Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (5 page)

I walked in and found a
rustic looking bedroom. It was large and had a door that went into
a bathroom. Placing my bag on the bed, I then walked to the
bathroom. It was huge, with a giant cast iron tub in the middle of
the room. There was a large shower in the corner, with no door or
curtain. There were a few more doors and curiosity got the better
of me. One was a linen closet, one led to a balcony overlooking the
back of the house, and the other was a small sauna.
I was in heaven.
There
were controls on the wall for different lights and heaters. Even
the tiled floor was heated.

I was ecstatic that I had
discovered that room and that it wasn’t already occupied. Finder’s
keepers. I was fully prepared to give myself a mini spa weekend.
After changing into some sweat pants, I headed back downstairs.
Everyone was in a large media room. There was a dart board, pool
table, a large poker table, large screen TV on the wall, couches,
chairs, and a bar with six barstools. Delaney was pouring herself a
margarita and I went and got myself a glass.

“
How you
doing?”

“
I’m fine, Delaney. How
are you?”

“
Good. Glad to see you
guys up here. We thought we’d be alone, but the more the
merrier.”

I wanted to ask her if
James was coming, but couldn’t get myself to do it. Hell, I didn’t
even know if anyone knew he was back and I wasn’t sure if I should
be the one to tell them. I took a swig of my drink and immediately
sucked in my cheeks. It was strong, but delicious. Since I wasn’t
going anywhere, I indulged, and it wasn’t long before I was
refilling my glass. A few drinks later I was feeling pretty good
and didn’t care about the predicament I was in any
longer.

“
What do you say?” I
looked into his blue eyes as he smiled brightly at me. “Up for some
darts?”

“
Why not!” I raised myself
off the couch and became dizzy for a split second. Paul steadied me
and once the blood got back to my head I was ok.

“
How many have you
had?”

“
Don’t start with me.” I
smiled, “I’m fine.”

After a game of darts, I
wasn’t in the mood to play anymore. It was then that someone came
in the front door. Nobody else seemed to hear it but me. The dread
filled me. I knew who it had to be. His figure came into view and
our eyes immediately locked.

“
James! You’re back!”
Smith walked over and handed him a beer and then hugged him. “Glad
to see you got my text!”

Cal was giving him the evil
eye and Paul just nodded at him as Jane and Delaney chastised him
for disappearing for so long.

He pulled his gaze from
mine and looked to Paul, before acknowledging Smith. He took the
beer and drank it down. “I see the whole gang is here.”

The tone James used wasn’t
lost on me. He and Paul had managed to make the work relationship
work, as far as I knew, which I was grateful for. Nothing had even
happened between Paul and me, but Paul had made it known that he
was interested and waiting for me. I didn’t even know if James and
I were together or not. I mean, I knew we weren’t together and the
divorce papers were being drawn up. We’d created a life and now
that life was gone.

A solitary tear slid down
my cheek and I wiped it away before anyone saw. When I looked back
up I realized that James had seen. For a second I thought he was
going to come over to me, but he didn’t. I decided that alcohol was
the only thing that would get me through the night and refilled my
glass.

“
Who’s up for a game?”
Jane was doing everything she could to lighten the mood.

Delaney chimed in, “How
about ‘Never Have I Ever’?”

Jane, Paul, and Smith were
immediately on board. I agreed, too. With some minor persuasion
from Smith and Delaney, James joined in. Cal decided to stay sober
and keep score—more like he was keeping an eye on Paul and James.
Smith and James flipped over the poker table to reveal a hard top.
Delaney set down glasses and various liquor bottles as we began to
take our seats. I sat down at the end of the table; Paul took the
seat to my left with Jane next to him. Delaney took the seat to my
right, with Smith next to her, putting James across from
me.

He still hadn’t officially
said two words to me. His hair was pulled back and his expression
was fierce. “Never Have I Ever kissed a girl.” Everyone looked to
Jane, laughing. “What?”

“
Starting a little strong
aren’t you?” Smith was questioning her while smiling and Jane just
shrugged her shoulders.

Everyone took a drink as
Jane looked to Delaney and me and teased, proclaiming us
“Hookers!”

“
Jealous? I’ll kiss you
Jane, if he doesn’t mind.” Delaney pointed to Cal as he threw his
hands up in the air.

“
Don’t let me stop you,
Jane!” Cal was laughing and Jane was blushing.

“
I kissed a girl and I
liked it, the taste of her cherry chap stick.” The lyrics came
flowing out of my mouth before I realized I’d sung them, recalling
the kisses I’d exchanged with Roxy, or was it Misty? James was
glaring at me and Cal, well, I couldn’t look at him. Trying to
cover for myself, I rolled my eyes and blurted, “The song!” I got
up and plugged in my phone, since my iPod had mysteriously
disappeared, and put on
I Kissed a Girl
by Katy
Perry
.

“
Paul, you’re next.” Jane
ignored the building tension and elbowed Paul.

“
Never Have I Ever gone to
Prom.”

James and I were the only
ones who didn’t take a drink. It surprised me that he hadn’t gone
to Prom. It was my turn. I didn’t have any idea what to say and
began to panic. Remembering something James said about Delaney, I
blurted out, “Never Have I Ever role played in the
bedroom.”

Delaney, Smith, James, and
Paul all slammed back their shots. “I beg to differ.” His words
caught me off guard as I looked in his green eyes. His glare was
icy and locked on mine. What did he mean? Before I could think
about it longer, Delaney made her statement.

“
Never Have I Ever…this is
hard,” she looked to everyone, “had sex in an airplane.” Nobody
moved. Just as Delaney was about to pick up her glass, James picked
up his. “Ha. I knew it!”
Who the hell did
he have sex on an airplane with?
I was
beginning to think the game was a bad idea.

“
Ok, my turn.” Smith was
gazing to everyone while he rubbed his chin. “Never Have I Ever had
sex in my parent’s house.” Laughter broke out and they all started
razzing Smith that he hadn’t done that. We all took our shots. My
head was definitely beginning to swim. Now it was James’
turn.

“
Never Have I Ever let a
lover tie me up.” I just glared at him. I didn’t know if he was
trying to make a statement or if he was just being an ass.
He was never tied up? How was that
possible?
Everyone picked up their
glass.

“
Geez, you bunch of
harlots.”

Laughter filled the room as
Delaney said, “You’re the one engaged to a cop. So I’m guessing he
uses cuffs!”

Jane turned beet red before
she asked, “Never Have I Ever had sex in a barn.” Christ. Were the
fates out to get me?

I looked to Paul and
couldn’t help but smile as we lifted our glasses. I’d lost my
virginity to Paul, in
my
barn almost ten years ago. Though I was pretty
positive we were the only ones who knew that. Jane then asked for a
bathroom break and we all agreed. I remained seated as everyone,
some stumbling, moved away from the table.

“
It was him, in the barn,
wasn’t it?” I looked up as the room shifted in my vision, making me
dizzy. I was pretty sure James and I were the only two within
hearing distance.

“
Now you decide to talk to
me?” I tried to stand up and immediately fell back down to my
chair.

“
How much have you had to
drink?”

“
Not enough! As if you
give a shit.” I watched the hurt pierce his eyes as he gripped his
glass, turning his knuckles white. Bed, I wanted my bed, or a
toilet, or both, immediately. James stood up and walked over to me.
He pulled me to my feet, wrapped his arm around my waist and led me
to the sliding doors. “I don’t want to go outside.” I tried pushing
his hands off of me, but it was pointless.

Once we stepped on to the
deck, the cool air felt utterly refreshing as I inhaled it deeply.
Almost immediately my stomach was wrenching. I stumbled to the edge
and began unleashing the contents of my stomach. He was pulling my
hair out of my face and I was completely humiliated. Once my
stomach calmed down, he handed me a napkin to wipe my face with. It
was then I managed to shove his arms off of me.

“
Why are you
here?”

“
I didn’t know you’d be
here. I’ll leave in the morning. I wouldn’t want to interrupt your
romantic weekend with Paul.”

I attempted to smack him,
but he caught my wrist. Did he really think I went up there to be
intimate with Paul? I wasn’t ready to take that step. How could I
when I didn’t even know where James and I stood. I was trying to
think of what to say to him, but I had nothing. It was pointless.
The tears began rolling down my cheeks.

“
Cassidy. Why did you use
your safe word? Why did you let me think Paul was the father of the
baby?”

I was leaning against the
deck railing, digesting his words. “I, you, James you shut me out
in every way except physically. I didn’t know what else to do to
get through to you.” I took a deep breath, “As to the baby, you
told me you were fucking around with Melissa. I was hurt and wanted
to hurt you back.”

He ran his hands through
his hair, pulling a few strands loose, and then braced his hands on
the railing. “Cassidy, there are some things that are better left
unknown.” He was referring to shutting me out, I thought, and
didn’t respond to my statement about Melissa.

“
What are you talking
about? What’s haunting you? Please, tell me.” I couldn’t resist
touching him and wrapped his forearm between my shaking hands.
“James, please.”

His other hand came down
over mine as he turned to face me. “Cassidy, it’s too much. Too
many dark caverns that I don’t want to take you down. I’ve proven
over and over that all I do is hurt you.” He interlaced his fingers
with mine as my other hand covered my eyes.

I ached for him, his
demons, and whatever absurd reason he had that he wouldn’t let me
in. “I know you have nightmares. I have them too. I wish you’d let
me comfort you.” Why had I told him to go earlier? If I’d asked him
to stay, maybe things would be different. We could have been on our
way to reconciliation.

“
I wish for that too. But
it’s too late. You said so yourself.” I looked up to him and there
it was again. That distant look he got when he’d made a decision
that he wasn’t going back on. “We’ve lost too much, together and
alone. I can never make it up to you. You deserve to be happy.” He
then pulled me in his arms, confusing me even more.

Sobbing, I cried out, “You
make me happy. Please don’t do this.” I looked up to him, pleading,
begging, and wishing I knew what to do to get him to open up and
change his mind.

“
You need to let me go,
Cassidy.” He pried my arms off of him and stepped several feet away
from me.

“
I will not let go. What
are you so afraid of?” He rushed to me then and the look in his
eyes startled me.

“
You have no idea
what
real
fear
is. You have NO idea what I’ve seen, done and tolerated in this
world.” I’d never seen him so angry. He was gripping my upper arms
so tightly that I knew I’d surely have a bruise or two. “And I
won’t subject you to it. Not now. Not after everything else you’ve
been through.”

“
I have no idea because
you won’t tell me!” I tried pulling myself out of his grip and
yelled, “You’re hurting me.” His hands dropped from my arms as the
sliding door opened up.

Paul poked his head out
asking, “Everything ok. We’re ready to get the game back up and
running when you are.”

James looked to me, “She’s
in no condition to play. I’m done too.” He then leaned in so only I
could hear and whispered, “Paul loves you. Let
him
love you. He won’t let you
down.” His words were like a dagger to the heart. I heard his
footsteps as he walked away from me, but my world was
spinning.

“
James, what’s going on?”
Paul was suspicious, too, and I wasn’t entirely sure if he had
heard what James had said to me or not.

“
Get her to bed. She’s
already hurled over the deck.”

“
Dude, where are you
going? You’re in no shape to drive.”

“
I’m not driving anywhere.
Just take care of her. She needs someone she can count
on.”

I listened while they
discussed me like I wasn’t even there. He was handing me over to
Paul like I was a piece of property. How had it happened? My legs
gave out and I sank to the deck floor. I think, no, I knew I was in
a state of shock.