Life After (3 page)

Crawling into bed I’m mentally prepared for another sleepless night. I pray that this is all just a bad dream. I’ll be the first one to say I’m not happy with God right now, but having not had a full night’s sleep since I came home from the hospital I’m exhausted, both physically and mentally. At this point I would make a deal with the devil just to sleep without a nightmare. My body is calling for sleep but all I see are flashbacks when my eyes are closed, it’s a sick cycle, it’s. Why must the accident keep replaying over and over again? Pulling my hair out of the way I put my pillow over my face and let out a muffled scream, releasing some of my frustration. Pulling the pillow off my head I feel somewhat better.

Stuffing it under my head I try and reshape it to find a comfortable spot only it feels like
it’s made of bricks. Unable to find a soft spot I give up. I’m in the process of punching the pillow just out of pure anger when there’s a knock at the door interrupting my battle with the pillow.

“This isn’t over, pillow.” I growl menacingly at it.

Jenny walks in and makes herself at home clicking on my bedside lamp, filling the room with a soft light. She gently sit’s on my bed and sighs, setting the glass of water down with a clink and setting my pills on the nightstand beside my bed.

“You left these in the kitchen.”

“Thanks for bringing them in.”I say begrudgingly.

I can’t help but want to down
the entire pill bottle.  I have to keep my hands clenched in a fist so as not to try and grab the medicine bottles from the nightstand in front of her.

What would happen if I swallowed the entire bottle?  Maybe life would be better if I ended mine. I can’t help but feel that it isn’t right to be alive. Would I go quickly? Would it hurt? Would I be reunited with my family? Would anyone mourn me?

I’ve got all these thoughts shouting inside my brain bringing on a headache. The blackness of these thoughts starts to override my cautious side as if I am in a winding dark tunnel when in fact I never left the room. I can feel the damn pill bottle taunting me.  I snap back to reality when Jenny places her hand on my leg.. 

She doesn’t say anything
, just sits there, totally unaware of my thoughts. I wonder what she would say if she knew my thoughts. She looks worn down and I think we both just need the comfort of being near someone so I keep my mouth shut.

After a few minutes she stands up rubbing her hands and grabs my pain meds. She pushes the pill bottle into my hands and I obediently shove them into my mouth, washing them down with the glass of water in Jenny’s outstretched hand.

It’s still tense between us, but part of me hopes it gets better. Closing my eyes our lives yet again play like a movie. Sinking into the comfort of the movie I succumb to the inevitable dark void the pills create for a few hours.

***

When I finally wake it’s almost noon, and I don’t bother showering before getting dressed. I head to the kitchen opening the fridge and am amazed by all the casserole dishes..

What is it about funerals and casserole dishes? I could feed a third world country
for  three days with all this food. Lifting the tinfoil off one my nose scrunches up, gross tuna fish casserole. Gagging, the third world country in my head is saying even we won’t eat this. Someone dies and they think tuna is going to make it better? Seriously? It’s almost as bad as that jello with the fruit floating in it. Moving a few more things around I see the ominous red jello with—you guessed it—floating fruit.

When my grandma passed away a few years ago we lived weeks off the dishes people brought by. I was so used to opening the door and someone having a casserole dish that it took me a few weeks to get back into the groove of things when people dropped by empty handed. Tossing the offending tuna casserole out, I close my eyes and choose a different one. Lifting the tin foil I find spaghetti, score
!, Sighing deeply I glare at the offending jello and throw it out as well. I put some of the spaghetti on a paper plate and throw it in the microwave. My stomach lets out a huge growl as it’s heating. Sitting down, I realize this is probably the one of the last few meals I’ll eat here.

I’m lost in thought while I
eat the ghosts of my family walking around the kitchen. I can almost see my mom standing at the kitchen cooking and my dad at the table working on something with Lexi. My throat tightens and I shake away the images as I finish eating.

***

Jenny must have put suitcases by the front door because there they are waiting for me to leave. Grabbing my mom’s pillow I place it on top. A light bulb goes off in my head and I go to her room and grab the spray she uses on the pillow... Mentally checking off my list I’m pretty sure I packed everything I need including my laptop and Kindle.

There’s a knock at the door which kind of aggravates me as I’m trying to get my stuff taken care of. When I open the door all my anger dissipates. My best friend Jamie is standing on the front step looking at me uncertainly
, she wasn’t at the funeral due to traveling for a swim meet. Motioning her in she carefully gives me a hug, maneuvering around the crutches.

“I can’t believe your leaving. This all feels like a nightmare,” she says.

Nodding, I say, “No kidding.”

We’ve been friends since kindergarten and usually we don’t even have to talk to know what the other’s thinking. She pulls me in for another hug but when I pull away she cringes, and rummages through her purse, handing me a tissue. I didn’t even realize there were tears on my face they’ve been there so often.

“Thanks.” I say, wiping my face. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss you too, but at least we can talk to each other through Skype right and I can try and visit you? It’s not like you’re going to Antarctica right? I have to keep you in the loop you know
...”

Nodding, I let out a small laugh. “Yep, no penguins where I’ll be, unless they are at the zoo,” I say jokingly.

We stand there awkwardly not really knowing what to say to one another. This is weird, we are never awkward. We’ve seen each other at our worst. Heck I had to help Jamie when she was having a walk of shame moment with a guy from the football team last year.

“I
’m so sorry about your family Hadley, they were like my second family and well I’m just so sorry.” Jamie fiddles with the small package in her hands before shoving it towards me. Opening it I see it’s one of those best friend necklaces where she keeps a half and I keep a half.

Putting it on I hug her agai
n, thanking her for the gift. “Can we not talk about that right now? I just want to spend time with you before I leave.” I hope I can fake being happy for a little while with Jamie.

There’s a knock at the front door and Jamie’s mom walks in with
yet another casserole. I almost want to scream when I see the casserole. I can only hope it’s not tuna. The little third world country in my head is praying it isn’t tuna as well. It’s not like we’re even going to eat them. But I still thank her and put it in the fridge.

“Hadley, how are you doing?” she walks over to me all
mom like and gives me a hug. “I am so sorry this all happened.”

“Sweetie,” she says to Jamie, “You have that swim meet this afternoon so we have to get going.”

She doesn’t mention my family again and I’m glad. Grabbing Jamie in a hug I tell her goodbye and to promise to text and call her. I keep it light and she waves as she leaves… I watch them walk to their car together.

That hit’s me
hard and my heart clenches at the sigh. I won’t have moments like that with my mom anymore. I stand in the doorway until they drive away. Meandering down the hall I stop and stare at the pictures hanging on the wall. I brush my hands over the family pictures. Grabbing one off the wall I head to my room and slip it into my belongings.

Stopping in the doorway I watch the ghosts of my family.  All of us are laughing at my dad for his stupid football game day traditions that involved him wearing a hunk of plastic cheese on his head and his rattiest jersey, claiming his Packers won every time he did.

“I am not crazy, I am not crazy,” I say over and over.. Shaking my head to clear the ghosts I walk over to the DVD  shelf rummaging around I finally find the family vacation videos from the past few years. Popping them into the DVD player I grab the remote and sit down on the couch. Clutching a throw pillow to my chest I lean my chin on it and watch.

Images of us at Disney World pop up on the screen flooding the room with soft light. We had to find every single princess for
Lexi before we could leave and I never got to go on half the rides. My mom said we would go back in a few years and that’s not going to happen now.  A video of us pops up and it’s one where Lexi and I are standing next to each other waiting for my mom to take a picture when I burst out laughing. Mickey Mouse walks up behind us and puts rabbit ears on us. I stay awake for hours letting our laughing voices surround me once again, I can pretend for a short while that it’s reality.

Getting into the car was going to be a
problem. It took me about four tries before we could actually get on the road. I kept having panic attacks whenever I sat down and had to breathe into a paper bag. How stupid is that? I’m broken. I may never be fixed.  

I ended up having to double up on my anxiety medicine,
Xanex–which the doctor prescribed while I was still in the hospital its good stuff and I’m not going to complain about taking it. The only downside is that it makes me feel foggy sometimes… I took a double dose after the panic attack and it made me loopy enough that Jenny was able to get me in the car and on the road without me freaking out every few minutes. I could tell by the way she was tapping her fingers on the steering wheel she was stressed out, my mom used to do the tapping thing too, maybe it’s a sister thing?

Gradually coming out of the fog I sit there for a minute taking in my surroundings until I realize we are in fact moving. All hell breaks loose. It all happens so fast that I’m not even sure it’s real but I see a glint off a vehicle and my only thought is that I have to get out of the car. It’s a life or death situation and my heart is galloping
and my breath is coming out in great big gasps. My chest is tightening and I can’t breathe. I need to get out of the truck. Yanking the seat belt off I don’t think I just go for the door handle. Jenny swerves to the side of the road and slams on the breaks seconds before I push open the door and tumble out my elbow hitting the rocks on the side of the road, their jagged edges biting into my flesh. Pulling myself the rest of the way army style I literally just lay there panting grateful to be out of the car. . I hear Jenny run over to the side of the road where I am but refuse to look at her.

Breathing
heavily I inhale fresh air as if it was the cure for everything thankful to still be on solid ground. Squinting I pull my sunglasses down from the top of my head shielding my eyes from the sunlight I stay there for several minutes waiting for my body to stop shaking. Jenny leans into the passenger side and grabs my purse feeling around for my pills. Pulling them out and grabbing a sprite from inside the truck she twists off the caps and hands me the drink and pills. She doesn’t need to say anything. My face is bright red and hot with embarrassment, I can almost guarantee she is wondering what she got herself into with me.

Turning to look at that stupid car I inhale watching Jenny twist something on the side of the door before going to get back into the driver’s side of the car.

When she walks away I lean forward to see what she did. I read aloud, “Child Lock engaged.” No shit. Eighteen with child locks installed. Go me. I guess almost jumping from a speeding car makes it necessary.

***

Shifting in my seat to get feeling in my numb butt, I can only hope we are going to stop soon. I’m very thankful  Jenny has a truck and not a car so I can stretch out and not be all scrunched up and uncomfortable, but it doesn’t help.. Even with the medicine holding my panic at bay I find myself tightening my seatbelt  and watching the other cars pass us, wondering if we or anyone else will get into accidents today.

They saying that everything can change in a split second is
so  true. I would never in a million years think I would be the sole survivor of an accident that killed my entire family. I mean in reality it’s something no one freaking thinks about. Sometimes life really blows. Biting my nails while staring out the window silently   we pass a guy carrying an old guitar case trying to hitch a ride. I feel bad for the guy having to walk but at the same time I’ve watched way too many episodes of Disappeared; that show where people pick up hitchhikers and are never found again.

The scenery changes and the bleary silence
continues. Closing my eyes I find myself falling back to sleep. It’s not long before I am gasping for air as I wake up from another nightmare to see that Jenny stopped at a gas station.. I wish I could get out but she has that damn child lock on and she went inside for something. Hitting the door in anger and crossing my arms I stare out the windshield.

I hate being treated like this. It pisses me off. Make one mistake like trying to get out of a car while it’s still in motion and I get the child lock put on. I jump as she opens the driver’s door handing me a bag of goodies. Opening the bag I see the loot; Skittles, Hershey bars and my favorite: Nerds.
Digging through the bag I grab the nerds pouring them straight into my mouth.

Tilting my head back I feel eyes on me and notice that Jenny is staring at me.

“What? I’m reliving my childhood.”

“You’re weird, hand me those Hershey bars.” Grabbing one I
unwrap it for her as we drive away.

My knee has been throbbing since I had my panic attack and practically jumped out of the car is making my leg pretty immobile, since I can’t bend it and I have to sit with it straight out. It wasn’t a smart move on my part but at the time I didn’t care.

Glancing in the bag I take out the pack of Nerds, opening them up I pour them in my mouth letting the sour sweet flavor roll around in my mouth. Watching the cars fly pass I’m mentally doing multiplication tables in my head. Anything to take my mind off the fact I’m in a car. I don’t care for cars anymore since the accident but unfortunately we can’t fly to Texas due to how expensive the back and forth would be on Jenny and I don’t have access to any money right now. We’ve been on the road for several hours and could it take any longer to get to where we are going? Seriously I am so sick of driving, I Google directions on my phone to see how much further. The drive from Florida to Irving, Texas should take us around nine hours and we’ve been on the road for what feels like forever but glancing at the dashboard clock it’s only been around five hours.

Covering my mouth when a huge yawn comes out of nowhere I lift off the seat in hopes of getting comfortable but t
hat’s not happening. Turning on my iPod I turn to my Jakob Dylan playlist, leaning back I settle in listening to his soothing voice. Seeing a sign for food makes me realize how hungry I am and I go to open my mouth to tell her to stop but looking over at her I realize she is too busy talking on the phone to be aware of what I’m doing. Sighing I lean my head back on the headrest. Stiffening suddenly when I hear my name mentioned I tense waiting to hear what she has to say.

“She tried to jump out of the car, Andrew.”

When she pauses I hear a man’s voice with a very thick Texas accent through the speakerphone mumbling to someone to be quiet. This is new; she must think I’m sleeping. Leaning my head towards the window I continue to pretend to be asleep .

“Why’d she do that?” Do you think it’s safe to be driving with her?”

I can hear the concern in his voice for Jenny. Like I’m going to harm her or something, I scoff silently. Damn it–I’m not a criminal or anything. I freaked out. It happens. I’m abnormal I get it.

“I don’t know she was sleeping and like BAM woke up and was trying to get out of the car like a bat out of hell. I was going about
seventy and had to slam on the breaks to get to the side of the road and she hauled ass out of the car. Do you think we can handle this? She’s pretty messed up. It’s going to take some work to get her back to normal again.”

I hear him sigh into the phone, biting the inside of my lip until I taste blood I await his answer. I’m scared of his response. I’m eighteen, they don’t have to take me in or help me.
I’m technically an adult. So for them to be doing this is going above and beyond and I might have accidently screwed the whole thing up.

Finally he clears his throat, “I think it’s going to take work and you can’t expect her to be normal after what she went through, Jenny. Things are going to happen. Remember what happened with Avery the first few months after he came to live with us?”

Laughing, “Oh yeah, that was hell on earth. Remember when he would go out partying at all hours and we found him that one time butt naked laid out on the kitchen table?”

They are both laughing over this and my eyebrow arches.

Say what? Who is this Avery? And why was he naked on a table? When they start whispering I lean closer not watching where I am leaning and my elbow falls off the center console knocking a few CD’s down to the floor.

Startled Jenny stops her whispering and looks at me with wide eyes.
I  assume she’s  waiting for me to freak out or something or hoping I didn’t just hear her conversation. Smiling at me she holds up a finger, “Hey, Andrew I have to go. Hadley just woke up and we’re going to go find something for lunch.”

“
Mmm kays…talk to you in a few.”

Finally lunch
, I think, my stomach rumbling in anticipation.

Awkward silence fills the car and neither of us fill it with words because we’re too busy looking for road signs
and  a place to stop for lunch.

***

I contemplate trying to kiss the ground once I’m out of the car, unfortunately when I try to open the truck door I remember that I can’t. Jenny rounds the truck and opens the door for me, “Sorry, I put the child lock on in case you tried to  open the door and get out  like the last time. You know the whole fight or flight response.” She shrugs like she’s trying to protect me.

How embarrassing, I’m not even going to tell her that I knew she did that earlier today. Twisting my hands in my lap I wait for Jenny to bring me my crutches not able to even look her in the face. She hands
them to me and I stick them under my arms and adjust them as one digs into my arm.

Walking awkwardly into the restaurant I sigh in relief. I made it without falling. I’m also happy we stopped at a Denny’s, nothing fancy but they serve breakfast 24/7
… The smell of bacon fills the air and I inhale deeply. I’m bumped from behind by a waitress who apologizes sheepishly. I look across the room to see that my aunt’s already seated at a table. Awkwardly juggling the crutches I maneuver my way beyond the chairs and find my way to the   table Jenny’s at and sit down. I eat quickly savoring it as if I haven’t eaten for days.

Looking at my phone to distract myself I notice the time and am counting down the minutes until I’ll be able to get some time to myself. I used to be a people person but ever since the accident all I want is to be alone. I’m sick of the pity. My mood is black and I’m sure Jenny wishes she didn’t have to do this for me.

“Not much longer until we get to my place. My fiancé, Andrew lives with me.” Jenny looks at me while dipping her fries in ketchup. “He’s been getting your room  ready. . He had to move his office from downstairs to upstairs so you don’t have to walk up and down the stairs until your leg gets better.”

Nodding I continue to make a play of eating. I hate to be a bother to their lives. Having to move his office to another room must be a pain in the
ass .

Looking up from my fries I mumble, “I’m sorry about him having to move. I could have just taken the room upstairs or even the couch.” But in all honestly I’m not exactly sure I could. I was taught to be polite and my mom would be disappointed in me if I didn’t at least offer to take the couch.

Jenny’s eyebrows are raised when she listens to me. I may have insulted her by suggesting the couch by the look on her face.

“No,” she says glancing at her watch. “You’re going to be living with us for awhile and
there’s no way I would ever let a family member sleep on the couch.”

Keeping my head down I nod and continue forcing myself to finish some of the food in front of me, I don’t taste any of it. After several attempts Jenny gives up trying to have a conversation with me. I wish I could feel apologetic about not talking but I don’t have it in me. We sit there in silence letting the other diner
customers conversation roll over us. At least we didn’t have to eat in complete silence. Jenny pushes her plate away wiping her mouth and looks at me expectantly.

“You all done?”

Nodding I methodically put my plate on top of hers and push my chair up grabbing my crutches.