Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (11 page)

Those two words broke me.
Of course I wasn’t ok. She took my hand and pulled me in a room and
closed the door. We sat down on a couch as she waited for me to
speak.

“
I messed up, but it felt
amazing. Why do I feel so guilty?” She smiled at me before we
talked for a while.

~ JAMES ~

I had been talking with
Annie, down a hallway and away from prying eyes and ears. I was
mid-sentence when her red hair caught my attention. Annie’s eyes
followed mine as we observed. She was holding Paul’s hand, pulling
him behind her, with Misty and Roxy in tow.

“
God dammit!”

I went to move and Annie
put her hand on my chest to stop me. “James. Don’t. Let her do
this.”

I glared at her, but didn’t
need to say anything. She knew how I felt. We watched as the four
of them walked into one of the dozen bedrooms. I was going to be
sick. My heart ached, stomach churned and my body was raging. Misty
moved the indicator on the outside of the room so that people knew
it was occupied. I felt Annie’s eyes on me before she grabbed my
hand and pulled me down the hall. She walked us into her room and
closed the door.

“
How do I sit here knowing
what’s going on?”

“
You have to let her do
this.”

“
The fuck I do!” I grabbed
the small table in front of us and threw it against the wall and
watched as it shattered to the floor. “She’s my wife!”

“
And
YOU
set this plan in motion. She
thinks you don’t want her. She’s doing what any hot-blooded woman
would do. You know if it was me, I’d be fucking anyone who came
into my path.”

“
Dammit!”

“
Set her free. If she
comes back, you know she’s yours. Isn’t that what you want? Her to
come back to you.”

I dropped to my knees as
the emotions flooded me. “She has to come back. She’s a part of me.
Annie, I can’t breathe without her.”

She pulled my head into her
lap as I cried. “You stupid, stupid man.” I left a short time
later, our plan falling into place, or so I prayed.

I got in my truck and drove
around aimlessly. It was all my fault. I’d deliberately pushed her
to the edge. I knew what desire I’d awakened in her and I was wrong
to think she’d only want that high with me. She was searching for a
fix, like a junkie, and I prayed that she’d realize I was the only
dealer for her.

I scrolled through my
playlist and put on
End of Me
by A Day to
Remember
. What if I lost her to Paul?
Was group play what she really wanted? Was that something I could
give her? Sharing never bothered me before she came along, but she
was different. I wanted to be the only one to give her pleasure and
I wanted to be the only one she wanted to receive her pleasure
from.

~<>~<>~<>~

I kept busy with the house
and the renovation of the bar over the next week. The anniversary
of Holly’s death was fast approaching and I wondered how Cassidy
was dealing with it. Could I reach out to her as a friend and show
support? I wanted her to know that I remembered. Annie had stayed
in touch and just told me that Cassidy had listened to her, but
made no decision.

That Saturday afternoon I
couldn’t get Holly and Cassidy out of my mind. I spent a few hours
at the bar checking the progress. Paul seemed on edge, but I didn’t
inquire. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was bothering him.
Walking out the back door, the scene from the previous year played
out in front of me.

Holly was cradled in
Cassidy’s arms, both of them covered in blood. Holly was gone, but
I couldn’t relay that to Cassidy. Sam was conscious and had been
holding Holly’s hand when the paramedics pried him away. I still
believed that he died of a broken heart and who could blame him. He
watched the woman he loved get gunned down right in front of him.
He’d been wounded himself, but didn’t die until a few hours later,
at the hospital, after insisting on an update about Holly. I never
confessed that information to Cassidy. What good would it have
done?

“
You ok, man?” Turning to
Paul, the memories faded away. “You look like you’ve seen a
ghost.”

“
Eh, something like that.
We all set?”

“
Yup.”

We each walked to our
vehicles and I wondered if we’d ever get back to a place where we
could talk like comrades again. We were too old to let a girl come
between us. Of course, that was how we’d met in the first place.
Maybe it was kismet. I left a few minutes after he did and drove by
Cassidy’s place. Her car was out front and as I was working up the
courage to go talk to her when she walked out the door and got in
her car. She hadn’t seen me and as Ryan pulled out behind her, he
waved to me. I nodded and pulled away, following them, though I
knew where she was headed. Calling Ryan, I asked him to stay
outside the cemetery to wait for her.

She surprised me when she
walked to my mother’s grave first. God, I loved that woman—my
mother, too. She laid a flower down and then walked the hundred
yards or so to Holly’s grave. I gave her a few minutes alone before
I started to approach her. I didn’t have any idea what I’d say to
her, but just wanted to be there for her. All our differences put
aside. She was sniffling when she stood back up, wiping a tear
away, she turned and spotted me.

She looked around briefly,
almost seeming confused by my presence. “Wh, what are you doing
here?”

“
What do you think I’m
doing here?”

“
You remembered?” She was
surprised that I had remembered what she’d lost and it baffled
me.

“
How could I forget?” She
looked so frail and broken. She tried to speak and then tried
containing her sobs. I took a step toward her and she took a step
back. “Cassidy, let me hold you.”

She searched my eyes,
probably gauging if I was up to something else. “I miss her so
much. This last year…”

“
I know.” I took another
step toward her as she buried her face in her hands. “Shh.” I
wrapped my arms around her and gently pulled her to me. She didn’t
resist and I buried my nose in her hair as her citrus scented
shampoo assaulted me. “It’s going to be ok.”

~ CASSIDY ~

Annie and I were walking
out of the club in silence, her words running through my brain. I’d
confessed what I’d done and she was really cool about it. She told
me that if I was looking for a no emotions and no commitment
relationship, she knew a Dom who would love to work with me. It
felt strangely like a proposition. I told her I’d think about it. I
mean, really, I didn’t know what to think. No emotions and no
commitment sounded really appealing, but was it
possible?

“
Cassidy!”
Shit!
Looking to Annie,
she stepped a few feet away as Paul caught up to me. “You just
left?”

“
I’m sorry. I freaked
out.”

He moved a little closer
and lowered his voice. “Cassidy, if I did something wrong, please
tell me. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t…”

“
Stop. You didn’t do
anything wrong. I just want to go home and go to bed.”

“
Cassidy, we need to talk
about this.” He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned down to
meet my eyes. “Let me make this right. I’ll take you home.
Please.”

Nodding my head, I agreed.
Looking to Annie, I apologized and assured her that Paul would get
me home. The sun was slowly rising and Annie encouraged me to call
her. I climbed into Paul’s SUV and he headed toward my place. We
drove in silence and he reached over and placed his hand on top of
mine. I’d really screwed everything up.

He pulled in my driveway
and I jumped out before he had a chance to get out. “Hey.” He ran
up the steps fast on my tail. “Cassidy, stop running.”

“
Paul. I’m so embarrassed.
Can’t you just let me wallow?”

Snickering, he whispered,
“No. Why don’t we sit and talk and you can tell me why you’re so
embarrassed.”

I could feel my cheeks
burning up as I turned the key and let us in. “Please give me a few
hours.” I stopped short of letting him in all the way and turned to
face him. “I can come over for dinner and we can talk. But, I have
to sleep.”

He let out a huff of breath
and rubbed his hands over his face. “Ok. But if you’re not at my
place by six, I’ll be here by six-fifteen.”

“
Ok. Deal.” He kissed my
cheek before walking back out.

I fed Chessa and climbed
into the shower after stripping my clothes. My brain was a complete
fog as I let the water seep into my bones. Flashes of myself tied
to the bed while Roxy and Misty worked me over drifted in and out
of my thoughts as Paul sat and watched. Then they had worked Paul
up into a frenzy as I watched, unable to move since I was still
tied to the bed. When we were both ready to explode, they’d untied
me and I’d straddled Paul, pulled the condom down his length and
joined our bodies again.

How could something that
felt so good also feel so wrong? How was I going to explain that to
Paul? Ugh. I rinsed the soap off my body and got out of the shower.
Wrapping the robe around me and towel around my head, I stared at
myself in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes and remnants of
mascara on my bags. I was a hot mess. Pulling the towel from my
head and the robe from my body, I climbed into bed.

My dreams were filled with
beautiful men and women, some naked, some not. I felt like I was on
a carousel as different scenes played out before me. I began to
recognize the faces of the people around me. Roxy and Misty, Annie,
Delaney and Smith while Paul and James stood next to each other.
Both of them had a hand stretched out toward me as the carousel
began to spin faster and faster. How did one choose when the love I
had for each of them was so different? Paul had been the first to
make my heart truly pitter-patter, I’d given him my virginity and
then he broke my heart. James, he owned my heart and locked it up
tight, but not before he broke it, too.

When I woke, it was just
after four p.m. I’d slept long enough that I should’ve felt rested,
but I didn’t. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep
for days. My mind was filled with way too many emotions. The
anniversary of that horrible night was fast approaching. I sucked
the sentiments down, that tried to take over, and forced my
thoughts to dwell elsewhere.

I wandered downstairs and
made myself some coffee. While it brewed, I searched around for my
iPod and still couldn’t find it. I sorted my mail and discarded the
junk mail before opening my student loan statement. Sighing, I put
the statement back in the envelope. I needed to start paying more
on them. I didn’t feel like I was making any headway on it and felt
like the debt was going to swallow me whole. Grabbing my coffee, I
headed upstairs to get dressed.

I pulled into Paul’s
driveway and took a deep breath. The flashes from the night before
were dancing circles in my head as I tried to push them aside. A
shudder ran through me, a good one. I was a dirty whore. I climbed
out of my car and headed to his front door. Knocking, he opened it
a few seconds later and held the door wide for me. His place was
laid out similar to mine. He had music playing and candles lit. He
had that huge grin plastered on his face, but he was nervous. I was
nervous, too.

I set my purse down on the
couch, unsure of what to say or what to do. He moseyed to the
kitchen and pulled something out of the oven. It smelled delicious.
Paul could cook! That pleasantly surprised me.

“
I hope you’re hungry.” He
smiled at me and I slowly headed his way.

“
Starving.”

“
Good. Hope you like
pasta.”

I looked over to the pans
littering the stove to find bread, salad and a pan full of pasta
that was smothered in cheese. “Love it. You didn’t have to go to
all this trouble.”

Smirking, “Yes, yes I did.”
I smiled back and took the plates from him and set them up on my
side of the counter. “Sorry I don’t have a table yet.”

“
No worries.” His place
was lacking some furnishings, but it wasn’t barren by any
means.

He offered me some wine,
which I refused, and took water instead. Drinking probably wasn’t a
good idea, for many reasons. We sat in silence as we started to
eat. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“
Paul, I’m really sorry
about last night. I don’t know what came over me.”

Setting his fork down, he
placed his hand on mine. “You’re shaking. Cassidy, I’m the one who
should apologize. Shit.” He seemed lost for words and who could
blame him.

Struggling to look at him,
“I can’t imagine what you think of me. I’ve never done anything
like that in my life.” His eyes skimmed over my face as one side of
his mouth turned up. “What? Stop that.”

“
Stop what?”

“
Undressing me with your
eyes.” I abruptly stood up and began pacing. “I acted like a wanton
hussy.”