Just Between Us (30 page)

             
“Kyle.” I shook my head, “That’s not our deal.”

             
“Are you kidding me?”

             
“You’ve had a drink, you’re not seeing clearly,” I said panicked.

             
“No.” He leaned into me. “I am seeing fucking clearly, I’m just not good enough for you am I?”

             
“Kyle.” I gasped, “It’s not like that, we both agreed, we both know that people would think it’s weird. Especially the people in there.” I pointed back to the club, “And we’re both going away so it wouldn’t last anyway and … we’re so different,” I squeaked.

             
“You agreed, not me! You’re right, Soph, we are different, the difference is that I don’t give a shit what people think.” He shook his head. “I’ve strung enough girls along to know the signs.”

             
“What signs?” I cried as he turned to walk away. “What signs?” I shrieked grabbing his shirt as he moved away.

             
“You don’t want me, Soph, if you did everyone would know we were together and we wouldn’t be having this fight.”

             
“Fucking Jennie,” I growled, “she started all this.”

             
“No,” he said grimly, “she fucking wants me, you don’t. You started this!”

             
“You did!” I fumed, “You started all of this … kissing me, chasing me.”  I shouted exasperated. He managed to enrage me like no one else.

              “You never once complained!” he roared.

             
“You never gave me chance! You made me want you.”

             
“Well guess what?” he shouted, pushing me back slightly, “no more! I started it, well I’m finishing it, fuck this!” He turned and walked back inside as I stood completely dumbstruck, wondering what the hell had just happened and whether the pain in my chest would ever subside.

             
I stood for a few minutes whilst silent tears fell down my face. I slowly realised that no one was coming for me, and that I had somehow pissed Kyle off beyond belief. He was angry, he was fuming, in fact, and it was for the best. I couldn’t waltz in there and be his girlfriend, in front of all those people. It made me feel sick even thinking about it: the stares, the gossip, having to tell my parents. Kyle was exactly the type of boy that my dad would be firmly against me going anywhere near. He was flashy, arrogant, going nowhere, and completely, obviously damaged. So my only option was for us to go back to how we were.

             
I caught a taxi back home by myself. I made myself a drink and slowly climbed the stairs. Despite my reasoning that this was for the best, I had to fight the hope that Kyle would swoop home and make things right. I couldn’t help but recall how he had made me feel that very afternoon and my chest tightened again. Things with Kyle had always been carnal, but really when all was said and done he always seemed to care, made me feel wanted, desired, and safe, no matter where we did it. I was starting to doubt my view of the whole relationship and then had to shake myself to recall the glaringly obvious issue, he was my fucking step-brother, and it should have always been hands off. We were a god-damn ticking time bomb and it had just gone off!

             
Eventually I heard him come in. He didn’t come in my room.

I heard him a lot after that. In fact, I barely slept. One night became two, two became a week, and then it had been two weeks of living in the same house but managing to avoid each other. He never tried to make things right, and I was never going to apologise. I heard him in our bathroom, as I had before and just avoided seeing him. I was more aware than ever of his movements, mainly because I ached for him, and also because I was so jittery from the nights when I cried rather than slept. It was painful, in fact it was torture, and it was completely self-inflicted. I had allowed myself to feel ecstasy always knowing that pain was to follow. I reasoned that it had been worth it as I closed my eyes at night and tried every trick in the book to sleep. I reasoned that his smell, his touch, and everything we had had was enough to keep me going until I found someone else to crave just as much.

             
I lost weight as I avoided meal times and couldn’t eat even when Mum tried to force me. Kyle avoided our house full stop, and I knew that I had ruined things beyond repair but fuck him. He had ruined it all, too. I had never lied to him. I never said we could be together. I hated myself. I hated that my body yearned for him and hated that he was my ultimate undoing.

             
Mum took me shopping for university necessities and noticed my depression, falsely acknowledging it as the blues from leaving home. I went along with it, let her shower me with gifts and plan our trip to Newcastle to drop me off at my new life. Ashley visited and hugged me whilst I silently cried. She made me talk, watched romance films with me whilst I stared at the screen and tears escaped my eyes. She whispered her words of wisdom in my ears and told me to focus on the real love of my life who would come one day and sweep me off my feet.

             
Mum and Mick were going to drive to Newcastle in their car. I was going to follow in my car and they would help me unpack and leave me in Newcastle in my new Halls of Residence. Mum told me that Kyle insisted he would find his own way to Exeter and didn’t need assistance. I wondered if Mick had even offered, but I had to take her word for it these days. We would both leave the first Sunday in September for our new lives, and I hoped to God that by Christmas, the day I had to see Kyle again, that the hollowness in my chest would be filled.

             
The Saturday before I left, Mum and Mick had Dad and his girlfriend, Janet, round for dinner. We ate a roast lamb with vegetables and both my parents beamed proudly over my accomplishments.

             
“Kyle’s gone off the rails again,” Mick said, sipping a whiskey after Mum had cleared the plates away.

             
“Oh?” Dad asked.

             
“He has been all right most of this summer. He has actually been quite chatty, happy even. Getting more involved in the family … you know?” Dad nodded.

             
“He’s a teenager,” Mum added. “The slightest thing sets them off.”

             
“Probably met a girl,” Janet said, and at her words my heart clenched. Had he found someone to fill my void? I couldn’t bear the thought, but perhaps it was the best thing.

             
“Ah he’s a sullen bugger,” Mick said, “you never know with him, does his own bloody thing and wouldn’t even consider tonight.”

             
“It’s a shame,” Mum mused, “because we’ll miss him.”

             
“You might.” Mick laughed, “but I’ll be glad to have less hormones around this place.” They all laughed.

             
That night I looked around my bedroom at the packed boxes and cases and sighed. It was the end of an era. I was about to be independent for the first time. The summer had been a whirlwind of emotion, but I was glad to get out of this house and the memories that it harboured. I wouldn’t be bumping into Kyle, and I could eventually allow myself to grieve and get over whatever we had been, away from prying eyes.

             
That night I was finally able to sleep out of sheer exhaustion. I drifted into a blissful sleep with the promise of my new life approaching. I was so exhausted that I didn’t hear Kyle come home that night, but I heard my bathroom door click when the rest of the house had gone to sleep. I wondered if I was imagining things as the weight of my bed shifted, and I felt Kyle climb inside. I didn’t move, I didn’t say a word, but his proximity had my heart racing and his smell made me want him close. I was turned away from him onto my side and he scooted up to lie behind my back, throwing his arm over my waist and pulling me into him. He kissed the back of my head, and I intertwined my fingers in his. He squeezed my hand and I squeezed him back. We didn’t say anything, but I knew why he was there, and I was desperate just to feel that closeness. I had mourned this and told myself that I would be fine but here he was reminding me how ruined I really was.

             
I cried silently as the only person who could really soothe me did just that. He kissed me, held me, and let me sleep in his arms.

             
The next morning he was gone. Mum made my breakfast and helped me pack my car. As I was leaving Kyle made his way through with some boxes of his own. I couldn’t look at him for fear of crying and wasn’t sure what the protocol was.

             
“Good Luck, Soph,” he said, standing in the hallway, placing his box on the floor as he walked over and took me in a hug.

             
“Thanks,” I gulped, emotion raw in my voice. Mum busied herself with some things walking back into the kitchen, not even registering our exchange. “You too,” I whispered.

             
“I’ll never be sorry,” he whispered, and I smiled despite myself, it was a quote from
Dirty Dancing
, the film I made him watch a million times when we first started hanging out.

             
I pulled back, looking into his eyes, wondering if he knew what he had said. They were shining with emotion, and his smile said it all.

             
“Me either,” I said with a grin. He kissed my forehead just as Mum rounded the corner.

             
“Ready?” she asked chirpily.

             
I nodded and watched Kyle pick up his box and walk away.

Twenty-Three
– Just petrified

Now

It was Wednesday morning, the last week in August. Kyle and I had discussed our plans for after the summer, and we had agreed that the Saturday before I was due to start work he would drive me home. I would return to my life, and we would have dinner with our parents and tell them about us. It was going to be difficult and there was no doubt that they would be shocked, perhaps ask a lot of questions. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but once it was done, it was done.

             
Each day for the past week I had got used to Kyle telling me he loved me, and I had said it a lot to him. It felt liberating to finally allow myself to feel that deeply for him. I had been so afraid of what everyone would think, so afraid of being judged, that I never allowed my heart to just take over. Now that I had, I realised how natural a relationship could be. Simon always made things such a struggle. He had his ways of doing things that seemed to take forever. I always found myself standing at the door like a jumping Labrador ready to bolt whilst he gathered his things. I bit my lip when he annoyed me, as I learnt early on that he wasn’t one for change. I also don’t remember laughing very much. Kyle and I were always laughing and always had.

             
This summer had been an eye opener. It had made me realise that despite what my future had in store, I was so relieved that it wasn’t with Simon. He was a nice person, but he had never been for me and leaving me before the wedding had been a blessing in disguise.

             
Kyle went to the studio as usual, and I made headway on my packing. I had lots of stuff, new and old, to squeeze into the cases I had brought. Since I had been sleeping in Kyle’s room these past few weeks, my old room had become a walk-in disaster area. There were clothes flung all over the place and I was now suffering for it. I started to get somewhere by lunch-time and could see light at the end of the tunnel when my mobile rang.

             
I found it under a pile of jumpers, that I’m sure I didn’t actually need for a summer away, proving what a poor state of mind I was in when we left. It was Vinnie, I answered quickly.

             
“Hello?” I said, something must be wrong for Vinnie to call.

             
“Sophie?” He spoke hurriedly.

             
“Vinnie, you Okay?” I asked.

             
“Yes, well no, erm, I don’t know. It’s Ash, bloody hell.” He sighed. “I’m in a waiting room and …” He sighed, “I didn’t know who to call.”

             
“What’s wrong?” I asked, instantly panicked. “What’s going on?”

             
“Well, Ashley had this appointment yesterday, and they said her blood pressure was high, and so we came in,” he rambled, “then they decided to induce and then, then it all happened so quickly. We didn’t really get chance to let anyone know and …” His voice broke.

             
“Oh my God!” I shouted. “Is she Okay? Vinnie?” I squeaked.

             
“She’s in surgery.” His voice was muffled, he sounded tearful.

             
“What the hell? Why didn’t she tell me? What the hell?”

             
“It all happened so quick.” He said, “My mum is in bloody Cyprus, and Ashley’s mum is on some spa retreat, and you’re in London.” His voice broke again, “I’m all on my own here and …”

             
“What’s happening? What’s happening right now?” I asked. 

             
“She started to haemorrhage, so she’s having a caesarean. They had to knock her out and now I’m just … waiting.” He sounded petrified.

             
“Okay, I’ll come back. I’ll come home now,” I shrieked.

             
“No, no Sophie, you can’t I … “

             
“You need me, you both need me and I should be there, I’m coming home.”

             
“Are you sure?” he asked quietly.

             
“Couldn’t be surer.”

             
“Thanks.”

             
“I’ll be there by dinner time, and I want you to call me when she comes out. I need to know she’s Okay.”             

             
“She has to be,” he said solemnly. “I can’t bear the thought of … God Sophie, I can’t lose her.”

             
“You won’t!” I said firmly.

             
I called Kyle straight away, “Hi gorgeous,” he answered.

             
“I need to borrow your car,” I said hurriedly.

             
“Why?” he asked.

             
“I need to get home, now.”

             
“What? Why?” he asked.

             
“It’s Ashley,” my voice broke, “something has gone wrong, with the birth, it’s all gone wrong and she’s having a caesarean and …”

             
“Women have caesareans every day,” he said calmly, “I think you need to calm down.”

             
“No,” I said defiantly, “you didn’t hear Vinnie, he’s alone and scared and he sounds like he thinks she’s going to bloody die.”

             
“Are you …”

             
“Listen Kyle, I don’t have time to deliberate this on the phone, I need to get home, and I want to go home where my best friend is currently having her baby out cold whilst her husband cries on his own in a waiting room. Regardless of the outcome I want to be there, they need me.”

             
“Right,” he said, “I’m on my way.”

             
Kyle was home within half an hour, and we loaded the two cases I had packed into his car.

             
“I can bring the rest of your stuff another time,” he said.

             
“Are you coming, I mean are you coming with me now? You can stay and come at weekend.”

             
He placed his hand in mine, “I’m coming now. If you’re being there for everyone else, I’ll be there for you.” He kissed me, and I accepted his strength. I smiled tightly to him and we hit the road. “I’ve told Geraldine that I’ll be back Monday.”

             
“I bet she was chuffed.” I laughed sarcastically.

             
“Ecstatic.” He rolled his eyes.

             
We drove in companionable silence back home, as I anxiously awaited information from Vinnie. Kyle held my hand from time to time, and he could tell how anxious I was. The plans we had had for the weekend seemed so inconsequential now that Ashley’s life and that of her baby were held in the balance. It had been 1 pm when we managed to set off and despite a short stop for toilet breaks and to grab a sandwich, we could see Blackpool tower, the local landmark, by 6.30 pm. It had been a quick trip and Vinnie had called me twice. He called to say that she was out of surgery, he had seen baby Stanley as he was whisked off to special care, but he hadn’t seen Ashley. He said she was in recovery but still unconscious.

             
At around 6 pm he called to say that they were sending him home, he had seen Stanley and touched his hand through the incubator. The baby was in shock and his heart rate had been low, he was jaundiced, and he needed to be monitored for the next twenty-four hours. He had seen Ashley, but she was being kept in a medically induced coma for the night as she had lost a lot of blood and needed to recover. I told him that we would be in Lytham within the hour and would meet him at his house.

             
The tears began to fall as Kyle directed the car through Lytham to Ashley’s house. I had shouted out the address on the way off the motorway. “I need to man up,” I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand, “Vinnie can’t see me like this, I need to be strong.”

             
“You will be.” Kyle patted my hand. “You’ll be fine when you see him.”              Kyle pulled up outside of Vinnie and Ashley’s beautiful red brick semi. They had lovingly decorated it together and I knew there was a little blue nursery ready for baby Stanley: a room that headstrong Ashley had micromanaged Vinnie to produce. We parked behind Vinnie’s car and I flung the door open to get to the front door, Kyle followed calmly behind and held my hand as we waited for Vinnie to answer the door.

             
He pulled the heavy black door open and stood there a crumpled man.

             
“Oh Soph,” he said, looking completely forlorn. “What a shitty day.”

             
I gave him a brave smile and engulfed him in a hug, “What a fuckin” understatement.” I sighed.

             
Once we got inside, Kyle made three cups of tea, and I sat with Vinnie in the lounge, my hand on his whilst he recounted the day’s events and choked back tears. “It was like a bloody horror story,” he said glumly.

             
“One minute she says she feels sick, I get her a drink, and then her words start slurring and her head falls back and I’ve never seen so much blood.” He stared blankly ahead.

             
“Oh shit,” I said.

             
“Then I’m pushed out the way, I mean like instantly, and of course they’re all trying to save her, but God I thought … she’s dead or dying … and our baby.” He sniffed and wiped away tears that didn’t quite fall. “It’s like you plan the baby, you plan everything, and then everything just goes to shit and … I might lose it all.”

             
“You won’t, you’re going to be fine, it’s all going to be fine.”

             
Kyle came into the lounge and placed three cups of tea on the coffee table. “All right mate.” He gave Vinnie a tight smile.

             
“Hi mate,” Vinnie said quietly, jumping up and shaking Kyle’s hand. “Long time no see.”

             
“Yeah.” Kyle nodded, “Sorry about Ashley.”

             
Vinnie nodded and sat back down. “Don’t know about you two, but I could do with something stronger to take the edge off this.” He showed us his hands and they were shaking. “I won’t sleep tonight without something.”

             
“Okay.” I sprung up. “What’ve you got?”

             
“We’ve got some vodka, or sambuca? I think whiskey, too.”

             
“Which do you want?” I asked, making my way out to the kitchen.

             
“Get the whiskey,” he shouted as I made my way to their kitchen cupboard where the alcohol was stocked.

             
We sat with him drinking until he almost fell asleep sat on the sofa. I had texted Mum earlier to tell her what had happened and called her with updates as I received them. Vinnie went to bed at around ten, I tidied up the lounge and washed up so he wouldn’t wake up to a mess, and then Kyle called us a taxi. He stood behind me and kissed me as we pulled the front door behind us and waited in the summer night for the cab.

             
“Poor guy.” He sighed.

             
“I know,” I said quietly, “I can’t imagine what he’s bloody been through and Ashley, it sounds bloody awful.”

             
“I can’t imagine what it feels like to think your wife is going to die.”

             
“Heartbreaking, I expect.” I said, my voice wavering again at the thought of Ashley alone in a hospital bed.

             
“Love you,” he whispered, kissing my head.

             
“Love you, too.”

We arrived home to an illuminated house. Our parents were still up and sitting in the conservatory. They had a bottle of opened wine on the table and were staring intently at several playing cards in their hands.

             
“Sophie.” Mum sprung up and threw her cards face down on the table. “Oh Sophie,” she crowed, walking briskly to me and embracing me. “You look.” She held me at arms length taking in my full appearance. “Tired.” She nodded. “You look good, but tired.”

             
I shook my head, “Love you too, Mum.” She pulled me into a hug again and squeezed me tightly.

             
Mick made his way over to us and shook Kyle’s hand. “Son.” He nodded.

             
“Dad.” Kyle nodded.

             
“Wine?” Mick asked us both.

             
“Okay,” Kyle said, looking at me.

             
“One glass,” I grimaced, “I’ve already had enough at Vinnie’s.”

             
“Oh God how is he?” Mum asked.

             
“All right.” I scrunched my nose up at the thought. “He’ll be fine, so long as Ashley is fine.”