Just Between Us (33 page)

             
“What the fuck is average?” he growled. “Who wants fucking average? I want phenomenal. I want fireworks and sodding chemistry. That’s what we’ve got, and if that’s not average, and that’s taboo, then give me that any day.”

             
I didn’t speak.

             
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said quietly, “But I honestly thought I did the right thing and I’m pretty gutted that you don’t agree.”

             
I looked up to meet his eyes with tears in mine. “I don’t agree Kyle, I really wish you had let me make that decision.”

             
“You would have chosen him, wouldn’t you? Back then?”

             
“You weren’t even in the picture,” I said glumly. “There wouldn’t have been a choice.”

             
“I can’t bear this, Soph, you’re making up reasons to not give this a chance, and you’re fighting your instincts that are telling you to be with me. I can see it.”

             
“Maybe we weren’t meant to be.” I sighed. “Maybe we keep happening by default, and I need to keep looking.”

             
“You want to keep looking?” he asked harshly.

             
“I …”

             
“Fuck you, Sophie, I said I didn’t want to be some rebound shit. You let me think …” He trailed off exasperated. “You let me think that I had you and then … shit!” He walked towards the house.

             
“Kyle!” I shouted in a strangled voice.

             
“Sort your shit out, Sophie, I may have kept the truth from you about Simon’s little visit, but I never once made you doubt how I feel. I love you and I would never hurt you and you are just determined to keep me hanging and break my fucking heart.”

             
“But I’m upset, I’m confused,” I said as he walked away.

             
“I’m done!” He shouted over his shoulder as he stormed off.

             
Ten minutes later I heard the door slam, and his car revved loudly as he pulled away. Suddenly I was back to my life, I was back to my misery, and although I had been ecstatically happy with Kyle, I always knew deep down it was temporary. We just weren’t meant to be. It was all way too weird, even being with Simon at his house I cringed at the thought of him finding out that I was now dating my step-brother. What had I been thinking? I couldn’t announce that we were together so everyone could judge, and I couldn’t let Simon think that I had settled for Kyle because he didn’t want to marry me anymore.

             
The only problem was how much this hurt, infinitely more than the Simon break up, and a thousand times more than the last time Kyle and I said goodbye. I needed to call him, but then would I be stringing him along again as I couldn’t imagine ever telling people that we were together? I cared far more about what other people thought than our happiness. What was wrong with me?

             
Instead of dealing with the pain, I curled up into a ball and cried in my bed, interrupted only by Vinnie calling to say I could visit Ashley at seven if I wanted to. I wiped my eyes, washed my face, and was reminded of real problems that plagued the world. My fucked up relationship with my step-brother was not one of them.

Twenty-Five
– Just miserable

Now

“Are you telling me that he has broken your heart again?” Ashley winced as she tried to get comfortable on her massive sofa, leaning as far back as she could manage. The surgery had left her very delicate and unable to get comfortable at all.

             
Just at that moment Vinnie entered the room carrying a tray with three steaming cups of tea. I smiled at her and shook my head. Ashley stayed in the hospital a week and had been out two days. I had been here both evenings after work and also visited her in hospital a lot to try and keep busy.

             
We were silent as Vinnie laid the tray on the coffee table. He looked at Ashley, then me, and noted that we were in the midst of something. “You two in the middle of something?” He grinned. “Got anything to do with Kyle Hanson’s reappearance?” I sighed and looked down.

             
“Get out.” Ashley shook her head and tried to swipe him but couldn’t move that far. “Caesareans suck because you can’t beat your husband after one,” she said but with a wry smile.

             
“I’ll put some dinner on, you staying, Soph?”

             
“Oh I shouldn’t, you two have your hands full.”

             
“My pleasure,” Vinnie said with a mock bow. “However you are changing the next nappy.”

             
“Great,” I said with a sarcastic smile. Just at that moment baby Stanley stirred in his Moses basket and made a small squeak.

             
“I’ll be in the kitchen,” Vinnie said with a wide grin.

             
I jumped up and carefully lifted the tiny little man out of his basket and rocked him slowly in my arms. He moulded himself into me and made a few sucking noises with his tongue.

             
“Is he hungry?” I asked Ashley.

             
“God I hope not,” she sighed, “my nipples feel like they’ve been rubbed down with sand paper.”

             
“Ouch.” I laughed lightly. Stanley stayed asleep, and so I sat on the chair opposite Ashley and cuddled into him, taking in his tiny features, watching his furrowed brow just like his daddy, and savouring his new baby smell.

             
“So what happened?” Ashley asked sympathetically now that Vinnie was safely in the kitchen.

             
“Oh.” I groaned. “I don’t know, same old story I suppose.”

             
“What, same arrogant, demanding arsehole?”

             
“That.” I laughed. “And I couldn’t face people finding out, I mean I thought I wanted to tell my mum, thought it was exactly what I wanted, but back up here away from London, faced with it all … I just couldn’t do it.”

             
She sighed. “You always were hung up on the guy, I knew a summer down there was a mistake.”

             
“It wasn’t a mistake,” I snapped, recovering quickly, “I mean, the summer was amazing, and I don’t regret it, being with Kyle is just so easy, and we had a blast. It’s just not real life.”

             
“What?” She stared at me. “Christ, Soph, I never saw your face ever do that over a second you spent with Simon.”

             
“Kyle is different.” I sighed.

             
“Yeah you love him,” she said matter-of-factly.

             
I looked at Stanley but didn’t speak. What was there to say?

             
“You do love him,” she squawked, “and you had a great summer with him, and he wanted more and you …”

             
“Fucked it up,” I said quietly.

             
“Well ring him, tell him you’re sorry.”

             
“It’s not that easy,” I said sombrely, “he also lied to me about Simon coming to the house, he came the day after what was supposed to be our wedding day, and Kyle told him to get lost.”

             
“So?”

             
“So I was fuming when Simon told me, and I marched home, screaming at him, blaming him for everything that wasn’t his fault.”

             
“Like?”

             
“Like … I said he stopped me having a normal life and he wanted me for himself so he made sure Simon left me alone.”

             
“Oh Soph,” she said sympathetically, “if Simon had seen me that day I may have stabbed him so he got off easy.” She laughed. “And don’t get me started on a normal life … do you think Kyle planned to seduce you?”

             
“No.” I shook my head. “He just wanted to make me feel better, and he did … he really did. Then I kissed him first. He was willing to stay away.”

             
“Soph …” she said soothingly. “Maybe you should call him, sounds like he’s been a pretty good guy this summer, sounds like you love him, and by the look on your face he is a one hundred percent improvement on bloody Simon.”

             
I laughed and she gave me a sad smile.

             
“Maybe you’re right.”

             
“I am always right.” She nodded.

             
“You told me to stay away from him,” I said incredulously.

             
“I did and if you had listened to me you wouldn’t be so crushed now.” She said with a huge grin that said “I told you so.”

             
“Touché.” I nodded.

Vinnie made us a lamb tagine for dinner; we sat and ate in the dining room where Ashley also fed Stanley in between bites of food. Vinnie was extremely attentive, more than I had ever seen before, and I knew he was glad to have his wife and son home and alive after what they had been through. Ashley was recovering extremely well after blood transfusions, a major operation, and very little sleep since Stanley and her had been reunited. Despite the stress of the first few days, she was determined to breast feed and was handling the pain very well. Vinnie was off work for another week, and so she was being cared for twenty-four hours a day until then.

             
Despite her issues, she still managed to look amazing and was again counselling me through another relationship issue. She was my hero. We watched television, and at about nine pm I decided to go home. I snuck up to my room when I got in, avoiding Mum and wearily dressing in my pyjamas. I had done a lot of prep work for next week’s classes the weekend before, so I was all ready for my nine year olds in the morning. I brushed my teeth and stood in the bathroom that Kyle and I had once shared. I could almost feel him there. It had always reminded me of him ever since we first had sex in there. I noticed everything in so much more detail after that night.

             
I climbed into bed and put my phone on charge. I thought about Ashley’s words and her life with Vinnie. It was true; Vinnie had been a shit. Growing up they were drawn to each other, but he would never take the plunge. She visited him a few times at university, but they were never exclusive, they used to hook up over the summer when we were home and he always found a way to get back inside her head. Eventually she grew tired of him and she met someone else, I was so pleased for her and when we both returned home and got grown up jobs, I was so sure the Vinnie phase was over.              

             
Then one night we went out and there he was, Vinnie bloody Peterson, leaning against the bar with a grin. He walked towards her and pulled her to him, whispering in her ear, “I still love you.” After that she was a goner. I tried to persuade her, but she insisted this time it was different and said she would rather try everything to have Vinnie than have it easy with anyone else. Maybe she was right, to be with the right person wasn’t supposed to come without a struggle and mine was to swallow that feeling of shame. Kyle was right, we had done nothing wrong, we weren’t blood related and God I loved him, wanted him more than anything else in the world. I hated being without him, even now. Hated that somewhere he spent the day and so did I, without any contact whatsoever. I pulled my phone under the covers and dialled his number.

             
It rang five times, and I suddenly felt foolish, about to put it down when I heard him say, “Hello.” It sounded so void of emotion, so cold and decisive that I doubted the call straight away.

             
“Kyle.” I croaked, my voice unsteady and alien to me.

             
“Hi Soph,” he whispered.

             
“Are you in bed?” I asked.

             
“No, I’m at the studio.”

             
“This late?” I asked.

             
“Yeah, I work late just didn’t because …”

             
“I was there,” I whispered.

             
He cleared his throat, “You Okay?” he asked casually, it was the voice of an acquaintance not someone who really cared.

             
“I miss you,” I uttered quietly.

             
“Sophie.” I could almost see him run his hands through his hair as he sighed. “You’re killing me.”

             
“I know I said some stuff and I know …”

             
“You did the right thing.” He interrupted me, coldly. “We weren’t in the real world, you were on the rebound, and I wasn’t myself.”

             
“What do you mean?” my voice sounded beyond weak.

             
“I mean this summer wasn’t who I am Sophie, I work all the hours God sends, I’m hardly at home and the reason I don’t have a girlfriend is because I have no time for one. I’m a miserable bastard.”

             
“Kyle …” I began.

             
“Seriously Sophie, it would never have worked long term, and now you can get back to your dweeb and start living your normal life again.”

             
My breath caught at his nasty tone and I realised then that my apology would not be accepted. I nodded but he couldn’t see me concede.

             
“I deserved that,” I said quietly. “You get back to work.”

             
He didn’t say anything, silence fell between us and I wondered if our conversation was over. As I opened my mouth to say goodbye he spoke, “I can’t do this Soph.”

             
“Okay,” I sighed, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry how things ended.” My voice broke at the end and silent tears began to fall.

             
“Me too,” he said gruffly, “but like I said, it’s for the best. Bye Soph.”

             
“Bye,” I squeaked and turned my phone off to sob into my pillow.