Jessie (36 page)

“Did you anticipate that question?”

“Oh, yes,” Jessie said, a small hint of laughter in her voice.

“How?”

“I just know my daughters, and I knew it would come up.”

“What did you mean by your answer?”

“Just what I said,” Jessie spoke the words from the sofa she'd sat on. Seth took a chair, debating his next question. The couple looked at each other for long moments.

“Do we know what we're doing?” Seth had to ask.

Jessie did not immediately answer. When she did her voice was thoughtful. “I think with the girls we do but not with each other.”

Seth nodded his head in agreement before asking, “You don't always know what to do with me, do you?”

Jessie looked surprised but admitted that she didn't.

“I think at times I'm still angry with you.”

“And trust comes hard after what I've done.”

“I don't plan to hold that against you forever,” Jessie said, frowning a little and not looking at him.

“Might you want a relationship with me again, or do you know right now that you never will?”

“What made you ask that?”

“I can't always read the situation. Sometimes it seems like you might be giving me a chance, and other times you keep me away.”

“What do you want?” Jessie asked, not willing to admit how confused her thinking was these days.

“I wish I'd never left,” Seth admitted quietly, his eyes holding hers.

Jessie had all she could do to keep her mouth shut. Why in all of their conversations had this not occurred to her? She scrambled for something to say and only one thing came to mind.

“What about this thing you have with God? I thought you'd be glad of that.”

“I am glad of that, but I believe that God would have found me in Token Creek,” Seth said, successfully hiding his surprise that she would even ask. “My conversion might not have looked the same way, but not for a moment am I glad that I left you and the girls the way I did.”

Jessie had nothing to say. In her heart she knew this, but the truth of it had not really sunk in. Without warning she knew why she had never entertained these thoughts. It softened her toward her husband. It made her more forgiving and willing to allow him in. When this happened the fear always followed, the fear that as soon as she let him get close, he would crush her again.

“Are you all right?” Seth asked, having watched her struggle.

“Yes,” Jessie answered too swiftly, and Seth knew the conversation was over. He had no idea what he'd said or what she'd realized, but a wall had appeared between them. Seth reached for the newspaper, but he didn't see many of the words. He prayed for Jessie, and he prayed for himself. He knew only God could fix his marriage.

“Is something wrong?” Jessie asked, finding Seth at the rear of the storeroom. He'd headed into that room as soon as the girls left and had been there quite a while. When she checked on him, she found him just standing and looking out the window.

“No,” Seth said without turning. “I'm just looking at these lots out here.”

Not able to help herself, Jessie joined him. Seth spoke as soon as she did.

“This would be a great place for a house.”

Jessie turned her head to look up at him, but Seth didn't look at her. His eyes scanned the lots outside and the placement of the other houses, his mind planning and thinking. Not for a few more seconds did he look at her.

“Don't you think?”

Jessie looked out the window again, wondering what he was seeing. The lots were convenient to the store; that was certainly true. The girls sometimes even played out there. She was about to speculate aloud as to who might own them when they both heard someone come in the front.

“I'll get that,” Seth said congenially and headed that way.

Jessie turned to watch him leave, wondering what she had just been witnessing.

“I'm going to be out tonight,” Jessie told Seth before the girls got home from school a few days later. “I'm going to see Jeb and Patience, but if the girls know, they'll not understand why they can't come.”

“Are Jeb and Patience planning on your visiting tonight?”

“No, I'm just dropping in.”

“Why not go now before the girls get here?”

Jessie stared at him. Not be here when the girls arrived home? Could she do that? But he was right. It would make things easier.

On Seth's part, he wanted to ask Jessie why she let the girls have so much control over her actions. Having to sneak off to the Dorns' so they wouldn't want to come was ridiculous to him. He felt she needed to tell her daughters exactly where she was going and then expect them to be perfectly content with not always accompanying her.

“If I do that, what will you tell them?” Jessie asked next.

“That you've gone to visit the Dorns,” Seth said simply.

“Good luck with that.”

“Jessie,” Seth began, his voice not harsh, “I think their expectations need to change. They can't expect to do everything you do and know everything you know. They need to be more thankful for what they have.”

“You make them sound impossible,” Jessie said, her face showing she wasn't happy with him.

“That was not my intent.”

Jessie blinked, not expecting this, but still said, “What was your intent?”

“That they not run your life. And also that they see themselves as the children they are, which sometimes means they don't know everything and they don't get to go all the places their parents go.”

Jessie thought if she had one more revelation in her life, she would scream, but he was right. Most of the time she did treat them like equal adults, and in turn they acted that way.

“Let me know if you want me to watch things while you're gone or stay with the girls tonight,” Seth said as he moved away.

Jessie watched him a moment and then glanced at the clock. She would go see Jeb and Patience now, at least see if they were home, and when she arrived back… The thought came to a halt in her mind. When she arrived back, the girls would be unhappy with her for not waiting for them.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, Jessie told Seth she was leaving. She would deal with the maelstrom when it happened.

Jeanette stared at Heather after Nate left, wondering if her friend knew how much Token Creek's sheriff cared. The shop proprietress had just watched the two of them talk, and Jeanette knew that she had just witnessed a man in love. She thought Heather might be on her way there as well, but also that it was all new to her.

“Are you all right?” Heather asked.

“Oh,” Jeanette said, not sure what she was supposed to be doing. “Yes, I'm fine.”

“You looked a little upset.”

“No, just thinking. Do you enjoy it when Nate visits?”

Heather's smile was softer than usual. “I do enjoy it, very much.”

Jeanette smiled at her.

“What are you thinking about?” Heather said, seeing the sparkle in her friend's eye.

“You and Nate. I'm wondering if there's going to be a wedding.”

All Heather's euphoria evaporated; she looked worried. She said in a quiet voice, “Jeanette, I don't know if Nate wants to be married again. He doesn't say things like that, and I would never want to pressure him.”

“Nate was married before?”

“Yes, many years ago. He's a widower.”

“I'm sorry to hear that, Heather. Do you feel that he hasn't gotten over his first wife?”

“No, I don't think that's it, but I don't like to presume anything either.”

Once again Jeanette was reminded of how inexperienced Heather was. The man who had just visited the shop was not there out of casual feelings. Jeanette would be amazed if Nate hadn't already considered marriage to Heather. In Jeanette's mind, if he hadn't talked about it, it was probably because he wasn't sure of Heather's feelings, not because he doubted his own.

“If he did wish to marry,” Jeanette tried this time, “would you consider it, Heather?

“I think so. I can't imagine that happening, so it's a little hard.”

Jeanette was ready to ask exactly what she meant by that, but Ingrid Stillwell chose that moment to come into the shop. She was looking to buy only thread, but as it worked out, the women were not alone for more than a few minutes the rest of the afternoon.

“Your mother's beliefs?” Patience questioned Jessie when the two were comfortable in the living room. Jeb was not home just then, but Patience expected him back soon.

“Yes. Do you remember if she believed differently from my father?”

“About God or other things, Jessie?”

Jessie wanted to know about her mother's belief, or lack of it, in God, but she couldn't ignore this question and asked, “What else are you thinking of?”

“I thought you might have been referring to the way your father ran the store or raised you.”

Jessie thought about this a moment and suddenly realized why Patience would need clarification. Her parents had argued on nearly every issue from the running of the store to the way she was handled, just to name two.

“Jessie?” Patience said, wondering if she'd misspoken.

“I'm just thinking. I'm sorry.”

“It's all right. Why don't you tell me what's going on?”

“I don't know,” Jessie admitted, knowing that coming here was not normal, not like this. “Maybe I just needed to get out of the store for a time.”

“Are you and Seth having trouble?”

Jessie's laugh was mirthless before saying, “That's just it. He's kind and attentive and treats the girls and me very well.”

“And you expected different?”

“Yes. He doesn't say a word about the way I run the store or try to change a thing. He goes along with nearly everything I say.”

“And that means what?”

“That he's changed.”

Patience looked into the younger woman's face and saw many things, but mostly fatigue. She waited for Jessie to speak again, but she just sat there. Patience prayed and debated what to do, but before she could decide, Jessie's head was nodding. When the mercantile owner dropped off to sleep, Patience moved to the door that Jeb would enter. She wanted to catch him before he made too much noise. It seemed that Jessie needed answers, but she also needed sleep.