Just Between Us (36 page)

             
“I love Kyle,” I said matter-of-factly. She continued to look at me and then cocked her head to the side, letting my words sink in.

             
“What?” she crinkled her nose slightly and withdrew her hands

             
“It’s such a long story, but what you just said, about Mick, I feel the same way … about Kyle.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her, watching for any reaction and my heart was drumming uncontrollably as my biggest fear was realised. I was finally telling my mum.

             
“This summer?” she asked, her mouth slightly agape.

             
I nodded, “This summer and before … way before Simon, before uni,, the last summer after sixth form. We had … a thing.” I winced as she connected the dots.

             
“Oh my goodness,” she said, her hand over her mouth. “That’s … ten years.”

             
“Oh we haven’t been, I mean after that summer it was all over, we went to uni, and that was that. I tried to forget about him, tried to bury my feelings so that no one would ever have to know. I suppose I was ashamed, and I thought everyone would gossip, then he came here and offered me some escape.”             

             
She raised an eyebrow at me.

             
“It wasn’t like that, we were friends that last summer before uni as well, we became close, and then he was just trying to help me get over Simon by taking me away from everything.”

             
“So …” she began, sitting back in her chair. “I take it you re-kindled things then.”

             
“Yes but only after a while. We had a great time as friends got on fabulously and Mum …. I realised that I never felt an inkling of the way I feel about Kyle for anyone else.”

             
“Oh Sophie.” She put her head in her hands and I watched her intently, I had no idea where this was going and was worried that she may cry again. Instead I heard a bark of laughter, was it laughter? Then she threw her head back and the laughter began to roll out of her, perhaps a little manically. “I’m so stupid.” She smiled.

             
“What?” I asked stunned by her response.

             
“It all fits together now, that night you broke your arm, Kyle’s reaction and then you two being … friends after years of indifference.” She laughed again. “Then he stayed away purposely, because you two had broken up?”

             
I shook my head. “I don’t think so, I think he just found a new life and he never felt like that was his home.”

             
“Trust me,” she eyed me widely, “he stayed away and some of the hovels he has lived in were definitely less homely than our house.”

             
“Okay maybe it had something to do with me.”

             
“So,” she shook her head, “if you love each other why are you here and him there?”

             
I groaned and covered my face with my hands, suddenly uncomfortable with her probing. “I messed it all up, we decided that we were going to try and make it work and then … I chickened out I suppose, I couldn’t bear to tell you and Mick and for all my friends to know I loved my step-brother.”

             
She nodded. “Not ideal and your dad …” She sighed.

             
“I know, he won’t be on board.”

             
“No, but,” she leaned forward and took my hands again, “speaking as your mother who has watched you deal with so much pain just a few months ago and when I saw you two come home after Ashley’s drama, despite that, I knew my baby was healed.” She squeezed my hands, “and I was so glad. When Kyle left suddenly a part of you went with him, and I wished I could see that happiness again. I suppose I never considered that you were more than friends, I must be stupid.” She laughed, “but life is short Sophie, life is so short and cruel and hard and to be honest if you fell in love with a man on death row I would find a way to deal with it because I love you.” She sighed. “I love you more than anything or anyone else that could ever enter my life. You are my world, and all I ever want is for you to be happy.”

             
“Are you angry? Freaked out? Disgusted?”

             
She laughed lightly again and took a fry from the table between us. “I’m surprised,” she said, nodding, “but I love Kyle, he’s a great young man and even though you two are step-siblings and this will take some getting used to, for everyone … I can’t think of anyone else that I would rather have look after you.”

             
“Really?” I grinned widely at her.

             
“That smile.” She nodded to me. “That smile tells me that I have to accept this, as I need to see that smile more.”

             
“But Mum … I’ve messed it all up,” I said sadly.

             
“No,” she shook her head, “if it’s as strong as you say then by God you can save it.”

             
“Thanks Mum, thanks for understanding and sorry I had to blurt it out on the worst day of your life.”

             
“I’m glad you did.” She squeezed my hand, “there is nothing you can’t tell me Sophie, whenever and wherever you wish. The only travesty is that sometimes I don’t listen. Maybe I should have listened earlier.”

             
“No,” I shook my head, “I couldn’t bring myself to tell you and now, after today and seeing Mick on that machine, I knew I had to fight for Kyle because if I don’t then I’ll let the love of my love just walk away.” My voice broke a little.

             
“Oh darling.” She jumped up to hug me. “Those bloody Hanson men; they’ll be the end of us.” I jumped up to hug her and let her soothe me and wondered why I had never confided in her before. Mum always made everything better, and that was why Mick loved her so much. He had to be okay because my mum did not deserve to lose him, not now.

We arrived home about 10.30pm. We made our way inside, and I flicked the kettle on, it may be a long night, as I doubted Mum would sleep. We settled into the lounge with the fire on and some mindless television when I heard the thunder of Kyle’s car and the door fling open shortly after.

             
“Sophie!” he shouted, running inside, “Mags.”

             
We rushed out to meet him in the hallway and he put his arms out for both of us to run into them. The three of us stood in the hallway, hugging each other, arms intertwined. Mum began to cry again, and I just looked up to Kyle with tears in my eyes. He gave me a tight smile and kissed my forehead. I fell into him and allowed myself to feast on his strength. This was who Kyle was to me, to us, he was our steadying fourth member who made us whole. I had missed him, and I silently sobbed, not just for Mick and my mum, but with relief that he was here. No matter how fleetingly and no matter that I may have realised some pretty important things far too late in the day. He was here now. He was mine, if even just for this moment.

Twenty-Eight
– Just listen

Now

The next morning we were able to see Mick again. Kyle drove me to collect my car before we set off to the hospital because I couldn’t leave it in the school car park forever, and I phoned Dana to explain the situation. The night before we had all gone to bed and tried to sleep, I could hear Kyle’s television in the next room, but I had no idea how to approach what I wanted to say. It wasn’t the right time to tell him that I loved him, missed him and desperately wanted to make things work. His dad was on death’s door, and our relationship really wasn’t his main focus.

             
“I’m glad you’re here,” I said glumly as we drove to the small school where I worked.

             
“Where else would I be?” he asked glancing at me. “He’s my dad, Sophie, despite everything I still love him.”

             
“I know.” I nodded, “I … I suppose …” I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. I wanted to tell him that by just being here he made it all so much easier and that he always made everything okay. He sensed my struggle and took my hand as he drove, giving it a gentle squeeze.

             
“I’m always here for you,” he whispered. “What I said on the phone, the way I was …” he sighed. “I’ll always be here for you no matter what.”

             
“Same,” I said to him smiling. “Mick is going to be fine,” I uttered.

             
“I know.” He nodded confidently. “He’s unsinkable.”

When we arrived at the hospital, a doctor sat down with us to explain Mick’s condition. He was still critical but stable, he hadn’t regained consciousness and there had been lack of oxygen to the brain so they couldn’t rule anything out at this stage. It was a waiting game, and we had to sit around and will him to come back to us. We sat for a couple of hours and then mum urged us to go home. She knew about us now, but obviously Kyle had no idea, and I think she wanted to give me chance to speak to him, but I couldn’t not at the moment.

             
“Go home you two, no sense us all being here. I’ll read to him a bit. You go and get him some clean pyjamas and things, take over later on.”

             
“Okay,” we said together. I hugged Mum and squeezed her. “Ring me immediately if there is any change,” I said.

             
“Of course,” she said tightly.

             
“See you in a bit,” Kyle said.

We drove home sombrely and the half an hour journey seemed to take forever. “Do you want to go home?” he asked.

             
“Well, where else would we go?” I asked.

             
“I just can’t face it.” He sighed, “and what would we do? I can’t bear the thought of them being there and us … helpless.”

             
“I know.” I looked down at my hands. “Let’s get rugged up and go for a walk?” I proposed.

             
He nodded. “Sounds good.” We pulled into our driveway, went inside and set about dressing in our warmest clothes as the December air had a cold nip. I pulled my Ugg boots over my jeans, put on an extra jumper, scarf, and my warmest gloves. I rejoined Kyle in the hallway where he wore similar attire and smiled at me. There were plenty of country lanes around, and as kids we had known them all, sneaking around behind our parent’s backs or jogging when the mood took us. Kyle was always into fitness.

             
We stepped into the crisp, winter air, and I took a deep breath. Kyle locked up and turned towards me with a tentative smile. I reciprocated and he held his hand out for me. I looked down at it and my insides set on fire. My heart began to drum in my chest and the simple gesture made me feel ecstatic. I took his gloved hand, and we began our walk.

             
We chatted easily, following a route that ran through our new estate and into an area of older farming houses that were dotted along a country lane. There were people walking dogs, and cyclists enjoying a ride, despite the cold. Kyle filled me in on things that had happened since I left London and I told him about Stanley, Ashley, and my house sale.

             
Eventually we reached a field that we had crossed many times before. It could be muddy as it was crossed by many pedestrians but the frost meant that it certainly wasn’t boggy today and the wintery scene was just beautiful to behold, the short grass slightly grey with frost, the sky endlessly clear and blue. It was so wonderful to feel so warm and yet be surrounded by such intense cold. We reached the other side of the field and I had to follow Kyle as the path became thinner and overtaken by some shrubbery, eventually we reached the clearing that we knew was there and a large pond that sat inside the next field. It wasn’t man-made. It was natural and had been here for years. Some men even fished here, with little spoils I’m sure.

             
“Kyle,” I said turning to him.

             
He looked at me.

             
“I still love you.” I sighed.

             
He nodded.

             
“I told my mum,” I blurted out, despite knowing he needed space, despite knowing this perhaps wasn’t the right time, but I wanted this. I wanted him, and I wanted him to know that I wasn’t afraid any more.

             
He coughed lightly, “What?” he said.

             
“Look, I know it’s probably not the right time with Mick and everything, but when we were at the hospital I realised that life is just so short, and she told me how much she loved him, always had, and I realised that that’s how much I love you.” I took a deep breath, “If I had to live without you, knew I could never see you again, it would be devastating. I would hate for you to never know that you’re my everything, and always have been. That’s what I told her.”

             
“And?” He looked to me with concern.

             
“And she was fine,” I laughed, “she was just so … fine. I have no idea why I didn’t tell her sooner.”

             
He nodded and I watched him to see how he would react. Was there any hope? Could I ever make up for pushing him away so many times? “I don’t expect you to forgive me, Kyle, I have been a complete idiot, pushing you away and doubting that I could live with people I don’t even CARE about gossiping about me. It just hit me, I mean, I always knew I loved you, but it hit me that the only person who’s opinion ever really mattered to me … was yours.” I whispered the last part. “I’ve been too scared to give us a chance because I worried too much about what people thought and now ... it’s too late.”

             
He turned to me with his scarf wrapped around his neck, shivering slightly, in less layers than me, and I realised that I had never seen him look more beautiful. He nodded lightly. “You can’t know how this will turn out, Soph, we might give it a go, everyone might gossip and then … it might not work out.”

             
“It will,” I said stepping towards him, feeling a faint glimmer of hope. “But when I screw up, when I doubt us, you can’t just run away like you always do, you need to stay … help me figure it out,” I said softly.

             
He nodded. “There are no certainties, look at your parents and mine, both divorced.”

             
“We’re not like them,” I said softly. “Do you forgive me, Kyle? Can we please give this a chance? Can you please just be mine?” I made another tentative step, and he watched me approach.

             
He put his hand out for me and pulled me the rest of the way into his arms. “I’ve always been yours, you idiot,” he said into my hair, “no one else’s I’d rather be.”

             
I looked up into those beautiful eyes and mine swam with emotion. He kissed me, slow at first and then increasingly more urgently.

             
“No more messing around,” I said, “everyone needs to know that we come as a set.”

             
“Like salt and pepper?” he asked.

             
“Exactly.” I nodded, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him again. “I love you.”

             
“Thank fucking God,” he replied, and he laughed as he kissed me back.