Learning to Breathe (11 page)

“English Literature, Psychology, Sociology and Business Studies.” I told him as the waitress appeared with our food.

Danny nodded thoughtfully.
“Okay and what do you wanna go on to do?”

I shrug
ged at him as I bit into a chip. “Dunno, maybe a psychologist or a journalist or something.”

“Ah,” said Danny with a smirk. “Y
ou think that because you won’t open up to people, others will open up to you?”

I was a little hurt by his snide co
mment so I decided to retaliate.

“Just because I don’t like talking about my problems doesn’t mean that I
don’t want to help others with theirs.” I told him testily.

Dan
ny held his hands up in defence. “Wow, I didn’t mean it like that. It just strikes me as quite ironic – that’s all.”

I couldn’t answer him since I was taking a big bite of my burger so I settled for throwing him a dirty look instead.

Half an hour later and we had both finished eating without much conversation. I glanced at my watch – 6.10pm – it was still too early to go home but I had no other choice. I sighed heavily and Danny glanced at me.

“You ready to go?” he asked me cautiously.

I nodded.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to face my mother sometime.”

Danny nodded knowingly.
“Okay, I’ll just pay and then we’ll go.”

I nodded my head in agreement and tried to pay my half of the
bill but Danny stubbornly refused to take it.

Once we were back in his car, I idly wondering what was waiting for me at home. I glanced at Danny and decided to distract myself by thanking him for dinner.

“Hey, thanks for buying me dinner … and I’m sorry I was a bit short with you before.”

Danny waved off my apology.
“Don’t – I’m the one who should be apologising. I didn’t mean to be so rude earlier.”

I didn’t argue with him as he started the car and pulled out into the road. I could hear the faint strains of Lifehouse’s ‘Somewhere in Between’ and I didn’t mind when Danny turned it up as it meant that we didn’t have to talk for the remainder of the journey.

Once we pulled up outside of my house, I instantly felt sick at the sight of my mother’s car – I would definitely be in for a lecture. I sighed heavily and turned to Danny.

“Thanks for everything. I’ll see you in school.”

Danny nodded and waved me off before driving away. I took a few deep breaths to mentally prepare myself before I faced my mother. I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to end well.

As soon as I opened the door, my mother bolted from the kitchen to meet me before I could escape upstairs.

“Darcie! Where the hell have you been? I c
alled the leisure centre at ten past five but they said that you’d already left. Why’d you run off like that?” My mother was breathing heavily and I could tell that she was furious with me for running off but I was just as mad as she was.

“
I didn’t really appreciate being ambushed!” I yelled back at her. “I mean seriously, who does that?”

“Som
eone on the edge of desperation.” my mother replied quietly.

I was momentarily stunned into silence by the look on my mother’s face – it was one of intense hurt.

“Darcie,” she began, “I feel really bad about going behind your back and doing that to you but I was out of ideas! All I wanted was for you to talk to me and that’s what I got. I know you’re mad but at least it’s a reaction! It’s much better than your forced conversations with me – it breaks my heart that I know you’re still hurting but refuse to talk to me!”

“Mum – let’s not do this tonight … please. I can’t – I just can’t.” I pleaded with her in a shaking voice; I was close to cracking
and breaking down completely.

My mother
sighed heavily. “Darcie you need help and this is the only way to get through to you. If you don’t wanna talk to me then fine, I’ll not fight you on it. However, that said, you
will
go to your P.E. lessons and you
will
face your fear and learn how to swim – that is non-negotiable.”

“You can’t make me! I won’t do it!” I protested earnestly.

“Oh you will.” my mother threatened in a deadly tone. “Or the next step will be taking you back to see Dr Kendrick!”

I definitely didn’t want to go that route so I threw my hands up in d
efeat and stormed off upstairs. However, as I flopped onto my bed, I was determined to come up with a plan to get out of it even if it meant running away.

That night, my nightmares continued to haunt me.

My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me
and hear someone comforting me.

“Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

I woke up in hysterics and wondered how the hell learning to swim would ever help me to conquer my fears. It wouldn’t make the nightmares go away and it certainly wouldn’t change what had happened. My mother seemed adamant that it would help but I just had a feeling that it would make things worse.

I sighed and tried to get back to sleep, telling myself that I would worry about it later. It didn’t work as I tossed and turned well into the early hours of the morning until I eventually dozed off, only to be woken up by my alarm a few minutes later.

I groaned and willed myself to get up. It took a while but I eventually managed to get
up and stumble my way into the shower. When I had finished, I changed quickly and made my way downstairs slowly – I really didn’t want to run into my mother.

Thankfully, as I made my way into the kitchen, I noticed that my mother’s car was already gone. At least I wouldn’t have to
contend with her attempts at conversation this early in the morning.

I downed two cups of coffee, dreading the day ahead – today was the first day that P.E was listed on my timetable. I shuddered at the thought but didn’t even pack my one swimsuit that was buried in my wardrobe – I wasn’t going to do it so why should I?

I sighed to myself and found my bag sitting in the hall. I slung it over my shoulder, locked the front door and headed out to meet Harriet who was waiting in her car.

As soon as I got into the passenger side
, Harriet threw me a funny look.

“Are you okay? You look a little tired.”

I shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything else – she must have sensed that I
didn’t want to talk since she turned up the radio, leaving me with my troubled thoughts.

When we arrived at the school, I left Harriet behind with Samuel – he had been waiting for her by his car – and made my way to the lockers alone. I opened my bag to pack some of my books and found that my mother must have been near it at some point. There, sitting on top of my pencil case, was my swimming suit.

I took it out in disgust and noticed that a note fluttered out along with it. I picked it up and took a fleeting glance at it – there were only eight words written on it:

I meant what I said. It’s your choice.

I
threw it into my locker angrily and slammed the door shut – I wasn’t being blackmailed into something I didn’t want to do. I sighed heavily and decided that since P.E. wasn’t until two o’clock, I’d go to Ms Mahon, feign sickness and leave.

I m
ade my way to my first class, praying that my plan would work and that I wouldn’t have to think about it for the rest of the day. It turned out that luck was not on my side …

My first class was Psychology and I was less than pleased to find that we were discussing phobias. I listened in horror as the teacher – Mrs Littlewood – explained different reasons as to why somebody would develop a fear of something. What was even worse was when she began to talk about trauma being a factor in determining why a person might develop a phobia.

I felt physically sick that she was hitting so close to home and I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would have to endure after lunch. I sincerely hoped that my terror of facing the water
would show on my face and would be enough to convince Ms Mahon that I was feeling unwell.

Things were bearable in Sociology but when it came to lunch, I had a hard time not thinking about what faced me in an hour’s time. I was very quiet while eating my sandwich and Harriet knew me well enough now to know when I wanted to be left alone.

When the final warning bell rang, it was with a heavy heart that I made my way to the Sports Wing to find Ms Mahon. It didn’t take me long to find her and it was then that I discovered why Harriet had been so relieved that she was in Badminton and not swimming – Ms Mahon was terrifying.

Not only did she not buy my excuse of being sick, she told me to change into my swimsuit right away or she would give me a fortnight of detentions. I had no choice but to change and hope that I didn’t pass out or worse
– drown …

I took as much time as I could when changing into my swimsuit but even that small task left me feeling light-headed. My mind just kept flashing back to the last time I had been in a large body of water and I could already feel my chest tightening.

With wobbly legs, I made my way into the swimming pool area and found Ms Mahon barging orders at a group of swimmers in the deep end. I took a deep breath and slowly made my way over to her. She turned as I approached her and pointed to the shallow end of the pool.

“Okay Darcie, you can grab either a float or arm bands and get in there and the first thing I want you to do is get a feel for the water and then gradually put your head under so that you can see what it feels like to be completely submerged.”

I
stared at her, completely dumbfounded.

Put my head under the water? Was she for real?

There was no way that I could do that – that was way too much for me to handle for my first lesson. I was about to tell her as much when she glared at me and pointed to the pool again.

“Darcie! Get in there now – I don’t like repeating myself.”

I gulped, lifted a float (there was no way that I was wearing armbands), shakily made my way to the steps at the edge of the pool, and very slowly descended. With every step, I took a deep breath and focused on not vomiting. As soon as my feet touched the bottom, the flashbacks hit me in waves.

I was on the boat laughing and enjoying the sunshine … then I was looking at the sky as dark clouds appeared and the wind picked up … The boat was rocking and I was finding it difficult to hold on … I was thrown from the boat … My lungs felt like they were on fire … I could taste the salty water ... I was choking while I screamed out for help but nobody was there … I could hear someone comforting me … then I could hear someone yelling …Darcie! Darcie!

“Darcie!”

My eyes flew open and I found Danny kneeling over me. I groaned and coughed, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.

“Don’t try to move, okay.” he told me and for once, I listened to him – I was aching all over and had no intention of even trying to sit up.

“Danny!” Ms Mahon
cried suddenly, interrupting us. “What’s going on?”

I watched as she started marching over to us but Danny quickly stopped her in her tracks and began talking to her in hushed tones. I couldn’t hear what they saying but I noticed that Ms Mahon looked very surprised and
then nodded to Danny who then made his way back over to me.

He knelt down and asked me a few questions about how I was f
eeling and if it hurt anywhere before he helped me to sit up.

“What happened?” I managed to croak out.

Danny looked at my face carefully before speaking. “Well I was doing some laps to get ready for practice after school when Ms Mahon got called out for a phone call. The next thing I know, I see you thrashing about and then you just stopped moving.”

I tried to steady my breathing as I took in all this new-found information. I hadn’
t even noticed that Danny was in the pool when I first came in and here he was saving my neck yet again.

“I thought you weren’
t going to come.” Danny stated with a hint of curiosity in his tone.

I sighed.
“You don’t argue with Ms Mahon – I had no other choice.”

Danny nodded.
“Yeah, Ms Mahon doesn’t exactly take no for an answer.”

“
No – really?” I shot back sarcastically.

I watched as Danny flashed that adorable crooked smile
at me. “And there’s the Darcie I know – welcome back. Now you’re starting to sound like your old self.”