Authors: Shuvom Ghose
Tags: #humor, #army, #clone, #war, #scifi, #Military, #aliens, #catch 22
"I've never made you do that!" I protested.
"You better not," she laughed, then looked at her watch. "I'll pull Flores out of there in five minutes. And we don't meet again until after the op, in the barracks."
"Agreed. Go."
I got her text in exactly five minutes, and took the winding path to TacOps, to not meet her or the real Flores. Right outside the door, I took my shirt off as planned. Now my chest tattoo was plainly visible and no one would wonder why Flores had left wearing personalized fatigues and returned in common ones.
Jonesy was behind his screen, as always, pizza crumbs collecting in his creases. "Sir? Back already? You just left."
I moved like I ran the place, fast and straight to Flores' desk. "Thought of something right before I went to bed. I think those Infinity guys are right. That valley's clear."
Jonesy sat up with shock. "But... really?"
I scanned my wrist and the computer beeped success, and then I started navigating screens like I had been doing it for months. Because I had practiced it eighty times in the barracks, from Butcher's recordings. I even entered his password without thinking.
"Yes," I said, typing. "I want Oakley off of our backs. Omega had no contacts, and now I heard two Immortal shits boasting how they're going to go into the valley next patrol. If they come up empty again and we have the valley red, Oakley will make us run out to the farms with Hughes. You've seen those runs, right Lieutenant Jones?"
The blood drained from his face and he almost dropped his slice of pizza. "Yes sir! Do... you need any help sir?"
"Nah. I've got it."
The valley turned blue on the Master Map, and I made the swamps to the west of it a brighter red, almost the brightest. That would cover our trips to clear the river snakes that Red-Stripe had asked for help with.
And then I started typing. A lot.
It had been hard, trying to imagine what Flores would have known about the valley from just reading after-action reports, and when he would have known it. It was also tough mimicking the self-assured prick tone I guessed he must write in. He probably knew all the stupid rules about what not to end a sentence with. And how not to start them.
But I got something close enough to what he would say, bundled it with a copy of the Master Map, and uploaded it to the waiting transport. Which would go through the wormgate in less than an hour.
Then I got the Hell out of there.
I threw on my shirt and headed straight towards our barracks, fighting every urge to run. If I just got behind those doors and killed myself, I'd be safe! I was in the hall leading to the barracks- just a few more turns and...I almost jumped when I saw SMaj Hughes coming down the hall at me.
Just walk normally
, I thought.
Wait, no- walk like Flores! Shit- too late!
Hughes tilted his head as he tried to read my missing nametag. "Soldier- what's your name?"
I snapped to attention and tried to act flustered, which wasn't a huge stretch. "Captain Flores! Sir!"
Hughes squinted at me, looking my cloned body over for something. My heart started pumping faster.
"The way you walked down the hall," he said. "For a second it reminded me of..." As I held the salute, Hughes' eye caught the name tattooed on my wrist and he shook his head. "Never mind, all you clones look alike to me. At ease. You're in TacOps, right Flores?" I actually relaxed until he said, "What do you know about Infinity Squad?"
"Yes. What do you mean?" There went my heart again.
He leaned forward as if sharing a secret. "That squad is pulling some sort of con. I'm sure of it. Those misfits are killing spiders, and no one else is?"
What would Flores do? The haughty, peevish-
I sniffed. "Finally. Someone else who agrees with me."
Hughes nodded, even leaning closer. "They claimed they killed 15 spiders using shoulder-launched rockets from choppers. But I just checked the sat pictures. Did you know, there isn't one smoking hole visible in the valley? But there
were
burning trees on the edge of the desert. What do you think of that?"
I took a deep breath and appeared to be troubled. "While I agree that Lieutenant Forrest and Infinity Squad are class A screw-ups," I said, "that canopy is deciduous type II leaves. Thick and dripping wet most of the time- you won't see any smoke or impact craters through it. And there's a species of bee out near the desert that actually explodes when a predator bites it. We've seen them from the unmanned drones. Flock instinct when flying. Too many of them probably got too close together."
I shook my head. "No, Infinity Squad cleared that valley of spiders- I just changed the Master Map myself. But what I don't like is the
way
that they did it. Hanging off choppers and shooting rockets at them like yahoos? It's unprofessional. It's sloppy. And it lets them inflate their kill totals, I think. At least the other squads come back with clean, honest zeros."
I was walking a fine line here. I had to get Hughes to stop looking at sat pictures behind us, because he was going to find something eventually. But I had to justify Flores changing the Master Map, and to agree with Hughes because Flores was a dick like that. It wouldn't do to have Hughes bump in to the real Flores later tomorrow in the cafeteria and meet a totally different person.
As I watched the hamster wheel turning in Hughes' head as he tried to process all I had just dumped on him, I was trying my hardest not to giggle.
"Yes, bees," he said, nodding. "And it IS sloppy. But maybe, if it's effective, the other squads should adopt it. I'll think about that, Captain."
Sure. Think until steam pours out your ears. "Yes Sergeant Major," I said, then started towards safety again.
"Captain?" he asked. "Those are the Squad barracks. Where are you going?"
I stopped in my tracks.
"Two... um... Immortal soldiers, their Lieutenants, were talking about dropping in the valley tomorrow. We just marked it cleared. I was going to order them to rethink their plans."
His eyes narrowed. "General Oakley and Infantry Captain Morse decide where the patrols will go, not you Captain Flores. You just make your maps." He looked at me with renewed scrutiny. "In fact, speaking of sloppy, where's your nametag? Why are you wearing common fatigues?"
"I... I ran out of laundry, sir."
"I'll relay your message to Immortal Squad, Captain. As a
suggestion
. And dress up your fatigues. If I catch you wearing a uniform without nametags again, you're going to join me for a little midnight run."
"Yes sir!" I replied, snapping to attention then hurried back the way I had come.
The lies were breaking down. If he saw me again tonight, I couldn't keep up the Flores act during a run- I'd be too tired! But I couldn't get back to barracks. And I couldn't get out of this body without dying!
I raced down the halls, trying to think.
My buffering band was five bars green. But I couldn't leave a body lying around to find. Shit. What on base could get rid of a body so that no one could read its tattoos? And then I knew what I had to do.
I burst into Three-Spot's holding cell and dropped to my knees in front of him.
"Eat me!" I said.
He looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I need to hide this body! Kill me quickly- through this tattoo! And cut off my wrists and eat them first!"
"Are you under some compulsion? Another's control? This is a most unusual request."
"No! I want you to do this! I will live again in another body, but you must eat the arms and chest of this one!"
"Very well." Three-Spot rose to his eight feet above me and circled me. "I must say, I am coming to enjoy your kind's flesh even more than I do lightning snakes." Back in front of me again, he placed the needle point of one razor claw against my heart, and then raised it high and back.
"That is strange," he said, poised to strike. "Your mind looks different again. Duller around the edges."
And then he stabbed me through the heart.
***
Chapter Eight
It worked, sort of. Oakley checked all official Earth-bound messages as we assumed he did, and the next morning he treated us to a speech praising the troops, Flores, and himself for finally liberating the valley from the spider menace. It was a little worrisome that Oakley gave the speech directly into our implants through the emergency channel, but as he blathered on, for minute after minute, at how long and hard Immortal, Omega, and 'the other' squads had fought for this day, I could practically hear Flores throwing away his report on how the Master Map had been hacked. Zazlu, Butcher and I even started dropping hints around Dakota that it had been Flores' unusual mix of insight, cunning and guts that had been the keys to this historic milestone for the war effort, and she raced off after breakfast to record a hero piece on him.
There was no way he was changing the map back now.
I told Three-Spot as much as I planned our next patrol with him. Unfortunately, the spider did not see the elegance of our schemes.
"Why do you just not take a vote to end this practices of 'patrols'?" he asked. "If a majority of the warriors wish the practice stopped, General Tree must acquiesce."
"That's not how it works," I sighed. "Soldiers can't just vote to stop a war. Hell, if we could do that, there'd never be any wars at all!"
"But should not those fighting and dying in the conflict have the most say in when the conflict is no longer worth the eff-"
"Look, I don't care how simply you do it in spider society!" I said, slamming my hand on my map. "Human laws are more complicated. We have to follow Oakley's orders, no matter what! Now look, he's ordered us to patrol today, and I want to do the same as last time, drop into the valley to meet Red-Stripe, then leave with some old skulls."
The spider lowered all four of his eyes to face down at me. That was disapproval, I had learned. "The hunting parties had to leave behind a significant kill, due to your lack of warning for the last patrol. Red-Stripe will not be pleased."
"But he'll still give us skulls, right? We promised to look into his river snake problem."
"That is in the future. What will the hunting parties feed their families today?"
I slumped back into my chair. There was one easy option, of course, but I didn't feel like dying again. Or being eaten. There was a second option, which, like everything else recently, would take us deeper down the rabbit hole.
"I'll take care of it," I sighed. "Tell Red-Stripe to expect delivery of a tribute this morning."
I spotted my favorite doctor eating alone as I waited in the cafeteria line. I couldn't stop glancing back as I filled my plate, watching her tuck her red hair absently behind her ear or bite her lip as she read something engrossing off her tablet. I also noticed her looking up at me while I got my food with the other clones, and making notes on her pad. She must have noticed my attention because a blush spread on her cheeks and she uncrossed and crossed her long legs tightly.
Which is why I didn't expect to startle her when I sat down across the table.
"Soup and salad for breakfast, Doct-"
"Ahhh!" she gasped, almost dropping her tablet into her tomato soup as she scrambled to turn it off. "Excuse me, soldier!" she said indignantly, before looking at my nametag. "Oh. Lieutenant Forrest. I didn't know you were here. What were you saying?"
"You didn't know I was..." I shook my head. "Fine. I was just saying, that's a strange choice for breakfast, Doc."
"This is
dinner
, Lieutenant. I work nights, if you hadn't noticed. And you're not quite following the food pyramid, either," she finished, nodding at my plate.
It was filled with raw carrots and apples, which I had planned on stuffing into my fatigue pockets as soon as I got out of sight.
I gave her my best smile. "Well, it's this new body, Doc. I'm just finding my appetite for red and orange things greatly... increased."
The red-headed doctor set her mouth in a line. "That's not possible, Lieutenant. You're exactly the same as you were before. In ALL your preferences."
I bent over and talked low, so only she could hear. "And what if I didn't believe you? What if I told you that, each time I resurrected, I found myself wanting things I never noticed before?"
My breath was brushing on her cheek, and I could feel the warmth radiating off her neck as I looked down at her. She looked good in the morning.
Shannon Murphy blushed, then leaned forward and gripped my forearm with her cool hand.
"Come see me in my room tonight," she whispered right into my ear. "Alone." She uncrossed her legs and walked off, leaving half her food uneaten.