Judas (10 page)

“We both are. And then, we're going to go shower. Together.” he stated matter-of-factly.

They spent the next forty minutes cleaning their mess and then headed for the shower. She brought the water to steaming before she slipped in, and began to rinse the globs of frosting away. He stepped in behind her and did the same, using another of the four shower heads that rained from the corners of the stall. He was watching her through the foggy haze, as he lathered the cloth and began to wash her with it.

             
He knelt in front of her, lifting her foot to rest on his knee, giving him range to wash every inch of her soft leg. She raised her arms, clinging to the neck of the shower head as she allowed him to clean her. He looked up, taking in the view of her hanging there, causing searing heat to radiate out from deep in his belly.

How this creature had managed to be both innocent and wonton at the same time, he had no idea but his dick was hard again now and he wanted her. He slipped his arms through her parted legs, gripping her bottom to secure her in place. She was still clinging to the shower head when he stood, leaving her pinned securely to the wall.

              His mouth crashed against hers as he drove himself deep within her. He took her as the water rained down over them both, refusing to stop until they were both spent and breathless against the shower wall. They slept in the kitchen that night, curled up with the soft blanket and though neither were comfortable, neither complained. He hoped the snow never cleared.

CHAPTER tEN

Once the roads were clear again and most of the snow had finally melted, they went pick out their tree. They hiked the hills, pouring over every tree on the farm looking for the perfect one. She had picked a fat, round one with bristly branches that jutted out in all directions. The trunk appeared to be leaning, but though he thought it was hideous, he cut it down. The tag attached labeled it "Fraser Fir" and he thought it should have read "Reserved for Charlie Brown".

              “This tree is terrible. How do you expect ornaments to even hang on a sideways tree?” he asked, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

“It's not sideways, Judas. It's crooked,” she said, ignoring his sarcasm.

He shook his head, “There's a difference?”

“Yes.” She glared, warning him to drop it.

Had the attendant not been in earshot, he would have told her how sexy that look was and that it didn't scare him. He grumbled to himself and began to drag the heavy thing back down the path.

             
He threw the snow covered mess in the back of his pick-up truck and took her for hot cocoa on the way home at a little cafe, where carolers had gathered on the corner. They listened to several songs and at the end, he was beginning to get into the Christmas Spirit. Somewhere along the way, he had even forgiven her stupid tree for being so ugly. If he allowed himself, he might even decide to like it. Nah. It could live with them but he still wasn't going to claim it. It made her happy and that's all he cared about.

             
They decorated the tree in white and blue glitter snowflake ornaments that sparkled against multi-colored, twinkling lights. The garland was a single strand of popcorn that they had strung only the night before. It had been a pain in the ass but neither of them complained. She placed a glass angel atop the crooked display and surrounded it with several gifts that had already been wrapped.

             
"Looks good, doll." he said as he held her against him on the sofa. “But why did you have to have the shitty one?”

"It's not shitty, Judas. It suits us. Just a little off." she laughed, looking up at him.

He pondered her words for a moment before finally relenting. "You're right. It does."

"Can I ask you something?" Her tone turned serious, but still soft.

"Sure, doll." God, how he hated that question.

"Do you love me?" She asked, not turning her head to face him.

              He should have seen that coming. "I care about you. I want you. I need you. I'm happy with what we are. But love, I can't love anyone. Best I got." He had told her the truth, hadn't he? Love wasn't for people like him.

She said nothing for a long moment and then finally asked "So you don't love her either?"

"Who?" he asked but then gave up the charade. "No, I don't,” he answered honestly but she wasn't convinced. This was going downhill quick.

             
"Are you sure?" she asked, finally turning her face to meet his emerald gaze.

He nodded, tightening his arms around her. "Yes, I'm sure. There is no one closer to me than you."

"I believe you,” she said, but there was a sudden sadness in her voice and it stung to know he had caused it.

"I know you're in love with me, Adessa." It was a bold statement but he knew it was true.

"I am," she whispered.

             
His heart skipped a beat as she confirmed his words. "Why have you never told me?"

"Because I was afraid you would reject me,” she said, picking at the fibers of her knitted sweater.

He blinked, "Reject you? You're my wife, doll. I have already accepted you."

"But you have already accepted someone else. Someone I don't even know.” There was no bitterness to her words, only sadness and he wished he could crawl in a hole.

It was the reassurance issue again. "You are my priority. No one, but you."

"There is so much I don't understand, Judas. It scares me."

              He tried to imagine himself in her shoes but his mind was reeling from the line of questioning. He felt like he was being interrogated, even though he knew that was not her intent. He was grasping for patience now as he took in a long, slow breath and exhaled. "Believe me, if I could explain it to you, I would."

"Why can't you? What are you afraid of?"

He had to be honest. With her, and with himself. "Losing you."

"That's what I don't understand. I'm here. I haven't left yet, so what makes you think I would?"

              She was confused but he knew he couldn't let this conversation continue. He knew where it was leading, at least for him, and he had no intention of allowing it.

"It's not that simple, doll. Just know it isn't you. It's nothing you can change or fix."

She considered his words, chewing her lip before finally asking. "It's part of you. Why would I want to?"

That was a good question. One he already knew the answer to and he also knew that she wasn't ready to hear it. "I don't want to talk about it."

              “Of course, not. What was I thinking?” she sighed, leaning her head against his chest.

He stroked her hair as he held her, “I'm sorry.”

“Do you even know how it feels to love someone and to know they have a whole separate life that you're not a part of? That someone gives you something I obviously can't and I don't even get to know what that is?” she was pleading with him to tell her.

“No, I don't,” he said quietly, shaking his head. He did the only thing he could do. He leaned in and kissed her softly, trying his best to comfort her. In reality, he needed just as much comfort right now.

              He was tired of the same questions, the same topic. She was never going to accept that he couldn't tell her and he wouldn't allow her to pry. He had given her as much of the truth as he could and he never blatantly lied to her. Sure, he kept some things to himself, but those were his demons and he had a right to them. He just wished he could make her understand how insignificant it all really was when compared to the life he shared with her.  He respected and adored his wife and he needed her. Way more than she knew.

              The day before they were scheduled to leave for Florida, Adessa caught a stomach bug. Judas urged her to see the doctor but she swore that she just needed rest and it would pass. He called his Mother to let her know they wouldn't make it for Christmas, and she had been furious with him for not coming alone. “She can't be too sick if she won't see a doctor,” his mother scolded.

“She's stubborn, Mother. You should be able to understand that,” he sniped back.

She wasn't going to back down. “What I understand is that you are allowing your wife to call the shots. Are you even a man anymore, Judas?”

             
And that was about all he could take of her. “Mother, my wife isn't feeling well, we are not coming to Christmas. There is nothing more to say,” he snapped.

“What of the gifts? Your father and I spent a small fortune on the two of you,” she pouted, trying to buy him.

He wasn't for sale. He put on a sickeningly sweet voice and retorted, “That depends, is there room for all of them up your ass? Or is your head taking up too much space in there?”

With that, he hung up on her and went to check on his wife. She was still very nauseated and was unable to lift her head from the pillow. She was holding nothing down, and he was deeply concerned that she would dehydrate.

              He got a cool, damp cloth and began to stroke her forehead and cheeks, as he sat on the edge of their bed. A small trash can had been placed beside her but so far, she had made it to the toilet each time. He hated seeing her like this and he felt completely helpless to save her. The last time he saw a woman this sick, it was Leanna and she was pregnant.

He hoped that wasn't the case with Adessa and she had told him she didn't believe she was. He had no choice but to dismiss it. Surely she wouldn't keep something like that from him if she knew. He slipped into the bed, trying not to disturb her as she slept. They both napped peacefully all afternoon but when she woke, the vomiting began again.

              She was weak and pale and he had held her hand while he read a few chapters of her romance novel. Her eyes didn't open but he knew she was listening, probably enjoying the fact he had opened the book at a particularly mushy part. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't be caught dead with a girl book in his hand, but here he sat, reading as if the words would somehow heal his wife.

He saw her eyes flutter open as he read the part where the apparent hero told the girl he loved her and his pulse began to quicken, as he felt her eyes on him. He continued reading, silently choking on each word as he finished the chapter. He leaned in and kissed her forehead as he closed the book.

              “I've got you some broth, doll. Please try to sip,” he said, offering her the liquid through a thin straw. “That's it baby, good girl,” he encouraged her as she took two swallows. Her eyes fluttered closed again and she slept the rest of the day. It was evening before he left the room and wandered downstairs to get himself something to eat. He heated leftovers and brought his plate back to their room to eat. Despite the bell he had placed on the table for her, he didn't want to be too far if she needed him.

             
He soon learned that eating anywhere near her was a big mistake. The smell of his reheated meal made her ill and before he could put the plate aside, she was scrambling to the toilet again. He hurried into the small room to grab her hair, pulling it back from her beautiful face as she heaved. It was dark outside before he finally went down to smoke and nearly midnight when he gave up the quiet vigil and went to sleep in the chair beside the bed.

              She was still sick the following day. Her stomach hadn't settled, so he heated more broth for her to sip. She sat up in bed, willing herself to hold it down as the warm liquid coated her scratchy throat. She felt like she had slept for years, and she was sorry she missed so much time with him. He had read to her for hours, even the good scenes, and though her body was frail and weak, her heart was full. She could feel how much he adored her and it showed in the tender way he had cared for her.

             
That evening, he carried her downstairs to sit by the tree to open their gifts. She had bought him Gucci cufflinks that were monogrammed with his initials and immediately snapped them on with pride. When she un-wrapped his gift, tears sprang to her eyes.

It was a simple gold chain that held an intricately detailed locket. Tiny diamonds and sapphires lined the edges, and it featured a four karat diamond which matched her engagement ring. It was the one from the jewelry store that she had pretended to not be interested in when she picked out her ring.

              The man was amazing. She opened it to reveal the words "My Doll", which were inscribed inside, next to a picture of her that had been taken a few weeks back.

"My god, Judas!" she gasped as her trembling fingers stroked the shiny metal.

"Don't say it." he warned playfully, knowing she was about to ask what he had spent.

"It's beautiful. How did you know?" she whispered through her tears.

He chuckled and gave her a playful shrug. “I know my girl. That's how.”

She laughed softly as her arms circled his neck, hugging him tight. “Thank you so much.”

              Merry Christmas, baby." he smiled as he lifted the ornate oval locket from the small box. He brushed her hair aside and fastened it around her neck and even in her pajamas, with rumpled hair, she looked gorgeous wearing it. She wasn't up to making love that night, so he had held her while they talked. His fingers twirled absently through her ruby strands as she laid close to him. "I'm sorry I haven't been much company."

"You need the rest. Don't worry about me." he murmured.

              She twisted her head to look up at him. "Thank you for taking care of me."

He smiled warmly down at her. "I will always take care of you." His words were sincere and as always, she couldn't help but melt against him. No matter what he told her from that point on, she believed he loved her and she would make him proud of her. She would rest and regain her strength and spend every moment trying to be whatever it was that he
needed. She had taken him as is, and if this was what he was, then she was a very lucky woman.

             
“I love you, Judas,” she whispered warmly against his throat, not even expecting a reply.

He smiled softly as he nodded, “I know, baby. And that means everything to me.”