Kimber (6 page)

“You
are.”

 He
takes a deep breath and for a moment looks away. “I want you Kimber. I want you
to be my first, hopefully last, real adult relationship. I can take care of
you, I want to.”

 I
do not know how to feel other than completely flattered and a little taken
aback. I mean there hasn’t ever been so much as a hand touch, a loving word, or
an accidental kiss between us that I remember. But it’s not like it could never
be possible. It’s clear the way Luke feels even though the timing sucks.

“How
long have you felt this way?”

“Since
I met you I knew you were special, I just couldn’t pin point how. I know you
don’t know it, but you’ve changed me in a lot of ways.”

I
find myself questioning
this
change in Luke. What would it really mean
if we advanced our friendship and what if it turned out to be a mistake? Unlike
Luke, I didn’t have a train of companions coming and going from my life in high
school.

I
look around me not focusing on anything, just searching for the right words but
come up empty. Normally people just flow from friends into a relationship. Luke
and I are so far past that point. We know everything about each other. I do not
know if I can proclaim any strong feelings just now. However, I can’t deny that
eighth grade crush still lingers.

            As I think
of how I do care for Luke, how I feel safe and happy when we are together, a
nagging feeling surfaces inside me. I can’t put my finger on what it is but it
feels like a warning telling me something is not right. I rub my stomach,
suspecting the ice cream as the culprit.

Impatiently
Luke shifts. He drums the tips of his fingers against the palm of his hand.

This
will be the first brick in my rebuilding
, I tell myself. I take
a deep breath and with a lone promise, I’m ready to control this change in my
life.

“Ok,
let’s try this.”

At
first Luke appears confused but quickly he catches on.

“Maybe
I’m just…I don’t know…I just want to make sure you don’t feel like just ‘cause
I’m sittin’ here you feel obligated or anything.” Luke sputters. His
nervousness is cute.

“No
of course not. I’m ready; I need to do something with my life. I need to pick a
direction and just go.”

“That’s
good but, I don’t want this to be a pass time between locations, you know? I’m
serious Kimber, ‘bout us.”

“That’s
not what I meant. I’m just stuck in this horrible rut, I’m alone and I seem to
be my worst enemy. Now I don’t have to be. With you it’s like a whole new
direction with new possibilities.”

Luke
smiles, “Ok, but just to make things official,” he takes my hands in his,
“Kimber, will you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

Such
an innocent word stirs a dislike within me but I still answer, “Yes.”

With
a saucy look Luke motions for us both to stand. As soon as I’m out of the
plastic red booth he pulls me into his arms. I cannot help but think how I am
no longer hugging a friend but quite possibly my new permanent boyfriend. It
feels nice and the thought actually makes me feel happy.

The
only problem is once again I feel like there is something missing. I’m sick of
feeling like there’s something I’m forgetting. Tired of its pull for an object
or memory I cannot produce. I hate how the tighter Luke holds me the more
aggressive it feels. I struggle within myself to retain some kind of control. I
will not let my happiness be hindered with nothingness.

 
“Kimber.”

As
I look up to give Luke my lost attention, he leans down into me. His lips are
soft but firm against mine. At first I don’t know what to do. I can’t even
calculate the last time I had a boy kiss me but this is it, our first kiss. You
only get one, so as Luke’s hand finds its way up my back and into my hair, I
encircle him in my arms and give it all I have. Every sense in my body is
alert. Every movement his tongue makes mine mimics. After so long I slightly
pull away needing a full gulp of air. Luke’s blue eyes pear into mine with such
happiness.

“
My
word
!” A single older woman says as she walks by holding her ice cream.

“Ah,
she’s just mad I’m all yours now.” Luke says kissing the top of my head.

I
laugh and as I turn to look over Luke’s shoulder at the woman, it catches my
eyes. My heart sinks. It is distorted and blurred. Knowing all too well what it
is, I try to focus my eyes.
This can’t be
, I assure myself. I ease
Luke’s hands out from behind my neck and start walking toward the double doors
that lead to outside.

“Kimber,
what is it?”

“I
don’t know. I just need to check something.” I push the doors open.

Instantly
I am blinded by the brightness of the sun. I cuff my hands over my eyes. By the
railing the figure stands. Looking, taunting me over to where it is. I take a
shaky step forward.

“Kimber,
let’s go back inside.”

“Don’t
you see it?”

“What
am I looking for?”

 “That,
there.”

“Kimber.”
Luke calls but I’m too focused to listen.

I
get within forty or so feet of the figure before I feel the warnings. It’s like
I’m being pushed against without any real physical force. I take another step
forward. Suddenly the figure flickers in and out. I stop and the onset of
piercing pain enters my head. I can feel Luke grabbing at me but I cannot move
on my own. I feel the figure’s presence as though it is within me. I hear its
incoherent whispers and feel the way its words soothe the pain and accelerate
my heartbeat. I look up to find the figure’s form already evaporating. A crowd
of picture taking tourists block my last look before it is gone. And just like that
something inside me cracks.

I
CAN’T MAKE sense of what has happened. I cannot deny the way it felt to have
whoever or whatever it was within me. It felt familiar, like, home. Whether or
not my dam of sanity has sprung a leak, I need to see the figure again. In my
own personal darkness this figure of a person feels like a lifeline.

Utter
embarrassment has me choking back tears as I realize several people are gawking
at me half laying on the ground. Even Luke looks at me with cautioned eyes. I
find the courage to stand and brush myself off.

“Forgot
my meds?” I try to laugh it off in a dry attempt but instead I know I look
extremely lame. 

“Let’s
get outta here.” Luke says caressing my back with his hand. It makes me feel
like a child being soothed.

“Yeah.”
I walk ahead, far to mortified to look him in the eye.

After
an uncomfortable and awkward ride in the elevator, we reach the ground floor.
Luke hands over his valet ticket and as we stand beside each other, I know I
have to make this better. This afternoon was obviously important to Luke and
our newfound relationship and my little episode ruined it

“I
know you must have a million questions right now but I don’t have an answer. I
can’t explain what happened up there.”
I could be slightly crazy.
“I’m
just really stressed and I’m sorry for ruining today.”

“You
really freaked me out Kimber. First, you say you’re seeing somethin’ then
you’re on the ground and mutterin’ somethin’ ‘bout a choice and how you’re
leavin’. What the hell happened?”

“No.
Wait. What?” I distinctly remember it being the figure who spoke to me.

“I
don’t know, you could’ve said anythin’ right then, I just know you were in a
reverie or somethin’.”

Is
it possible to be possessed and while in the act of possession feel as though
you
are
you and not acting as someone or something else? Or think you’re
in reality when really you’re not? I wish I had paid more attention to Robin
when she babbled on for weeks about her old haunted house and possessed dog. I
know she’d have answers.

 “I’m
really sorry Luke. I think I’m just over tired and stressed.” It is not exactly
a lie.

“Look,
just don’t think you can’t talk to me. I know everything is still a little rough
for you. And don’t worry, if you feel like you need to talk to someone, a
shrink or somethin’, no ones gonna judge you.”

“Thanks
Luke. But I think with some rest I’ll be ok. I don’t need a shrink.”

 “Well,
since you’ve only been mine for about ten minutes and I’d like to keep you in
one piece, let’s get you home.”

“Yeah,
I definitely can’t show my face around here again. I feel awful for ruining
things. If you want we could go someplace else where I could make a complete
fool of myself. Maybe I’ll even flop around like a dead fish this time.”
Thankfully, Luke laughs with me.

“We
could slap some clown makeup on ya, then you’ll have a whole act.”

“I
could have a little hat and ask for sympathy tips.” We both laugh.

“Ok,
well before you go puttin’ your one woman show on the road, let’s focus on
gettin’ you rested.”

 “I
really am sorry, so you know.”

“Stop.
I haven’t been this happy since fifth grade when my mom got me a sweet lime
green Huffy for graduation.”

“Really?”
I ask facetiously.

“I
popped my first wheelie on that bike. I was on that thing riden’ the hell out
of it every day. So trust me, being compared to the Huffy is a good thing.”

Looking
up at Luke I try to mimic his gleaming smile. I can’t help but feel as though I
have already fallen from the pedestal he has placed me on.

 “Come
here.” He says pulling me into his chest. He lowers his head down to mine as I
raise my chin up to him. His kiss is slow and meticulous. As his lips urge mine
to part my heart races. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he kisses.
Luke’s kiss tells me how caring, vibrant and passionate he really is.

Having
forgotten where we are, the sound of an agitated valet clearing his throat
pulls us from euphoria. Embarrassed I try to laugh it off and smile sweetly as
the valet holds the passenger side door open for me.

I plop down on the
couch and stare up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and try envisioning what I
saw earlier today at the Pier. I breathe deep, calming my mind. I replay the
vision of the shadow man repeatedly in my head. I try to remember the muffled
words he whispered hoping it might trigger something. I lay still for what
seems like hours drifting in and out of a light sleep.

Not
willing to waste anymore of my day I give up and trade the couch for the pool.
I change into a white bikini, grab a towel, my phone, and head into the
backyard. It feels like sixty-two outside but the pool is a warm eighty-five. I
take a few laps before a little ultimate relaxation in the jacuzzi.

            About
twenty minutes later my muscles feel like warm taffy. The rumble coming from my
stomach reminds me that I need to eat. Since my kitchen skills are limited, I
whip up a grilled cheese and turkey bacon sandwich. Not long after I’m nicely
full and relaxed the phone rings.

“Hola
chica!” Amber exclaims. She tells me Tommy’s parents are out of town and a
chilled get together is happening later tonight at his place. I assure her that
I will take any reason to get out of the house.

“Ok,
so are you sitting down?”

“No,
but I can be. Why what’s up?”

Leaving
out my little mental mishap, I fill Amber in on my new relationship news after
which Amber demands a verbatim play by play. An hour later Luke beeps in on my
other line. Understandably, Amber lets me go.

 “Hey
Luke!”

“Hey.
How ya feelin’?”.

“Better.
I took a little nap, relaxed for awhile, ate and now I’m just sitten’ here.”

“Nice.
So listen, Tommy told me he’s havin’ some people over tonight. If you feel up
to it, you wanna go?”

It
comes as no surprised that Luke spoke to Tommy. The two of them are as close as
Amber and I. I just hope that, like me, he kept my little episode at the Pier
out of their conversation.

“Yeah
Amber told me about it. I said I’d go.”

“You
tell her anythin’ else?”

“I
could have. Did you have anything to tell Tommy?” I smile at the phone.

Luke
laughs. “You know how Tommy is.”

“Cynical
when it comes to relationships?”

“Be
easy on the kid. He’s not as hard as he acts.”

“Yeah,
yeah. I thought we were cool but after this last breakup with Tiff, he’s been
particularly jerky.”

 “Don’t
take it personally. You know Tommy cares about you and if he’s being a prick,
it’s ‘cause he can’t help it. It’s like a tactical defense maneuver we’re built
with.”

 “So
because I’m best friends with Tiff, I’m guilty by association?”

“I
never said it was logical.”I laugh and suggest we both stay out of the mess our
friends have made.