Imperative: Volume 1, A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (46 page)

“I do not care of fortune.  My husband knows that.”  Elizabeth closed her hand tightly over their joined rings.

“I was not speaking of riches, Lizzy.”  Mrs. Gardiner smiled and patting the sofa, urged her to sit again.  “Pemberley is revered because the Darcys are liberal masters.  They care for their people very well.  Nobody starves there, nobody is neglected, and in return, they work hard and do well for their families.  It is a beautiful estate.”

“But if he has this reputation for being so kind, how can he tell me who I may visit?”

“He is your husband.”  Mr. Gardiner said with a shrug.  “It is his right.  I suspect though that Mr. Darcy’s hesitancy may have more fact laced in it than pride.”  His brows rose when Elizabeth’s knit.  “He is very well acquainted with my sister, is he not?”

“Yes . . .”

“Well?”

“How could he assume that you are the same as she?”  Elizabeth demanded.

“Why should he not?”  He stood and walked across the room.  “Has he not met your Aunt Philips, as well?  That is two out of three siblings, if I was laying odds, I would bet that the brother of two such, shall we say, irrepressible women . . .”

“That is being kind, Edward.”  Mrs. Gardiner said quietly.

“I realize that, Maddy.”  He turned back to his niece.  “In any case, I am likely to be just as bad, or worse by virtue of my sex.  I am likely corpulent, chew with my mouth open and belch regularly at table.”  He chuckled when Elizabeth’s eyes rolled.  “It explains his caution in some respects, does it not?”

“But does he not trust me at my word?  Why would he not listen to me?  Is that not a sign of respect?”

“Of course it is.  I cannot pretend to know all that is in Mr. Darcy’s mind, but may I ask; have you experienced any trouble since your marriage?  You mentioned his aunt’s unhappiness with you.  Perhaps the quick timing . . .”  He glanced at Mrs. Gardiner and she touched Elizabeth’s hand, drawing her attention away from thoughts of any number of subjects that could qualify as trouble.

“We have been so worried, dear.  Your letter made no mention of it, but your mother did imply that . . . did Mr. Darcy . . . take advantage, before you married?” 

“Advantage?”  Elizabeth startled, and realizing what they were asking, gasped. “NO!  Mr. Darcy is a gentleman!”

“Thank God.”  Mr. Gardiner sighed and sat back down. 

“Lizzy, if ever there was any doubt of Mr. Darcy’s feelings for you, they should have been eliminated when you married.”  Mrs. Gardiner spoke seriously.  “A man like Mr. Darcy would never have married so far below himself for any other reason.  I thought that immediately when you sent your letter, before I read your mother’s.  He may not have expressed it yet, but he loves you.” 

Elizabeth absorbed all that her aunt had said.  “I know that he loves me.  He has told me, and I have told him of my feelings, that is why I do not understand why he would hurt me this way.  Why would he deny me my family?”

“He has not; he said we may visit your home.”

“But not to dine!  He makes you no better than the strangers who have been coming to call!”

“Well . . .” Mr. Gardiner smiled, “I imagine that perhaps he was erring on the side of caution.  If we appeared and were acceptable, I can see him extending an invitation to remain for dinner.  If we were savages, he could send us on our way, having fulfilled his duty to you.” 

Confused, she looked between them.  “But I must entertain his family without a word?”

“
Your
family, dear.  You are a Darcy now, and in the early days of this marriage.   It is up to you to make them see you as Mrs. Darcy, and not Elizabeth Bennet.”  Mrs. Gardiner watched her thinking and nodded sagely.  “It took me ages to become used to being Margaret Gardiner.  I cannot tell you how many times I wrote my maiden name on letters only to have to cross it out!” 

“It is so much, Aunt.”  Elizabeth’s anger had entirely deflated.  “I feel so lost.  Fitzwilliam has been so dear, and so kind, and I know that he needs me, but what I saw today just reminded me of everything that I thought of him when we began to meet, and it terrified me that I was wrong about him.”

“You would let one argument usurp the good opinion that you held?  You call him dear and kind, a few moments of heated words should not dictate the rest of your lives, should it?”  Mrs. Gardiner smiled at her husband.  “If that were the case, I am afraid that your uncle and I would have parted ways long before we wed.”

“That is true.”  He nodded and noticed Elizabeth was considering Mrs. Gardiner’s statement critically.  “What beyond your argument bothers you, Lizzy?”

“Oh . . .”  She started.  “So many things.  I spent today trying to play the part of the mistress of the house while a French modiste ordered women to dress me, and I have a housekeeper who runs everything so efficiently that even the scant knowledge I have from Mama is not needed.  We attended church on Sunday, and on Monday I had women calling on me, wishing to speak on subjects that I cannot address, and . . . three times now I have met disappointed ladies who had hoped that my husband would favour them.  So many women left their cards today, it is overwhelming, and it is nothing to what I might expect when the Season begins!  Why do they want to see me?  Why?”  Mr. Gardiner stood and quietly left the room as Elizabeth wiped her eyes and Mrs. Gardiner embraced her.  “I have nobody to talk to about this.  I cannot burden Fitzwilliam; he has so much to worry over.  I know that he needs me to buoy his spirits; he needs me to smile and love him . . .”

“And you clearly need him to smile and love you, but was he not by your side for most of these encounters?  Is that not love and support?  He sees you struggling and does not abandon you.   Perhaps your husband’s poorly explained refusal to dine here was just the spark that fuelled your own insecurities and reaction to him?”  Elizabeth drew away and stared at her wide-eyed.  “Oh my dear, you are only just married; it cannot all come together so quickly, it takes time, but soon you will be going to your home in Derbyshire, and the two of you will have all the privacy in the world.  You have not known each other very long.  There was no courtship, barely an engagement; you have much to learn of each other.  It is a great deal to take on all at once, for both of you.”  She took her hands, “And add to that you have to recover from becoming a wife.  Has he been kind?”  Mrs. Gardiner asked gently.

“Of course, he is very polite and considerate . . .”

“I meant,” She searched for the words, “when doing his duty.”

Elizabeth blushed.  “Oh.”

“There is no need to be embarrassed, dear.  Do you have any questions?”  Mrs. Gardiner smiled her encouragement.  “I can imagine your mother was more confusing than helpful.”

Elizabeth’s mouth opened and closed, and she wrestled with telling her aunt the truth when the sound of a very strong knock at the front door was heard.  The women looked at each other and in the distance; Elizabeth heard the unmistakable rumble of Darcy’s voice demanding if she was within.  “He is here.”  Her heart started to pound, she was completely unsure what he would do.

“Mr. Darcy?”  Mr. Gardiner’s voice drifted under the door.  “I am Edward Gardiner, Lizzy’s uncle.  Welcome to my home.  She is well and is in conference with my wife right now; perhaps you might join me in my study for a drink while we wait the ladies out?” 

There was a very long pause, and Elizabeth closed her eyes while her fingers rubbed over his ring.  “Elizabeth is well?”  She could hear the strain in his voice.

“As well as a lady who is very confused and frightened can be.”

“Frightened?”  Darcy’s deep voice dropped almost to a whisper.  “Of me?  Where is she?  Take me to her immediately!”

“Why do we not retire to my room, sir?  Let the ladies speak.”  Elizabeth could imagine Darcy’s stare, either boring through her uncle or through every closed door in the hallway. 

“Take me to my wife, sir.” 

Mrs. Gardiner held Elizabeth’s hand and they rose to their feet just as the door opened.  Mr. Gardiner entered and was immediately followed by Darcy.  Mrs. Gardiner curtsied.  “Mr. Darcy, may I present my wife, Margaret.”

“Forgive my intrusion, madam.  I would like to speak to my wife in privacy.” 

“Of course, Mr. Darcy.”  Mrs. Gardiner squeezed Elizabeth’s hand and left the room.  Mr. Gardiner looked at the couple staring at each other and sighed, shaking his head, and closed the door behind him.  The silence was deafening.

“Please say something.”  Elizabeth said at last and looked down at her hands. 

Darcy followed her gaze and saw his ring on her finger. “You have something of mine.”  He spoke quietly as he watched her fingers rubbing over the gold band.  “Parker informed me that I would know where to come and find it.  He was mistaken.  I had no idea where to go.  At first I thought you might have run into the park, where God forbid you may have met any number of miscreants who lurk there after dark.  But then I was informed by my staff that you flew out of the house, hell bent on leaving, and commandeered a cab.”  He paused as he watched her twisting hands.  “Mrs. Gaston had the presence of mind to send Robbie running after you.  He jumped on the back and rode with you here.” 

Elizabeth looked up at him in surprise and their eyes met at last, revealing in a flash the raw emotion he was fighting. 

“How could you, Elizabeth?  How could you put yourself in such danger?  Riding alone at dusk, an unknown driver at the reins, he could have driven you anywhere!”  Darcy spun away and began to pace as his voice rose.  “He could have driven you to a dark mews and raped you!  He could have robbed you, hurt you, taken you to any number of terrible locations and left you there . . .” Turning he stared at her with pained eyes and saw that both of her hands were to her mouth.  “Elizabeth . . . this is
not
Hertfordshire!  I admire your independence but
Good God Woman
, this is NOT the way to display it!  I lost my sister for four hellish months when she ran off without a word.  Can you imagine the utter panic I felt to be riding here?  I knew only that your relatives lived in Gracechurch Street.  Do you KNOW how long this street is?  If Robbie had not spotted the crest on our carriage, I would be resorting to pounding on every door, praying that you were within!  Elizabeth . . .”  He turned away and stood by the window, his hands were clenched into tight fists and he was trying hard to maintain control.

“Oh, Fitzwilliam . . . I am so sorry for frightening you.  I did not think of the consequences of leaving, how could you have known where I had gone?   It was just . . .  You were so harsh and I had never seen that side of you before.  I did not understand why you would not allow me to come here . . . I felt so angry and hurt . . . and then you left . . .   I needed to do
something
when you left me.” 

“I thought that there was word on Wickham.”   He said tonelessly.

“Is there?”  She stepped closer. 

“No.” 

“Oh.” 

“Your uncle said that you are frightened.  I should have known by the way you spoke to me, but I . . . I was so taken aback and so sure of my stance, that I reacted . . . Good Lord Elizabeth, you
know
that I cannot express myself well, especially when . . . Did you fear I would harm you?  Never, Elizabeth, never would I do such a despicable thing!”  His head hung and he tried to blink away the blur in his eyes, silently praying that she would reassure him.

“No, Fitzwilliam.”  Elizabeth wiped the tears streaming down her face and standing behind him, spoke to his broad back.  “Never would you intentionally harm me, I know that, but you must know that your words hurt.”  Silence descended, Elizabeth watched his hands clenching and unclenching, and finally move together to begin twisting his father’s ring.  She looked down at his ring on her finger.

Darcy drew breath and began to speak very softly. “Richard said something to me today, and I am afraid that it got my back up.  I was caught up in thoughts of it when you appeared in the study.”  Hearing nothing, he continued on.  “He implied that I was changing, moving away from my upbringing, and abandoning the beliefs that I had been taught.”

“By marrying me?”

“That, and my friendship with Bingley . . . and there are other things that were not mentioned, things he does not know I think about . . . my recognition that the monarchy is ill . . . and realizing that the world is changing, people are changing.  It is subtle, but I feel the pull to hold on to the past even as I feel the push to move in a new direction.  I do not know what the proper course is, but Elizabeth . . . so many things in my life that were set in stone when my father breathed are different already . . .”

Trying to understand what he was saying, Elizabeth listened carefully.  “So . . . Coming to dinner in Cheapside would be a capitulation for you?”

“It sounds so foolish when you say it like that; it is a meal, nothing more.” 

Her head shook vehemently, “No more foolish than me taking off my wedding band because you invited my relatives for a visit to our home instead of us coming here for dinner.”

Darcy’s voice sounded hollow and he stared out of the window to the street, still busy with merchants even in the dark.  “Times are changing, Elizabeth.  I know who I am right now, but I do not know who I will be in the future, or what I can do to protect my wife and my children from the revolution that is to come.”  He shook his head and continued to turn the signet ring.  “For whatever reason, it all came to a head in the library today, and you were the unfortunate recipient of my fears.”

“You cannot shoulder the responsibility for all of the world, Fitzwilliam.”

“I do not worry about the whole world, only for my small piece of it.”

“I think that the piece you have chosen is bigger than your mouth.”  Her heart ached to see his shoulders slump further.

“I do not know any other way, Elizabeth.  I was given an education, but it was not complete when I was forced to take charge . . . And I said what I did to you . . .”

“And instead of drawing you out, I displayed my own insecurities and made you even more defensive.  My aunt and uncle explained to me truths about myself that I . . . I knew, but would never have admitted.  I understand now why you would not wish us to come here, even beyond the burdens you carry for the future of the Darcys.”