Judas (13 page)

There was no bond between them and she had nothing to compete with. It meant that he was hers. He had given her a lot to think about and though they didn't make love that night, they slept peacefully entwined like two lovers, clinging to one another. She no longer feared the future. Tomorrow, she would tell him.

             
Both of them were in high spirits when they grabbed their coats and headed out for a walk around the grounds. He held onto her gloved hand as they made their way along the edge of the snow covered grass, taking in the beauty in the stark landscape. A small ice covered creek was nestled between tall trees, winding into the forest beyond the property line. He laughed when she flopped down on the ground in her thick wool coat and began to make a snow angel. "I couldn't resist. I haven't done this since I was a kid," she said, laughing.

             
"And I haven't done THIS since I was a kid," he said as he scooped up a handful of snow. She rolled across the ground, and leapt to her feet, distorting the perfect angel she had created as she playfully shrieked "Don't you dare!"

Too late. He had already packed the snowball in his hands and had drawn it back. "Incoming!" he shouted as he slung the first one.

"You jerk!" she squealed as she swooped down to grab a fist full of snow.

             
They traded several snowballs, launching them blindly into the air, as they laughed and dodged them with clumsy prowess. He had never had so much fun and though they were wet and freezing cold, he was enjoying every second with her. He thew his hands into the air, to call a truce as he stepped forward to pull her close.

His fingers raked through her hair, dislodging clumps of snow as he smiled down at her. "There's something I need to do," he said before dropping to the ground and making his own snow angel at her feet. She watched him with a confused expression and as he stood, he explained. "I've never done that before."

She was shocked. "Never?"

"Nope. That was my first one. I'm over it now." he laughed as he began to lead her back down path to their home.

              "Race?" he called out unfairly as he broke into a dead run, leaving her behind.

"Cheater!" she wailed but didn't give chase.
He slowed his pace as he realized she wasn't following. He turned back, about thirty meters in front of her and called "Pussy!"

She stopped and put her hands on her hips and shouted, "We're slow!"

"We're? How many of you are there, doll?" he yelled.

"Just me and our baby!" she shouted back.

              He heard her loud and clear. "Our, baby." His mind reeled for several seconds as he tried to piece it together. She had shown no signs of being pregnant and he wondered how long she had known. He walked toward her with purpose and when he reached her, he wordlessly swept her up into his arms and carried her all the way back to the house. "You know for sure?" he asked, lowering her feet to the floor as they entered the kitchen.

"Yes. Dr. Hampton confirmed it." she said evenly as she kicked off her snow covered boots and removed the sopping wet coat.

              "How long have you known?" he asked thoughtfully.

"A few days. There was so much happening, I wanted to wait until a better time to tell you," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm about eight weeks."

He nodded and said nothing more, letting his mind wander back in time to Leanna and the times they had tried to have a baby of their own. He felt a ripple of terror as he thought of Adessa and what she would have to suffer if anything were to happen, and given his track record, he knew the possibility was real. The doctors had found nothing wrong with Leanna to explain why she had miscarried so he already had no intentions of letting her out of his sight.

And then it hit him. Holy shit! His wife was pregnant! It was another chance. A new beginning for the two of them and the timing was perfect. She finally seemed to have made her peace with who he was and she hadn't left him. They were a family now. He was thrilled with the news and he already couldn't wait to spoil him. Or
, her. Hell, he didn't even care which. He went to the fridge and got out the jug of milk and poured it into two champagne glasses. “Only one way to celebrate,” he grinned, pulling a package of cookies from the cupboard.

             
They toasted their new life over milk and she laughed when he broke his cookie, trying to dip it in the thin flute. “Are you happy, baby?”

“Fuck yes I am!” he exclaimed.

“Are you sure you're ready?” she asked, sobering some.

He hugged her tight and kissed her softly before assuring her, “I'm sure.”

They both slept peacefully that night, tangled and spent in each other’s arms.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

              She flipped through the hangers of blouses, all of them the same flowing style but each one a different pastel hue. She never was much for bright colors and the pastels were perfect for spring, which would be about the time she would need them. It was a bit too early to be looking for maternity clothes but she needed some time alone, to think. She was thrilled with his acceptance of her pregnancy, and though he had said he wasn't ready to start a family, he seemed honestly excited that they were expecting. This was a happy time for them but there still things about him that she just didn't understand.

             
He told her he was a sadist and told her what it meant but so many questions rolled around in her head. What did that really mean? Is it curable? Did he even want to be cured? She had no idea what it was that she had accepted about him. Maybe she was blinded by love. Maybe he wasn't a good person. She groaned at the thought. Of course he was. She was being silly. It had to be all the new hormone changes she was going through. She didn't get much morning sickness but the hormones might do her in at this rate.

             
She selected two of the tops and wandered to the next rack, carefully avoiding eye contact with the sales lady that hovered nearby. Maybe she just needed to understand. He wasn't the greatest at opening up and though he did try at times, it always ended in him shutting down. She had to figure this out. Figure him out. “Can I help you?” the sales associate finally got around to asking.
“Actually, I think I'm finished. I'll just take these two tops,” Adessa answered politely. She suddenly had a plan and she needed to get out of this store.
              “Are you sure you don't want the matching bottoms? They're on sale,” the friendly voice chirped.
“Sure! Show me what you have,” she quipped before realizing what she had done. Really, Adessa, a sale? She followed the woman to the selection of leggins and quickly grabbed two neutral tones to match her pastel shirts. “These will do,” she said, hurrying to the counter to pay. She threw the boxes in the trunk of the trusty Prius and sped off toward home. Google. She would google it. 
              He wasn't due home for another few hours so she sneaked into his rarely used office and started up the computer. She had no idea where to begin, so she went to google and typed in “how to understand a sadist” and hit return. The first result brought up Wikipedia's definition of a sadist. She read the whole page, pouring over each line, trying to make some connection between the word and the man she knew. This couldn't be him. He had never degraded or humiliated anyone, and though he claimed to enjoy giving pain, this spoke nothing of pain in a sexual context. It was all about mental illnesses and she refused to believe any of that pertained to him. She cleared the search bar and started again. “Sexual Sadism” Bingo.
              She went to several different websites and each had been somewhat confusing for her. She was beginning to understand what a sadist was. Finally. But was this her husband? The tender, loving man she knew? She absolutely couldn't imagine him being a part of the things being described. Asphyxiation, bondage, torture... Jesus. She sat there thinking, unsure of what it was she even needed to know. The only treatment was therapy, but she saw nothing even saying that it could even be cured. She wondered if he had considered it before. But then again, he didn't give her the impression that he even wanted help. Maybe he enjoyed what he was. She shuttered at the thought.

             
Then another word caught her eye. Masochist. The opposite of a sadist. Kinda. Someone who enjoyed the acts of the sadist. She chewed on the thought for a moment. This sounded like her. She did enjoy the physical pain he had delivered and she knew she wanted it again, but she did have to admit the more extreme things didn't sound very appealing. Or did they? How would she know if she never tried them out. The only thing she knew for sure was that she was not interested in the part of being verbally or mentally abused. She had enough of that from her first husband. This one was... different.

             
Now, she was absolutely curious. If he was a sadist, and she was a masochist... or could be one, then what was the problem? She trusted him to experiment with her and the new knowledge only fueled the desire to do so. Then she clicked on the images. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the images that went along with the word.

Some of them had frightened her but some had piqued her interest. She closed her eyes and imagined him doing some of the things depicted in the images. The heat began to rise between her thighs and she began to squirm in his chair. She knew she wanted it. Whatever it was
that he had to give, and she would get it one way or another.

              “That's the happiest news ya ever brought! I'm thrilled for ya,” Ms. Verino exclaimed, releasing a full belly laugh as she hugged her younger friend tight.

Adessa laughed, trying to release herself from the hearty hold the woman had on her. “Thank you, Ms. V. We're both very happy.”

Ms. Verino's eyes grew serious after that. “Even him?” she asked, nearly scowling.

Adessa nodded, “Yes, even him. He has even started thinking of names already.” She gave a warm smile as she patted the older woman's shoulder.

              After a weighty pause, Ms. Verino tilted her head, “Well that's even better news. But do ya think it'll settle him down any?”

Adessa shrugged. She hadn't really thought about that. She had been in such high spirits, and he had been so attentive, that Jaime had become the last thing on her mind. “I don't know. He swore he wouldn't change, but I suppose time will tell.”

Ms. Verino raised a stern brow. “He still carryin on with his mistress.” It was a statement and Adessa needed to tell her.

             
She lowered her gaze as she sank against the soft cushion of Ms. Verino's floral chaise. “She's a prostitute.”

The old woman's eyes flashed with sudden contempt, “Well if that don't put a whole new spin of stupid on him. A prostitute!” She was clearly upset, as Adessa knew she would be. Ms. Verino had made known her feelings for women who sell themselves long ago and even the men that hire them don't escape her wrath. “It's fine. I feel better knowing he's only going to her for sex, than worrying he will up and leave me to be with her,” Adessa reasoned.

Ms. Verino shuttered, “How ya know he aint got some disease? Child, just the thought makes my skin crawl.”

             
That was a good question but there was only one answer that fit. Trust. “I have forced myself to not think about it, I suppose. I just trust him. I have no reason not to.”

She watched her old friend wring her hands, shaking her head. “Don't know what ta say ta that then. I'm no judge and yer the one that has to live with him. But you know I don't approve and the more ya tell me, the more I question my own judgement when I encouraged this whole mess.”

Adessa knew she would be upset, but she was right. It was no one's place to judge. Their life worked for them for the most part and it was no one's business. Maybe she should stop sharing those details with Ms. Verino. But then again, who else would she talk to? Certainly, not Judas.

             
“Don't worry, Ms. V. I'm learning how to handle myself. Besides, I have you and your skillet if things get out of hand,” she grinned. She was trying to make light of it, but she knew deep down that it really wasn't a laughing matter. Her husband clearly had issues.

“And I'd bust him upside his thick head with it if he ever thinks ta hurt ya. Bet on that,” Ms. Verino growled. “Ya think he has kinks now, just wait til he has to figure out how to screw with a skillet hangin out his arse!” she roared.

              Adessa finally brought the conversation back to the baby and Ms. Verino began to soften again. She had no children of her own but she had cared for many over the course of her nearly eighty years. She knew all about caring for babies and Adessa needed her help. “Do you think you would come and stay with us once the baby comes?”