorgeous
.”

“She's only here for a few weeks.”

“Well, we're happy to have you! Diane has
so
many stories—she showed me a picture of you and Dex on an elephant. Did you
know
,” she said to Toulouse, “those were the first pictures I'd seen of
le grand tour
? My
son
, Amar”—turning her full charm on the orphan—“is not very interested in photo documentation, as you may or may not know. I got him a digital camera and it just sits. I was
so
brutally envious I wasn't there—I
love
the Sahara—it was
obscene
the way I carried on, wasn't it, Tull? But I was taking care of Lauren Hutton, a dear friend of mine, who got in a terrible crash. I
adore
Marrakesh! I was there with Donna Karan and Lee Radziwill—at Dar Tamsna—that's in the Palmaraie, do you know it? Well, of course you do. Was that already eight years ago?”