Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (17 page)

I slept the day away, only
getting out of bed to pee. I hadn’t even bothered checking my
phone. For all I knew the battery was dead. Music was the only
thing of joy I allowed myself and even they weren’t chipper songs.
Hell, they were bordering on suicidal and I was happy to wallow in
their dark melodies. I was listening to
Break
by Rebecca Roubion
and had put it on repeat. The haunting piano
driven song was feeding my depressed soul. I had it up louder than
necessary, in my usual fashion.

“
Are you still sick?” His
deep voice startled me as I bolted up in bed. “Cassidy, are you ok?
I’ve been worried sick about you.” I couldn’t manage to make eye
contact with him and watched as he pulled my phone off the dresser
and confirmed that it was dead. “I’ve been trying to call you all
day.” He sat down next to me and turned my face toward his, “Baby,
what’s wrong.”

“
Don’t call me that. I’m
not your baby. I’m no one’s baby.” He sat quiet and I could feel
his eyes on my face. “You should hate me.”

“
Cassidy, what happened?
Everything was fine when I left last night, at least I thought it
was. What changed between then and now?”

The lyrics of the song
playing were fresh in my mind and I used them as I saw fit. “You
need to be free of me. I’m a landslide and I’ll just bury you in my
path of destruction.” He caressed my cheek and I tried to pull
away, but I couldn’t. “Please, let me be. I’m a horrible person,
you should hate me for what I’ve done.”

He sighed, “He came here
last night didn’t he?” I just shrugged my shoulders. “He left me a
pretty nasty voicemail that I didn’t listen to until this morning.
I should’ve suspected that he paid you a visit.”

“
He was drunk.”

“
He’s lucky he has a
fucking job. What did he say to you?”

“
It doesn’t matter. He
wasn’t wrong in what he said.”

James didn’t say anything,
just crawled in next to me and pulled me to him as I cried. “You’re
not defined by your mistakes and neither am I. Lord knows we’ve
both made them. If people want to judge us by our mistakes, let
them. But I know YOU, the
real
you. You’re amazing, loving, giving, creative,
loyal, and fucking stubborn.”

“
You don’t want me. I’m
broken.”

“
Are you listening to the
lyrics at all? You’re the one who taught me to listen to them.
You’re a diamond in the rough and you won’t break for nothing. Wake
up. If you want me to be free and you want to run, then I’ll run
with you because I’m only free when I’m with you.”

His tone was louder than it
needed to be, but I didn’t flinch. I focused on the lyrics and on
his heart hammering away under my ear. “I’m sorry.”

“
Don’t be sorry,
Blackbird. That’s what I’m here for. To smack some sense into you
when necessary. I hope you’ll do the same.” I just nodded against
his chest. “I’ll reschedule Dr. Pratt.”

I jumped up, “No! What time
is it? Are we too late?”

He chuckled, “No, it’s not
too late. I just figured you wouldn’t be up to it. We can still
go.”

“
Ok. I want to
go.”

“
Well, you need to get up
and get ready. I’ll wait for you downstairs.” He climbed out of the
bed and leaned over to kiss me. “Don’t forget about the amazing
person you are. You’re amazing. I’ll tell you every day if I need
to.”

I fought back more
ridiculous tears as I wiped at my nose, “Stop making me cry. You’re
pretty amazing yourself.”

He simply smiled before
disappearing downstairs. I looked at the clock to discover it was
after four in the afternoon. There were no words to describe him
and my gratefulness for him. I was an idiot to have so quickly
turned my back on him.
Deep breaths,
girl.
I turned on the shower and hopped
in. When I got out, I wasn’t sure what to wear. What did one wear
to meet a therapist? It was June, but the summer weather had yet to
make a full appearance. I opted for a maxi skirt, peasant top and
sandals. I grabbed my cardigan before heading
downstairs.

He was finishing up a phone
call and standing by the fireplace when he spotted me. My hair was
still damp and I’d put on very little makeup, also a norm for me.
He grinned and ended the phone call.

“
You look
great.”

“
Thanks. I wasn’t really
sure what to wear.”

“
I was thinking we could
grab dinner after, if you’re up to it.”

“
Yes, I think that would
be lovely.”

C
hapter
11
~
T
herapy

~ CASSIDY ~

We were driving back
toward the city and it felt like old times. I was riding shot gun
in his truck admiring the view—him. He looked
way
too good behind the wheel of
that big black truck. I immediately remembered his bike. I wondered
if he’d pulled it out of storage and was eager to go for a
ride.

“
What is it?”

“
Hmm. Nothing.”

“
You’re a terrible
liar.”

I smiled at him as I made
it obvious that I was checking him out. “I want to go for a ride on
your bike.”

“
Eager to feel the roar of
the engine between your legs.” He started laughing as my eyes got
big and I blushed.

“
Why do you have to make
it sound so dirty?”

“
You like it
dirty.”

“
Touché. Ok. Enough of the
innuendos. Focus Mr. Benedict.”

“
We can go for ride
tonight if you like.” He gazed at me and added, “On the bike, of
course.”

“
Right, the bike. Of
course.” I looked out my window as I felt his hand on the back of
my neck. “I would like that. A ride, on your bike.”

He was grinning like a fool
when I looked over at him. He just nodded and soon pulled into a
small parking lot a few blocks off of Main Street. “We’re
here.”

He took my hand and we
started walking toward an old Victorian home that had been
converted into office space. We walked in to a cozy living room
with oversized furniture. I was about to sit down when a door from
above opened and footsteps followed. I grew nervous as I waited. A
pair of tanned legs made their way down the stairs and I became
possessive as James smiled at her.

“
Angeline, nice to see
you.” They shook hands and I chastised myself for assuming Dr.
Pratt was a man. “This is Cassidy. Cassidy, Angeline. She’s Dr.
Pratt’s secretary.”

Thank God! “Hi, nice to
meet you.” We exchanged a handshake as James wrapped an arm around
my waist.

“
Dr. Pratt is ready for
you. He’s looking forward to meeting you.” Her eyes were directed
toward me. She was stunning, but seemed unaffected by James. He
motioned to the stairs and we made our ascent.

“
Don’t worry. That’s Dr.
Pratt’s wife.”

He smiled as my eyes made
the connection. “Oh. Ok.”

We walked through some
double doors at the end of a long hallway. He was standing at a
bookshelf and turned to greet us. He had on a three piece suit,
though the jacket wasn’t on, narrow black glasses and thinning hair
that was highlighted with gray. He was almost as tall as James but
slimmer.

“
You must be the infamous
Cassidy? His description didn’t do you justice.” I smiled as he
added to James, “She’s beautiful.”

He winked at me as he
responded, “Yes, she is.” Turning back to the doctor, “Dr. Pratt,
thank you again for meeting with us.”

“
Of course. Let’s get
started.” We took our seats on a couch as Dr. Pratt sat in a chair
across from us. “So, tell me what brings you here. You’ve been
through quite a lot the past several months.”

“
Well, Cassidy brought it
up,” he took my hand in his, “and I think it’s a good idea. We’re
not the best at communicating with one another and we want to be.
At least I think that’s why we’re here.”

Dr. Pratt looked to me and
I nodded. “You seem nervous, Cassidy.” I nodded again. “James, can
I have a few minutes alone with Cassidy?”

“
Is that ok with
you?”

“
Yes. That’s fine.” He
kissed me before walking out the door and closed it behind
him.

“
So, it’s just the two of
us. Coming here was a big step, for both of you. I’m here to help
any way I can. Why did you feel coming here was a good
idea?”

I took a deep breath as I
tried to organize my thoughts. “He’s been through so much and kept
his whole time in the Army a secret from me for a long
time.”

“
Yes, he has some pretty
deep scars from his time in the service.”

“
When his mom died, it got
worse. I pushed him, probably too much, to open up to me.” I could
feel my chest tightening as I repositioned myself on the couch. “I
care about him so much.” My voice cracked, “I’m sorry, I don’t know
why I’m getting emotional.”

“
You care for him deeply
and he does for you, too.” He passed me a box of tissues, “Do you
want this marriage to work?”

His question tore at me, in
a good way. “More than anything. But we’ve both made so many
mistakes.”

“
We all make mistakes.
You’ve both proven by coming here that you want to try to make
things right.” He waited for a moment as I twisted a tissue around
in my hand. “He’s given me permission to answer any questions you
may have. I assume you’re aware of the PTSD.”

Tilting my head, “I
assumed. I don’t really need the details, I don’t think. I just
want to be able to comfort him. He has nightmares and doesn’t sleep
much.”

“
That’s pretty
common.”

“
And the more frequent the
nightmares get, the more he drinks.”

“
Yes, that is a problem of
his.”

“
Is he an alcoholic?” I
struggled getting the words out, but had to ask.

“
Do
you
think he’s an
alcoholic?”

“
I don’t know. My mother
was one, I think. He seems to be able to decide when he drinks,
whereas some alcoholics can’t be around it at all.”

“
You’re correct. He has
great restraint when he wants. Does it concern you?”

“
Sometimes. When he
decides to drink, sometimes it’s a lot. That scares me.” He looked
to me and I felt I had to add, “Not that he’ll hurt me or anything.
Just that he’ll hurt himself. He busted his head open a few months
ago because he was drunk.”

“
He told me.”

“
How, er, has he been
coming here long?”

Shaking his head, “He
started again a couple weeks ago, after I went to the cabin. He’s
made a lot of progress and is willing to do whatever it takes to
make things work with you.” I just smiled at that, not sure what to
say. “How’s your physical relationship?” I balked at him, “I’m a
sex therapist as well.”

“
Ok. Well, there are no
complaints, except.” How did I say it without sounding like a
prude? “We may rely on sex too much? I don’t know how to explain
it. We’re very attracted to one another and there are no problems
there.”

“
So the intimacy isn’t an
issue?”

“
No, yes, just that it’s
hard to keep our clothes on and our hands off each other. I refused
to have sex with him last night because I didn’t want to just hop
back in bed.”

Chuckling, “Well, that’s a
good thing. How long did you two wait before consummating your
relationship?”

I knew I was blushing when
I told him. I explained the timeline and how we’d pretty much slept
together within twenty-four hours of reconnecting. “I don’t regret
it, I just, well, we didn’t really have a ‘courtship’ per se. Even
saying courtship sounds ridiculous.”

Smiling, “It’s not
ridiculous. Ok. Are you willing to try an experiment? I think
you’re worried he’s going to hurt you again and we need to rebuild
your trust.” I nodded. “Before I bring James back in, I want you to
know that you can call me too, anytime. If you’d like to make an
appointment to see me, I’m here to help.” He handed me his card and
said, “I’ll be right back.” He walked out of the office and
returned a moment later with James.

James sat down next to me
and kissed my cheek, “You ok?”

“
Yes.” I interlaced our
hands as Dr. Pratt sat down.

“
Ok. James, would you
agree that your physical relationship with Cassidy isn’t a
problem?”

He coughed, not expecting
the question. “Umm, I have no complaints there.” He looked to me as
I hesitantly made eye contact with him. “You’re embarrassing the
lady.” He winked and said, “She’s an amazing lover and I couldn’t
ask for more.” He thought I was an amazing lover and it sent a
tingle through me.

“
Cassidy, what about you?”
Hadn’t I already told Dr. Pratt I was good there? “This is all part
of better communication.” I knew he was trying to reassure
me.