Authors: Shuvom Ghose
Tags: #humor, #army, #clone, #war, #scifi, #Military, #aliens, #catch 22
"FUCK YEAH!" Juan said, pumping his fist at the motionless snake. "Suck it!"
Zazlu was grinning and I looked over and Jinx was laughing too. Four clones in a helicopter, still literally wet behind the ears from the res tanks, celebrating four different ways with the exact same face.
Juan put another string of bullets into its back, but the snake still didn't move.
"Jinx, take us down," I said. "We're getting a picture with this thing!"
I wasn't going to let Juan get anywhere near his birth body, so I waded through waist high muck to the smoking wreck of our first helo. I assumed Juan would have forgotten to leave his cellphone on base as I ordered, and after inhaling some smoke and searching through his pockets, I was right. I waded back to the island we had landed on, snapped a picture of Jinx, Juan and Zazlu posing in front of the snake's massive mouth then tossed the phone to Juan.
"Sir, don't you want one with you in it?"
"Private," I laughed, "I can just tell everyone that one of you ugly guys is me. They won't know."
Zazlu and Jinx laughed as Juan looked down at his cloned body and blushed. "Shit, that's right. I forgot." Then he got a serious look on his face and slumped to a seat on the helo like the breath went out of him. "Oh shit. Oh no."
"What's wrong?"
"Dakota... she won't... want me anymore."
Zazlu clapped him on the shoulder. "Son, I've seen you in the showers. This body is an improvement in that area."
Juan brushed Zaz's hand off. "No it's not!"
Zaz took the helo's toolkit and started off toward the river snake, shaking his head. Jinx leaned against the side of the helo and fired off a cigarette. I sat down next to the moping Private.
"Look," I told him, "it will be alright. If she liked you before, she'll like you now."
"Dakota said the first thing she loved about me was my smile."
"Private, it will be all right. I promise you," I said, even though I didn't know if it would. I had no idea what would happen. "You and her will be fine."
Jinx offered him the cigarette and first he refused, but then took it. We passed the smoke back and forth as we watched Zaz struggle. Five minutes later, Zazlu came back holding one of the river snake's scales, a diamond shape about the size of a gladiator shield.
Jinx waved the cigarette at the 100 tons of dead animal still laying there. "What, you don't want to take its head back for Oakley?"
"Then he'd just want five more," Zaz spat, tossing the scale into the helo where it clattered to rest like an iron plate.
I patted Juan on the shoulder again, then looked up at Zaz. "Hey, do you think you could get one more of those?"
The sun was setting as our helo touched down in Red-Stripe's clearing. I got out and tossed the second scale at his six feet.
There, we've taken care of your river snake problem,
I thought.
One of them, at least.
The spider was looking down at the trophy dubiously. "You have frightened it? Led it away from our edge of swamp?"
We killed it. You're welcome.
"You killed...the river snake?"
I was tired. The swamp had soaked through my fatigues into my underwear and socks an hour ago and my feet had been cold ever since.
Yeah. We got one. How many more are there?
"You killed The River Snake?" He picked the scale up with his razor claws and began examining it. My shoulder throbbed from firing seven rockets in short order. My entire lower half was wet and clammy. I just wanted to get to a hot shower, and my mental calm was slipping.
"Yes! Now can we just have our skulls and go home?" I said, out loud where Juan could hear.
Three Hell-Spiders came out of the jungle carrying four fresh looking skulls and handed them to Juan and Zaz as Red-Stripe still turned the scale over in front of him.
"Thank you," I said, then swung back up into the helo. "Jinx, let's go."
On the way back, Juan was looking at me. "We're not trying to find the Hell-Spider king to kill him, are we Lieutenant?"
I looked at Zaz, who shrugged. I sighed. "If you think you can keep it a secret from your reporter girlfriend, I'll tell you the whole story," I said, then leaned back and closed my eyes. "AFTER we have a hot shower."
At the flightline, we tossed the skulls at one of Oakley's BlackShirts and then squished our way back to barracks. Cloned Juan got a hero's welcome from some, sympathy from others, and a bittersweet glance from Ann-Marie. With a cane, she led the rest of the squad out for dinner and the three of us stripped right there. The first blast of scalding hot water hitting my back felt incredible.
Soon we were laughing.
"Did you see the size of that thing?" Juan said. "That's some dinosaur-level shit we just killed!"
"Now that," Zazlu began, "was what I call a purple headed monster."
I laughed. "I knew a gal back in Detroit who would swear she had seen larger."
"You got a picture of yourself in front of that snake too, Lieutenant?"
"Shut up, Juan."
I stayed in the shower after Zazlu and Juan had left, just letting the heat soak into my bones. But more importantly, I was trying to count. The cafeteria. The lightning snakes. Impersonating Flores. And now the helo crash. Four deaths.
No, shit, impersonating Flores had been two deaths- so five in all. I had to go see Three-Spot before I met up with Doc Murphy tonight. I had to know exactly what he had seen changing in my head each time.
I stepped out of the showers with a towel around my waist and one over my shoulders. The barracks were deserted with everyone at dinner.
I opened Zazlu's rucksack and pulled the snake scale from where he had hidden it, feeling its weight in my hands. The edges were worn smooth from years of use but the half-transparent material still shimmered like a fish's scale.
Had it been worth it? Dying once, then almost again, just for the memory of having killed something larger than three gray whales?
I remembered the noise the snake had made, falling to its death against the muddy ground.
Hell yes it had been worth it.
I walked over to Juan's bunk and put the scale under his covers. The kid deserved a trophy to show off tonight, and we could always go back tomorrow to get Zazlu another. It's not like that purple-headed monster was going-
"Juan! There you are!" Dakota cried from the doorway.
I jumped away from Juan's bunk, gripping the towel around my waist. "No! I was just-"
"Just avoiding me?" she said, racing towards me in her high heels. "I've been texting you non-stop as soon as I heard! Why haven't you replied? Oh, let me look at you!"
"No, Dakota, don't-"
She was on me faster than a lightning snake, holding my face between her cool hands and forcing me to look at her. She had just come from work, her hair perfect and shiny, her lipstick bright and fetching, and her miniskirt showing off miles of her athletic legs.
"Dakota," I gulped, trying to look her in the eyes. "Seriously, I'm not Juan-"
She forced me forward into a kiss, her soft lips prying mine apart with passion. I knew I should have resisted more, but she tasted like strawberries.
"Baby," she said, coming up for air with a smile, "all soldiers say that after their first time." She forced us to look eye to eye. "But I know you're still you in there- I can SEE it in your eyes! And I want you to know nothing's changed between us.
Nothing
."
She pushed me back towards Juan's bunk- she was so much stronger than she looked- and I sat down right onto the rock hard snake scale I had hidden under the covers. Speaking of which, the towel around my waist was just a formality at this point. The one over my shoulders, however, still hid my chest tattoo from her.
Dakota looked down at the tent in my lower towel and grinned. "I knew you were still in there!" She kicked off her heels and started unbuttoning her silk shirt quickly.
"No, just wait a second-"
She cut me off with another hard kiss, longer this time, and forced my hands down her back to the miniskirt stretched over her toned, hard butt. Yes, I squeezed, but only because that’s what I thought Juan would have done. Honest.
"We'll do the first one quick, just like a band-aid," she whispered into my ear. "Then you won't feel so conscious about your new body!" She hiked up her skirt and pushed me onto my back, straddling my legs. Now the edge of the snake scale was cutting into my shoulder blades with my weight AND hers on it. It was a testament to Dakota that I almost didn't notice.
You know, sometimes I hate being the type of officer that always lets his men come first.
I pulled her mouth off mine just before Tab A impaled Slot B and did my best angry Mexican accent. "Dakota! Chica- wait one damn second! What have I always told you?"
She looked up at me, confused. "What?"
"Sometimes I need time to like, just think, you know?"
"Yeah, but I thought..." She ground against the tent in my towel again. "...and you seem ready..."
With great effort, I pushed her gently off of me. "Baby, sweet-thing, I like your roll, I do. Just come back in one hour and I'm all yours. I just gotta clear my head and then we're gold. Promise." And I gave her my best Juan wink.
She looked at me. "They say some soldiers get depressed right after their first time. Sad about losing their birth body."
I gave her a look. "Baby, it's me. Come on."
She laughed. "I should have known you'd be fine! Alright, Juanito, I'll come back tonight."
I gripped her hand as she started to leave the bed. "Hey, Chica, don't ever mention this to anyone. I got a rep to keep up, you know." I kissed her hand and let go.
She started buttoning her shirt back up. "Sure, Juanito."
"Not even to me. When you see me tonight, let's just pretend this never happened."
She slipped back into her high heels. "Okay. But when I come back tonight, we're going to..." She pulled her mouth close to my ear and whispered the eight greatest words a man could hear.
I grinned. "Sure Chica. But only if we first..." I whispered back ten words that would make Juan's night even better. Even Dakota blushed at that.
"Okay," she giggled.
We kissed one last time, I grabbed a long hard squeeze of her ass because that's what Juan would have done, and then she left.
I sat on Juan's bed, my heart racing and my towel pointing at the ceiling. Screw Three-Spot. I was going to see Doc Murphy first.
Her red hair was delightfully mussed, just a little bit. She hadn't put on her lab coat over her shirt and slacks yet and she was barefoot. "Lieutenant Forrest? I hadn't expected you until later," Shannon said, opening the door to her quarters halfway.
"Sorry Doc, something came up. May I?" I asked, already walking forward. She wasn't leaving me in the hallway
this
time. She retreated before me and I walked in.
"Sure, um, let me just..." She did that same trick all people do, picking up one or two things in their otherwise messy room when people come over. Her studio apartment-sized quarters were nice, however, with a few bookshelves against the wall and a soft carpet on the ground. Carpet? Oh yeah, I remember humans used to have those. It had been so long.
"Sorry, I'll just be a minute," she said, rushing around the room picking up papers. Papers? The Army still used paper since soldiers were expected to keep fighting by torchlight, chest deep in mud, under the pouring rain. But sciency types never used paper anymore unless... they wanted to hide something from prying electronic eyes.
As she rushed around to collect her notes, I couldn't decide whether to peek at what was on the papers or the exciting little sliver of skin that showed between Shannon's waistband and untucked shirt each time she bent over. I did a half and half.
The papers had a list of soldiers who had undergone resurrection the most, with the words "simulacrum" and "Baudrillard effect" on them. And Doctor Shannon Murphy, M.D., had a pierced belly button.
She put the papers on her desk in the corner, far from me, but then reached up to put up her hair, showing me her navel ring for another fun second. "Okay," she said. "Why don't we start with you on the bed? Let me grab something to make this easier..."
Now this was getting good. I kicked off my boots and sat on her soft, warm comforter. When she turned back around, she was holding a blank notepad with papers clipped to it and I was holding my shirt in my hands.
"Trooper!" she gasped, shielding herself with the clipboard. "What did you think we were going to do here?"
I narrowed my eyes at her. "What did YOU think we were going to do here?"
She pointed at her notepad. "I was going to interview you about the changes you think are happening to you each time you resurrect!"