Knight (An Impossible Novel) (5 page)

“You can talk to Clayton,” he assured me.  “You don’t need permission to speak freely to anyone.”

The latter statement was almost more than I could wrap my mind around.  I hadn’t spoken to anyone but my former master for so long, and even then I was told what to say.  Words hadn’t come of my own volition in a long time, and now my new Master was telling me I could do so.  He was ordering me to express myself as I wished.

Only a short time ago, I wouldn’t have been capable of even thinking of words without specific instructions, but now my mind was remarkably clear.  If I could speak freely, then maybe I was also allowed to think for myself.

The idea was almost as terrifying as it was tempting.

After a moment, I nodded.  “Yes. Ma
-  He told me I’m in a detox center.”

Clayton’s eyes clouded over at my near slip-up.  He seemed disturbed, but he remained focused on me rather than turning his ire on Master again.

“We’ve been trying to locate your family so we can inform them of where you are.  When we found you at Decadence, you didn’t have any ID on you, and we couldn’t track down the man who brought you there.”  His features tightened at the mention of my former master, but he quickly schooled his features to something non-threatening.  “I can understand if you’re… estranged from your family, but it’s our job to get you back to them so they can support you in your recovery.  We need to know your name so we can do that.”

Panic unfurled in my chest like a choking vine, twining up around my windpipe and restricting my ability to breathe.  I remembered how angry Master had been on the night he had found me.  He had demanded to know my name, and none of my answers had satisfied him.

I made the mistake of shooting him a terrified glance, and I found myself caught in his steady silver stare.

“Tell me you
r name, girl.”

It was an order.  I had to answer.  But my reply would be no different now than it had been before.

“Slave,” I whispered tremulously.

Both men tensed, the force of their anger pressing against me like a lead weight on my chest.  My hand twisted in the sheets anxiously.

“I’m sorry.  What do you want to call me?”  I asked desperately.  Master had promised not to hurt me, but I still feared his retribution if I displeased him.

Master’s voice was calm when he answered me, but his eyes were still commanding me to comply with his order.

“I want to call you by your real name.”

I didn’t have a name. 
She
had a name once.  But that was before she was abducted and broken.  And now that I had come out of my delirium, I could scarcely recall the time before I had come into being.  I certainly couldn’t remember a time before she had been taken.  That was too painful to face.  That woman was gone now.  I had buried her so deeply within me that she would never surface again.  The very idea of it terrified me.  If she returned, then I would cease to exist.  And I didn’t know how to be her anymore.

“She…”  I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.  “I don’t have a name.  I’m sorry.”

Master didn’t look angry any longer; he looked profoundly sad.  And more than a little disgusted.

“Okay,” Clayton said gently.  “That’s okay.  You just need time.  St. Paul’s has you listed as ‘Jane Doe’ for now.  Is it al
l right with you if we call you Jane?”

The name meant nothing to me.  I wasn’t Jane.  I wasn’t even a person.  But if allowing them to call me that made the painful questions stop, then I would happily agree.  I took a deep, calming breath.

“Yes,” I said, my voice small.  “You can call me Jane if that’s what you want.”

Master frowned, dissatisfied with my reply, but he said nothing.

“Can you tell us the name of the man who brought you to Decadence, Jane?”  Clayton asked gently.

I shook my head as the panic reared up once again. 
“Master.  He was just Master.”

My new Master’s hand tightened around mine, his grip almost crushing.  “Don’t call him that,” he bit out, fury bleeding into his tone.

“I’m sorry.”

I seemed to be saying that a lot.  It seemed a waste of my new capability of expressing
myself.  It suddenly bothered me that I was so contrite.  My voice was a bit stronger as I elaborated, exploring my new range of vocabulary.

“He never allowed me to call him anything else.”

Master’s grip eased as he visibly reined himself in.  “We’ll figure out his real name, sweetheart,” he promised me gruffly.  “For now, if you have to refer to him, I want you to call him ‘that Bastard.’  Can you do that for me?”

“That Bastard.”
  I tasted the crude word on my tongue, and I found that the flavor gave me immense satisfaction.  I didn’t belong to him any longer.  My new Master wouldn’t let him hurt me ever again, and I owed him no loyalty.  The corners of my lips twitched upward in an unfamiliar way.

Master returned my smile, his grin both encouraging and vindictively satisfied.  I was flooded with warmth at the sight of it.  I had ma
naged to genuinely please him.  His lips weren’t twisted in cruel satisfaction as my former master’s – that Bastard’s – had so often been.

“Unfortunately, there aren’t any surveillance cameras around Decadence.  The owner wanted to protect the patrons’ privacy, so we don’t have any leads on the Bastard so far,” Clayton informed me.  “Could you give us a description of him if we got a sketch artist in here?”

The Bastard’s face flashed across my mind, his pleasant features spoiled by the sick, lustful light in his pond scum eyes.  I blinked the image away, focusing instead on the strong line of Master’s jaw and his mesmerizing molten silver eyes.  There was nothing disturbing about the light in them.

“Yes,” I said firmly.  “I could do that.”

Now Clayton was smiling at me too.  My bewilderment at the men’s approval was overshadowed by the warm glow in my chest.

There was a soft knock on the open door, and my attention turned to the short, slightly plump middle-aged woman who was standing at the threshold to my room.  Her soft brown eyes were regarding Master warily, but when she addressed him, her voice was saturated with asperity.

“Am I allowed to come in now, Agent James?”  Her words were tart, but her drawl called to mind slowly dripping honey.  “I need to check Jane’s vitals.”

Clayton shot Master an exasperated look.  “Of course you can,” he told the woman apologetically.  “Don’t let James bully you out of doing your job.  We all want Jane to get better.”  He spared Master a significant glance, but Master just shrugged.

The woman strode confidently into the room.  “Agent James seems to think us incompetent in that regard.  But far be it from me to question the FBI when it comes to treating a patient.  I didn’t realize that all agents were required to attend med school.”

Clayton seemed to be torn between amusement at the woman’s gumption and disapproval of Master.  “I assure you we don’t.  James is here to protect her, not to treat her.”  He stood smoothly.  “And now that Jane is awake and has answered our preliminary questions, it’s time for him to leave.”  He looked at Master expectantly, but Master didn’t move.

“I think I’ll stay a while longer,” he said assertively.  “There’s a lot more that we need to find out.”

Clayton frowned at him.  “We’ve got enough for today.  Do you really want to push her further?  You can come back tomorrow.”

Master shook his head.  “I’m staying one more night.  She shouldn’t be alone.”

Clayton crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Master as though willing him to leave me.

But I didn’t want him to leave.  I wanted more of Master’s kindness.  Now that I was allowed to express my wishes, I intended to take full advantage of that capability.  I looked Clayton squarely in the eye when I spoke.

“I want him to stay,” I said, my voice clear and even.

Master smiled down at me, and my stomach did a little flip.  I definitely didn’t want him to go.  He was so kind to me.  He would take care of me.  I didn’t want to lose that.

Clayton sighed.  “Okay.  If you want him here, then he can stay.”  His brilliant blue eyes were as hard as sapphires when he turned them on Master.  “But I expect to see you at work tomorrow.  And let the nurses do their jobs, for god’s sake.”  He addressed the woman who was now standing by my bedside.  “If he keeps being rude, please let me know, and I’ll haul him out of here.”

Master glared at him.  “I’d like to see you try.”

Clayton returned his icy stare.  “Don’t think that I won’t.”  Aggressive tension filled the space between the two men as their wills squared off against one another.  After a moment, Clayton’s tense stance eased.  He wasn’t capitulating so much as he was allowing reason to quell his alpha urges.  “I just want Jane to get healthy.  She can’t fully recover until we’ve found her family and caught the man who hurt her.  I know you want to help with that, Smith.”

Some of the tension left Master as well.  “Why do you always have to be so goddamn reasonable, Vaughn?”  He asked.

Clayton shrugged and gave him a small smile.  “One of us has to be.  Besides, I like being right all the time.  It knocks you down a few pegs and saves the rest of us from your frankly staggering ego.”

Master snorted.  “Right. 
I’m
the one with the huge ego.  Says the Golden Boy who can do no wrong.  In his opinion.”

Clayton clapped him on the shoulder. 
“Yep.  And it’s not just an opinion if I’m right.”

Master brushed his friend’s arm away.  “Get out of here, jackass.”  The insult held no real malice.  “We can pick up this pissing game tomorrow.  I’ll see you at the office in the morning.”

Clayton nodded his agreement before turning his easy smile on me.  “I’ll see you soon, Jane.  Promise me you’ll tell James off if he’s annoying you.”

“I will,” I lied.

“Goodbye, Vaughn,” Master said pointedly.

Clayton ignored him, winking at me before he turned to leave the room.  I decided that I liked him.

For the first time in a long time, thinking for myself didn’t have painful consequences.

Chapter 4

“My name is Susan,” the kindly-looking woman who was checking my blood pressure introduced herself.  Now that she was closer to me, I could tell she was perhaps a bit older than I had first estimated.  Streaks of pale grey mingled with the light blonde wisps of hair that escaped her loose bun.  The defined lines around her eyes and mouth were creased from years of broad smiles.  She addressed Master in a tone that brooked no nonsense, but her voice was warm when she spoke to me, her softly reassuring smile reaching her eyes.

“Hi,” I said shyly.  I felt a bit awkward not introducing myself as well.  Half-remembered social conventions were flitting around at the corners of my mind.  But I still didn’t have a name.  Everyone seemed to want to call me “Jane.”  The name didn’t mean anything to me, but I would respond to it.

And I hadn’t failed to notice that Master didn’t address me as “Jane.”  He always called me “sweetheart” or “girl.”  I was accustomed to being spoken to as though I was less than a person.  Honestly, the idea of having a real name had terrifying implications about my own autonomy and sense of responsibility for myself.  It was much easier to put my trust in Master and follow his orders.  And his terms were so much more affectionate that “whore,” “slave,” or “fucktoy.”

I took it as a sign that he had accepted ownership of me.  He really was going to take care of me.  And he didn’t seem to expect anything in return other than my obedience.

I could scarcely believe that this wonderful, beautiful man had decided to keep me.  I was no longer afraid of my present or my future, and I would bury my painful past just as thoroughly as I had buried the woman I used to be.

Susan’s hands were gentle as she took inventory of my body, and Master never let go of my hand.  Although my muscles still ached, I couldn’t recall feeling more pampered.

The bed I had been given was soft and warm, and the room was brightly lit.  Even when Susan and Master weren’t speaking, the world was still rich with the sounds of humanity.  The hallway outside my room was peppered with the soft slaps of footfalls, rustling papers, and disjointed flashes of conversations.  Nothing had ever felt so
real
.  It might have been overwhelming if Master hadn’t been there, his hold on my hand grounding me.  Nothing could hurt me while he was with me.  He had promised.

Once she had finished checking me over, Susan took down a clipboard that hung on the wall beside my bed and made a few notes.

“Everything looks good,” she told me brightly.  “You’ve gotten through the worst of it, Jane.  Now we just need to get you healthy.  I’m going to get you something to eat.  You need to put some weight back on.”  She eyed Master.  “I’m going to leave you with the caveman for a little while.  Are you okay with that?  I can stay with you if you would prefer.”

“That’s okay,” I said quickly.  “I want him to stay.”

It was odd expressing my own wishes.  The word
want
felt strange on my tongue.  But I was bolstered by Master’s approving smile.  I was so entranced by it that I barely noticed that Susan’s lips were pursed in disapproval.

“Alright,” she conceded.  “I’ll be back to check on you later.”  She delivered the reassurance to Master like a warning.  He just gave her a sardonic little wave, dismissing her.  She rolled her eyes at him and planted her hands on her hips.  “The call button is on the side of the bed, Jane.  Don’t hesitate to use it if you need me.”

She left the room, muttering to herself.  I definitely heard “Yankee men” and “should never have left Georgia” as she stalked out.

“I don’t think she likes me very much,” Master remarked casually.  “But I have to give her credit; she’s the only nurse who’s come in here since I told them all to get the fuck out unless you needed immediate medical attention.”

He was smiling at me softly.  I was fairly certain I liked Susan, but I didn’t care that Master had been rude to her.  It wasn’t my place to comment on it anyway.  And it made me feel safer knowing that he had kept strangers away from me.  Now that he had staked his claim, I was confident no one would dare to take me from him.  I would fight anyone who tried.

That thought shocked me.  Defiance never crossed my mind.  But Master was kind to me, and I was tentatively beginning to enjoy the freedoms he had granted me.  I wasn’t going to give that up easily.

“Thank you,” I said softly.  I added on
Master
in my mind, but I didn’t say it aloud.  That was against the rules.

His smile faded, his expression taking on a new intensity.  “You don’t have to thank me,” he told me, his voice low and rough.  He cupped my cheek in his large hand.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, little one.”

Little one. 
He hadn’t called me that before.  I liked the sound of it.  I felt so small in his grip, but there was no fear that he would use his strength against me.  The way his deep, rich voice caressed the words made it an endearment rather than a belittling term.  Without thinking, I leaned into his touch, pressing my cheek against his palm.

The depth of my trust in him might have been jarring to me once, but I didn’t have the option of not trusting him.  He was my Master now, and my fate was entirely in his hands.  Even if he had been cruel to me, I wouldn’t have questioned him.

But I also wouldn’t have found comfort in his touch.

We sat in silence for a while, and I closed my eyes as I relished the feel of his fingers running through my hair.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit overly-familiar with Jane,
Agent
James?”  Susan emphasized his job title.

Master pulled away from me, and I was amazed to find that he was shifting uncomfortably in his chair, as though he had been caught doing something he oughtn’t.

“I don’t mind,” I defended him quickly, reaching for his hand.  I hated the coolness that hit my skin when he released me.

Susan pursed her lips again as she eyed the way he wrapped his fingers around mine.  But then her eyes came to rest on my anxious expression, and her demeanor softened.

“Okay, sweetie.  I just don’t want Agent James doing anything
inappropriate.
”

Master bristled.  “Is that an accusation?”  He asked, his low tone holding a dangerous edge.

Susan squared her shoulders, meeting his challenge.  “It’s an observation,” she countered.

“If you had any idea what she’s been through, you would know just how disgusting that insinuation is.”

“I do have an idea,” she said sharply.  “And that’s why you shouldn’t be touching her at all.”

“Stop.”
  I was shocked by the authority in my own voice.  “I want him here.”

Susan studied us for a minute, her gaze flicking to Master and back to me.  My eyes were wide as I silently pleaded with her not to anger him.  I needed him to stay by my side.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you, little one.”

“Please,” I added softly.  “He’ll keep me safe.”

Susan sighed.  “No one here is going to hurt you, Jane.”

Master squeezed my hand, calling my attention back to him.  “She’s right.  No one will hurt you ever again.  And you don’t need me by your side to keep you safe from anyone here.”  His expression was strained, as though he had to force himself to make the admission.

I trusted him implicitly, but it was difficult to believe him.

Susan nodded her approval.  “It seems you can be sensible after all, Agent James.  You might just be hiding a decent person under all of that alpha male
bullcrap.”

I couldn’t believe that she had dared to insult Master.  I expected his anger, but I was stunned when his warm, rich laughter filled the room.

“I suspect that I might like you as well if you weren’t so goddamn bossy.”

Susan tried and failed to suppress a smile.  “See?  I knew that you could be reasonable.”

Master chuckled again, smiling easily at Susan for the first time.  I was relieved that his open hostility towards her had faded.  Susan’s presence was warm, non-threatening.  And I didn’t feel that I had to defer to her in the same way that I did to Clayton.  Although he wasn’t as fierce as Master, he was still a man, and an imposing one at that.

Susan briefly retreated into the hallway to retrieve the food she had brought for me.  Once she had set the tray up before me, I looked up at Master imploringly.  He stared back at me for a moment, his eyes appraising as he tried to puzzle out what I needed.

Anger flashed across his features when comprehension hit him.  He quickly smoothed his taut expression, but his eyes still glinted like sunlight on cold steel.

“You can eat,” he told me firmly.  “You don’t need permission.”

Master granted me another freedom.  I could speak as I wished and eat whenever I wanted.  The concept of exercising so much free will was terrifying.  I re-arranged his words in my mind so that they were orders.

Speak freely.  Eat when you want to.

The knot of tension in my chest eased.  Obedience was so much easier.

Susan turned her attention back to Master.  “I don’t suppose I could convince you that the
staff here are more than capable of looking after Jane overnight, could I?”

Master regarded her levelly.  “Will you be here tonight?”

Susan’s cheeks flushed pink, and she looked slightly abashed.  “No,” she admitted.  “I won’t be back until tomorrow morning.  And although I’m flattered that I’ve earned the hardass Agent James seal of approval, you have to believe me when I tell you that she’s in good hands here.”

Master dismissed her insistent words.  “I’ll stay here until your shift starts tomorrow.”

Susan sighed.  “All right then.  But you have to allow the nurses to come check on her periodically.  The worst of the withdrawals have passed, but Jane is a long way from being healthy.”

Master gave her a short nod, allowing the small concession.  “Okay.  But I don’t want any male nurses or orderlies in here.”

“I think that’s sensible,” Susan agreed.  She turned her warm smile back on me.  “Goodnight, Jane.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thank you.”  I liked the words.  I hadn’t been allowed to express gratitude in a non-sexual way in so long.  And even then I hadn’t been truly grateful.  I had been desperate for my fix, for the pain to end.

I fought back the urge to shudder at the brutal memories.

That part of my life was over.  Just as I had forsaken the woman I had been before I had been broken, I would bury the slave who
had lived to serve her former master.  Now that I had my new Master, I could be a different person.  I could find joy in serving him that was far greater than the hollow bliss I had received from that Bastard’s rewards.

I didn’t even realize Susan was gone.  Master was my whole world now, and I watched him greedily.  I would do whatever was required of me to convince him to keep me.  He would see that I was a good slave, and he would never want to let me go.

He rubbed the pad of his thumb across the back of my hand in a slow, soothing rhythm.

“You should get some sleep, little one,” he said gently.

Go to sleep.

That was an order that was easy to obey.  I closed my eyes and was quickly pulled under by my exhaustion.  This time, I wasn’t haunted by visions of torture as I slept.  That version of
myself no longer existed.  And Master’s firm grip on my hand reassured me that I would never have to be that abused, degraded slave ever again.

Soft light filtered into my room, and I opened my eyes to behold the long-forgotten sight of dawn.  The pale beams of the morning sun slanted through the half-closed blinds that obscured the window across from my bed.  Hints of the outside world were visible through the gaps in the blinds, but the brilliant green of foliage and steely grey of distant buildings held little interest for me.

I much preferred to study the way the light played across Master’s features, illuminating the planes of his face and creating shadows beneath his brows.  I longed for him to open his eyes, to see their silvery light cutting through that darkness.

Although the stubble on his jaw had lengthened to darken his cheeks, there was a deeper shadow just to the right of his full lips where a dimple would appear when he smiled.  I craved to please him so he would bestow that smile on me once again.

“Master,” I whispered, awestruck.  I relished the word as it left my lips.  He was so breathtaking.  And I was
his.

The corners of his lips quirked up as he stirred from his sleep, his large body shifting in the too-small chair he had pulled up beside my bed.  But to my dismay, when he opened his eyes, his lips twisted downward in a frown.

“Don’t call me that,” he said softly.  He sounded almost pained.

My heart sank in my chest.  I had disobeyed him.

“I’m sorry,” I said anxiously.  My fingers closed around his hand like a vise, as though I could keep him by my side if I just held on to him tightly enough.

His expression softened, but he still regarded me seriously.  “This is one rule you cannot break, sweetheart.  You can’t call me ‘Master.’”

I nodded vigorously before he could tell me he wasn’t my Master at all.  I couldn’t allow him to reject me and leave me vulnerable.