Kimber (12 page)

“I
did see it but not on the news.”

 “Then
how?”

The
only response Lena gives me is a slight tap on her temple. Feeling a little
freaked out and very uncomfortable I fight the urge to make a b-line back to
Luke.

“Your
mother and I were very close. It was through that bond that I learned of her
death.” Lena explains.

“You
think your psychic?” I say with sarcasm. My tone does not seem to bother Lena.
Having spent years in this treatment center, I’m sure she has heard it all.

“Do
I see the future? Only when it’s given to me to see. Can I see inside someone,
see the pain they suffer, the lies they tell? Yes. But only when I’m meant to.
I like to think of myself as hypersensitive. Calling myself psychic is so,
well, over done with all the phonies out there.”

I
stifle a laugh. I’ll give her the benefit of doubt, I’ll take the bait. “Did
you see my mother’s death before it happened?” I wait holding my breath.

Psycho
or psychic I try to remember I can only take what she says as mere craziness.
Even so, against my will my body stiffens.

Reaching
over to me Lena takes my hand. Her sincerity holds my gaze. “No.” Is her only
response.

 My
muscles release their tight grip on my bones and I exhale.

Lena
keeps her eyes locked on mine. A shiver runs up my spine making me tremble. I
feel uneasy. Like some part of me is trying to escape. I move to take my hand
from hers but she increases her grip. I look around for someone, anyone who can
pry me from her. Where’s an orderly when you need one?

“Look
at me Kimber!” Her voice is stern, demanding, just like my mother’s when she
commanded my attention. “Your eyes. They’re different. There not the same as
I’ve seen before.”

 “Before?”
It’s psycho babble
, I tell myself. Though I admit, I’m intrigued. I wait
for an answer but Lena simply stands and starts to walk away. “What’s wrong
with my eyes?” I rise to my feet, follow her as she walks swiftly ahead of me
and further into the open yard. “Lena please! Stop!” I call after her.

 She
stops dead in her tracks under a large willow tree and turns swiftly towards
me.

“I
hate to cut this short but I think its best you go now.” The demand in her
voice is gone and replaced with a soft remorse tone. She won’t look at me.
Instead she searches the yard, maybe now she wishes for the orderly that won’t
come.

“No.”
I hesitate as I take a step at a time closer to her. “You say there’s something
wrong with my eyes, yet you’ve never seen me. You’ve either completely gone
nuts or....” I stop ashamed of myself. I did not come here to hurt her or call
her the names I’m sure haunt her in her sleep. “How am I different?”

I
do not know why I ask but the unnatural visions I’ve had of Leo have left me
feeling less than normal. Maybe Lena could be onto something. Or maybe I’m just
a fool trying to understand. 

I
see Lena struggling, perhaps wishing she’d just kept quite. It’s too late for
that. I move forward until I’m next to her. I’m not going anywhere until I get
an answer.

“I’ve
seen you before through your mother’s eyes.” She pauses and looks me in the
eyes. “Even though they’re the same almond color as Marie’s, when I look at
you, a part of you is gone. Who you should be is gone. It’s a warning, Kimber.
There’s more than the darkness you feel around you. You’re courting trouble.”

I
shake my head confused. Her words run through my brain in bits and pieces but
like a puzzle without the most crucial piece, nothing fits.

“Of
course I’m angry. I feel dark, unsure and sometimes I’m so overcome with grief
and guilt I can barely find a good reason I should see the day through. I lost
my mother! Any fake psychic could tell me the crazy things you say. You’re
mentally and chemically unbalanced. You don’t see the future. You can’t see in
or through people. You only think you can and that’s why you’re in here!”

I
do not care enough to see the line I have crossed. I just can’t take it! The
nonsense she speaks. The unemotional way she shows no remorse for her dead
sister. I want to shake the crazy out of her.

“Believe
what you want. But don’t tell me you’ve looked in the mirror and haven’t been
frightened by what looks back at you. Your grief has made you susceptible.
You’re changing into someone else. Someone you’re not meant to be.”

“Just
stop, ok! You’re acting like I’ve been possessed. And quite frankly you’re
freaking me out!” 

Lena
smirks, but when she sees I’m serious and not the least bit amused, her smile
fades. “No. Not possessed. Just that there is a dark presence near you.”

 Sarcastically
I laugh. The only dark thing around me is her mental stability.

 “I
did what I came here to do. It was nice meeting you Lena.”

I
turn to leave but what she says next stops me dead in my tracks. Sending what
feels like a swift hit to my gut through me.

“You
have and I know it wasn’t easy, thank you. There is one thing you forgot to ask
about, Leo.”

I
gasp. “That’s impossible.” I spin around to face her. 

“Still
think I’m crazy?” Lena asks with a smile.

Crazy
or not is something I might have to reevaluate. She touches my shoulder and
steps closer bridging the space between us.

 “He
came to me before he left. What leaving you did to him was evident. He looked
broken, distraught.” 

I
don’t know how to take what she says. I don’t know if I can trust what she
says. The Leo she speaks of sounds nothing like the Leo from last night.

“How
do you know him?” I ask but Lena continues as though she does not hear me.

“He
won’t answer the questions your afraid to ask. It’s better that way. Most
people regret it when they learn what nightmares are made of.”

I
step away from her reach. “You’re lying. You’re trying to scare me. You want me
to believe you have a psychic gift? Prove it!”

“Why
is it so hard for you to accept me? To understand the gift I was born with?
Your mother believed. Why can’t you?” A pained look on her face tells me to
lighten up and try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

A
part of me wants to see it, wants to believe it. But I know it’ll be a letdown.
What she claims to be is impossible. It does not exist.

“My
mother always saw things in people no one else could. She was an optimist. I
guess I’ve grown to be a skeptic. I’m sorry for being harsh and judgmental.
This isn’t easy.”

I
lower my head. I feel ashamed. I can’t help but think of how my mother would
have scolded me for being so unkind to my own family. Lena gently places her
hand back on my shoulder. Secretly I wonder what’s with all the touching?

“It
never is. Can I tell you a secret?” She asks as I raise my head to her. “The
cut on your head that you’re trying to hide under that nude bandage is from you
falling and hitting it on the bathroom sink the night of Tommy’s party. You
hate the fact that your two closest friends tried to coax you into taking
depression medication the morning after getting that nasty little gash stitched
up. You’d do it all over again to get Mike D. to say Leo’s name. Of course none
of this is really a secret to either of us but the way you felt when your
friends labeled you is the same way I feel when I get labeled crazy for
something that is beyond my control.”

Like
a wide eyed deer, I stare at her. She smiles back at me. Finally realizing she
has found a way to make me believe.

“As
for the real secret, well, let’s just say I’m sure Marie wouldn’t have wanted
to know about the time you snuck out of the house when you were seventeen just
to go to a house party where you nearly didn’t get away in time before the cops
pulled up and arrested six people for underage drinking.”

I
recall that night and how afraid Amber and I were. “I didn’t drink.” I say
testing her.

“You
had two bottles of beer and you know it!” Lena responds. I smile, confirming
she is right.

I
do not understand it. I do not know if I really ever will. Nevertheless, I know
now that I cannot deny that the gift Lena claims she has is real. There is no
way she could know how I got the cut on my head or the one and only time I
snuck out of my house. There is no one who could have told her any of it.

“Ok.
Let’s say I believe you.”

 “I
was born with my gift. Back when I was a child, doing what I can do wasn’t
accepted. Marie was the only one who never judged me. But others did. That’s
how I ended up here. Now this is my home and I’m happy. But this is good. It
makes things easier if you believe me because when it comes to Leo, he’s a
whole different story.” Lena smirks.

“What
do you mean?”

 “I
think it’s better he explain his actions to you.”

“Yeah,
well I refuse to be told that someone who I thought would care about me, left
me the night before my mother’s memorial, and doesn’t see what he wants when
looking at me, is someone I should want in my life.”

 “Anything
can be forgiven if you choose to forgive.”

“No.
It’s better this way. I can’t imagine willingly opening myself up for heartache
.”

“Do
what you think is necessary. Only you know what you need and what you can take.
As for Leo, well; only time can tell with that one.”

“You
talk to him? Why do you even know each other?”

Lena
laughs, like there’s an inside joke I’m not privy to. “We have a mutual
interest.”

“None
of this makes sense.” I feel aggravated.

 “Stop
trying to understand the reason for why everything happens. You won’t find one.
I know I haven’t. You’re young, the world is at your command. Make it what you
want. As time passes any lingering emotions you have for Leo will dissipate.” 

“You
sound like my mom used to when she would give me pep talks.” I say, saddened by
the memory and thankful to feel a piece of her still with me.

“She
was good at it. Maybe that’s where I get it from.” Lena says with a dull smile.
Now the pain shows on her face. The sadness she feels for the loss of her
sister as she recalls a far away memory. 

As
my visit with Lena ends, she asks one final thing of me. “You’d be wise to not
go off into the world telling people your aunt is psychic. Take it from me.
They’ll only think you’re crazy.”

“I
promise. It’s our secret.” I say while I wrap my arms around her and squeeze
her tight. For the first time in months I say a silent prayer of thanks to
still have someone in my life I can call family.

With
Lena and I both promising to keep in close contact I say my final goodbye and
leave her standing in a beautiful open snow covered garden. I steal one last
look at her and even though I’ll pay for it later, I allow myself to think it
is my mother that waves back to me.

“HOW’D
IT GO?” Luke asks standing inside the lobby.

I
keep my promise to Lena. Just thinking the words before I say them makes me
feel ashamed for the preconceived notion I had when I walked into the facility.

 “She’s
definitely where she needs to be.” I retort.

Luke
never asks another question about Lena as we spend the next four days in New
York City. The less I have to lie to him about the more I can enjoy our mini
vacation. Besides, is it considered a lie when the truth is hidden to protect
family? What about tiny little white lies? They’re more like stretching the
truth a little. So do they really count? Either way I don’t feel guilty.

            Considering
all the time we have spent together, when we return home to Florida, Luke and I
decide to give each other some breathing room. This way we can settle back into
the swing of normal life and not become tired of one another. Even when you
care about someone you  need your own space.

Our
week away helped in building a strong foundation for our relationship but I
need a little time for me. I need time to do what has been in the back of my
mind for the past week. Now that I have some recollection of Leo my plan is
simple. To search every inch of my house for one picture, card, anything that
will help me better understand why he left me the way he did. Maybe it’s a
pride thing but even if the truth kills me I need an answer to ease my mind.
Maybe even cry a little. Get whatever it is out of my system in order to free
myself. 

I
look through every little nook and cranny. Upstairs and down. In the garage and
up in the attic. I spend hours looking only to come up empty handed. By the end
of my search I’m left feeling distraught and having more questions than I
started out with. Clearly, Leo was meticulous in planning his escape. Nothing
in, outside or around me shows any evidence of him. I hate that he’s left nothing
behind and denied me everything.

              Weeks fly
through my calendar. Eventually I’m unable to take the constant memories and
reminders my home brings of the past and of my mother. So I sell it to a young
married couple. Free of the walls that have bound me like a caged bird, I buy a
condominium for myself near the beach.