J Roars (4 page)

******

I returned to Missouri, and somehow Elle seemed worse. I didn't know what happened to her. All my sources came up empty. No one saw anything that would indicate why she was falling apart every night. I noticed she was going to the Center more often, and out with Chris less often, to the point it seemed she was spending most nights alone. As well, the constant parade of people at her house had stopped, mostly. Chris and Aaron still came around, Chris frequently, and Larry made the occasional appearance. What was most disturbing? Fucking José was there almost as much as Chris, like he'd taken Larry's job of trying to steal Elle from me. And I'm secure in my manhood enough to say that José was more attractive than Larry and might have an actual chance with my Elle. Fuck that.

We only had
three days in town to get with the brothers who would be handling Burns.  Three days to get everyone on the same page and ready to go to war. I tried to keep my game face on the first day, meeting at Bill's in the garage behind the bar. It was packed with brothers, all having left their bikes at home and coming to Bill's in two Suburbans instead. We had over twenty brothers when I patched in under Ratchet's presidency. Burns' MM was down to twelve, six of which sat in front of me. Counting Dig, Son, and me, that made nine. That left three brothers, plus Nick and Burns himself.

We hope
d the other three brothers would come around when the shipment of drugs didn't show up, and the six men in front of me took out Burns and his brother. It was a crapshoot as only one had a family to worry about, making him more likely to side with us. He was a wild card, though, as his loyalties had faltered before. Not to mention he was earning more money with Burns than he ever did with Ratchet. He was able to provide a certain kind of life for his family now that he wasn't before Ratchet's murder. The other two brothers didn't have anyone but themselves and the money they make. The chances of them going back to a clean MC were slim to none.

Dig rehashe
d the plan I'd heard so many times now. Once Burns realizes there are no drugs, he will try to contact his Zetas supplier. The six brothers in front of me were instructed to call Dig on the burner once that happened. Son had set us up with two untraceable phones that he programmed to bounce off so many satellites, it'll be impossible for any of Burns' hackers to locate.

"We know you want him, J, but if necessary, we'll take Burns out. You understand, right? It's not about you, or denying you vengeance. It's about MM, and being a real brotherhood again." Fret
was the oldest of the six in front of me. Slightly older than Dig, closer to Ratchet's generation, one of the only old-timers to stay on after Burns took over. This life was all he knew, and I think he always planned to take Burns out one way or another. I knew him and Dig had talked about and formulated a variety of plans over the years. Now they were finally getting to put one into play. He deserved revenge as much, if not more than me, so I conceded to let him have Burns if necessary, and it would more than likely be the way the cards would fall.

"I know. I appreciate you humoring me with the idea that I'd be the one to put the bullet between his eyes. If I can still do it, you know I want nothing more, but if you gotta be the one to pull the trigger, well
, I'll expect a play by play when I return." I tried to say this with a hint of bemusement in my voice. I think Fret knew I wanted it, but also that we had to play this plan out the smartest way possible, even if that meant I didn't get to be the one that put Burns in his grave.

"Now," Dig
began to finish up the meeting, "J, Son, and I are headed back to San Antonio and then Mexico. Day after tomorrow, we leave, but know that we are right beside you all. We appreciate you putting your lives at risk for the club, and hope to see you all on the other side."

"Dig, you made this happen, so don't worry about us. We'll hold down the fort, while you two hide out at the ranch." If he only knew how far from a ranch Monterrey was.

"Appreciate the words, Fret, and you know we'd love to be next to you, but the three of us have compromised our positions, and now we need ya'll to hang in there and see this through with us. My hope is to have the REAL MM back before the leaves fall. If anyone wants to back out, you can. If you side with Burns, you'll force our hand, but if you decide MM isn't for you anymore, no hard feelings."

A collective
fuck that
was heard around the makeshift table Bill set up for us. Dig, the unofficial president of this endeavor, pounded his fist on the table, and the meeting officially adjourned. The six brothers who came in Suburbans left, and Dig and Son headed outside to see them off. I chose to hang back, clearing the beer bottles for Bill and getting ready to settle into the cot in the corner.

When
Dig came back, we drank well into the night, sharing stories from the past, him sharing ones from before my time with MM. I think he sensed the uncertainty in me, about Elle, MM, and life after Burns. These stories were his attempt to keep me in the fold. In his own way, Dig cared about me as much as Son, his flesh and blood. His flesh and blood who was under strict orders to stay with us at Bill's for the night, but talked Dig into letting him get some stealth pussy before we left. If anyone could stealth fuck, it'd be Son.

Dig and I w
oke up the next morning, having passed out on the cots in the corner, compliments of one of the brother's Army days. Son was asleep on the ground, obviously not staying the night with whoever he chose to fuck the night before. We took turns using Bill's industrial kitchen sink to clean up, and did one last run through of the plan to leave Missouri. Dig and Son were going to meet up with Son's mother just outside Little Rock, Arkansas where he'd stashed her until this as all over. Even though her and Dig never got together officially, we all knew he had strong feelings for his child's mother. She loved him, but not the life or the fact her only son was going to be part of the same life that claimed his father. Despite this, they stayed together in their own odd way, and Dig made sure she was clear of Missouri and MM when we set the wheels of this plan in motion.

As much as I want
ed to go to my house, I knew it wasn't safe. I'd meet up with Dig in Little Rock the next day and we'd head back to San Antonio. With nothing to do after they left, I decided to try and get a little more sleep, sober sleep. I finally woke as the sun was setting, feeling better than when I laid my head down. I snuck into Bill's kitchen for a bit to eat. Not feeling up to listening to his stories, I decided to take it back to the garage. It was a shitty abode, but I needed some time alone. My head wasn't pounding with pain, but it was overflowing with thoughts that I needed to get under control.

I
found myself lying on my cot, just letting time pass me by. Scrolling through some pics on a phone I'd disconnected, I reminisced. The phone was nothing more than a shell, no longer having service, but it had pictures Elle and I took one night. I'd looked at them a million times over the past few weeks, torturing myself but unable to resist seeing her smile, her golden eyes, and that fucking mane of hair I wanted to dig my fingers into. Obviously, I was not successfully clearing my head.

I stared
at one of her I took while she was sleeping. Creeper? Fuck yeah. Did I care? Fuck no. She's beautiful.

H
er hair was spread out in a mass across the pillow, stray curls falling over her bare back. I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd killed someone, and for some reason felt extra dirty when I got to her place. I showered and scrubbed my skin until it was raw, hoping to wipe any traces of the monster off me before I got into bed with Elle. Each kill had become harder and harder to not feel the deeper I got with her. I crawled into bed next to her, wrapping my body around her sleeping form, trying to soak up some of that light.

As if sensing my need, a need that went far deeper than physical, Elle woke and clutched onto me, pressing her body and her light against me. We didn't fuck, we made love—slow, intense, soul shattering love. I'd woken early in the morning, the first rays of sun peeking through the window. The
light danced across her creamy skin. I wanted to run my hands through her soft hair, let my hands explore the curve of her back, her hip, her shoulder, basically every inch of her skin. She talked in her sleep that night, though, letting me know it was a fitful sleep. I didn't want to wake her knowing she'd only fallen into calm sleep mere hours ago, but I couldn't resist taking a picture of her bare skin, the sheet pulled down so her back and the curve of her ass showed. It was erotic in its simplicity. She'd finally stopped mumbling and jerking, finding peace in sleep. So instead of waking her to feed the beast that wanted to be inside of her again, I let her sleep—but I took a picture. I couldn't resist.

It was this photo I was staring at, had been staring at, when a text from an unknown number came in.

She's at the aquarium with a bottle of Cuervo.

Fuck. That was code. Elle was with José at Aquario? What the fuck was she doing in brown town? Despite the fact that I knew I was taking a huge risk, I hopped on my bike. I told myself I was just going for a ride to clear my head, but
knew that was bullshit. I knew it was bullshit AND dangerous. I knew leaving Bill's, riding around Missouri on my bike, and heading to brown town did nothing but put Elle in danger. I knew this, yet I still found myself pulling up to Aquario.

I slipped in the back door, having been there enough times with Ernesto for the staff to not question me. I hovered by the Employee Only door, bar backs run
ning back and forth with arms full of beer, liquor, ice, or a combo of all those. The door was directly across from the bar, and despite wanting to bust in there with guns blazing, I hung back eyeing it up. I waited behind the door, thinking I'd just stay for a moment, collect myself, figure out what the fuck I was doing.

All thoughts of self preservation left when a bartender came barreling through, shoving the door open, and jogging to the beer cooler to restock. As the door swung shut, I caught a
glimpse of Elle and my heart ceased to beat. She was sitting at the bar with José, sipping liquor, laughing, and clutching his finger. They were having a good time it seemed, or at least it did at first. They were talking about something when I saw a shadow pass her eyes. For a moment, I saw the pain in her eyes that mirrored my own. I forgot who she was with and closed my eyes, unable to look at her, to see the light so dim in her eyes.

I missed her. God, I fucking missed her so much. The night at her apartment had been
tragic, bittersweet, and not nearly enough. I wanted her, with every part of my being, I wanted her. Not just to fuck, but to love, to hold, to fucking cherish. Shit, I think I was quoting song lines in my head or something. That's how great the equal parts pain and need flowing through me were. When I opened my eyes again, unsure how much time had passed while I shattered apart and then pieced myself back together, they were gone. Elle was no longer at the bar, nor was José. Panic.

I shoved th
rough the door, hovering just outside of it. Scanning the place, my eyes landed on Elle, back pressed to José's front, hips grinding against him, arms around his neck. If I'd shattered seeing her at the bar with him, I melted into a pool of self-pity seeing him touching her. The look in her eyes was one I knew well. She was lost in another place, letting the dance floor be her means of escape. Only instead of escaping alone like usual, she was taking José with her?

Retreating back into the hallway, I sunk to the floor, my head between my legs. Fuck. Had I lost her? Had I missed my chance? Did she decide not to wait for me? In my absence, had José filled the void I couldn't?

No. There was no way Elle could have what we had with José. Could she? Fuck. If she was going to get with some other guy, did it have to be him of all people? Had he pushed his way into her pants, or did she invite him? Fuck. Anger took over and I pushed up off the floor, busting through the door, I expected to find Elle still on the dance floor, instead I found José at the bar nursing a beer alone. As soon as I came through the door, he saw me, and like lightning, came barreling towards me, fists in the air. I was ready, though, and he was barely in the hallway before I landed one on his face.

"You take other guy's women when they aren't around. Is that your play, mother fucker?"
I screamed, watching his cheek start to swell.

"Fuck you. She ran off, scared and damaged because of you."

He took a swing at me, but I ducked and got another punch to his side in. He stood up quickly, my eyes were so clouded with rage I missed him cocking his arm back. He laid into my face, and I felt the blood begin to seep out of my nose. We were feral beasts fighting over a mate, only she was mine, and I was already prepared to die fighting for her. Whether it was José, Burns, or a drug cartel was irrelevant to me.

"She'd be safe with me. You know it. She wouldn't be the mess she is if you hadn't broke her. Do you have any idea what she's been like since you fucking shot her? Do you? She cries almost every night, and who's here to console her? You?"

I put my hands down. Did I break her? She'd been in bad shape when I'd been to her apartment before leaving for Texas, but Elle was strong, she wasn't easily broken. Was she?

"I can see it in your eyes. You're thinking about it. You know I'm the better man for her
, that I'd keep her safe, but are you man enough to let her go?"