It's Not Christmas Without You (The Holloway Series) (9 page)

Austin stood at the far end of the property and let the snow dance all around him. Big wet flakes stuck to his jacket and coated his hair as it piled around his feet. Still, he didn’t move. His focus centered on the sway of the trees and peaceful sounds of the thick woods.

It was noon on Christmas Eve but the puffy gray clouds shut out all the light until the day resembled early evening. He kicked the snow off his boots only to see it accumulate again. The weather folks predicted nine more inches by Christmas morning. Good thing he planned to stay right here, on his land and away from people, for days. Maybe months. And he didn’t rule out the possibility of years. He wouldn’t be the first old guy in Holloway fumbling around his house and talking to himself.

He’d been home two days without any word from Carrie. Not that he expected or deserved one, but he thought maybe the tree would at least get a thank you and maybe an agreement about how they could stay away from each other for the sake of the people they cared about.

He wasn’t interested in her friendship and didn’t think he could stand being near her and not touch her. But Mitch had been his best friend since high school. They played football together and worked every day in the same office. Engaging in open warfare with his sister could mean losing both of them, and Austin couldn’t stand that possibility.

The engine rattle of the old truck they kept for farm errands sounded behind him on the rock-and-mud trail. Not a surprise. Spence had said something about hunting him down after an hour. Since everything would soon be slick and impassable except by utility vehicles, it made sense the rescue party headed out. Spence sometimes took the big brother thing too seriously.

Not that Austin was looking for brotherly bonding. The icy wind fit his mood. Wrapped in a thick jacket, he felt nothing. He hadn’t experienced a single sensation since the morning he left Carrie. He functioned, brushed his teeth and walked around, but the dark emptiness inside him refused to go away.

The truck stopped a good ten feet behind him. Austin waited for the slam of a door and Spence’s yelling. The man had no idea how to coax and convince. He went right to threatening. Any other time Austin would appreciate the concern. Not now.

He turned around to wave Spence off. Then he saw her. Carrie, sitting in the front seat, leaning over the steering wheel and staring at him through the soft thwack of the windshield wipers.

He shook his head. When her image refused to leave his brain, he closed his eyes. Opening them again, he saw the door open and a woman’s boot slide out of the car.

She jumped into the snow from the high seat, wearing those tight jeans and the puffy jacket he loved so much. Something about the outfit reminded him of the easier times together on the farm, back before the rest of the world invaded.

“I’ve got a question for you.” She didn’t wait for him to talk. “What kind of a man makes love to a woman then leaves her the next morning without even saying goodbye?”

“I wrote you a note.” He said the words without thinking.

They made her snort. “That was a Christmas card, the kind of thing you’d send your great aunt or a business associate. Not the appropriate way to communicate with your girlfriend.”

His mind rejected the word. He still couldn’t believe she even stood in front of him. “My what?”

“I expect an apology.” She lifted her hand from where it was tucked in her back pocket and pointed at him. “And a good one. Not the ‘mistakes were made’ boy type. Like, down on your knees begging my forgiveness. Even then I plan to make you grovel a bit.”

None of this made sense. He’d finally set her free and yet she stood four feet away. “Why are you here?”

“Why do you think?”

He finally looked at her. Really looked. Behind all the bluster and the rosy cheeks, he saw wariness. Her usual spunk took a backseat to something else. The drawn face, the flat lips. He recognized the signs of a person who was barely existing because that’s all he had done since leaving her.

“If you had stuck around we could have talked this out.” She took two steps forward.

He fought the urge to keep space between them. “We’ve done that a million times. You said what you wanted and I finally listened.”

“Leave it to you to start paying attention at the wrong moment.”

Was she smiling?
“I don’t understand.”

“Obviously.”

She took that final step to eliminate the gap between them. This close he could reach out and touch her hair. He clenched his hands at his sides to keep that from happening.

“I told you I wanted to take the museum job because I didn’t want to end up like my mom, all disenchanted and full of regrets.”

That familiar pain throbbed in his chest. What he’d feared was a heart attack was really heart break. Seeing Carrie and reliving it all…he couldn’t take it.

“I can’t do this with you again. I admitted I messed up and now I’m trying to give you the space you asked for. You deserve at least that much.” He barely had the strength to talk. And seeing her there on his turf pushed the last hold on his control right to the brink.

When he would have preserved what little was left of his dignity and turned away, she put her hands on his chest. “You’re only half-right.”

“You lost me.” Hell, he could barely concentrate with her standing so close.

“When I gave you that explanation about Mom, I missed something very important about us.”

Between the layers of clothes and gloves, the weight of her hands pressed into him. “What?”

“While I was busy worrying about becoming my mom, something else was happening. Something just as strong and emotionally devastating. You were convinced I was becoming
your
mom.” Sadness filled her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it before now. I knew all about your past but I didn’t take a second to think it through and realize how you saw our relationship.”

He refused to be a victim of his past. His mother left and he moved on. His dad filled all the roles, made everything right. “I took my mother out of my life a long time ago.”

“But not out of your heart.” Carrie took her glove off and slowly unzipped his jacket just far enough to slip her hand inside. The warmth seeped right into his heart. “What she did to you shaped you. She hurt you and even now you pretend not to grieve.”

“I’m a grown man.”

“And you see me reaching for something and are convinced I’ll pick that dream over you and leave.”

“You did.” He wanted to call back the words as soon as they slid out.

“And it was the right decision but not the whole decision.”

As gently as possible, he touched her hand and pulled it away from him. The harsh rip of the zipper sounded through the woods as he dressed again, creating at least a symbolic barrier. “Okay, I have to go.”

“Listen to me.” Carrie laid her hands against his cheeks. The bare palms flat against his cold skin. “This time I’m the one fighting for us.”

That’s all he ever wanted, for her to care as much as he did. “Okay.”

“I brought you to that party because I needed you to see me as a whole person and understand the place my work has in my life.”

“I get it.” The truth had slammed into him like a body blow and he still hadn’t recovered from it.

“But you don’t see that there’s a place for everything. That the job is what I do, but you are part of who I am. The best part. I didn’t even realize I was bumping along, going from home to work and blocking out everything else, until you swooped into D.C. and found me.”

This time he let her see the need inside, let it seep out of him. “I was desperate to see you again.”

“I thought we were finally on the same wavelength and you ran.”

An unexpected rush of heat returned to his body, forcing him to defend his actions. “I didn’t run.”

“You left me, which is okay because it was your turn.”

“Meaning?”

“I left you several times, all for the right reasons, but still in the wrong way. I apologize because I now know how much it sucks.” She stretched up and rubbed her cheek against his. “I’m so sorry. Please know that even as I fought you I never stopped loving you and wanting us to find a way back to each other.”

He wanted to believe, to give life to the flicker of hope inside him, but she didn’t understand. He needed her to know he’d given her the room she begged for. “I didn’t leave D.C. to punish you. I was setting you free.”

“I don’t want to be free from you.”

His breath hiccupped in his lungs. “You don’t?”

“We can figure out the distance and keep two places.”

Hope burst to life inside him. “We’ll go back and forth. I can find some work in the D.C. area and you can come to Holloway on the weekends. I don’t even care if I do all of the commuting.” God, he just wanted a chance to prove to her they could make it work.

She nodded as she pulled his face closer. “It’s not perfect, but we’ll figure it out and come up with something long-term. I know we can. The logistics were never the issue. Respecting and trusting each other were. It took us until now to get there.”

Doubts crept in, pushing out everything else. He’d lived with them for years but never mentioned them. With the door open he had to drag them out and face them. “What happens when you want the job or a life in D.C. more? I want to lie and tell you I could become a city boy, but we both know that’s not me. For a short time, but not forever.”

“Listen to me.” She placed a soft kiss on his mouth. “I have loved you since I turned fifteen and I had a crush on my big brother’s best friend long before that.”

The words washed over him, drowning out every bad memory.

He wrapped his arms around her narrow waist and pulled her body in tight against his. “Good to know.”

“You’re the one I come home to, the reason I get up and keep moving. The museum is a job and I don’t plan to give it up because I’ve wanted it for so long and am actually good at it, which is a nice combination. But if I have to fight for something in my life, I pick you. I’ll fight for you.”

Relief and happiness soared through him. She smiled and all the darkness brightened. She brushed her finger over his lips and his insides jumped to life.

But she had to know he had some ground rules. If they were moving forward, they were doing it at warp speed. “I’m not doing the dating thing again. We’ve practiced long enough. If we’re making the commitment, we need to make it.”

“Are you proposing?” The way her eyes lit up suggested she was pretty thrilled by the idea. “You better not be, because I need a ring and a full apology first for your dumb decision to scamper away from D.C. like that.”

“Scamper?” A guy had to draw the line somewhere. That word seemed like a safe place to call a halt.

“I’m still waiting for the apology.”

Part of him wasn’t sorry. They needed the shock as a couple. If he hadn’t walked away they might still be going round and round and never moving, all those doubts festering.

Not that he was going to tell her that. “I should never have left you.”

She snorted. “Damn straight.”

He pressed his forehead against hers. “I was an idiot.”

“Yep.”

His fingers plowed into her hair as his lips traveled over the bridge of her nose to her cheeks. “I was devastated because I looked around and thought you didn’t need me.”

“Idiot.” There was no heat behind the word. Instead, her head fell to the side and her hand went to the back of his neck to pull him down for a hot kiss, this one longer with a touch more heat.

After what felt like forever, he pulled back and stared into those deep brown eyes. “But when I told you I’d love you forever, I meant it. Now and always. In West Virginia or Minnesota. I just need to know you’ll always come home to me.”

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes. “Oh, Austin.”

He couldn’t be derailed. He had to get it all out because once he stopped talking he’d find other things to do with his mouth. “And you need to promise that if you’re tempted to take your life somewhere else, you’ll give me the chance to come with you.”

“My home is wherever you are. Always. My heart begins and ends with you.”

He’d been dying to hear those words his whole adult life. To thank her for giving him everything, for loving him and trusting him, he treated her to another lingering kiss, this one filled with the promise of the loving to come.

After, he brought her hand to his mouth and kissed each finger. “I have another present for you.”

“The tree was pretty spectacular.”

“Are you kidding? Your inability to pick one off that damn lot was the only thing that gave me hope.”

She shrugged but her eyes sparkled with mischief. “I’m particular.”

“You were scoping me out.”

“Guilty. You do look hot in blue jeans.”

“I knew it.”

Without warning, she jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist. “Now tell me about this other gift.”

He caught her, only stumbling a second from the surprise launch. Then his arms came around her and the whole world tilted right again. “It’s a tiny box that I’ve had for months.”

Her eyes widened until they took up most of her face. “Let me see.”

“You can have it tomorrow. Christmas Day.” That was the perfect day to start building a new family. He’d propose then take her upstairs to celebrate.

She actually stuck out her lower lip. “I want it now.”

“I’ll make you a deal. You can have me now.”

She peeked around his shoulders. “The truck does have a big front seat. We could consider it a pre-holiday gift.”

As far as he was concerned, their future could start right now. “What are we waiting for?”