Journey of the Heart (31 page)

When Gabe felt that soft pressure against him, he finally came to his senses. He pulled back and said: “Cait, I should never have let things get this out of hand.” My God, here he was, ready to mount her as though she were just anyone and not the one he loved. Not to mention Michael Burke’s daughter. He turned away and tried to get himself back into his pants, but they were so wet he couldn’t button them, so he gave up and just pulled his shirt back on.

She lay there, looking so disappointed that he almost laughed out loud. She was a passionate woman, though what good that would do him, he didn’t know. Here she was, looking up at him wistfully, as if to say “Why did you stop, Gabe?” rather than being outraged that he’d even begun.

He got up and found the shirt he’d sent her in for. “Here, you’d best put this on before I lose control all over again.”

“I wish you would,” she whispered as she sat up and slipped her arms into the soft cotton.

“I know, though I can’t understand why! Here you are, raised like a lady and about to lose your virginity in a tack room.”

He hadn’t meant it as a criticism of her, but Cait heard it as a comment on her shameful behavior. Obviously it was all right for him to kiss her passionately and stroke her breasts, but she should have protested and pushed him away. Instead, and she blushed almost purple as she remembered it, she had actually kissed him back as passionately and caressed a part of him she probably was supposed to pretend she didn’t know about! She felt utterly humiliated.

“I am not sure what came over me, Mr. Hart,” she responded in what she hoped was a dignified manner. “Perhaps it was the storm. It won’t happen again, I promise you.”

“It can’t,” said Gabe vehemently. “I can’t repay your parents’ kindness to me by seducing their daughter! And I can’t marry you,” he added.

Cait didn’t know what she’d been thinking, beyond wanting the incredible pleasure his kisses and caresses had brought her never to end. She certainly hadn’t been thinking of marriage. She’d just made one mistake in that direction, thinking she loved a man who could not answer her passion. She didn’t want to make another mistake so soon after, thinking she loved a man because he could respond to her. Surely she didn’t love Gabe Hart, nor want to be married to him, she told herself. Especially, she thought, her heart sinking, when he said he couldn’t marry her. She supposed that meant that he didn’t love her either.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Hart, marriage to you is the last thing I’d be thinking of.” She stood up and with as much dignity as she could muster under the circumstances, said: “It sounds like the storm is over. I’d best get inside and change my clothes. You might want to do the same, Mr. Hart,” she added and walked out of the room without looking back.

Gabe stood there feeling utterly ridiculous. Damn it, how had he bungled things so? Not that she could ever care for him, but to get them both so hot and then blurt out a foolish thing like of course he couldn’t marry her. Just why had that popped out of his mouth?

He guessed that however stupid he sounded, he had saved them both from further foolishness. He loved Caitlin Burke. God knew he loved and wanted her. But if she wasn’t for him, at least this awkwardness would break the attraction that flowed between them.

* * * *

It took Cait a long time to get to sleep that night because she could not stop thinking of what had happened in the barn. She could feel herself grow warm with desire again as she remembered how Gabe had kissed and caressed her. Then, as she thought of her own behavior, she became even hotter with humiliation. Why was it that Henry, for whom she had felt a great affection, had never been able to give her what she wanted, while Gabe Hart, a man she hardly knew, had her pulling his pants down as though she were the town whore! Whatever must he think of her?

But she did know Gabe, she would remind herself. They had grown to be friends; he had been kind to her. She respected his way with horses and she admired him for his loyalty to her father. But respect and liking and admiration and attraction didn’t necessarily add up to love, did they? If only she could talk to her mother about this. But it was one thing to tell her ma that Henry did not meet her need for passion. It was quite another to say: “Ma, I almost let Gabe Hart make love to me in the tack room. And the only reason we didn’t is that
he
stopped us. Does that mean I love him, Ma?”

It had been embarrassing enough to face him after their kisses behind the barn. But today they had become intimate in a way usually reserved for marriage. And Gabe Hart had made it perfectly clear that he was not thinking of marriage. Caitlin wondered what it would be like to be married to him and be free to explore his body and have him explore hers. Then it would start all over again, the cycle of desire, humiliation, and confusion. She didn’t fall asleep until at least three in the morning.

* * * *

“You look tired this morning, Cait,” her mother said as they got breakfast ready. “Didn’t you sleep well?”

Cait concentrated on placing the silverware on the table just so and said: “I guess I was just too excited about getting the job, Ma.”

Elizabeth looked over at her daughter and smiled. “I am so proud of you, Cait. I am sure you will do a wonderful job with those children.”

“I hope so, Ma. I guess I’m as nervous as I am excited.”

Sadie overheard their exchange as she came in. “I remember my first year teaching, Cait,” she said with a sympathetic smile. “I was only sixteen and a half and one of my pupils, Jeb Turner, was a foot taller than me at fourteen! I was sure I’d never get him to mind me.”

“How did you handle him?” Cait asked curiously.

“Actually, I didn’t have to,” Sadie admitted. “He got a huge crush on me so he did everything I wanted. It was the ten-year-olds that had me in tears every day when I came home! But by the end of the year, I’d learned how to keep control.”

“I don’t know that I have to worry about Dine children misbehaving,” Cait said thoughtfully. “More likely the challenge will be getting them to trust me.”

Discussing her fears about teaching had distracted her from her dread of seeing Gabe again. But it turned out she needn’t have worried after all, for when her Da came in he explained that Gabe had grabbed some biscuits earlier that morning and was riding up to the sheep meadow.

* * * *

Gabe had had as hard a time getting to sleep as Cait and he knew there was no way he could face her across the breakfast table. As soon as Michael came out that morning he had volunteered to ride up to the sheep camp himself. Everything looked a fresh green after the storm and the pungent smell of sage filled his lungs and seemed to cleanse him of all his worries.

The new shepherd was a younger man, a Basque down from Colorado. He didn’t speak much English but knew enough to convey to Gabe that all was well and that Gabe should help himself to coffee while he, Joaquin, went up to the meadow.

The coffee was good and strong and Gabe felt his spirits rise as he sat there at the bottom of the meadow. Maybe things would stay peaceful, he thought. If they did, then he could leave the Burkes without feeling he’d broken faith with them. As he breathed in the scent of pinon and juniper, he even let himself wonder if he could stay. He’d come to love more than Caitlin Burke, he reminded himself. He’d grown to love the horses, especially Night Sky, and it would feel like breaking faith with
him
to leave anytime soon, he realized. There was a bond between them, one formed by patience and trust and even love. He loved that horse for his intelligence and his fear and his courage. It would be almost as hard to leave Sky as it would be to leave Cait behind.

Maybe saving her horse had been a safe way of loving Caitlin Burke. Maybe he was trying to keep himself too safe. And maybe he was misjudging Cait, as Sadie had suggested. She wasn’t Caroline, an Eastern girl transplanted West. Cait had been born in New Mexico and though she’d been away from it, she’d loved it enough to stay. He closed his eyes and thought of the way she’d looked when he’d come upon her that evening, talking to Sky. And the way she had felt after the storm.

He loved her far more than he had ever loved Caroline Bryce, he admitted to himself. But could he trust her? She knew he was a good man with a horse. She might even think him a brave man, since he was willing to strap on a gun and face down her father’s enemies if he had to. But Gabe wasn’t sure how brave he really was. Here he was, asking Night Sky to let go of his fear while he was keeping safe and pushing Cait away because he was afraid to trust his heart to a woman again. To trust himself.

He rode down feeling a lot better than when he’d ridden up. When he got back to the ranch, he saw Caitlin weeding the flower bed in front of the house and he tied his horse and walked over.

“Good morning, Miss Cait. Your ma’s flowers are looking a might bedraggled today. I guess the downpour got them as bad as it did us.”

Cait was kneeling in the red dirt, trying to lift up some of the petunias and brush the sand off their leaves and petals. She couldn’t believe that Gabe would come over and talk to her about yesterday, however obliquely.

“Some of them are more than bedraggled, Mr. Hart,” she said quietly. “Petunias are very fragile and most of them won’t survive.”

“But those spicy smelling red and gold flowers look just fine,” he observed.

“The marigolds? They are strong enough to survive almost anything,” Cait replied.

“I hope our friendship is more like them, then,” said Gabe softly and seriously. “I’d hate to think yesterday would damage it permanently.”

“I don’t see how we can have a friendship after yesterday, Mr. Hart,” said Cait, finally turning and facing him. “Clearly we were both…carried away…I must beg you to forget my behavior,” she added, her voice low and strained.

“I don’t know that I can, Miss Cait.”

“Oh, but you must,” she begged. “I am so ashamed of myself.”

“There is nothing for you to be ashamed of,” Gabe said, hoping to reassure her when Elizabeth came out onto the porch.

“I am afraid most of the petunias are hopeless, Ma,” said her daughter, relieved that her mother’s presence had ended the conversation. When Gabe left, however, she realized she was also a little disappointed. Had he really meant it when he said she had nothing to be ashamed of? Unfortunately, he was the only person to whom she could turn for reassurance, she thought ironically.

Over the next few days, Gabe could feel a tension building in him as he worked with Night Sky. The horse was ready, he was sure of it. He obeyed voice commands perfectly on the lunge line, going from a walk to a canter, stopping and backing up at the slightest pressure from the hackamore. For the last week, Gabe had been working him with the red-and-black saddle blanket strapped to his back. He’d leaned his full weight on Sky’s back, hanging there for a full minute without the horse shying or crow-hopping.

One afternoon toward the end of the week, he decided he would get up before dawn the next day, before anyone else was awake. He could wait a few weeks, letting the horse get used to a saddle, but he was sure once Sky had accepted a rider, he’d take the saddle very easily. And this feeling Gabe had, well, it kept rising in his chest every time he worked with the horse and he could tell from the way Sky responded to him that he was just waiting for the culmination of their work the way Gabe was.

It was the second night after a full moon and when Gabe awoke at four in the morning, the moonlight was still bright enough to light the pasture. He whistled softly to Sky and rattled a pail of oats and the horse came trotting over from the corner. Sky only lipped one handful of oats and then stamped one foot impatiently as if to say: “Come on, let’s do it.”

Gabe slipped the hackamore on him and led him to the corral, where he tied him to the fence and slipped the blanket on his back. As he smoothed it under the girth, he admired the geometric patterns. It was a beautiful piece of weaving and he surprised himself by saying a little prayer that Mrs. Burke’s friend’s power was somehow present in the blanket and would help him.

“I’m going to tighten the cinch more than usual, Sky,” said Gabe after he’d pulled it to the third hole, which Sky was used to. “Now, don’t blow yourself up on me,” he warned. The horse merely shifted and gave Gabe a curious look as he hauled at the cinch. Gabe slipped two fingers under it to make sure it wasn’t too tight and then untied the reins.

“If I were smart, I’d lunge you for ten minutes, boy,” he said as he led the horse to the center of the corral where he’d set up a mounting block. “But it will be getting light soon and I don’t want an audience. Especially if you toss me!”

Gabe leaned over the horse’s back like he had before, but this time he let Sky take his full weight for a good three minutes. Sky walked forward a few steps and Gabe kept himself hanging there. When he pulled gently on the reins, the horse stopped immediately.

Gabe slid off and brought Sky close to the mounting block.

“This is it, Sky. This is what we’ve been working for all summer, you and me,” he murmured as he stroked the horse’s muzzle. “I know I’ll feel like that big cat at first, but you should know by now that I won’t hurt you.”

Gabe stood on the block for a moment. If he was doing this too soon, it would set the horse back once again. But he
knew
he had put enough time in. He
knew
the horse trusted him. But when he felt real weight, with Gabe’s legs on either side of him, would it remind him too much of the searing pain of the claws on his neck? Maybe he’d never accept a rider, no matter how much he trusted him.

It was time to stop thinking about it and do it, thought Gabe, and he threw his leg over Sky’s back, and using his hand for balance, lowered himself as gently as he could. Sky’s head went down and Gabe held himself ready for anything. He’d try to stay on, he decided as he slipped his right hand under the folded blanket and grabbed the wool.

But the horse didn’t buck, although Gabe was sure he’d been about to. Instead, as he heard Gabe murmur “Easy boy, I’m not going to hurt you,” he started to shudder. The horse was terrified, but because of his trust in Gabe, he just stood there, shaking.