Island Rush (30 page)

His eyes stayed on mine the whole time as he scrambled to his feet, somewhat dazed.  After a few attempts, he started to walk quickly towards me too. A moment later, when he was close enough, and my heart was going nuts, I could see his eyes were wet.  The sight didn’t last as he rushed to me. He had me in his arms a second later, hugging me hard to him.  I hugged him tightly to me as well.

It was unexpected and the best feeling in the world. He held me to him tightly, arms winding around my back.  I felt myself being lifted off the ground for a small second too. He set me down and moved his hands to grasp my shoulders firmly, his face an inch from mine.

If I wasn’t shocked then, I was now. His eyes were full of fresh tears, breath coming in and out hard. He looked so broken. So damaged and desperate, begging me for something with his painful brown eyes.

I felt my mouth drop open, grasping for words but nothing came out. I was shaking. No, he was shaking, and I was in his grasp. He looked relieved but so hurt.

He leaned in closer when he finally parted his lips. “Thank God, you’re okay.” Breathing hard too, I stared at him and his sweet expression.  I was so thankful to see him and have him here with me. A few seconds later, it dawned on him what I did. His facial expression changed, and I knew what was coming. “You’re such a stupid bitch, Janice,” he said, voice cracking.  He didn’t sound mad; worked up and upset was more of what I was reading. His voice came out strained and tired. “God, you just…” He was breathing hard as he trailed off.  He shook his head and looked down for a long moment.  I was waiting for him to scream at me; I would have welcomed it. 

When his eyes found mine again, he looked a little angrier like I expected. I needed to say something.  “I—” I started trembling. “I’m not sorry for saving you. I’m sorry for everything else, though.  My god, I am so sorry,” I said with a torn voice.  And I truly was sorry and ashamed of myself.  I was sorry for being such an immature brat towards him.  I was sorry for that stupid idea.  I was sorry for not thinking and putting our lives at risk.

“I thought you drowned! Or were…” He pursed his lips, unable to bring himself to speak of an alternative outcome.  “How could you do that to me? You were willing to die over a few extra resources?!  Are you seriously that dumb?  Did you think about how I might feel about that?”

I swallowed back a lump in my throat.  Staring up at his wild look, I tried to answer him.  “I… don’t—” I broke off, feeling my heart suffocating. “I didn’t—”

“Christ, just shut up,” he whispered, cutting me off.  Pulling his mouth down to mine, he kissed me.  Kissed me in a way that threatened everything.  His hands slid around me, holding me to him again.  Moving his mouth over mine, he captured me, in more ways than one. His lips moved like he could never get enough of me like I was his air and this would be his last breath. His pace quickened, and I cursed myself for responding with as much want. Moving deeply with my lips, he moaned softly before pulling his sweet lips back.  Staring at me even more, an inch in front of my face, he spoke softly. “Don’t you understand what you did to me?”

He might as well have been speaking a different language. My lips burned from his as I tried hard to breathe steadily. He made no sense. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t understand. And you have no right to say that. Do you know what
you
did to me?” I pleaded.

He looked at me carefully, expression turning curious and desperate. “You said I broke your heart? I don’t see…?”

“How can—” I cut myself off and looked down, not sure how to say this to him.

I felt his hand inch to my chin and tilt my face up, making me look at him. “
Tell me
,” he emphasized. “Just… please.  Please, Janice.”  He was in so much pain, and it was plain on his face.  In his curious and hurt eyes especially.  It made me instantly dizzy.

“You… you torment me every day. I’ve wanted you, and it seemed like you wanted me. But then you repeatedly say you desire Jill and that you were using me.  Then what you said last night….”  I looked down, embarrassed.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed.  I didn’t even want to face what I said to him.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

I tensed up at his words, feeling his voice close and welcoming.  “I can’t right now,” I said, concentrating on the sand.

“Yes, you can.”  His hand reached up, warm fingers stroking my cheek.  The light touch was a colorful and inviting spell.

I sighed and searched for his eyes.  They were burning with tears and desire. I lifted my hands and placed them on both sides of his prickly cheeks.  I ran my thumbs over the cold tears he let escape earlier.  Watching his beautiful eyes swim with fear and vulnerability, I dropped my hands, knowing I was once again out of line.

However, the moment I dropped my hands, he cupped my cheek and gingerly pulled his lips down to mine. It ambushed me with so much at once, suffocating me.  His scent, touch, and presence wrapped around me in a soft caress.

His lips relaxed mine, making my own need rise. I caught his rhythm, moving into his embrace more. I had nothing more to lose, not even my mind. He wanted anything, then he could have it. I would give him anything. I didn’t care, just as long as I was here with him.

My hands slipped up his chest as I moved closer to him.  Cupping his warm neck, his hands came to rest on my hips.  He started to back up and drew me with him, holding me greedily.

Then, he fell back.  His foot caught one of the many logs laying on the beach. He pulled me with him as his back hit the ground, me over him.  We both groaned thanks to our sore bodies.  But I completely forgot about the long cut on his back and side. He yelped in pain much louder.  I instantly tried to move off of him, in worry and to maybe gain back control.  His grip on my hips remained firm, though.

“I’m not letting you go. Not again; never again.”  He pulled me slowly back down against him and kissed my lips softly.  I was falling under his words and how much I wanted him.

“No, please stop,” I choked out, breaking away from him. I couldn’t allow this pattern to continue.  It hurt too much. “I can’t take this.” 

He stopped and met my eyes. “I don’t want to stop. I’m finished pretending.”

“Pretending what?!” I asked in impatience and overwhelming need.

He gripped me harder, and his eyes changed.  They became more pleading than I have ever seen them. “I love you, Janice. I’m finished with pretending I don’t.”

When his lips cautiously returned to mine, I didn’t pull back again. I would never be able to with those impossible, confusing, and wonderful words.

Chapter 29

It seemed so impossible, so different to know he loved me. That knowledge was continuously ringing in my heart. My stomach jumped at the sight of him looking at me so openly now. But there were some cringes interrupting it as my hands worked on his cut. As it turns out, the cut was deeper than I thought.  It was still slightly bleeding. The sand and dirt that got in it didn’t help either.

We managed the painful walk back just before it got dark. Starting a fire back at the little lake, I had him sit as close as he could to the flames. After finding the shirt I had on yesterday and putting it on, I grabbed another article of clothing.  Soaking it in the water, I continuously ran it along the cut. It went from his shoulder, down his back, and then it curved around his side.  It stopped at the front of his hip.  Yeah, that sucker was long.

After finding out he truly meant those world-altering words, I was still in a stunned state. I knew he meant it because it radiated from his face directly to me in perfection. I couldn’t understand how or why he loved me.  It made no sense. If he loved me, what was all that nonsense with Jill?

That was what I was going to find out right now. I knelt behind him, my hand running up and down his long cut with my wet rag. His body was tense under my touch, more pain being applied to it from my contact. We were silent; all that was between us was the crackle of the fire. The awkward silence that usually somehow reached us was gone. It was just quiet, nothing more or less. Time to change that.

“Can you tell me why?” I asked. I let a note linger in my voice, hinting at what I meant.  He heard the double meaning because he tensed up more.

He took a deep breath and moved his hand behind him.  Taking my free hand, he held it in his at his side. “It will be a lot to take in.”  His voice wavered, and he looked nervous.

I smiled and squeezed his hand, encouraging him to go on. His hand in mine tingled.  I still couldn’t grasp what he told me earlier.  Or why for that matter.  That was what he was going to tell me now.  All that mattered was that he was telling me the truth. He sincerely meant it; he loved me. 

His eyes, his most precious feature, completely transformed. I thought I was always able to read him. Obviously, he kept things well hidden from me. It could also be my own fault I didn’t look hard enough into him.  Now that I thought back, all the signs were there. How far back did those signs go?

Turning half his body and head, letting me see his eyes and features while I was still able to clean his cut. His eyes, now glazed in warmth, penetrated mine. “It was… always you.” He ran his thumb up and down the back of my hand, the small movement making a larger one within my chest. “I became tired of pretending that I didn’t want you. After what happened, it got me thinking. If I actually lost you, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without you.”

Those words… I couldn’t make sense of them. They came out in a tangle to me.  “Mr. Rush—” I started.

His grip tightened, and he turned more, wincing.  He had to make sure I saw him and came closer to my face. “Don’t call me that again. No more sir. No more Mr. Rush.” He shook his head. “I can’t tell you how sick I am of you calling me that. It just reminds me of why this is wrong… why I shouldn’t be with you. I had to try to keep us further apart and allowing you to call me by my first name wouldn’t cut it. Now, though, I don’t want to hear you address me like that,” he said.

I smiled as my heart swelled. I always did want to know his first name. “What should I call you then?”

“Casey. That is my first name.” His lips turned up in the relief and reveal of his name to me. I could tell he was dying for me to know. He hated whenever I called him ‘sir,’ and now I understood why. He hated it even more when I called him like every other student should, ‘Mr. Rush.’ But that was exactly why he never told me his first name.  First names were titles preserved for people that were more than students.  I was happy he no longer cared despite his beliefs in right and wrong.

I smiled back as I heard it in my head. “Casey Rush.” I gripped his hand harder. It sounded right, those two names together to make one. I could see it despite how different and unexpected that name was.

“Now you need to get used to calling me that.”

I watched his glorious face as I continued to clean the sand from the fleshy gash. He said it like he really meant it. Like he was certain this would work, and I could call him by that name. “You are really serious, aren’t you? You want me.”

“Absolutely,” he stated, sounding confident. 

“But you used me. I shouldn’t forgive you. I have been used too much before.” That was why I couldn’t forgive him before. He was the last one I expected to betray me.

He shook his head, looking amused before his eyes turned begging. “I didn’t use you. I told you I kissed you those times because of my need for Jill, but it never had anything to do with her. It was an excuse. My need and want for you were what made me kiss you. You first predicted Jill was the reason so when you mentioned that, I ran with it. I said it because I needed to stay away from you.”

“Why?” I knew why but I wanted to hear it.

“It is wrong to want you. It goes against all I fought for.” He turned his whole body so he was now facing me, cringing from the small movement. His back to the fire and legs crossed, I let a moment pass without tending to his cut.  I knew these words were more important to both of us.

“What have you fought for?”

“To be perfect. You know that. You even saw it when you told me how different I am here away from Jill.” He leaned in closer. “Jill and I started dating three years ago. She was nice, fun, had a free spirit; always loved to do things. I didn’t know when it was she started to change. I didn’t even accept it until you brought it up later that she really was an awful person.”

He was about to go on but instead paused because all this was a lot to take in. I was sucking it all, though, very enticed.  These are things I’ve always wondered.  I nodded, urging him to go on.

“I was oblivious when I started changing who I was while with her. I thought nothing of it other than just growing up more.  I was already the kind of guy who wanted to be perfect. So I figured that her advice about changing my appearance would be a little bonus. As you pointed out, though, it was also myself and personality that changed. I thought I was improving this whole time.  Now, I realize I was making my life a wreck in wanting to please her.”

He took a deep breath, his face swimming in the firelight and the hovering shadows. Gripping my hand tighter, he went on. “That first day, when I first saw you walk into my class, I thought nothing more than you being a regular student. That changed later. I always thought of you as just a mature girl for your age.  Then one day, you walked through my door and had the most tormented look on your face.  Everything changed after that,” he said. “You used to do your work and respect me. That day, you seemed no longer present. Instead, I found a gloomy and smart-ass girl.”

I scowled at him, knowing I deserved it, though.  I was mean to him whenever I had the chance. I was like that with some of my teachers, but him the most. It might have been because he was the most attractive and fascinating teacher I had.

He took my chin in his hand after slipping it out of my palm.  Tilting my head up, he leaned closer, bringing himself to kneel before me despite it making him grunt in pain.  His eyes were fixed on mine. A bright smile lit his face.  “I saw there was more to it than that.  I saw a tortured soul acting out.  I gave you no sympathy over it either because I saw how strong you were. I tried my best to not stay curious, tried convincing myself that whatever it was, you could handle it. It drove me crazy when I noticed more about you.  You struggled to hold yourself up. You had a hard time getting through a simple day at school. Your mind was elsewhere, and you didn’t seem to care about anything.  Yet… you were so strong, and you knew it.  You had potential and never did anything with it, which really bothered me.  I paid more attention to you and saw someone beautiful.  Someone that was hiding behind sarcasm and a hard wall.  It was your way of staying strong.  It was your way of acting like you didn’t care about school when I knew you wanted to care.  That was when I started falling for you.  I saw the strength and fighting nature in you. I wanted to know why you changed like that.  As my curiosity grew, so did my attraction.”

He continued on while I sat before him and the fire, stunned beyond belief. My ears took in every word, absorbing it all. It was hard because it sounded so impossible.  I knew it was the truth, though.  “I became more amazed every day.  I knew you were hiding something huge, and it killed me. I wanted to know what it was, but I was selfish.  I did nothing about it because of how much I liked you.  If I learned what was going on, I knew it would make me want you more.  That’s why it was complete hell for me when I had access to your phone.  I knew that if I learned what was going on, I would have been drawn deeper.  I decided I had to, though.  I wanted to know and hopefully, help you, so I shoved away my stupid personal issues.”

It was so much to filter into my shocked mind.  I couldn’t believe he was so interested!  That he cared that much and was that curious before.  I guess I know now why he was always staring at me.  It was still hard to take in.  “You started falling for me that long ago?” I asked, eyes wide.  “And… that’s why you didn’t want to get involved?”

“Yeah,” he said somewhat shyly.  “I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.  I loved how strong you were.  I also loved the little glimpses I saw of how wonderful of a person you were.  Made me want to know you more.”

  The guy liking me at all was a shocker.  “You felt that way about me this whole time… And yet, I felt so unworthy of you. I wanted you more and more while knowing you belonged to Jill.”

He was such a good man, wanting me for that long and yet sticking to what he thought was right.  He held it all back because it was wrong in his eyes and he was with Jill.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he suffered just like I did. 

He must have seen the horrified look on my face.  He kissed my forehead, his sweet lips warm on my skin. He pulled back and looked down at me. “I wanted to tell you, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t be with you; that was as clear as how fake your mask was.  I’m your teacher, a legal adult while you are not, and a man that is engaged.  I can’t tell you how awful I felt about that.”

I pursed my lips. “I can imagine. You let guilt weigh on you like it’s nobody’s business.”  My goodness, he hurt and suffered more than I did! That was a lot to feel bad about.

“I felt awful. I wanted to run away, ashamed that I was falling for you while I was with Jill. You can’t grasp the guilt I felt. I hated myself and thought I was some perverted pig! It made me feel so weak. I wanted you, more than I wanted Jill.  Once I recognized that I was disgusted with myself.  I had to do something to try to change that.” He closed his eyes for a minute before opening them again, taking my face in. “So, I proposed to her.”

There was no processing that and moving on. It was so crazy and unbelievable!  My eyes widened, my entire body frozen and tense.  I needed to understand. “You… you… proposed.  Because you felt guilty for wanting… me more than you wanted her?”  I swallowed hard.  His hands still cupping my cheeks, he inched closer despite the pain I knew it brought him.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I thought that if I married her, I could fall harder for her than I did for you.  That maybe things would change between us.  I thought that if time went by and I was married to her, I would see I was foolish for wanting you.  If I were married, it would force me into a deeper commitment.”

It was hard knowing I had such a huge impact.  Hearing I was the reason he proposed to Jill… it was overwhelming.  My voice quivered. “Wow, that’s selfish,” I said to him.  “I cannot believe that you would do that.  You were using her just to force yourself away from me,” I scoffed, shaking my head.

He sighed. “I didn’t look at it that way.  I cared for Jill and did love her.  I convinced myself it was the right thing to do, for both of us. I didn’t realize I was hurting you. I didn’t know you had feelings for me.”

I searched his eyes.  “I did. I forced a lot of it out when we were in school. Then… we got stranded here.”  That changed countless things when that happened.

Nodding, he agreed with the last thing I said.  “I was sure this was some kind of punishment.  I was being tortured just as much but couldn’t hide from it here. Your presence built up against me on this island. It invaded every space I was able to close off from you. I saw that flash of attraction you had for me, and I can’t express how happy that made me feel,” he said, smiling softly.  “Jesus, my heart started to pound when I saw that.  To know you felt even just a percentage of what I felt for you made me feel so light. It also made it so much harder at the same time. After today, I realized it was pointless. Thinking you were dead, that you… were ripped to shreds or drowned, I couldn’t fight it when I saw you. I felt so hopeless and so scared, I realized how much I needed you.  I knew that even if we got rescued, I still couldn’t live without you. It was unbearable, those few hours today.  When I saw you were alive, oh God,” His breath brushed my skin as his face moved closer to mine. “I knew that I couldn’t give you up after that.”