It's Not Christmas Without You (The Holloway Series) (5 page)

“I’ll be waiting.”

“Not tonight. Tomorrow, and I’ll bring you guys dinner.”

He held a hand to his chest. “You know the way to a man’s heart. Wait, you’re not cooking are you?”

“Funny. And I’m taking care of your stomach. You’re on your own with your heart.”

He watched her walk away and thought about how wrong she was.

This time Carrie came to the lot prepared for the cold weather and a duo of hungry men. She wore jeans and boots and her warmest scarf, the maroon one her mother had made for Christmas last year.

You could take a girl out of West Virginia but that didn’t mean she’d lose her mind and forget how to dress for snow.

As usual, the lot buzzed with endless activity, most of it female. Both Spence and Austin worked the crowd, showing off trees and tying the precious purchases to the roofs of cars. They collected money as if it didn’t matter, keeping all the focus on the clients.

Their dad had taught them that trick. She’d seen him do it a million times. Focus on the person in front of him as if there was no one else in the world.

Good thing she’d brought the thermos because this could be a long wait. She opened the shed door and heard the low rumble of voices. Not just voices, the familiar sound of football play-by-play.

“Leave it to Austin to find a rebroadcast of the West Virginia game on the radio.”

Shaking her head, she set the bag of plastic containers down on the makeshift office’s desk, along with the coffee and soup. She’d almost made it back out when Austin stepped inside, bringing a gust of frigid air with him.

“Only a true fan would have the repeat game on when he can’t be in the room to listen to it.” She leaned over and fiddled with the knob on the side.

“Hey, what are you doing there?”

“Turning it off?”

His eyes grew wide in mock horror. “Rebroadcast or not, touching that dial would be a criminal offense.”

“I’ll settle for turning it down.” And she did before he could yell about it. “Go Mountaineers.”

“Could use more enthusiasm since they lose this one to Pittsburgh, but better.” He blew on his gloved hands. “It’s going to snow.”

“You could always tell.”

“Not sure if it’s my innate ability to read the signs or the fact it started coming down a second ago.”

She leaned in and glanced out the big window that overlooked the lot. “Ah, brilliant.”

White flecks filled the near-black sky and landed on the tree branches. She inhaled and even through the walls could pick out the refreshing scent of pine, the same smell she associated with Holloway and hayrides and hours of racing around outside once the school cancellation announcement came across the crawl on the bottom of the television screen.

If she closed her eyes she could blink her way back to the wooded acres surrounding Austin’s house and relive the last winter she spent there. The nights so deadly quiet except for the soft rustle of branches and slick click of icy snow as it fell and piled in feet-high stacks.

Austin slid a thigh onto the desk and studied her. “What are you thinking about?”

“Why?”

“You’re smiling.”

The memory filled her with the same comfort as a cozy blanket on a cold night. “Trudging through the snow until I could barely lift my leg and was so tired I almost fell over. Impromptu snowball fights and the rumbling sound of the snow blower.”

“You’re kind of making me hot.”

She coughed out a laugh and kept going until she doubled over and her stomach ached. When she opened her eyes again, he was at her side with that soft expression of amusement on his sexy mouth.

He slipped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her body tight to his. “You okay there?”

“You make me smile.”

His hand tightened on her arm. “Good to know.”

“Everything about you tempts me.”

“Then I’ll stay quiet to keep from messing this moment up.”

She turned in his arms, settling in and resting her palms against his chest. “You know this isn’t about you or my feelings for you, right? It’s never been a matter of being unsure about those.”

He just stared at her.

She rested her forehead against his. “You can talk, you know.”

A long breath escaped his chest and blew across her cheek. She could feel every last inch of him tense under her fingertips.

“Gotta be honest. The break-up feels like it’s about me. I’m the one you left. That you keep leaving.”

The sadness in those blue eyes zapped her strength and left her weak and shaking. She searched for the right words to shift the blame back to her where it belonged.

Fancy explanations and big psychology words filled her brain. She pushed it all out and went with the simple truth. “I don’t want to be my mother.”

His eyes narrowed but his hands kept up their soothing brush against her back. “I don’t get it.”

“Mitch and I have known for a few years that we’re the reason she stayed in West Virginia, with my dad. In the family.”

“I still don’t—”

Carrie pressed a finger against Austin’s lips. “She wanted out. Still wants out.”

“Maybe you’re being hard on her? She may not be perfect but she’s a hell of a mom. Always there for you no matter what.”

With Austin’s fractured family background, having a mom who managed to hang around and stuck it out likely seemed damn near perfect. His life made her explanation even harder. “She’s there in body only.”

Austin, always so sure with his words, stumbled and stammered until he finally got a sentence out. “She can cook a meal for fifty people without blinking. She came to every event for you and Mitch, and stayed up for the end of every date when I brought you home like she was a member of the kissing police or something.”

“Baking and sewing, yeah, she taught herself all of it because her mother told her that’s what good wives did.” And Carrie’s mother had refused to pass on any of the kitchen wisdom. Whether on purpose or not wasn’t clear, but the list of supposed wifely virtues skipped right over Carrie.

Austin put a hand under her chin and lifted her gaze to his. “I’m lost.”

She fought to bring back the memory she’d worked so hard to trample and erase. “She wanted to be a journalist. To see the world. The job at that dinky penny saver is as close as she got to roaming in search of stories that mattered to her.”

“You’re making a leap from your mother’s college major and current hobby to a life of dissatisfaction.”

Carrie wished that were true. She’d give anything for Austin to be right…but he wasn’t. “I lived it. Saw how desperation and disappointment could eat away at a person until there was nothing left. No dreams or hope.”

The way her mom sat at one end of the dinner table and stared down to the other end with eyes filled with anger. A misplaced comment about how there was nothing left for her or a harsh joke about how Carrie’s father ruined everything. Jokes her father never joined in.

Her parents didn’t have an easy give-and-take or even a steady comfort. They laughed and smiled, but never while in the same room together. The separate beds and separate bedrooms amounted to more than a hint about their coexistence. They tolerated each other and nothing else.

“Did she tell you all of this?” Austin asked in a low voice as his thumb traced the outline of Carrie’s lower lip.

“She never planned to get married. She got pregnant. Mitch’s birth certificate gave that part and his real birthday away. The diary we found in the attic when we cleaned it out for her to make a sewing room told us the rest.” The words were burned on her brain until they blurred in front of her.

“Damn.”

“She settled on a life she didn’t want and has spent forever being bitter about it.”

“Have you asked her about the diary and what it means?” The doubt in his words came through. He all but shouted his denial.

“I don’t have to. I can see it in everything she does. She gave up her dreams and regrets her choices.”

Austin’s hands fell from her sides. “And we’re not just talking about her right now.”

Carrie’s heart thundered. She was surprised it didn’t pound right out of her chest. “No.”

“You’re afraid the same thing will happen to you.”

All the pressure and all those fears bubbled up to the surface. “I can’t look back twenty years from now and hate myself, and you, for not at least trying the life I’ve always wanted.”

Everything boiled down to those simple statements. Imagining a life where she hated Austin and their kids for all they stole from her? She couldn’t do it. Couldn’t risk it.

“Hey.” Spence stuck his head in the door. The red nose and cheeks either meant he’d reached ice-cube level or the fury inside him spiked his temperature.

From his severe frown, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. “Do you need something?”

“Sorry to break up the lovefest, but we have about a thousand people out here wanting trees.” Spence focused all of his intensity on Austin. “I think I spied a bus of gawking women waiting for a sighting of you, so let’s go.”

Austin didn’t look at his brother. “I need a second.”

Spence stepped inside and closed the door behind him, trapping them all in the small space. “You’re not getting me here, little brother. If you don’t get out here I am going to kill you. Probably with one of our Christmas trees.”

That time Austin broke eye contact with Carrie and turned to Spence. “We’ll be right out.”

“You’ll go now while I take two seconds to warm up.”

Before Austin blew up, she put a hand on his forearm and nodded. “We’re okay. Go.”

He grumbled something about wishing he was an only child and stomped out of the shed. He slammed the door on his way. As if they needed another sign of his anger.

“Grumpy, isn’t he?” Spence smiled as he dug into the bag she brought.

Amazing how all that outrage disappeared as soon as Spence found the food and Austin got pushed into the cold. Carrie shook her head in reluctant respect over Spence’s calculating plan. “That outrage thing was fake?”

“The threat and forcing him out of here? Yeah.” Spence held up the thermos and shook it. “Soup?”

“Chicken noodle.”

“Homemade?”

“Only if you want to be poisoned.”

“Still a fine chef, I see.”

She refused to spend one second feeling guilty. Finding pre-prepared dinners in the upscale grocery stores in town was not a hardship. “I can order with the best of them.”

Spence poured a cup and then blew on it. It took another few seconds for him to stop eyeing up the food and look at her again. “What?”

“Your brother is not happy with you.”

Spence’s eyebrow lifted. “Are we sure I’m the problem?”

“He didn’t threaten to kill me.”

“Actually, I did the threatening, but if you’re worried you go out there and help him.”

Realizing she wasn’t going to win this argument, or any Thomas argument for that matter, she pulled her gloves back on and headed for the door. She stopped right before she opened it. “May I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Where are you two staying while you’re in D.C.?”

“Spent one night in a total dive off New York Avenue and are lucky to still be alive. The rats had claimed the shower, so we went without.” Closing his eyes, he took a long and savoring drink of the soup. “Now we’re staying in the basement of a guy Austin knows from the Forest Service. He’s in the middle of a divorce and needs the cash.”

Sounded like more money Austin couldn’t afford to spend. “It’s an odd arrangement for grown men.”

“Austin will do anything for you.” Spence toasted her with the thermos cup. “Even if it means sharing a ratty old sofa bed with me. Way I look at it, you both owe me.”

Austin watched Carrie walk around the lot the next evening. The lights danced against her hair as she studied the branches and dodged the icy patches in the grass.

Unlike some other ladies looking at trees, Carrie wore her sturdy West Virginia weather gear and had her hands tucked into her jacket pockets. She had the unapproachable and uninterested thing down, but he knew the warmth blooming under all those layers. The blank expression didn’t fool him.

“This is the fifth day in a row she’s been here. I guess you are irresistible.” Spence looked Austin up and down then scoffed. “You hide it well.”

“She must not be sold on my charm either since she’s still fighting me so hard.”

“Did I miss something? Because when I walked in on you guys yesterday in the trailer you were all over each other.”

What Austin wouldn’t give to be over her, under her, next to her. He’d take any part of her at this point. Any sign that he had a shot and wasn’t wasting his time. “Hardly.”

“More action than I’m getting.”

Austin wasn’t touching that. He had more important things to worry about than his brother’s temporarily derailed sex life. “She’s afraid she’s going to end up like her mother, resenting her life because she didn’t go out and see the world.”

“Are you serious?”

“Unfortunately.”

“So, she’s picking the world over you. Interesting.” Spence covered his laugh with a fake cough.

“Happy you’re amused.”

“It’s all a bit New Age for my taste. City folks tend to make easy things difficult. I’m convinced they like the stress.”

Austin agreed. Tiptoeing around Carrie’s moods took a lot of energy. He found the whole game they were playing a nuisance, but a supportive boyfriend kept that kind of thing to himself if he ever wanted sex again. And he did.

“She just needs to experience some of what’s out here then she can come home,” he said.

“Do you know how condescending that sounds?”

“I’m telling the truth.”

Spence shook his head. “I see an idiotic plan in your future.”

“She’s seeing the world now. It’s just a matter of her realizing D.C. is not that much different from home and giving in.”

Austin replayed the comment in his head right after he said it. Even he had to admit the words sounded stupid all strung together like that. He’d all but been chest-pounding. Not his finest moment to be sure.

“Have you looked around?” Spence pointed around the lot, twice stopped on a blonde hovering near the office steps.

“What?”

“The woman.” Spence adjusted his aim. “Not that one. I mean Carrie.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s not just about the traffic and the tall buildings. This place is different. I’m betting that museum she works in is a step up from the crappy tourist gallery she worked at in Harper’s Ferry.”

All good points. Since he didn’t have a good response, Austin decided to ignore them.

Spence shook his head. “You’re still clueless.”

“I agree.” Carrie snuck up on them and shouldered her way between them.

Austin almost launched into a half apology, half explanation until he saw the smile on her face. Whatever she overheard hadn’t ticked her off. Got lucky for once. “You don’t even know what Spence is talking about.”

She handed her coffee cup to Spence after he stared at it without blinking for what felt like a half hour. Folding her hands in front of her, she smiled. “I heard the word
clueless
and assumed he meant you.”

Austin made a face and pretended to be offended, even though they all had enough experience with each other to know it would take a hell of a lot more than that. “That’s harsh.”

Spence took a sip then closed his eyes in a look of appreciation seldom reserved for caffeine. “I think she’s reading you about right.”

As far as Austin was concerned there was one person too many in this discussion. He pointed at the one who needed to leave. “Spence, go away.”

“Subtle.”

“I could have dumped the coffee on you instead.”

“I’m going to take this drink and see if the lovely lady over there needs my help.” With that Spence made a direct line for the woman with the low-cut shirt and a jacket better suited for a cruise ship than winter.

Carrie rolled her eyes while Spence dropped his best line. “Some things never change.”

Austin wished he could make that true. “You find the right Christmas tree yet?”

“Still looking.”

The stalling had to be a good sign. She’d stared at the same three trees for days. The process shouldn’t be that hard. You went out, picked a tree and dragged it home. Anything more bordered on obsession.

He hoped he was the real reason for her sudden lack of decision-making abilities.

“Carrie? Is that you?” A guy in his mid-thirties with a wide smile and strangely unmoving hair despite the wind appeared in front of them.

Austin hated the guy on sight. Hated everything. The shoes, the key ring he kept spinning on his finger. Everything.

“Shawn.” A smile replaced the shock on Carrie’s face. “What are you doing here?”

“My sister lives nearby and was raving about this lot.” He took her hand and didn’t seem all that inclined to let go.

Austin’s fingers inched toward his pocket knife.

“I bet.” She waved her arm. “Apparently all the women love this lot.”

“And you?” the guy asked.

“I live right there.” Carrie finally broke off the touching with the guy and pointed at her building.

Little did he know how close he came to getting that hair messed up, along with a few other body parts.

Austin stopped plotting his attack and held out his hand. “And I’m her boyfriend.”

She rolled her eyes. “Ex.”

“That’s up for debate.”

“Austin is a friend from my hometown.”

Carrie rushed in with that explanation a little too quickly for Austin’s liking. “Really? That’s what you’re calling me?”

This Shawn guy ignored the conversation and pretended Austin wasn’t even there. “It’s nice to see you outside of work. I didn’t know you even owned blue jeans. I’ve only ever seen you in a skirt.”

Austin decided right then there was something wrong with the men in this town. That line? Jesus.

He folded his arms over his chest and leaned against Carrie. “That is some amazing flirting right there.”

“Austin, stop.”

Shawn finally focused on the other man in the conversation. “Excuse me?”

Carrie put her hand on Austin’s arm…and pinched. “He’s being difficult.”

“For any specific reason?” Shawn asked.

“It’s his personality.”

When she almost drew blood, Austin pulled his arm out of her grasp. “Some women find me charming.”

She frowned at him. “Not at the moment.”

Shawn’s gaze traveled between them before settling on Carrie. “Want to help me look for a tree?”

“I don’t think that’s good idea.”

“Go ahead. Don’t let me stop you.” This could work. Good ole Shawn might be just the person Austin needed to shake up Carrie.

She wanted to live a little. Fine. She could do it with Austin right there beside her. Let her look at the guy with the curly blond hair and the all-over Art Garfunkel look and do an up-close-and-personal comparison.

Her eyes narrowed to you-are-so-dead territory. “What are you up to?”

Shawn’s mouth fell open. It moved a few times before any words came out. “Is there a problem here?”

“Depends.” Austin shifted his weight until most of his body was in front of hers. “Are you looking for a date?”

Poor Shawn blinked about fifty times. “With you?”

Now there was a misfire.
“With Carrie here.”

She tugged on Austin’s arm until he faced her. “What are you doing?”

“I’ll be there, too.”

“When?”

“With you two.” It was as if she didn’t know him at all. As if he’d actually set her up with some other dude. No fucking way.

She started tapping her foot and that was never a good sign. “Then how is that a date?”

“Consider it a get-to-know-you thing.”

“I know you just fine already.” She leaned in, putting her mouth right next to his ear. “And, for the record, you’re hovering on that stalker line.”

He viewed this as a practical way to prove a point. “Really?”

“If I say yes, will you stop?”

Shawn stuck his head between them. “Do you two need to talk alone for a second?”

“Friday, tomorrow, at that Italian place around the corner.” Austin almost choked on the words, but in his brain he knew this was right. “You and Carrie.”

Shawn’s smile grew until his face resembled a perfect target. “That sounds great.”

“I didn’t say yes,” she reminded them.

“Technically, he didn’t ask anything. I did it for him.” Austin cuffed Shawn on the shoulder, not as hard as he wanted to but harder than he needed to. “You have to step up there, man.”

“I’m, ah, not even sure what’s happening.”

Austin felt a little bad about the other guy’s sudden stutter. He gave off the put-together vibe and in less than five minutes had fallen apart.

“We’re having dinner with Carrie. Tomorrow at seven.” Austin glanced at his watch but had no idea why.

The smile on Shawn’s face lit up his eyes. Then his face froze. “Wait. Did you say we?”

She nodded. “Believe it or not he did.”

Austin took Shawn’s shock as a good sign the plan might work. “Yes.”

Shawn coughed twice before he spit any words out. “I thought you meant me and Carrie.”

Wrong answer.
Austin debated whether to let the guy live long enough to have dinner. “That’s not going to happen.”

Carrie sighed. “Anyone want to ask me?”

Austin shot Shawn a man-to-man look. “She’s just nervous. Hasn’t dated in a while.”

“I’m getting a headache,” she mumbled.

“You’re supposed to say that at the end of the date to get rid of Shawn here.”

“Austin, stop.” Her voice echoed across the lot. More than a few patrons glanced over to see what was happening.

Shawn didn’t wait around for the plans to fall apart. “Maybe I should go. I can call you tomorrow.”

Austin wanted to let Shawn leave but the comment begged for another question. “Don’t you two work together?”

“She’s at a conference out of the office tomorrow,” Shawn explained.

Austin already lost interest in the explanation. He’d planted the seed, so as far as he was concerned Shawn could leave now. “Sounds like a waste of a day.”

“Not at all. It’s about the foreign market for lithographs and—”

Looked like the guy was hunkering down for a painful art lesson of some sort. The hands and mouth were moving, so Austin cut him off before his head exploded. “You already lost me.”

Shawn stopped moving around. “I didn’t really say anything yet.”

“He means he’s bored.” Carrie didn’t smile but Austin could hear it in her voice.

“Who doesn’t like art?” Shawn asked as if the idea was un-American.

She hitched her thumb in Austin’s direction. “Him.”

He nodded. “Me.”

Shawn’s hands started flying through the air again. “But civilizations use—”

Austin shook his head and felt a kick of satisfaction when the motion alone stopped Shawn from saying anything else. “Nope. Still don’t want the lecture. Save that for the big date.”

“Right. See you tomorrow, Carrie.” Shawn’s smile faded when he faced Austin. “Nice meeting you.”

The guy was off. He waited for the light before crossing the empty street, but he never looked back.

So much for Shawn coming to this part of town for a tree.

“I don’t think he meant that about it being nice to meet me,” Austin said.

Carrie stared after her friend, or whatever the hell he was. “Is there a reason you’re acting like my pimp?”

Austin knew he should wince at that comment but he ignored it instead. Seemed safer. “You wanted to experience life before you came back to Holloway.”

“When did I say that?”

“I’m helping.”

She tapped his forehead. “You’re insane.”

“Not the first time you’ve accused me of that.”

“You do realize you just set me up on a date with another man.”

The words made Austin’s back teeth slam together. He thought of the whole thing as an experiment. Tagging it as a real date would make Austin the biggest idiot in town. For now, he wasn’t ready to wear that honor. “You’re forgetting I’ll be there.”

She snorted. “How in the world could I forget that?”

“Shawn is not your type.”

“What are you talking about? We work together and have the same interests. Shawn is nice and hasn’t shown a serial killer side so far.”

If Mitch knew her low-level dating criteria he’d probably hide her in a shed in Holloway until she turned sixty. “Is that your only test for seeing someone?”

“I’m saying on paper Shawn is perfect for me.”

Since she almost yawned when she said it, Austin knew she didn’t believe her theory any more than he did. “In real life he comes off as a douche. And he’s got that springy hair thing going on.”

“Care to tell me why?”

“I guess he was born with the hair. Hate to think he did something to make it look like that on purpose.”

She talked right over Austin. “I mean, why are you doing all of this?”

He debated telling her the truth and gave in. He’d waited so long. All he wanted was her home by Christmas. Then they could make plans for next year. “You need a guy who challenges you. Who you can’t push around. Sitting there, with the two of us, you’ll see that you’d walk all over that guy.”

“It sounds like you just called me a bitch without actually saying the word.”

Austin kept his mouth flat as he held up his hands. “Whoa.”

“This is dangerous. You don’t know what could happen. Maybe I’ll fall for him instead of you.”

“Unlikely.”

“You’re so confident?”

He was until she used his ego for toilet paper. “I know you.”

“If this works out with Shawn you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”

Now she was just messing with him. Austin shoved the Carrie-plus-Shawn possibility out of his head as fast as it came in. “Answer one question. Does the idea of that guy kissing you make your heart beat like crazy?”