Kimber (15 page)

I wake in the lower
cabin of the yacht. My knee is wrapped in an Ace bandage and aches with a
tenderness.  I recall feeling like I wouldn’t make it but I didn’t think I’d
pass out. I dread hearing and seeing the worried faces of my friends. I can
imagine I’ve just filled the ammo in their unipolar arsenal. But I don’t care.
I’m just happy to be safe.

            I open the
cabin door to hear, nothing. I walk up the stairs to the deck but instead of
finding my friends, he’s here, sitting, waiting. My heart catches in my throat.
My whole body seizes up. When he sees me, he stands. It’s obvious he’s as
unsure of what to do.

            “Your knee
was swelling. I hope it’s not wrapped too tight.” He motions to my left leg.

“You
did this?”                                              

“Aye.
The second thing they teach you in soccer is how to take care of your knees.”

“And
the first?”

“How
to use your head. Literally.” He smiles at me. It’s warm and genuine. “Well, I
just had to make sure you were ok.” He turns to leave.

“Wait!
Don’t go.”

He
furrows his brow. His bluish green eyes lock onto mine. The edges of his square
jaw flex in and out. I wish he’d just do or say what we’re both waiting for.

“I
know who you are. You already walked out on me once. Can you really do it
again?”

He
looks away, perplexed but the lack of acknowledging who I know him to be hasn’t
escaped me. 

“Come
with me.” He asks.

“Where?”

“Dinner.”

                                                                                   
                                                      The lighting inside the
swanky urban Bistro is dim and the tables provide an intimate and private
ambiance. The menu is anything but affordable. I tell him I’ve already eaten so
Leo opts for the restaurant’s finest birthday dessert.

We
sit and wait in awkward silence. I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. I
punish myself for letting him get in my head so easily. I hate how I wish he’d
just reach for my hand.

His
eyes sparkle in the light. The guilty, self-suffering look on his face makes
him that much sexier. What is it about a sexy bruiting man? It’s like a wounded
puppy in need of a hug. And at this moment, I’d overlook every incident to feel
his skin under my own.

He
shifts uncomfortably in his chair. I feel his eyes on me when he thinks I’m not
looking.

“Why
the sudden change?” I venture out into the dark abyss. I hope he won’t leave me
hanging.

“I—”

He’s
cut off by the sound of approaching birthday cheer. The song reminds me of the
time Tiffany told me that in restaurants employees are encouraged to sing “Happy
Birthday” to themselves twice while washing their hands to ensure the proper
hand cleanliness. I remember trying it later that night. It took too long.

I
stare at the massive brownie sundae before me. Leo picks up his spoon. “Ladies
first.”

“Not
‘til you answer me.”

“There’s
no change. This is a moment of weakness.”

I
sigh and lean back in my chair. “Then why don’t you just go.”

“I
don’t seem to be able to.”

“Are
you always this complicated?”

“Lena
told me you went to her. She told me what she said to you. I had to see for
myself.”

“What,
my eyes? Take a good look, they’re still mine.”

“I’ve
also never missed your birthday.”

“Spare
me. I don’t remember a single thing about you. Yet I can’t explain why I feel
all charged up around you. I’ve had all I can take in one night. I just wanna
go home.”

“I’ll
take you.”

“Yeah,
leave my friends behind and hitch a ride with a total stranger?”

“There’s
a freckle that looks like a heart on your left shoulder.” He places his elbows
on the table and leans in closer. “Your middle name is Marie. At summer camp
you came in second place in the foosball competition. Your favorite band is
Paramore. You do this sexy little nose wrinkle thing every time you sneeze. I could
go on all night.”

I
look at him across the table. There’s a sense of déjà vu there. Like my body
remembers him. How it feels to touch him, kiss him.
No!
I can’t give
myself away. I can’t feel like that just to lose out again. Besides, what Leo
did is unforgiveable and I’m sure whatever reason he has for leaving is even
worse. 

“Don’t
expect something from me I can’t give. I’m not the girl you left behind. I
can’t love you.”

“I
just want to take you home.” He tries to hide the emotion caused by what I’ve
said. He does a good job of it.

“Alright.”
I could fight it all I want but it’s inevitable.

 LEO’S
TRUCK IS massive and mean looking. It’s some sort of Ford Super Duty. It makes
me feel safe and untouchable. It sits up so high that I can see at least four
car lengths ahead.

Before
leaving Miami I went back to the yacht and left a note for Amber. I expect
tomorrow I’ll get a not so nice phone call from her. I deserve it. Though
staying and facing Luke after what happened just wasn’t an option. I don’t know
how or if we’ll ever be able to patch things up but tonight it wasn’t going to
happen.

Had
there been another option other than riding back with Leo I would have taken
it. I hate the uncomfortable awkwardness. It’s anxious uneasiness. Like every
word has to be carefully considered. Body movement is analyzed for hidden
codes. And while I drive yourself crazy, on the outside I hope to appear less
than concerned.

With
Leo, I don’t even know where to start. He has every answer I need but none I
want to hear. I can’t be the girl he knows, so I see no reason in asking. I do
wonder if my heart always skipped this way when he was around. If we laughed
together and if so what was it like? Did we share inside jokes only the two of
us knew. Would he hold my hand just because he wanted to? I imagine the answers
and long to be the person I should be. A person who could be happy with him.
Someone who hadn’t experience a heart stealing loss.

When
my mother was murdered, I lost more than myself. I lost my purpose. I had been
so kind and giving. I was positive and polite. I was always the first to fix a
bad situation. I’d spent eighteen years kissing ass and getting walked on in
the process. The sad thing is I didn’t care. I was happy. And at the end of
each day I thanked God for everything I had. The one and only time I need a
complete stranger to show the kind of compassion and mercy I’d spent years
giving, the exact moment karma is designed for, there was nothing. Every good deed
had gone unpaid.

I
realize now that bad things are designed for good people. Horrible, mean people
are the only ones who get what they want because they take it. If my mother’s
death taught me anything, it’s that I’d been playing on the wrong side my whole
life. I should have been the rich snotty bitch who didn’t give a care about
anyone. 

“You
away with the fairies over there?” Leo asks with that Aussie-
ish
accent.

“What?”
I laugh. “Is that even a real accent?”

“Aye.
I’m proud to be a New Zealander.”

“I
would have said Aussie.”

“I’ll
let that go.” He jokes smiling out at the road.  

“So
what does it mean, away with the fairies?”

“It
means someone’s daydreaming.”

“Daydreams,
they’re nothing more than empty wishes.”

I’m
such an idiot. Here he is trying to start a light conversation and I killed it.
The awkward clearing of his throat confirms my suspicion. I sink back into my
seat.

“If
you get tired we could pull over; get a room.”

I
look warily at him. “Thanks, but I’ll be ok.”

“I
didn’t.” He pauses and starts again. “I just thought.” He sighs this time
quitting before digging himself deeper. Why does it seem impossible for us to
be able to talk and maybe say the right thing?

“Look,
why don’t we stop this.”

“Stop
what?” On impulse I sit up a little straighter.

“Acting
like we’re strangers.”

I
stare at him from across the car. There’s a small bump on the bridge of his
nose. Maybe it was once broken. With every street light we pass, I look for
some sort of resemblance to a person I once knew.

“To
me, you are a stranger.”  

What
is he doing?
I start to panic as Leo veers onto the
shoulder and places the truck in park.

 “Kimber.”

“No.”
I blurt out.

“I
wasn’t going to ask you a question.”

I
dare to look at him. His gray eyes are hypnotizing. “I want to clear the air. I
did the wrong thing by coming back. Now I fear I can’t leave.” I nod even
though I know he still hasn’t asked any questions. His thick lashes fold down
instead of out. I try to imagine how he can see through them. “I don’t regret
what I did. I won’t ask for forgiveness.”

 His
words are like a sobering splash of cold water. “You should. You’d never get my
forgiveness, but you should want it. How cold are you to leave someone you love
in that condition, at that time?” 

 “Love?”

I
sit back, wounded by his question. “You loved me. I still feel it.”

I
wonder if he’ll deny it? I know it’s the truth. I’ve felt a part of him with me
this whole time. It’s why subconsciously I couldn’t forget him.

In
the darkness of the trucks cabin, Leo smiles, satisfied with my realization.
“Like amnesia.”

“Ok,
I don’t know what that means.” I say aggravated. I hate his little hidden
messages and how just when something about him clicks inside me, he ruins it by
talking.

“How
about this. Why don’t I tell you a little something about me?”

He
looks at me to see if I’m up for it. I shrug. Whatever, at most maybe I’ll
remember something.

“Four
years ago while my father and I were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico we got
caught in a storm we didn’t see coming. The waves rammed the boat causing the
engine to stall. While I tried to fasten my life jacket, a swell hit our boat
knocking me into the water. My father had no time to reach for me or throw in
the life raft before I went under. The waves swallowed me. I can’t remember
exactly what it felt like to drown but I can remember what I heard as I slowly
sank toward the bottom of the Gulf. It wasn’t an out of body experience. I
didn’t see a bright white light. There was just a siren. It was loud and made
every muscle in me ache. I remember screaming. Maybe it was the water pressure
but it felt like I was being broken. I remember thinking I was going to die and
all I wanted was to say goodbye to you.”

I
turn to the window so he can’t see the tear I wipe from my eye.

“Somehow
I managed to surface. I woke in the hospital two days later feeling reborn. You
were the first person I saw. You were so worried and panicked. I don’t think
you slept the whole time I was out. I made a promise to you that day. I’ve
spent every waking moment keeping it.” 

I
clear my throat and whisper in the cabin of the truck, “Why tell me this?”

“Because
you can look at me and hate me for what I did. I need you to understand.”

“What?
Why? So you can sleep at night? You did what you did. The way I look at you,
what else am I suppose to see?”

He
portrays no sign of attempting to answer me. As if the last few moments never
happened he sits there unaffected and untouched by what’s been said. I hate how
guys can withdraw all emotion so easily and at will.

He
pulls back onto the road driving us into the night.

Just as the sun is
threatening to light the sky, Leo pulls into the parking garage of my
condominium. He parks by the elevators and turns the ignition off.

            I don’t
know what or if anything official should be said. For the last few hours I’ve
driven myself crazy with questions just to sit here now with no answers. I’m no
closer to remembering him or understanding why I can’t. All I want to do is
look in his hazel eyes and hear him talk without denying his accent. I want to
know him, to feel him, to see things he keeps from everyone else. To him I want
to be seen as important but it’s all a foolish daydream. To love him the way I
fear I might means I’d have to open a part of me to which I have no key. The
thought itself is terrifying. I take a few deep breaths to fight the onset of a
panic attack.

“I
can walk you up.”

“Um,
no that’s ok.”
Please walk me up,
I beg in my mind
.

“Ok.”

He
runs his hands up his face and through his hair. His hands cup the back of his
head as he yawns and arches his back. As his arms come back down his right
brushes against my left on the center console. A humming vibe flows through me.
I feel warm and relaxed. I sit for a second enjoying the feel. It’s inviting
and temps me to touch him again. I keep my hand stationary while stretching my
pinky finger out towards the edge of his hand. I’m just about to reach it when
the silence in the cabin is broken. It snaps me out of my stupor.