Life After (6 page)

“I’m...Well I’m not sure how I am actually.”

“Fair enough.” Steepling his hands together he stares out at the sky and the crickets are breaking up the monotony of silence.

“What’s that?” He asks nodding towards the notebook

I don’t know why but I decide to tell him, “Don’t laugh but it’s my Bucket List, my dad and I used to try the things on the list together. I used to add stuff to the list daily but haven’t really looked at it since the accident. I’m not even sure I want to keep the list.”

He looks over at me thoughtfully rubbing his chin,
“You’re not going to stop doing the stuff on that list are you?”

Thinking carefully before I answer, “I don’t think I can, it’s something my dad and I did together, it was our thing, you know?”

“What type of stuff is on it?”

I look up at the night sky so I don’t have to look at him and see his reaction as he hears so of the stuff on the list.

“Hmm, well singing in the rain, fishing, go to Hawaii lots of random things, you know? I just kept adding as I think of them.”

Leaning towards me he puts his hand on the notebook picking it up, it’s all I can do not to grab it from his hands.

“Maybe you should fulfill your tasks on the Bucket List and maybe I can help you?” He asks quietly.

I’m flabbergasted that was the last thing I expected coming from his mouth
.

I surprise even myself when I say, “
Let’s do it.”

I sit there long afte
r he goes in thinking about him and the mixed feelings floating around in my head about him.

I’m pouring cereal into my bowl Monday morning when Avery walks in looking all fresh from his shower. Meanwhile, I look like something that crawled out of the litter box.
We haven’t really talked the past few days since our Bucket List chat, but he did make a copy of the list and take it with him. Pulling the cereal right out of my hand he grabs a bowl and begins what I can only call his morning preening routine. He splashed milk into his bowl and mine, while simultaneously flipping through the newspaper. I noticed how he expertly avoids the Sports section, going so far as to fold it up and put it at the bottom of the stack.

“You know I can pour my own milk into a bowl right?”

“Yeah but it’s the southern gentleman in me.”

Rolling my eyes I take a spoonful the cereal. Watching him dig into the mountain of cereal I have to wonder if he can even eat it all.

“So,” he says between bites, “There’s this party over at my friend Kent’s tonight, nothing special just some people hanging out with music and drinks, wanna go?”

Hmm, a party?
I really shouldn’t but I don’t listen to my brain and blurt out, “Yeah.”

“Good, be ready to leave by seven
tonight,” he says shoveling the last of his cereal in his mouth.

He never mentions the list, which has me wondering what he is up too.

***

Seven rolls around and I’m ready and waiting  at the kitchen table getting the run down from Jenny
about how her day went and barely listening to her moan and groan about her sophomores who can’t do some sort of flip to save her soul. While she is still rambling on about the benefits of knowing handstand leap things Avery walks in and my breathe catches in my throat, He is a sight. He’s actually wearing a grey fitted shirt with a black leather jacket over it and slightly washed jeans. Without realizing it I let out a contented sigh just staring at him. My mouth must have popped open because Jenny leans over and pushes my mouth back up.

“You’re drooling.”She says drolly.

“What? Me? Never.”

Avery
grabs our jackets and holds the door open for me and as we’re walking out Jenny yells at us to have fun, I roll my eyes at her before Avery shuts the door behind us.

Walking to the car I close my eyes and am thankful I took an extra dose of
Xanex so I can get into the car somewhat easier than before without freaking out on Avery. After throwing my crutches in the back he starts the car and pulls out of the driveway.

The drive to the party is quiet with no talking and soft music playing in the background. Pulling up to what looks like a mansion he hops out and helps me out of the car grabbing the crutches and handing them to me. I follow closely behind him as we walk to the huge house.

Black Eyed Pea’s booms out of the house the closer we get and people crowd the front door like a mosh pit. I have no idea how I’m going to get in there but it’s like a sea parting when Avery walks in and I’m able to get in without tripping or knocking anyone down. Someone is passing out alcohol and I eagerly reach for a beer, but Avery stops me. . He seriously didn’t just beer block me did he?

Grinning he leans down, “The last time you had alcohol still gives me nightmares. I mean hell I’ve never seen anyone bring down a house like you did.”

“Well I’m not a little kid and you did your job by bringing me here, now go find your friends and leave me here.”

He glowers at me like he wants to have it out with me but the music is too loud and there’s people pressed right against us making it impossible to talk. 

“Look, “I say pointing to a chair. “It’s the perfect spot for me.”

He doesn’t look convinced but I get him to leave me after a few promises of no drinking. Ha, I think as I watch him walk away and grab a few Jello shots next to the beers. Semantics, I said no beers...not liquor. Downing five of those little suckers one right after the other I’m feeling pretty good. So good I no longer feel pain. No one approaches me and I continue to down Jello shots like they’re candy.  Combined with my pills I feel really sleepy, my eyes feeling heavier and heavier. I try to find Avery but it’s no use, there are too many people.

Standing up I stumble with the damn crutches to the door and trip into the front lawn. Trying to find Avery’s car is really hard because a) I don’t really remember what it looked like and b) everything is really fuzzy.

A guy startles me as he walks up next to me.

“Hey girl, you lost?”

“Um, no…no I don’t think so.”

“Maybe a little bit?”

Looking over at him wearily, “Okay maybe a bit.”

“You can come over here and sit with us if you want,” he says pointing to a group of people.

Looking at them I shake my head, “No thanks, I’m going to find my ride and get out of here.” Expecting the guy to leave I go to walk away, but the guy grabs my arm.

“You know what? I think you’d have more fun with me than your friend.”

“No, I’m really fine and let me go.” I say through a voice that sounds like it’s coming from someone far away. Trying to pull away from him is no
use , just as I think there is nothing I can do somehow Avery comes up beside me.

Staring down at the other guy he looks at my pale face and tells the guy to back off and puts his arm around me and walks me quickly to the car. I can feel the anger radiating off him in waves.

“What the hell was that?” he asks, his tone dripping with fury.

Leaning against the window I’m so damn tired that I’m having trouble concentrating on what Avery is asking me. When I don’t answer him he shakes me awake.

“Are you drunk Hadley? You weren’t supposed to drink damn it”

“You said no beer, nothing about liquor,” I mutter.

“Why do you keep doing this crap? Alcohol doesn’t solve anything.”

Quietly I say, “No it doesn’t solve anything but it helps me forget.”

***

The following week before Thanksgiving goes by quickly. After the party disaster Avery and I haven’t really talked much. He apparently carried me
in yet again and put me to bed I only know this because well I woke up in my room and there was a bottled water and Tylenol left on the dresser. He’s been working and going to school most days and if he isn’t there he’s either playing video games or working in the garage, doing his best to avoid me. I’m glad I haven’t seen him, part of me is scared about seeing him; I can’t help the churning in my stomach when I recall what happened at the party, I grimace at how I probably embarrassed him.

I stay in my room and end up playing a lot of solitaire on my laptop and catch up on reading.
You can finish a lot of books when you only leave your room for food and bathroom breaks. Anything to keep me from having to interact with people and pretend I’m okay. Although I can’t help the nagging feeling in my chest that I miss Avery’s presence which is weird since I haven’t known him for long and yet he’s managed to worm his way into my life.

Thanksgiving morning dawns bright and early for me. This is something I’ve been dreading for awhile now.
Dreading this day I pull the covers over my head and contemplate staying in bed all day. Hearing banging in the kitchen is a universal sign something is wrong. Blearily I reach for my phone, hearing more pans banging, a few curse words thrown in.

Oh geez. Sitting up rubbing my hands over my face I look around the dark room. There is an unpleasant feeling in my stomach. I feel
dark; it surrounds me like a dark cloud. This will be the first Thanksgiving without them. I’m not sure I can mentally do this. Opening the bottle of Xanex I shake a few out into my hand and swallow them, taking a deep breath. Staring at the pill bottle I give myself a pep talk. I can do this. I can pretend for their sake. I will not ruin the holiday. Lying back I wait for the pills to take effect. To take me to a semi-happy place where I can pretend nothing is wrong.

***

Taking a long shower I let my emotions run the gamut where no one can hear me or knows what I am doing. Tears pour down my face mixing with the warm water I stand there letting it wash over me. A banging on the door startles me out of the emotional cloud I am currently in. Aggravated I yank the shower curtain so my head sticks out. “What is it?”

“What are you doing?  You’ve been in there for like fifteen minutes!” Avery yells through the door.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes, leave me alone!” I yell back sticking my head back in the shower in hopes Avery leaves me alone. I grab the soap angrily and start scrubbing my arms really hard until they’re pink. What’s the big deal if I take a long shower? It’s not like I want to celebrate this holiday. Pulling open one of the drawers open I rifle through it looking for something sharp when I grasp what feels like scissors. I get a little bit excited and pull them out and see they are scissors for hair cutting. I feel like I’ve struck gold. Grabbing the scissors I open them up and put the cold sharp metal next to my wrist. Taking a deep breath I go to pull it across my wrist when the knocking starts again. What is with this house? Why can’t I have some freaking privacy? A small trail of blood comes to the surface from the scissors scratch. Shaken I pull myself out of my daze and turn off the water. Quickly grabbing a towel and wiping the small bit of blood away.

Stepping carefully on the fluffy blue bath mat I shakily sit down on the closed lid of the toilet. The
scissors are still firmly clenched in my hand letting it go as if it was on fire if falls to the floor. Shaking I stare as they lay innocently on the floor. What is wrong with me?

Drying off I stare down at the bandage on my knee. Pulling it off to replace it I grimace. The lines are red and the skin is a disaster, my knee was so damaged that while they fixed the knee it
will never look the same. It almost makes me want to throw up looking at it. There is more knocking at the door. Geez, What.The.Hell. Is with the knocking?  This isn’t Grand Central Station? Why won’t people just leave me alone?

Opening the door, Avery falls very ungracefully into the bathroom. Grabbing my towel tightly I glare down at him. He has the decency to blush and quickly rights himself putting a hand in his back pocket.

I’m so not used to living with guys. Huffing I cross my arms and look at him, arching an eyebrow, “What the hell do you want?”

“I was just wondering what you were doing.”

“What did you think I was doing in the shower and why the sudden interest in what I’m doing?” I ask him suspiciously.

“What, I can’t be concerned about you, Hadley?”

“No.” Avoiding his eyes I scan the room for a way out but he is blocking the doorway.

Walking up to me he and puts his hand underneath my chin tipping it so that I’m
looking at his face. “I’m worried about you. It’s your first holiday without your family and I’m here for you no matter what, okay? Don’t do anything drastic or anything. Come to me even if you just need me to keep the nightmares away, okay? I’ve been where you are. One day I might tell you about it.”

Looking around at the bathroom I suddenly have the urge to crawl under the rug. He shocks me when he pulls the
scissors from the rug. “What’s this for?”

Oh crap, thinking quickly I spout out the most logical answer.

“I needed to trim my hair?” Yes that’s a good response. Smiling I look at him in triumph.

He gets closer to me and grabs my wrist turning it over he lifts it up and sees the red line. “What’s this then?”

“Nothing! Leave me alone.”

Slamming the door in his face I look at the scratch and realize what I almost did and that Avery knows what I was going to do. I am so angry at him. Why does he have to stick his nose in business that isn’t his? Leaning against the door I recall the devastation on his face when he saw my wrist. Why should he feel that way? We hardly know each other.

This is so utterly unexpected I’m still standing there in my towel staring at the door ten minutes later. I finally pull myself out of the daze and get dressed heading into the kitchen, dreading it more then I should. Shaking off the shower incident I take a deep breath to prepare for Thanksgiving.

When I walk into the kitchen it appears to be a hectic time for Jenny from where I’m standing. She is elbows deep stuffing the uncooked turkey and saying some pretty unpleasant things to the turkey. “What did that turkey ever do to you?” I nod towards the turkey and walk towards the fridge and grab a glass of orange juice.

“First the son of a biscuit wasn’t fully unfrozen—then I had to pull the bastards organs out that were not in a bag like they should be and now I am trying to stuff the jerk and my back itches and I can’t itch my back because I have my hands up a turkeys butt.” Jenny gives me a death look as I hold back a laugh; walking up to her I scratch her back for her.

“
Ahhh that feels good, thank you. I can now defeat the turkey!”

“What do you need me to do?” I ask, taking a sip of my orange juice.

“I thought you’d  never ask. You can sit at the table and peel these.”  She hands me the bag of potatoes.

***

We’re putting the finishing touches on dinner. Stretching my hands I feel the aches in them, I never want to peel another potato again. The guys are watching football and randomly yelling at the television, I’ve dropped a plate twice now due to their shouting. I mean really, I understand the need to cheer for your team but I’m about to whack one of them over the head with a frying pan. Jenny even had me make the pumpkin and apple pies for dessert and with how busy I am I haven’t had a chance to sit down and wallow in grief and self pity. I’d never admit this to her but it made me feel important to make the pies. Yes, eighteen year old me has never made pies before. My mom rarely let me in the kitchen. Here is hoping they taste good.

Jenny calls the guys in and we sit down to eat. She has us hold hands and says a prayer. “Lord, it has been a rough few months with the loss of my sister, Molly, Dan and
Lexi. Lord we are thankful Hadley is here with us.” She squeezes my hand. “Blessed is the Lord our God. Thank you for this food. Amen.”

Everyone says amen but me. I’m trying to hold back tears as I pick up my fork but one rolls down my cheek. The food tastes like sawdust as I chew and listen to the voices around me. It hits me now that my mind doesn’t have any tasks to keep it from thinking. The guilt I feel for being here and the guilt I feel for being happy for a few hours is excruciating. I can’t do this anymore. Throwing the fork down I look up to see Avery watching me rudely I stand up, leaving the table and walk out the front door.

I put my ear buds in my ear and turn on Disturbed, letting them yell in my ear and drown out the images of the past. I don’t even pay attention to where I’m walking until strong arms wrap around me pulling me to them. I don’t even realize tears are falling down my cheeks until I feel hands wiping the tears off my face. 

Inhaling the spicy scent I know immediately that Avery has yet again come to my rescue. Leaning my head on his chest in the middle of an empty field he puts his arms around me
and lets me cry and rant at the world. He stays still and rubs my back. Pulling off my ear buds he walks me over to a bench on the edge of the grass. Sitting down he starts talking about the most random things. Like he told me once when he was six he insisted on wearing a dress to school and he once put glue on his teacher’s chair. We stay that way for over an hour with him talking and me listening with my head on his shoulder. Somehow he understands what I need more than myself.