Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (12 page)

I tell you that story to tell you this one. A definite BAITER infiltrated my family at one point since coming to Hollywood and knew me well enough to know about my loyalty hot button. When he made his “play” to try to get me to feature his product on my show, my professional staff balked. The product wasn’t the right fit for the show and would feel out of place. I agreed, and we moved on. This BAITER’s reaction was to come at me, armed with tales of disloyalty on the part of specific staff members who had blocked his plans. This person knew of my intolerance of disloyalty and used it to try to move my position and get me to turn a deaf ear to the oppositional thoughts from the people I trusted. He chose his lies carefully and aimed them like a gun.

I have to say he was good, but that little voice in my head was screaming, “Alert! Alert!” It was a voice I might have ignored at one time. Aunt Bee taught me better. He had me in his sights, shot, and missed. His target is still here to this day, but he, on the other hand, looks great in my rearview mirror. Those attempting to leverage you by exploiting your sensitivities and hot buttons will look great in your rearview mirror too.

Because BAITERs are such consummate liars, they can sometimes completely rewrite history when it serves them, rather than just tell a specific lie. They remember only the details that serve them to recall and simply “forget” the rest. They manufacture or “spin” what they need to in order to support their current position. And as I said, they are committed liars, they are master revisionists, and a lie unchallenged becomes the truth in time. If the BAITER’s version is told enough, it can become generally accepted, even by you! (Politicians from both sides of the aisle are experts at this one.)

As the personal revisionist historian rewrites that which he needs to be different, he will simply write you into a role that may have little or nothing to do with what actually happened. If you have found yourself standing there, jaw dropped, thinking you must have gone insane while hearing history rewritten right before you, you aren’t insane, but your efforts will be in vain. The BAITER in your life is reframing reality, and you are in the crosshairs. At least now you know how to label it.

I have a friend in Houston who was having some marital discord. His wife thought he was cheating on her, and I’m not sure whether he was or not. But on this day, we were flying in his plane to a business meeting in Washington, D.C. We had to stop by his house on the way to the airport to grab his bags. It was August and unbearably hot and humid, so he said, “Come on in a minute while I get my things, and then we’ll be off.” We opened the front door, and there stood his wife, Carol, stark naked (don’t ask me why—like I said, it was hot, I guess…I don’t know!). Now I didn’t notice that fact right way, despite her being uncommonly beautiful, because all I could see was the .357 Magnum Diamondback revolver she had cocked and pointed right at us! I knew this woman and knew her to be unstable and deranged. At the risk of sounding judgmental, this woman was also a gold digger of epic proportions, and the way you could tell whether she was lying was if her lips were moving. She was screaming things I can’t even write here and shaking with her finger on the trigger. My friend said, “Carol, honey, I know you are upset, but you need to put that gun down, and let’s talk like rational adults.” I’m thinking, “Beam me up, Scotty!” To fast-forward, she didn’t shoot, they did get a divorce, and she made a pretty penny, a very pretty penny.

The point of the story is that when she told her version of the events under oath in a private mediation, it was unrecognizable, to say the least. According to her, her abusive husband had barged in on her naked (kernel of truth) while in the shower, with some jerk buddy of his (me), and backed her into a corner so aggressively she finally picked up a gun to defend herself. Truth is—we never got past the entry hall, and her shower was 30 yards away. She was dry—I, on the other hand, was sweating so much I looked like I’d been in the shower—and she pulled that gun before he ever uttered a syllable. Selective memory and revisionist history by a BAITER with a very specific agenda. You’ve probably been there, ideally less dramatically, and you probably will be again. Now you know what’s going on.

This is a BAITER’s tactic that is an especially easy one to see,
if
you embrace one undeniable truth: “If they will do it
with you,
they will do it
to you
!”
BAITERs are so narcissistic, they don’t realize that you can see right through them when it comes to spreading lies and gossip. If they are standing there trashing someone else to you, it is naïve for you to think they won’t then go and trash
you
to someone else. BAITERs believe that undermining those with whom they live and work is just another tool for getting ahead. They believe if they can tear you down in the eyes of others, they will, by comparison, look better. And they will make you think they love you all the while!

They use these character-assassination tactics to recruit allies and attempt to co-op or highjack your support system. Their belief is that if they can get those who support you to switch their allegiance to them, then they have strengthened their position and, just as importantly, weakened yours. They will lie about you to create that shift. To your face, they profess their undying loyalty to you. Behind your back, they’re poisoning the well.

As my dad said, we can see in others only that which we possess within ourselves. That is why non-BAITERs can’t easily see a con man, an abuser, or a crook coming around the corner. It is also why BAITERs assume that if they don’t get you, you
will
get them. If you look at it that way, it makes perfect sense for BAITERs to attack, exploit, and victimize everyone they can. For if not, in their mind, they will become the victim. They can’t help themselves. Even if everything is running smoothly and everyone is happy, they will cross that line, just because they have that nagging fear that you will take advantage of them. And they
will not
be a sucker for anybody!

Insecure people, even non-BAITERs, are prone to this. Think about it: If Susan believes she won’t be accepted into a social circle, a club, a team, or a relationship, she can spare herself the pain of rejection by rejecting them first. She might find fault with the person, people, or group, so she can convince herself that she doesn’t want to belong with that group anyway. But someone like Susan will play some seemingly “protective” mind games with herself and then just move on with her life. BAITERs have a different and typically hidden agenda, and they move on to
that
rather than moving on with their life. So, ask yourself, are you failing to see that someone is gearing up to “get you” before you “get them?”

Resistance can be overt and in your face, or it can be subtle and deniable. Passive-aggressive sabotage is on the all-star hit parade list for BAITERs. They
love
this one, because they can do it and not get their hands dirty. Rather than tell you to your face how they feel, they just use “guerrilla warfare” to insidiously undermine all of your efforts.

Jason and Carl are both vying for a leadership position heading up a key project in their division at work. Jason gets the nod to lead the efforts, and Carl,
to Jason’s face
, says, “Hey, congratulations, I’m 100 percent behind you! Let’s make this work; just tell me how I can help.” Carl then passively sets about making sure that there isn’t one chance in a million that Jason will succeed. When Carl gets an assignment, he just seems to get confused and makes a mess of it—of course because the instructions were confusing. He miscommunicates with other members of the team, so they mess up. He passively fosters discontent among team members and fans the flames of their concern that they will be blamed. Meanwhile, he tells Jason that, in his opinion, everything is going swimmingly, and he should take a step back and let his team have some autonomy to make them feel a sense of ownership in the project. It’s the sign of a good leader: delegate, don’t micromanage. Then when the boss shows up looking for Jason, Carl is quick to say, “Who knows? I haven’t seen him in forever. And we could sure use some guidance here. We have no idea what the goal is. He has some of us working on one thing and some of us basically undoing what the others did. I mean, I want to help, but I don’t feel like I should get in his way. And I really feel like you deserve better. But Jason is such a great guy when he is here.”

He quietly sabotages Jason and then hides the damage until it’s too late to recover, throws him under the bus behind his back with staff and superiors, and then finishes by saying what a great guy he is while at the same time subtly applying to replace him. Of course, when he sees Jason, he reports only that the boss is really upset but that he told the boss what a great guy Jason is and covered as best he could. And not one time is Carl on the record in any accountable way! It is gutless, it is insidious, and it is very effective.

Yet another way to understand if, in fact, you are dealing with a BAITER is to ask yourself how a
true
friend would behave. What a BAITER does is exactly the opposite of that. A true friend wouldn’t lie to you, cheat you, or steal from you. A true friend wouldn’t take credit for work you did. A true friend wouldn’t throw you under the bus when there are problems.

There actually may be some genetic components to the behavior of people who fit the BAITER profile. Unfortunately, the research is inconclusive. As I said earlier, my focus here has been more on who they are and what they do than why they do it.

The roots of behavior are complex. What psychologists have learned is that these genetic factors have very likely been reinforced by a number of environmental factors including parent modeling over the years.
Children learn what they live.
If a child grows up with a parent who takes pride in “beating the system” or consistently cutting corners, taking advantage of friends and acquaintances, or even outright committing crimes, the child uses those behaviors as a reference point. The most powerful role model in any child’s life is the same-sex parent, so if sons watched their fathers cheat, abuse, and exploit, they are at high risk for following in their fathers’ footsteps. If daughters watched their mothers do the same thing, even entering into conspiracies to “lie to dad about what we bought” or hide the real magnitude of problems, that behavior can become well-learned.

By the time these BAITERs reach adolescence after having been exposed to this poor modeling, they’ve learned that all the patterns of behavior we’ve been discussing in this chapter—the strategy and tactics of the secret “playbook”—have actually helped them get what they want.

This is one reason BAITERs are so resistant to therapy. Counseling doesn’t always change their behavior; in fact, it sometimes reinforces it by enabling them to learn the symbol system of therapist, to describe the world in the language the therapist understands—in other words, therapy sometimes just teaches these BAITERs how to be better at what they do. It teaches them how to describe what they do so they can manipulate the people who are supposed to be helping them. They are being taught what sells. Their therapists are modeling for them how to mimic empathy, remorse, caring, and feeling.

Don’t be fooled: Sometimes people who are the most articulate in the language of therapy are just using it to advance their own interests. It’s just one more tool in their arsenal of manipulation. It creates the fictional awareness of insight, but it’s just encouraging you to draw a false conclusion about them.

The next time your gut instinct warns you about someone, don’t just hear what they are saying; really listen to their words. Are the words authentic, or are they just a “line?” And remember, actions speak louder than words. No amount of excuses and rationalization can cover repeated conflicts with authority, bankruptcies, defaults, or jail records. No amount of psychobabble can excuse bad behavior.

Just like a teenage girl on her first date, you’ve got to learn all the pick-up lines ahead of time so you won’t fall for them when the first guy springs them on you. And you don’t have to feel bad about saying no.

As I said in Chapter 2, it probably wouldn’t be very hard to think of a list of the people who have violated you. Now that you have a clear understanding of BAITERs’ traits and tactics, it’s time to make this list.

Recognize Potential Threats

In the following chart, write down the people in your current life who you fear are out to sabotage you or take what is yours and leave you in the dust. Next, write down which of the “Nefarious 15” they’re attempting to use against you. It could be one, or it could be several.