Life After (9 page)

“Maybe, but it got your mind of the panic right?” he says, pleased with himself. “Now seriously let’s get in the car and get to the damn doctor, I’m hungry.”

Groaning I glance at my silver colored nemesis and carefully get in. Avery drags the seat belt around my chest but I slap his hand away and do it myself.

I cross my arms over my chest and look anywhere but at him. I’m incredibly angry at myself for letting him see me that way again and going off on him for no reason. The ride is silent accept for the music in the background coming from the stereo.

Turning the page of an extremely old Cosmo I feel my chair shaking like a miniature earthquake thanks to Avery, his leg pulsating like a mini earthquake a major pet peeve of mine. Putting the magazine off to the side I place my hand on his leg to stop the shaking. “Avery, I’m super nervous and I’m sorry but your leg bouncing is driving me up the wall.”

“Sorry” He places his hand in mine and squeezes. It’s no wonder I feel so safe with him even though half the time I’m angry with him.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you in the car. I’m not used to the new me and the panic attacks that won’t seem to go away. I never know when they’re going to happen and I get angry and take it out on the first person I see.” Feeling an arm draped across my shoulder I’m suddenly pulled closer to his side.

“Everything is going to be okay,
Hads. Your knee doesn’t define you. Your heart does. Who you are on a daily basis does. Your parents wouldn’t care about your knee and I honestly don’t think they would want you worrying about whether you’re going to walk with a limp or not.” I stare at him blinking; this little moment was totally unexpected here in the doctor’s office.

“Thanks, for that um Hallmark moment,” I say, knocking my shoulder against his. “And
Had’s?” I ask, raising an eyebrow as I glance at him only to realize he’s doing the same thing. His mouth turns up in a half smile.

“You know, I wasn’t always this sad or
pathetic.”

“You are so lucky
we’re in a waiting room or I would show you how not pathetic I think you are,” he responds a loud whisper. “And yes ‘Hads’ if I give you a nickname it means you’re important to me.”

Staring at him in shock, I’m mentally having an argument with myself
. What kind of daughter am I if I am okay with moving forward like this, where is my loyalty to my parents? I mean who does that? What kind of horrible person does that? I’m so lost in my head that I fail to hear the nurse calling my name until, Avery taps my shoulder pulling me out of my conflicting thoughts.

“Hadley?”

“Hmm?”

“I think it’s your turn to go back. That or the nurse just likes to randomly walk out and call names.”

“Hardee har har.” I grab the crutches leaving Avery reading Woman’s Day— or not as he grabs the door to hold it open for me, my purse clutched in his other hand. For something so blindingly hot pink he wore it well. On the other hand I’m wondering why the hell he thinks he can come see the doctor with me.

Before either of us are seated, the physical therapist walks in. She looks around my mom’s age
, dark curly hair and some pretty awesome Scooby Doo scrubs. Looking up from her chart she adjusts her glasses.

“Hi, Hadley, I’m
Marie Thomas, I’m going to be your Physical Therapist.   Jesus, Mary and Joseph, why is everyone so darn bubbly in the town? What the heck do they put in the water? Holding her hand out I take it. It’s warm and soft unlike the last doctor I saw who hands were cold and dry. Marie looks over at Avery and shoots me a grin.

“Normally I don’t let boyfriends in here during a session but since this is the first one and the first appointment is mainly me getting to know you I’ll let him stay this time.”

“Oh he’s—“I start to say but Avery cuts me off.

“Thanks for letting me stay.” He smiles at her. “I want to know how I can help Hadley in any way possible. It’s what we boyfriends are there for.”

He puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to him and kissing my head for good measure.  Shaking my head I move out of his grasp and to the chair to get some space.

“
Alrighty then, let’s get your bandage unwrapped and see what’s going on and how it’s healing.”  Marie says smiling.

I’m nervous. I really don’t want her to take the bandage off my knee. I try not to look whenever I change the bandage at home. I noticed Avery fixated on my knee, the same expression at the carnage of Shark Week crossing his face. “Look away,” I hiss, hoping
Marie doesn’t hear me. I don’t want Avery seeing me disfigured. I don’t want him there at all but he’s being insistent.

I also really don’t want Avery to see it and be disgusted by it. My emotions are running the gamut and must be showing on my face because instead of staring at my knee, Avery is staring at me, his lips in a flat line, his thumb rubbing the edge of my hand. I concentrated on that feeling as she is unwraps the bandage, but I’m sure what Avery is doing to me is no
longer helping with the anxiety.

Clearing her throat once the bandage is off,
Marie says, “Hadley, You can’t keep your knee covered like this anymore. Your knee needs to air out and it needs to breathe. Keeping the bandage on is impeding the healing process.”

She takes the wrap that covers the bandage and throws it into the trash can. I want to go grab it and put it back on my knee. It’s literally taking everything in me not to retrieve it. It feels like she is throwing away my security blanket.
I don't want to people to see my knee, even though I know it could have been worse. Much worse. The sight of the jagged map of scars along my mangled limb screams in disgust. I am disfigured forever, a mutant among the masses of the pretty and those baring no marks. Untouched by any harm or distress. The sight of the pink line from the surgery makes me ill to my stomach.

Glancing at the trash can in the corner I contemplate going for it. The small divots the car metal made on impact are like a beacon I have to touch. Supposedly there is still metal in my knee they couldn’t get out. They compared it to shrapnel like Iron Man, only I did nothing heroic to get it in my knee.

Shaking my head I look at Avery who is staring at me with a sad smile on his face. It’s as if he knows what I’m thinking. He grabs my hand squeezing it gently.

I’m sitting in the chair with my back straight and then she has me stand up and do them. Holding on to the back of the chair I try to complete them. It’s difficult but not impossible. She
writes in her folder while moving over to the cabinet, pulling several sheets of paper and a folder to put them in.

“Okay, here are some exercises I want you to try at home twice a day until I see you at your next appointment.” She goes over them with me and hands them to Avery to hold. “Oh and one more thing, go down to the pharmacy here and hand them this prescription for a walking cane so you can ditch the crutches. No more excuses. I will see you again next week, Thursday at eleven. You can make the appointment at the second window by the door.”

Before she leaves she turns and the idea of a cane makes my heart sink. Crutches are for young girls who fall out of trees and break their legs, canes are for old people and I don’t exactly feel eighty yet. I get up to leave, and hear her voice behind me as I enter the hall. “We are going to get you walking as best we can Hadley; I want to see you reach for the stars, sweetie.”

***

After making the appointment we make our way to the pharmacy and finally leave the building minus the crutches. I still have a problem with the cane. Shielding my eyes from the bright sunlight I notice a small park across the street with the most amazing fountain one very similar to the Charybdis Fountain in England. How do I know this? Well let’s just say I had way too much time on my hands one summer and did a lot of reading.

I have no idea why but I have the urge to walk over there, but why not. Walking up to the fountain I can see how beautiful it is. It has a sculpture of the tree of life in the center of it and it’s a deep bronze color but when the sun hits it there are rainbows in the bronze. Glancing back, the wind whips my hair into my face. Moving it behind my ears I look at Avery who’s slid his sunglasses on and is sitting on the bench beside the fountain. I can’t help but wish I had brought some sunglasses.

“I’m not fishing you out if you jump in,” he calls as he pulls out his phone.

“
It’s not physically possible Avery.”

Staring at the fountain frowning I can’t even joke with him right now, I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow.

“When are you going to stop with the pity party,Hadley?” Avery looks over at me as I sit on the bench moving Avery’s legs. He crosses his arms. 

“You didn’t just say that to me.” I’m slightly miffed he would say that.

“Um, yes I did.”

“Why would you say something like that to me?”

“Hadley, you’re amazing. Do you know what happened when my dad started hitting me? I went wild. I partied, I did drugs, had sex with random girls and some other things I’m not proud of. We all have our own different ways of coping with things. I think yours is guilt and self hatred, but you need to get over it and move on. You’re making me feel bad and it’s a beautiful day out.”

Unable to look at him I watch the water splash into the pool. “Were you a therapist in another life?”

Avery laughs, “No…but I’ve been to some pretty good ones.”

“Did that therapist tell you sometimes you can be really insensitive?”

“Yep.”

“Here I am worrying about what my knee looks like and my family is gone. They don’t have the option of worrying about what anything looks like. I’m so stupid.” Turning towards me he puts his finger on my chin and tilts my head up.

“You have to find your own way of coping. Not the way I did or your current way. You’re so full of survivors’ guilt that it is literally tearing you apart and you can’t live that way.” He looks me firmly in the eye. “You have to talk to someone about it. It’s only a matter of time before you break. I’ll be there to catch you but I really don’t want you to hurt anymore.”

I wipe away the tears I didn’t realize were running down my face. He pulls me into a hug and whispers to me, “I’m glad you’re here. I know you feel like you don’t deserve to live but I’m glad you did. I’m sorry they’re gone. But don’t ever think it should have been you.”

Leaning back but still holding on to me he breathes deeply his gaze digging into me and says softly, “Imperfections are beauty. They are what make us whole. Your knee isn’t ugly or mangled, neither is your face that you try and hide. It’s like you. A survivor.”

He has left me speechless, again. Swallowing, my mind is so jumbled. He has humbled me. I’ve never had someone talk to me this way. I thought guys only did that in movies. Hugging Avery I lean over giving him a light kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.” His words have stolen my ability to say more.

“So,” he says looking at his watch, “You about ready to go get something to eat?” He asks about food so nonchalantly as if he hasn’t just said something that has and will profoundly change the way I see things.

“Sure.” Standing up, I’m about to follow him when I remember I never made a wish. “Oh wait a second. I need to make a wish. Opening my purse I stick my hand in trying to hunt down some change. My purse is like a treasure trove of things I should have thrown away. I find a few pennies and hold them up triumphantly.

“Aha!” I smile at him opening my palm and showing Avery what I found. He peers into my hand and removes two skittles, a receipt and some lint, finally unearthing the two pennies. Holding them in my hand I give him one and we both stand in front of the fountain and close our eyes. Turning my head I double check to make sure his eyes are closed and smile when I see they are.

I wish…I…wish...closing my eyes tightly I tune everything out and think about what I wish for. I wish that I can be happy again one day that the pain will not be so overwhelming all the time. Throwing the penny into the water I watch it arc in the air and hear the ping of it hitting the water opening my eyes to see Avery watching me intently with a grin on his face.

“Let’s go get some food.”

He slips his hand in mine as we walk to his car. I sense something has changed between us today. He unlocks the car helping me in and putting the cane in the backseat. He slides into the driver’s side and starts the car, Toby Keith is singing about bars and horses and not even that can ruin my day.

We end up at a diner that apparently has the best burgers in town.  We sit in a booth and I silently contemplate what we’re going to order, burger, burger or more burgers. Pulling my menu down, I watch Avery bite his thumb while he scans the menu as he talks to me.

“I read on your bucket list that you had wanted to eat a burger with everything but the kitchen sink on it. Why that was on your bucket list I don’t know, but who am I to judge? You’re going to want to get the
TexAss burger.

Oh so he hasn’t forgotten the list.

“I can feel you staring at me, Hadley.”

Blushing I look down at my menu.
“Pfft...I wasn’t staring, I don’t stare.” Where is the hole I need to jump in? Seriously there is never a freaking hole when you need one.

“Yes you were. But it’s okay. I know—” He is interrupted by the waitress. Grinning I look at her and cover my mouth so he doesn’t see my smile.

“Hi, y’all,” The waitress says, smacking her gum loudly. “What can I get ya?” I’ve never been so happy to see a waitress in my life. I would hug her if she wouldn’t think I was crazy. Looking at the menu I tell her, “I’ll have the, um TexAss burger and a coke.” Feeling my face heat up I cover it with my hands.

Laughing she scribbles that down, “I always get a kick out of it when people say that.” Turning to Avery she gets his order and tells us she will be back with our drinks.

“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” I ask opening my straw and blow the wrapper at Avery.

“Well, I want to see a smile on your face. You’ve been so sad since you came to live here. I want to know what Hadley looks like when
she’s happy.”

I’m interrupted
by our food arriving. Wow that was fast. The burgers are huge and there’s no way I’m going to be able to finish it. Grabbing the knife I end up cutting it in half and digging in. Taking a sip of my drink to let my brain process what he says I look at him, “There’s a before Hadley and an after Hadley. After Hadley doesn’t know why she lived and they all died. After Hadley is full of guilt because she survived, after Hadley needs you to understand that it’s the little things that make her happy.

Looking up from his burger he crumbles a napkin and throws it at me. “Can Hadley stop talking in the third person?”

“Yes, Hadley thinks she can.”

Finishing up our meal Avery pays, making this even more of a date. Taking the lead he pulls me out of the booth
and won’t tell me where we’re going. Surprisingly my mind is so busy wondering where we are that I don’t have a panic attack when I get into the car. He turns the music up, the bass pumping through my heart. He drives slowly down the highway, knowing I’m not confident with cars, but he makes jokes and takes my mind off the road.  I don’t bother asking if I can change the radio, I just do it. The beautiful voice of Luke Bryan comes through the speakers.

“This music stinks. You’re making me less of a man having to listen to this.” Smirking he turns the radio back to his channel.

I shoot Avery a pouty lip. “You said this was my day. My day equals my music.”

Driving with one hand on the window sill and one on the wheel he turns his head towards me, “I don’t want to
shake it for Luke Bryan and I never will.”

Back up a minute, did he really just say no to Luke Bryan? I’m shocked. I sit there
dumbfounded. How can you not enjoy the greatness that is Luke Bryan? Huffing I change the channel, switching to a station that’s playing Brantley Gilbert’s, Kick it in the sticks. “Is Brantley okay with your royal highness?”

He looks over at me with a serious look on his face. “Yes, serf.”

Rolling my eyes, “Oh you’re so funny I forgot to laugh...”

“Ah, enter the sarcastic side of
Hadley; I like this side better than mopey Hadley.” Turning the car into what looks like the movie theatre I smile and glance over at Avery waving my hand in the air.

“I’ll take Movies for 500, Alex.”

“Oh look the smartass has decided to join us. Welcome.” Shaking his head he asks me for help looking for a parking spot. After circling the parking lot twice, we have no luck. At this point I’m starting to get exasperated and beg him to just pick a spot and park anywhere.

“Enough with the parking roulette.”

Finally picking a spot he gets out of the car and walks over to my side opening the door. “Alright, get out smart ass, enjoy the long walk…let me know if you need refreshments along the way.” After making sure I have my cane he looks over at me, cocks his eyebrows locking the doors and asks if I’m ready before we start walking towards the theatre.

“What movie are we seeing?”

“Something funny.”

He walks up to the ticket booth pulling out his wallet he tells the half asleep girl working the booth he needs two tickets for
the newest animated movie. He hands her the money and she slides the tickets beneath the window with a dazed look.

“
A kids movie, huh.” I look at him with my eyebrow raised.

“You don’t think we’re a bit too old for it?”

He looks at me like I’m nuts. “You need to laugh and who better than the Minions to make you laugh?”

I am intrigued by these
minions; I’ve never seen a minion before. Heading over to the concession stand I look over at Avery, his wallet in hand.  It dawns on me that I haven’t paid for anything today. I ask him to hold on a second so I can stop and grab some money from my purse. As I’m looking for my wallet my purse is snatched from my hands.

Slightly aggravated he pressed his lips into a line. “I’m sure you don’t have enough pennies for the popcorn.”

I shoot daggers at him with my eyes feeling embarrassed. “I have more than pennies in my wallet.”  He tilts his head and looks at me oddly and I cringe when the reason dawns on his face. “Oh, no no no.”

He waves his hands around shaking them at me. “You are not paying for the popcorn.
I’ve never taken a girl to the movies and had her pay. It’s not how I roll.” 

He grabs my purse and holds it out of reach. No matter how annoying that macho me Tarzan, you Jane
is still makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I follow after him smiling to myself thinking I wish we had met under different circumstances. I’m not sure if before Hadley would’ve given him the time of day with all his piercings and his attitude, but that would have been a damn shame.