Learning to Live (28 page)

It’s been three days. Three days since Tru has smiled, three days
since we made love, and three days since the phone call. I’m outside
the funeral home with Tru, Jazz, David, and Mason. Nobody says
anything because we’re deep in our own thoughts. We stand under the
night sky with its storm clouds, and it really sets the stage for this
fucked up situation.

I didn’t know Benji well, but he did watch out for Tru while she
was at work. I’m only here for her and no other reason. He was her
friend, and deep down I know she cared for him...no matter how much
I hate admitting it.

I see Janet walking up then feel Tru’s arms release me as she goes
to her. For someone so angry looking, she still has tears running down
her wrinkled cheeks. She’s a great boss to Tru and a hard worker. She
obviously loved both Benji and Blaire from what I’ve seen, so she
must have a good heart underneath all that armor.

I look around and spot Blaire through the door just sitting by the
casket looking down. She hasn’t moved once since we’ve been here,
and she looks more like a statue than a human.

I soon notice everyone has started to leave, but Blaire seems
oblivious to the world. I can’t imagine one of my siblings dying,
especially a twin. I keep my mouth shut not sure what to say. I turn to
concentrate on Tru again as she and Janet talk in hushed tones.

“I still can’t believe he did drugs. And not just weed, but
heroin,
”
Jazz whispers while shaking her head and wiping a tear from her eye.
She’s aware that heroine was her birth mother’s drug of choice, so I’m
sure that’s where her mind is and what has her so upset. Mason pulls
her to his side hesitantly, but she welcomes it.

It seems Benji fooled everyone and was good at hiding his
addiction. I couldn’t even tell until I saw his arm that night. Then I
picked up on every little thing that he did which showed how trashed
he was. The signs were small, but they were there if you looked hard
enough.

I noticed when we arrived earlier that there weren’t many people
here. Neither David nor Mason knew the guy, but they wanted to pay
their respect to Blaire who was our waitress on more than one
occasion. Plus, they both know how much Tru means to me. A few
people from school and some punk looking guys that looked like they
could use this as a lesson were the only other people here.

“I need to find Blaire.” Tru wipes her eyes that are full of grief
and turns in my direction. “I’ll be right back.”
I grab her hand as she starts to go back inside and intertwine our
fingers. “I’ll go with you. Blaire might need me to carry her because I
don’t think she’s aware of anything that’s going on. She’s looks like
she’s still in shock.”
She squeezes my hand and gives me the first smile I’ve seen in
days. It might be full of sadness, but it’s still beautiful.
We walk into the funeral parlor and slowly approach Blaire. We
stand there waiting for her to acknowledge us for a few seconds, but
she doesn’t. Tru touches her shoulder gently and says her name—still
no response.
Tru repeats herself more firmly this time. “Blaire? Everyone’s
leaving and the director says since it’s late we need to leave too.” She
pauses and waits for a response but doesn’t get one. “Janet wants you
to stay at her place and is waiting outside for you. We need to be here
early tomorrow for the funeral.” I can hear her voice break from tears
as I listen.
We don’t think she’s going to answer at first, but then she stands
up. Instead of sorrow etched on her face, it’s anger. And it’s directed at
Tru. I go to intervene, but her palm slaps Tru’s cheek before I can. I
grab Tru, who stands there shocked from the blow holding her cheek,
and push her behind me.
“What the hell?” I ask angrily and stare down at Blaire.
She points in Trudy’s direction and yells with tear filled eyes,
“You shouldn’t be here, you selfish bitch.” Blaire’s seething and takes
a step forward to get to Tru, but thankfully David appears and wraps
his arms around her to hold her back as she kicks and fights. “It’s
your
fault he’s dead. It’s your fucking fault he had to drown you out of his
mind. You led him on and chose a guy with money instead. You’re
nothing but a gold digging whore.”
“I didn’t lead him on, Blaire. You know that I cared for him, but
just as a
friend.
” Tru is crying and when I turn toward her, I see we
have an audience.
“Yet you still kissed him? As a friend? Let me guess because lover
boy here...” she points in my direction, but I’m still thinking about this
so-called kiss “...paid for your car, you decide to ignore someone who
doesn’t have anything but a guitar to call his own. All the money in the
world will
never
equal to how great Benji was,” she yells hysterically
and points toward Tru. “He was everything to me and
you
took him
away.”
“Okay, it’s time for us to go.” I pick Tru up because she seems to
be in shock from Blaire’s words and walk toward the exit while Blaire
screams with grief behind us.
Before we exit the building though, she yells that she never wants
to see Tru again.

Later that night I lie in bed and hold Tru in my arms while she
sleeps. I can’t help but constantly think about the kiss she supposedly
shared with Benji. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does, and I can’t
help the jealousy I feel with the image that surfaces.

Her body is facing away from me while I rub her back, listening
to the news on TV as background noise. “It’s not true, you know?” she
whispers and rolls over to stare at me.

“I’m not a gold digger.” Her eyes start welling up with tears and
she sits up. “I love you, Jax, and I’m not with you for your money. I
hope you don’t think that.”

She’s staring at her hands in her lap and not at me. I know she’s
not with me for money. I mean to say that, but what comes out of my
mouth instead is the one thing that’s been on my mind. “Did you kiss
Benji?”

Her head comes up and she stares at me with uncertainty. “No. He
kissed me and I pushed him away.” She drops her head and stares at
her lap. “It was the night those assholes grabbed me. I’d seen his track
marks and confessed why I hated drugs so much. I gave him a hug and
when I pulled back he kissed me.” She raises her eyes to mine again,
and I reach up and wipe her cheeks.

“I know you’re not with me for my money, baby.” I kiss her nose.
“You’re with me for my little brother.” I wink at her and she gives me
a big smile for the first time in days and hugs me.

When she pulls away she looks at me with a serious expression.
“Did you help pay for my car?” I knew this conversation was coming,
but I hope it doesn’t lead to a fight.
Jazz and her big ass mouth.
She
told Blaire about the car the night we bought it.

“Yeah,” I say and grab her hands before I continue. “Tru, listen to
me.” I can tell she wants to speak, but I have to tell her this first. “I
want to get you whatever you want in life and I have the money to do
it. I knew how bad you wanted a car, and I also know you’re saving up
for something, even though I don’t know what it is. So I just put some
money down with yours to help pay for the car.”

Instead of arguing like I thought she would, she hugs me again
and lays her head on my shoulder. “I haven’t had anyone want to take
care of me since Ms. Freeman. I just don’t want to be
so
dependent on
someone that I fall on my face when I’m on my own again.”

I rub her back while I try to find the right words to tell her that I’ll
never leave her, but no words can describe this need I have for her.
“Tru I’m not going to ever leave or get rid of you. Like I said before,
you are mine.
And I take care of what’s mine.”

We sit there for a few minutes and just hold each other. Then Tru
finally tells me what she’s been saving for all this time.
“I’m saving for Brian’s headstone. I have one picked out, but it’s
expensive. It needs to be paid in full before they’ll order it,” she says
so softly it’s hard to decipher at first.
I squeeze her warm body against mine and kiss her head. “Then
we’ll get it and I don’t want any arguments.”
She just tells me one last time she loves me and closes her eyes. I
lie there in the dark while she sleeps and think of Blaire. The hatred
she directed toward Tru today was a total surprise. I know she’s just
angry at the world right now. I guess it’s easier to blame someone else
for his problems, but it shouldn’t be Tru.
I don’t want her going around Blaire anytime soon, but I know she
still wants to work. I’ll talk with Janet tomorrow about keeping them
separated for a while.

I haven’t seen Blaire for two weeks now. She left town a few days
after Benji’s funeral, and I’m not sure where she went. I would ask
Janet because she talks to her on a regular basis, but I don’t. The way
we left things between us puts a strain of the small relationship we
had, so I want to give her time.
Deep down I know she didn’t mean the words she said, but they
still upset me when I replay them in my mind. Benji had an addiction,
and it was up to him to seek help. I hate the fact he’s gone and didn’t
try. I feel my eyes burn as I close my dorm door and lock it.
It’s one in the morning on the Wednesday before our fall
performance, and I just want to sleep for a week. Between working
extra shifts until new people are hired, mid-terms, and rehearsals every
morning, I haven’t seen Jazz or Jax much. I miss both of them. Jax’s
practices have started running over because baseball season is getting
closer to opening, and Jazz is usually asleep or not home.
After my shower I fall into my bed and take out Brian’s picture
and foot prints. I sleep easier with Jax beside me. If he’s not close to
me, I always feel as if someone’s watching or my nightmares return. I
should have stayed with him like he had asked, but it’s late and we
both need to be up early.
I trace the tiny footprints with my fingers and sigh. When the
quiet whispers around me, my heart starts to break again for my son. “I
miss you, baby boy. I think of you every day still, especially when I
see a baby who’s your age. I can’t help my mind from imagining what
you would look like or if you’d be walking yet.” I conjure up the
image of a plump cheeked little boy with dark eyes that shine while he
smiles at me and making the cutest noises. “What your first word
would be and what you would sound like when you laughed.”
I smile and feel my throat start getting tight and burn as my eyes
become blurry. I swallow it back as best as I can because I don’t want
to be sad. Letting my mind wander to Jax, I let out a small laugh. “I
imagine you with Jax and how wonderful he would be with you. He
would love you like his own.” I take a breath and kiss the place where
his toes rested once and wipe my eyes.
I glance out my window and see the moon reflecting on the dew
soaked ground. “Benji, watch out for my boy, okay? Rock him in your
arms since I’m unable to and kiss his cheek for me.” I place the items
back in my desk drawer and grab his blanket to hold against my chest
since Jax isn’t with me tonight. After I turn out the lights and settle
down, I finally feel my mind drifting into a fitful sleep.