Lighter Shades of Grey (14 page)

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

A Family Trait

“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say…if I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.”

I gape at her. That sounds like good advice. (p398)

So now the both of you are sitting on the beach with your mouths hanging open. Excellent. I can see now why your collective milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

Is it two black faces, one white vase, or a psychopathic monster?

Take Christian literally. Immediately some of the things he’s said spring into my mind.

I don’t want to lose you…
You’ve bewitched me…
You’ve completely beguiled me…
I’ll miss you, too… more than you know… (p398)

OR:

“I have rules and I want you to comply with them”
“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful”
“I want you sore”
“He uses sex as a weapon”
“Next time you’ll be in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate”

In the words of the ever-wise Maya Angelou, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Ana’s mom, the relationship expert

I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all. (p398)

Possibly not so much about successful long-term relationships, though.

Mommy porn

My mother has disappeared to mould some candles or whatever she does with them. (p399)

Is anyone else picturing Ana’s mom –

No, no, no, no, no, not even I can make that joke and expect it to see print. Sorry. As you were.

Somehow I feel we’re not really getting to the heart of the issue here

Yes, [the crate in the cargo hold] was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is – the thought of you bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke – it’s true). I can lose the crate – crates do nothing for me. (p400)

So presumably if crates
did
do something for Christian, they’d still be up for discussion.

When I use a word, it means what I choose it to mean

[Christian to Ana, by email]

Frankly, I’m in awe of you, that one so innocent would be so willing to try. (p400)

Ana’s Alternative Dictionary

Awe, (
n
):

• a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of someone who lacks the experience to judge just how much of a bastard you really are
  

Ana on the subject of Christian’s formative sexual experiences

…the image of that evil witch Mrs Robinson comes into my mind. I just can’t picture it. (p405)

But you just
did
picture it.

Photo: Der_Krampus [flickr]

Ana’s thoughts on large age-gaps in relationships

Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it’s just so wrong. (p405)

The part most people would think of as wrong would be “anyone beating a child for sexual pleasure”. The age of the person doing the beating is something of a red herring.

What an age we live in

…on the third page, there’s a picture of me, with [Christian], at my graduation.

Holy Cow! I’m on Google! (p413)

Holy Cow!
I’m
on Google! And my house is on Google Maps! And the Pope has a website! And the Amish are on Facebook! It’s almost like we live in a digitised age where the sum of all human knowledge, from the life-changing to the arcane to the utterly trivial, is a mere click of a button away!

In which Ana gets some unusual parental advice, and Ana and Christian go gliding and take another bath

So he was in her luggage after all!

“Ana, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s Christian, he’s here.”

…I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom. (p418)

Don’t worry, I think she might figure that one out for herself.

Photo: gingerpig2000 [flickr]

Delayed gratification

“Christian, it’s lovely to meet you finally,” Mom interjects. (p421)

Yeah, it’s been, what, like, two whole weeks now?

Things mothers do not do

“Go to him! This is a beautiful location, very romantic…don’t feel you have to come back with me. I want you happy – and right now I think the key to your happiness is upstairs in room 612.” (p424)

1. Dear E L James. Can you honestly picture your mother sternly ordering you to go upstairs, never mind if you’re not in the mood right now and there’s other stuff you’re busy with, this is your mother talking, just get up those stairs and
   fuck your boyfriend
   ? Yeah, I thought not.
   

2. Especially if the first reaction you yourself had on seeing your boyfriend arrive was to turn pale with horror.
   

A tender moment

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks…

“Err…yesterday…”

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders...he reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. (p430)

1. …….
   

2. Although given his past form, I suppose we can all be grateful he didn’t invite her to lick it first.
   

Dead romantic

[Christian to Ana] “Perhaps I should be stricter with you…”

I swallow. Jeez, no. But at the same time, my muscles clench deliciously deep inside. It is his way of showing that he cares. (p436)

Oh, you’re right, Ana; he totally hits you because he cares. And family annihilators only kill their wives and children because they’re secretly really great fathers.

If Ana has five apples, and Christian has two apples…

“So I am number seventeen.”

He frowns at me not comprehending.

“Number of women you’ve um…had sex with.”

“Not exactly.”

“You said fifteen.” My confusion is obvious. (p439)

Ana,
monkeys
can add one more to fifteen and get the right answer.

How many lovers has Christian really had?

“What are we talking – tens, hundreds…thousands?”

“Tens. We’re in the tens, for pity’s sake.” (p440)

Just some number between sixteen and ninety-nine…practically a virgin, really.

Not everything you think of is automatically true

Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and it’s all foreign sounding. A vision of a glorious, pale-skinned vamp with raven hair and ruby-red lips comes to mind, and I know that she’s beautiful. (p448)

1. Oh, Ana. Why not try picturing her with a massive wart on the end of her nose and a bad, bouffy hairstyle? There you go. Now you know she’s funny-looking.
   

2. Some math for you. Christian is in his late twenties. That means his mother and her friends are probably in her early fifties.
   

3. I’m not saying women in their fifties can’t be beautiful. But - you know - maybe not quite so much with the glorious pale-skinned vamp, and a little more with the glamorous-sexy-and-interesting Meryl Streep type, yes?
   

Scary sky-lady is watching you

I notice the soft swell of pink and aquamarine in the sky behind. Dawn is following us. (p448)

But if you hide behind the couch and keep real quiet, maybe she’ll go away again.

Spatial orientation fail

The radio crackles into life, and Mark mentions three thousand feet. Jeez, that sounds high. I check the ground, and I can no longer clearly distinguish anything down there. (p453)

Actually, at 3,000 feet up you should still be able to make out plenty of detail, including rooftops, trees and road networks.

Photo: brewbooks [flickr]

Falling, with style

The plane banks and turns as the wing dips, and we spiral towards the sun…I am flying close to the sun, but he’s with me, leading me. (p453)

1. “Gliding” is essentially a very aerodynamically-efficient method of falling out of the sky. Your glider doesn’t have an engine, therefore it is incapable of generating further lift to take it
   towards
   the sun.
   

2. Of course, Gliders (like birds) can ride thermals as a means of counteracting the effects of gravity and achieving greater altitude. Unfortunately, the sun isn’t properly up yet, so no thermals for you.
   

Ana worries about talking in her sleep

Holy shit. I know I talk in my sleep. Kate has told me enough times. What the hell have I said? Oh no. (p462)

1. Ana, as anyone who has to share sleeping quarters with with a sleep-talker will tell you, somniloquy is pretty much the dictionary definition of what happens when we open our mouths without engaging our brains. My brother once woke his wife up to tell her the ceiling had collapsed and there was blood dripping off the walls. When she asked him about it in the morning, he said he wasn’t sure, but he thought maybe he’d been dreaming about fishing.
   

2. I thought you and Kate each had your own bedroom?
   

Christian is called back to Seattle unexpectedly

Oh no. The last “situation” [Christian] had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that. (p464)

Me too. I’d hate to think there were two women on the planet that dumb.

In which Ana finally comes to her senses. But there are two books more to come. So let’s face it, it’s not going to last.

Ana goes shopping with her mom

I managed this morning, with my mother’s help, to buy Christian a small gift to say thank you for first class and for the gliding. (p475)

Did your mom help you talk to the nice man behind the counter and count out the right money?

Taylor meets Ana at the airport

“Hello, Taylor.”

…“Ana. Can I take your bags, please?”

“No, I can manage. Thank you.”

His lips tighten perceptibly.

“But, if you’d be more comfortable taking them,” I stammer. (p476)

1. By my calculations, every single named character has now been in some way abusive or inappropriate towards Ana.
   

2. Ana, just out of interest - if you just ignored those tightened lips and hung onto your bags regardless, what’s the very worst that could happen?
   

Things that are not strange

[Taylor] drops me outside the impressive façade that is the entrance to Escala.

“In you go, ma’am,” he says…”I’ll bring up your luggage.”

…The elevator doors open, and I am in the foyer. It’s so strange not to be met by Taylor. (p478)

Although, since you left him outside the building and came up in the elevator alone, it would possibly have been a little more
strange if you
had
been.

Even stalkers have standards

[Ana to Christian] “I have a job.”

…”Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?”

“You don’t know?”

…”Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of course.” He looks wounded. (p481)