Kimber (9 page)

“Why
can’t you—” Amber starts but I cut her off.

“Enlighten
me. How did you manage this? How did you manage to get me so
accurately
diagnosed?” I feel hot all over and tremble with anger.

“We
told him.”

 “You
told
him? Can you even begin to fathom the way this makes me feel. I’d
never… I can’t even…” I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes closed, refusing
to let the tears out.

“Then
explain why you smashed your bathroom mirror and were seeing things that
weren’t there at the Pier. Why you passed out at Tommy’s and then went on to
have no sense of how seriously you were hurt. Why you fought with Luke and
Tommy just to ask Mike about a boy at a birthday party that happened five years
ago. Something is wrong Kimber! You’re delusional if you can’t see that!” 

 I
can see how it all looks from Amber’s point but it doesn’t justify not coming
to me first as a friend. I hate how they stand in front of me, united against
me, afraid for and of me. I shake with anger and blink past the tears pooled in
my eyes. Like a wounded dog, defenseless and cornered I lash out.

            “You call
this help but all you’ve done is portrayed me as something I never wanted to
be. And just because there is a part of me you’ll never understand doesn’t mean
that I’m sick.
God
, I lost my mother, am I not entitled to freaking out
whenever the hell I want? Oh, no, I almost forgot, it’s too inconvenient for
you both. Let’s all just pop some fricken pills and be happy, right? Because
pretending to be someone’s friend is a lot easier than actually putting the
work in.”  

“That’s
not fair Kimber.” Luke says still trying to justify their actions.

“Fair!”
I turn directly to  Luke. “Was it fair that while I lay unconscious you filled
the doctor with second hand speculation? This shit will permanently be in my
medical record, what don’t you get about that?”

 “That
wasn’t our intent.” He closes his eyes to keep from looking at me. “I know who
you are and I won’t apologize for carin’ about you. You’ve been lyin’ to us, we
had a right to worry.” 

“
OhmyGod
!”
I yell lacing my hands behind my head before dropping them back down to my
side. “You’re not even trying to understand! Just get out, both of you, leave.”

“Kimber!”
Luke starts to protest.

 “No!
I don’t want to do this. I
can’t
do this. You and me, it was a mistake.”

The
words cling to my throat, nearly choking me as they come out. In retrospect, it
isn’t Luke I really wanted to let go of. It’s the perception of the person they
see me becoming. No sooner have I turned my back to Luke does he slam his hand
against the island counter top.  The noise startles me. I turn back around just
as Luke takes me by the arms. His eyes search mine, looking for my reason.

“Tell
me what you want? You want to hear that I’m sorry, ‘cause I am. I screwed
everything up. Amber and I might care too much but at least we give a shit. Yet
you’ll bleed and lie to hear the name of someone who doesn’t give a shit about
you. I’ll be damned if  you shut me out because of this.”

 It’s
something in his conviction, something in the way he speaks of Leo and slight
sly way his lip curls. Oh my God, he’s jealous. “I can’t believe I didn’t see
this. All this is about for you is Leo.”

For
a split second his face betrays him and I see the truth. It’s like a two-way
mirror. Now I know what is on the other side. The changes in their
personalities, the realization that I don’t really know the people I thought I
knew, make my stomach turn and my heart sink.

The
truth revealed, Luke releases me and storms out the back door. I hadn’t
realized how tight his grip actually was. I’m certain I will have bruises by
dinner time.

 “Are
you ok?” I nod to Amber.

“I
think you should go.”

“I’m
sorry for what you view as wrong. I love you Kimber, I’d die before I’d ever
hurt you. You know that. The doctor asked questions and maybe we said too much
but we’re concerned. The doctor said that everythin’ goin’ on was probably your
way of crying out for help. I can’t describe how awful that made me feel. Some
best friend I am. I should have been there for you more; instead I just let you
down.” Amber wipes a tear from her cheek.

The
X chromosome is Mother Nature’s secret weapon. It makes us girls prone to an
involuntary reaction. This reaction is triggered by, but not limited to,
puppies, boy bands, romantic comedies, flowers, and the wrong kind of boys with
type A personalities. Any of these things have one of two automatic responses.
Complete loss of reality or Niagara Falls type crying.

Looking
at my best friend, seeing her broken and holding unwarranted guilt, makes me
cry before I even know it. I can count on one hand the number of fights Amber
and I have had. We are the mirrored opposite of each other, but inside she’s my
soul sister. Even though I can’t say I would have done the same, I can say that
when it comes to me, her intentions were genuine. With tears now rolling down
both our faces, I throw my arms around her and squeeze tight.

“I’m
so sorry Kimber.” She sobs.

“Shhh.
I know you’d stop at nothing for me. I will always come to you, like I always
have, whenever I have a problem. I promise. You’ll never let me down.”

 “Still
besties?”

I
hold her at arms length, “‘Til the end of time.”

             Having
cried out our differences, Amber and I make amends. We put our fight behind us
and schedule a much needed night of good old fashion girl bonding. As Amber
leaves, she asks one thing of me. “Give Luke a break. He really cares about
you.”

I
have no idea how to face Luke. The score between us is even. I wish I knew why
he felt threatened by Leo’s name. Why he wouldn’t want me to know it. What worries
me more is the growing way Leo’s name attaches itself to me. The way my heart
flutters and my skin vibrates with just the thought of his shadowed figure.

            I look to
the patio door trying to decide if I should go to Luke or wait until he has
cooled off enough and comes back inside. I sit on the couch and try
contemplating how this will go. Whether or not he will understand anything I
say or if I should say anything at all. Clearly Luke has more to explain. Like
why the mention of Leo sets him off. 

The
french doors creak open as Luke comes inside. He walks over to the couch where
I sit. He struggles to compose the thoughts that race inside his head. When he
finally sits, I feel the small distance between us grow as if we are on
different sides of the world. Nervously I fidget with my hands. I’m unable to
look at him. My ears hum from the silence surrounding us.

I
take a deep breath and open my mouth to speak, unsure of where or how to start.
Thankfully Luke beats me to it. He tries to hide the pain and hurt as our eyes
meet but I see it. It’s all over his face.

 “I
haven’t been honest with you. I know Leo. In fact he was my best friend.” He
pauses, chewing his lower lip. “It would have been us together all this time if
I had spoken up sooner. Once Leo was out of the picture, I knew it was my time
to tell you how I felt and see if you felt the same.”

“What
are you saying? Leo and I—”

“Dated.”

 I
lean back against the couch, confused as to how I wouldn’t remember a man, who
just by his name, I feel connected to.  

“I
don’t understand why you find it so important to remind yourself of him. Think
about it Kimber. If Leo really cared, loved you, wanted you, the way I do he’d
be here, but he isn’t. I’m sure of us Kimber.” Luke reaches out to take my hand
but I pull back.

“All
this time, you knew.”

“No,
you never talked about him. How was I supposed to know?

“It
doesn’t make sense. Why can’t I remember any of it? How do you remember him but
I can’t?”

“I
don’t know. The doctor said that tragedy combined with the type of stress
you’ve been under can do odd things to someone’s psyche. It’s the best explanation
I can give you.” He  reaches  again for my hand. This time I let him take it.
“I don’t know what it is you think the two of you had but it was awhile ago and
you guys were young. It couldn’t’ve been anythin’ like what we have.”

Even
now, knowing this doesn’t help the pieces come together. It doesn’t feel right.

“Nothing
and nobody can take me from you. I can understand if you have some kind of
lingering feelin’ for Leo that you’re not sure of but I’m the one that’s here. You
don’t need someone who could come and go so easily. You need stability. I’m the
one who will fight for you and not let you go. Doesn’t that mean anythin’ to
you?”

 “Of
course it does.” I say looking deep into his baby blue eyes.

In
the back of my head, I’m panicking. Part of me wants to know everything I can
get from Luke about Leo. The rest of me, well the rest of me is curled into a
ball afraid that what they say will come true. Post traumatic stress, memory
loss, unipolar depression. I might as well have amnesia because I have no idea
how I came to be here. With no other way to gain the answers I seek, I come
clean.

 “I
think I’ve been seeing him. Not physically. In my dreams, awake even. I saw him
at the Pier and again at Tommy’s. I’m clueless though. I don’t know why this is
happening to me. I’m in a constant state of feeling like I’ve forgotten
something, which now I know I obviously have.” I pause hating the fact that I’m
hurting Luke more. “The only way I can figure it is that he’s connected to me.
I can’t remember a single second with him but now that I know, I don’t feel
like there’s something in me missing anymore.” 

I
search Luke’s face waiting for a reaction. He keeps his gaze away from mine as
he rubs his hands up and down his thighs. I wish I had the words to comfort him.
I don’t know what to say to ease the pain I see I’m causing him. Listening to
your girlfriend babble on about another guy can’t be anything close to easy.

“This
whole thing is stupid.” He says as he stands and starts to pace the room. “I
mean, you just want to throw away somethin’ that can be real when Leo doesn’t
even want you. I’d give anything for you. Don’t break my heart over a person
you don’t even remember and feelings that only exist in your mind.”

His
words crush me inside. I want to defy what he says about Leo but really, how
can I. He’s right. Leo isn’t here. I have no real proof to uphold the way I
feel. Maybe this whole thing is twisted. Misdirected. Like me feeling this way
for Leo isn’t actually what is. Maybe my soul seeks comfort in a time where it
wasn’t tormented with darkness. Yeah, that makes sense. Leo’s obviously the
last person I loved, shared a deep emotional connection with. But why would my
mind seclude a connection that’s done nothing but haunt me?  

I
go to Luke and take his hands in mine. “Hurting you isn’t something I want but
being honest with you means being honest with myself. I never want to lie to
you. I just… it’s so much, you know. I’m sorry I’ve been a real crappy
girlfriend to you.” I search his eyes to know he understands

“I
don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t be honest. I’m here for you, always,
but I’m not psychic, you have to talk to me.”

“I
promise, that is if you still want me, damaged and all.” I snuffle a shy,
nervous laugh.

“All
I want is you.”

The
tension between us lightens with the pacified resolve of our issues. He pulls
me into him bringing his soft lips firmly against mine, and it hits me. It’s
simply the worst but greatest and crazy idea I’ve ever had. It’s the perfect
solution. Only problem is, if I can barely sell myself on it, what’s Luke going
to think.

While
Luke scavenges my kitchen determined to make us lunch I hype myself up and
think of everything he might say to sway my decision. I need him to go with me
or I know I’ll chicken out.

“I
want to ask you somethin’. And think about it before you answer.” 

“Ok.”
I say a little surprised that he’s taken the words out of my mouth. I sit down
across the kitchen table for him.

“I
know what your dad said, but I think it would be a good decision if maybe you
saw your aunt.”

“Ok,
weird!”

“What?”

“I
literally
was just going to say the same thing.”

            “Good, I
think it’s important for the two of you to connect. I hope it’s ok if I plan
myself into this. I was thinkin’ after you saw your aunt we could have a little
vaca in the city.”

            I agree and
Luke and I spend the next hour on the web looking up hotels in New York  before
he eagerly heads home to pack. I, on the other hand, turn the radio on to drown
out the menacing thoughts telling me just how bad this great idea is.

             Somehow,
by the time I have packed and dropped my suitcase in the entranceway I see Luke
parking in my driveway. Luke doesn’t live that far away from me. Maybe a mile
or two. I guess I just didn’t expect him back so soon, then again he’s a guy,
he probably packed at lightning speed.