Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (21 page)

“Daddy,”
she whispered playfully. Hell yes, I could get used to the sound of that.

“Mummy,”
I mirrored, pushing her nose like a button. “I love you, Rachel. I mean
really
fucking love you.”

“Don’t
be getting all soppy on me,” she scolded, but I knew it was because she would
cry if I carried on - her eyelashes were already damp from seeing our babies on
screen. “Come on,” she added, cocking her head towards the door. “I’ve got a
pot of piss in my bag I believe someone wants.”

Rachel

“
You
should call Emily,” Jared suggested,
tracing the lines of the koi tattoo on my upper arm while holding me close to
him in bed. We’ve had a week to come down from the news that we are having
twins –
twins!
– yet I
still find myself feeling flabbergasted whenever I imagine them growing inside
me.

“Maybe,”
I kind of agreed. Of course I wanted Emily to know… but then I also wanted her
to call me first – show me she missed me as much as I missed her.
Childish? Probably. I knew deep down I needed to drag my stubborn head out of
my arse. “I’ll call her later.”

“You
will?”

“Don’t
act so surprised. You’re right. I want her to know this. And… well… I miss
her.”

“I
know she’ll be missing you too.”

“Then
why hasn’t she called? Or returned my texts?”

“Come
on, Rach. I know you don’t really believe she doesn’t care. There’s something
she’s not telling us. There must be. I’m guessing Dexter’s in some kind of deep
shit. He’s always been secretive. No one’s ever really known anything about him
or his past.”

“You
think she’s in trouble?” I asked, feeling suddenly guilty. Jared sighed
heavily, causing my head that was lying on his chest to rise and fall. My
fingers wandered up the centre of his stomach and trailed across his muscles
until they landed on a nipple. I tweaked them softly between my fingers –
not in a sexual way, I just like the feel of them. Weird, eh? Maybe I’ve got
some kind of nipple fetish.

“I
don’t know. Maybe,” he replied. The words twisted around my heart. “But
whatever it is I don’t think for a second she doesn’t need you as much as you
need her. You know she’s been kind of sheltered. I think she’s probably
overwhelmed, struggling… I think maybe whatever’s going on she’s embarrassed
about. Maybe she thought it would blow over before she needed to tell you. But
in the meantime you guys convinced yourselves the other one is pissed off, when
really, you both love each other so much, and feel so guilty that you don’t
know how to make the first move.”

“I
never even thought of it like that,” I admitted. “Jesus, I’m such a bad
friend.”

“Hey,”
Jared all but snapped, palming my cheek and pulling my face up to meet his
gaze. “You are
not
a bad friend. Now
I don’t know what shit Em’s got going on but I also know she doesn’t think that
either. You two don’t know how to live without each other, that’s what’s gone
wrong here.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead before backing up and
looking me straight in the eye. “Don’t ever let me hear you say things like
that about yourself again.”

“Yes,
sir,” I concurred playfully.

“Now,
fancy some pregnant sex?”

“How
about we just start calling it
regular
sex?”

“Where’s
the fun in that? I’ve only got a few months left to enjoy this,” he said,
rolling me onto my back. “And these,” he breathed against my nipple. “It won’t
be long before I’ve got to share these,” he said with a fake tsk of his tongue.
“I need to enjoy you being pregnant before you start complaining that you’re
too tired, or sore, or whatever other shit new mums complain about.” I knew he
was teasing but that didn’t stop me swatting the side of his head. “So I’ll ask
you again. Fancy some pregnant sex?”

Giggling,
I answered, “I’d
love
some pregnant
sex.”

I’ll
leave you to imagine how the rest of our morning panned out.

**********

“Ugh. Back to the real world tomorrow,” I
grumbled. After the scan last week I called work and Uni and told them I was
sick. Jared was already signed off after his accident but he told Mick the real
reason we were taking the week off together anyway. Funny how I’ve grown to
really like Mick. He’s not such a miserable old bastard after all. “Are you
ready for your appointment?” Jared has an appointment with a neurologist
tomorrow. It’s early in the morning so I said I’d go with him before my first
class.

“Truth?
I’m kinda shitting it.”

There
was nothing I could say to that, so I did the only thing I could that I hoped
would soothe him. I curled my finger, inviting him down to my level, and kissed
him.

“Is
that what’s been bothering you today?” Ever since we surfaced from bed this morning,
he’d been acting strange. Edgy… distant.

“No
I…” he trailed off, straightening his back and running his tense fingers
through his golden hair.

“Jared?”
I pressed softly when it became apparent something was really bothering him.

“I,
um… I think I’m getting a warning.” The blood drained from his face as he spoke
and his eyes refused contact with mine. “I held off telling you in case it was
nothing, and…” He drew in a deep breath. “I even considered making an excuse
and going back to my place.”

“I’m
glad you didn’t,” I said without hesitation. Then I took a few seconds to
process his words while trying not to panic at the same time. “What do I do?
How can I help you?” I asked, sounding only a little flustered compared to the
deep swell of panic ballooning in my chest.

“You
can’t do anything,” he said dejectedly, sweeping the floor with his eyes. “I
think it best if I go and lie down for a while.”

“Then
I’ll lie with you.”

“No,”
he said sternly, still not looking at me. “I might… hurt you.”

Oh.
Christ this was nerve-destroying. I hated the fact he was suffering and there
was nothing I could do to ease that.

“Then
I’ll just sit with you.” He shook his head at me and I could already see his
body weakening when he stumbled and had to support himself on the wall. “Jared,
look at me,” I ordered. Reluctantly, he did. “Don’t hide from me, don’t push me
away and don’t you dare
ever
be
embarrassed in front of me. Got it?”

“I…
don’t know what it looks like to an outsider. I’m guessing not pretty.”

“Stop
it, Jaz. Stop looking so ashamed. I love you –
all
of you. Let me be here for you.”

Jared
offered me a slight nod in return and as I made my way over to him, he stumbled
again – this time blinking his eyes repeatedly as if he was having
difficulty seeing. Then, without uttering a word he started making his way to
the bedroom and I followed, swallowing the knotted lump of nerves and
uncertainty clogging my throat along the way.

When
he reached the doorframe he almost walked straight into it as he lost his
balance again and started rubbing at his eyes.

“Here,”
I said, cocking my head towards the back of my chair. “Lean on me. Use my
handles for support.” He did without question. I noticed his fingers trembling
slightly as he reached out to grab onto the back of my chair, and as I wheeled
slowly towards the bed, he walked beside me, letting my chair take some of his
weight.

“I’m
sorry,” he whispered as he lowered himself onto the bed.

“Don’t
you dare,” I scolded. “Don’t you dare apologise for this.”

Jared
lay down and curled himself into the foetal position. He closed his eyes and
mumbled something unintelligible… and then it took him.

With
one violent jerk, accompanied by a harsh growl that made me wince, Jared’s body
uncurled itself. The sight in front of me tore my insides apart. I leaned
forward and clasped my hands together, resting my elbows on my knees. Every
time Jared’s body stopped convulsing my hand instinctively reached out to touch
him, to comfort him – but then another violent spasm would wrack through
his muscles, causing his limbs to stiffen and jolt, making me shrink back
again.

A
tear bled from my eye as the sound of course grunts and moans were propelled
from his throat. Then, his eyelids rolled open slightly, exposing the white of
the back of his eye and I crumbled. I clasped a hand over my mouth to quieten
my sobs as I watched a gathering of marbled white foam settle around his mouth.
Lastly came the sound I hadn’t been expecting…

My
eyes trailed down his body until they reached the source of the hissing sound.
My gaze reluctantly settled on the crotch of his jeans and when I saw the
dampness setting in, I cried harder. I had never felt so helpless in my life. I
clutched my belly, subconsciously hugging my babies –
our
babies – and I silently told
them what a strong daddy they had.

How
had he coped with this all alone for so many years? I’d seen it just once and
it destroyed me. Watching him lying there, on my bed, helpless, grey and
stretched out in a shallow pool of his own urine…

I
cried. Hard. And in that moment I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to stop.

His
body hadn’t been shaking for several minutes when I thought it safe enough to
get closer to him. I took myself over to the edge of the bed and cradled his
hand in mine before bringing it up to my face and kissing his knuckles. Then I
used the back of his hand to wipe the tears from my cheeks, and as I did, his
eyes started to flicker open.

“I’m
here, baby,” I assured him, clutching his hand to my chest.

“W-where
am…am I?” he stuttered. His eyes strained to see across the room - he looked
dazed, disorientated and a little scared.

“You’re
in my bed. In my flat. You’re okay, babe… just rest,” I said, plucking a tissue
from the box on my bedside table and dabbing the corners of his mouth.

“R-Rach?”

“Yeah.
I’m with you, babe. Just relax until you feel ready to talk.” I didn’t know if
that was the right thing to say. Was I meant to move him? Call someone? I
didn’t have a fucking clue. I just wanted him back. I wanted him to reassure me
that he was okay. I’d never witnessed something so painful in my life –
even though I’m sure he didn’t feel any pain, I sure as shit did.

I
don’t know how much time passed before he opened his eyes fully – until
he looked at me with recognition. All I know is seconds felt like minutes and
minutes felt like hours.

“You
stayed,” he breathed, and there it was again – that damn, unnecessary
shame saturating his voice.

“I
told you I would. You should never have to wake up alone after that.” I winced
at the memory and hoped he didn’t see. Then I noticed him squirm uncomfortably
on top of the bed and I knew by the sudden paleness to his face he’d felt the
dampness between his legs.

“Can
you um, leave me alone for a while?” he asked, embarrassment preventing his
eyes from looking into mine again. “I just need to, um…”

“It’s
okay, Jaz. Please don’t be embarrassed in front of me.” His hand shot up to his
face, concealing his mortification. “I’ll go and wait in the living room,” I
said, unable to fathom how he must be feeling. “But know that what just
happened has only reaffirmed how much I love you.”

Jared
didn’t say anything else, choosing instead just to offer a weak smile, again
without looking at me. I assumed he wanted to get himself cleaned up and
changed – process what had just happened. He’d always dealt with this
alone and it was as new for him as it was for me. So, wheeling backwards out of
the room, I turned in the hall and made my way to the sofa to wait for him.

**********

Jared
wandered into the living room about forty minutes later. I’d heard the shower
running and then movements in the kitchen shortly after, followed by the sound
of the washing machine spinning. He paused in the doorway, hesitantly looking
at me while running his fingers through his damp hair.

“You
look like shit,” I told him honestly but playfully, attempting to add some
normality to the situation.

“I
hate that you had to see me like that,” he said gravely, looking to the floor.
My heart began to throb painfully in my chest. I
hated
that. I hated that he felt embarrassed with me.

“Come
sit with me.” I patted the spot next to me on the sofa, and after sighing
heavily he walked gingerly towards me. “I had no idea they were that bad,” I
confessed as he perched beside me. He sat a few inches away, leaning forward
with his elbows on his knees. “How have you coped for so long like this?”

“It’s
been so long since I’ve known anything else. I’m just used to it I guess,” he
shrugged.

“Please
look at me,” I coaxed, aching for him to trust me enough to be himself with me.
“I want you to be comfortable with me, Jaz. I need you to trust me. I’m here
for you. Always.”

“You
shouldn’t have to see me that way,” he argued.

“Why
not? You see me in this chair every day.”

“That’s
different.”

“How?
I’ve got no control over it just like you haven’t. But that doesn’t stop me
wishing I could be more for you sometimes.”

“Don’t
say things like that. You are everything to me. You know that. What more could
I possibly need from you?”

“Well…
I could ride you until you can’t remember your own name for a start,” I teased.
Result! I got a smile! A small one, but definitely there. “It’s going to get
better, Jared. Your appointment tomorrow is the first step, and I will be with
you throughout this whole thing. I don’t want you to pretend anymore –
not with me. Whatever this is, is part of you and that means it’s part of me
now too.”