Lighter Shades of Grey (8 page)

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (8)

I head back to watch Christian move gracefully around his kitchen.

Photo: Chris-Millett [flickr]

Christian moving gracefully around his kitchen.

Ana circles the square

“The NDA, does it cover everything?” I ask tentatively.

“Why?”…

“Well, I have a few questions, you know, about sex.” I stare down at my fingers. “And I’d like to ask Kate.”(p132)

Seriously. Backbone. Get one.

Bizarre pieces of logic

“Your roommate is making the beast with two backs with my brother. I’d really rather you didn’t.” (p132)

Dear Christian,

1. “Having sex with a man” is not a synonym for “will automatically report every single conversation she has to said man”.
   

2. But if it’s really worrying you, maybe you could just ask Ana to ask Kate to sign a non-disclosure agreement? Because that would totally work.
   

Did you really need to ask this?

[Ana to Christian] “Does your family know about your…um, predilection?” (p132)

Christ, does
anyone’s
family know about their, um, predilections? Imagine discussing that over the Thanksgiving turkey.

Photo:
mattprice [flickr]

By any other name

He leans down and kisses me. My heart leaps and desire pools way down low…way down there. (p133)

Dear God Ana,

There are a million words you can use to describe this part of your body. If you want strict biological accuracy, you could talk about your vagina, your genitals or your sex organs. If you feel like getting in touch with your inner Nineteenth Century Woman, you could call it your motte, your mound, your notch or your quim. If you’re feeling cutesy, you could call it your cootchie, your itsy bitsy, your twinkle or your va-j-j (although I’m afraid if you do this, we can no longer be friends). If you’re an Anglophile, you could try your fanny, your tuppence, your fadge or your minge. If you want to feel like a porn star, you could talk about your pussy or your hole. If you’re feeling particularly liberated, you could channel Eve Ensler and call it your cunt.

But please, please, let’s not talk about “down there”. We’re not living in 1862. Feminism has happened. Own your body. All of it.

Christian and Ana take a bath

The bath is a white stone, deep, egg-shaped affair, very designer. (p133)

A bath in the form of a white egg-shaped stone? Sounds very inconvenient.

Tautological tautology

I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked. (p134)

Thanks for clarifying.

Christian makes the introductions

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” (p135)

1. Dear readers. Does anyone else have fond memories of that sweet, gawky, hugely endearing scene in Judy Blume’s “Forever” where Michael takes Kate’s hand, puts it on his penis, and says simply, “This is Ralph”?
   Well, maybe this scene is like a cosmic counterbalance to that one.
   

2. Dear Christian. Since this favorite and most cherished part of your body that you’re very attached to has already paid its inaugural visit to Ana’s Magical Cave of Wonders, it seems a little late to start with the formal introductions.
   

Have a little faith

It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line…He’s enjoying my astounded expression…That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible. (p135)

Ha! Wait till you give birth.

Ew, ew, ew

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavour popsicle. (p137)

Photo: thebittenword.com [flickr]

Not their best-selling line.

Anna finds her inner labrador

“Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”

Orgasm! Another one! (p138)

Dog biscuits for dinner! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!

Expanding horizons

“Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.” (p142)

What, like the village of one of those uncontacted tribes or something?

Suffocating parenting in action

[Christian’s mother, overheard talking to Mrs Jones]

“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian never sleeps in.” (p143)

Dear Mrs Grey,

1. There are many things Christian could be doing in his bedroom that do not necessarily involve either being in bed, or being ill. These include dressing, undressing, lounging around reading the papers, having sex, having solo sex, looking at his hair in the mirror, taking a little nap and staring blankly out of the window.
   

2. As a trained medical professional like yourself should know, even if he isn’t well, there’s quite a lot of room between “ill enough to be in bed” and “at Death’s door”. Some of us prefer to puke into a basin without an audience.
   

3. If Christian really is in his late twenties and no longer lives at home, how the hell would you know whether or not he sleeps late occasionally?
   

An outstanding piece of explanation

[Mrs Jones to Mrs Grey] “Mrs Grey, he’s not alone.”

What do you mean he’s not alone?”

“He has someone with him.” (p143)

Brilliant! This might just beat “I like to build things” from Chapter One.

In which Ana meets Christian’s mother and – against all expectation – gets home safely

The world’s most awkward encounter

“Come on, we need to get dressed – that’s if you want to meet my mother.”

…”I have no clean clothes in here.”

…”You can wear something of mine.” (p145)

Or maybe Ana could just go out naked and carrying a huge placard with the words “I FUCKED YOUR SON TILL HIS EYES ROLLED BACK IN HIS HEAD”, written in blood and maybe a little bit of bodily fluids. That would work too.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad

Perhaps meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why Christian is the way he is… (p145)

Things Ana might notice about Christian’s mother that help explain the way he is

EITHER

• Christian’s mother is wearing a leather catsuit
  

• Christian’s mother makes him crawl around on his hands and knees and bark like a dog
  

• Christian’s mother makes frequent lascivious references to how much she enjoyed spanking him when he was a little boy
  

• Christian’s mother has a bible tucked under her arm and a mad gleam in her eye and makes frequent reference to Sinful Fornicators Who Will Burn In Hell
  

• Christian’s mother insists on wearing Marigolds even though she’s not doing the dishes
  

OR

• Christian’s mother is a perfectly nice, normal woman who just wants to meet her son’s girlfriend
  

• Because back in the real world, where the well-rounded grown-ups live, an interest in BDSM says about as much about your mental health and childhood experiences as an interest in philately.
  

Ana meets Christian’s mother

“What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes. (p145)

I could spend hours thinking of reasons why Christian’s mother might be relieved, but my personal favourite is that she’s thinking, “Well, shit, at least he hasn’t killed this one.”

Continuity fail

“This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved...you’d be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs.

Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop… (p148)

1. Internet! Ohboyohboyohboy, my favourite!
   

2. Ana, if you need a computer to help you interpret clauses such as “The Submissive will remember to eat, breathe, sleep and not fuck other men” or “The Dominant will not piss on you, light you on fire, or piss on you if you are on fire” then you might want to re-think your ability to live in the real world.
   

3. Please regale me with your explanation of how you have managed to get through four years at college without your own computer.
   

4. This is a minor point, but while you’re at it, could you explain how, without having access to a computer of your own, you managed to put any music on that iPod of yours?
   

Sometimes people think about stuff which has nothing at all to do with the people they work for

“Safe trip, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.” Taylor looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his grey eyes.

No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr Grey’s dubious sexual habits. (p149)

Could be, Ana. Or maybe he’s thinking about the girl he’s meeting at the bar later. Or how the Mariners will do this season. Or whether he remembered to switch the iron off. Or how his mom got on at the hospital this morning. Or what to have for dinner.

But you’re probably right; he’s almost certainly thinking about you. Because of all the things there are to think about in this world, other peoples’ sex lives are always by far the most fascinating.

A mother’s worst nightmare

“My mother liked you,” he says dryly.

“Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure.

“Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.” (p152)

Oh, Mrs Grey, your son isn’t
gay
! Good Lord, no! He’s just a sadistic, emotionally-closed man-child with marked sociopathic tendencies whose best approximation of human intimacy is to kidnap women from imaginary dangers so he can tie them up and cane them!

So you can relax. Because at least he’s not in a loving, functioning, mutually satisfying relationship with someone with a Y chromosome.