Lighter Shades of Grey (9 page)

Photo:
BlindGrasshopper [flickr]

Here’s to you, Mrs Robinson

[Christian to Ana] “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”

“Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! (p154)

Holy shit that’s child abuse and the statutory rape of a minor! Holy shit that’s another major felony that’s completely failed to raise a blip on your moral radar! Holy shit if I just freakin’
killed someone right in front of you and asked you to help me hide the body
, would you call the cops on me or just shrug and reach for the shovel?

Ana and Christian discuss their future together

“Is this what our, err…relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You ordering me around?”

…”Yes, he murmurs…”And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low.

I seriously doubt that. (p155)

Then
don’t frickin’ do it
, you loser. If Christian Grey told you to stick your hand in a blender because according to him you might enjoy it, would you – no, wait, actually you probably would.

Christian Grey, expert in body-language

“I’m glad you can’t read my mind.”

“Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” (p157)

Just so we’re clear, Christian - is that before or after the incident when you were unable to distinguish between Ana having an orgasm and Ana in agonising pain?

Ana comes over all flirty

“Oh…by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. (p158)

And somewhere in a parallel universe, Christian Grey gives Ana a coy smile, hoicks up his own waistband, and murmurs, “What a coincidence…”

Again. Spine.

[Kate to Ana] “Well, how was it?...”

…suddenly I feel shy. I blush. It was very private. All of it. Seeing and knowing what Christian has to hide. But I have to give her some details, because she won’t leave me alone until I do. (p158)

No, Ana, you really don’t need to tell her anything at all.

Then again, you didn’t need to let her stand over you in the bath and shave your armpits for you either.

Ana starts hallucinating

My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face…

My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. (p159)

1. Are your inner goddess and your subconscious aware of each other’s presence? Do you think maybe they discuss you when you’re not there? Do they have special afternoon tea-parties where they put rum in their tea and giggle a lot before passing out in the cream-cakes?
   

2. The whole point of the NDA is to
   limit
   the amount of airtime his sexual predilections receive. Of course he isn’t going to sue, you dimwit.
   

Ana remembers something important

Moving. Crap – I’d forgotten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. (p160)

That’s okay Ana, you can’t remember where you’re supposed to be moving to anyway.

The world’s luckiest outcome

[Ana to Kate] “Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”

…“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.” (p161)

Let’s hope you can find them once they’re opened.

Continuity fail

Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope. (p164)

Ana, this moment where you open the envelope containing your and Christian’s proposed contract would have carried so much more tension if you hadn’t already read and extensively discussed the thing, back on page 105.

In which Ana discovers the infinite playground of wonders that is the digital age

When drafting a really iron-clad contract, it’s important to cover all eventualities

4. The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes and Hepatitis. If…either party should be diagnosed with…any such illness he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately.

…Any breach [of this clause] will render [this contract] void with immediate effect. (p166)

“Right! That’s it! You wilfully infected me with a life-limiting disease and so I am
cancelling this contract
, do you hear me?”

That would totally be the first thing on my mind, too.

Ew ew ew ew ew

15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times. (p169)

Will he be cleaning it all himself, or is this another job for Mrs Jones the housekeeper?

Twenty-first century woman

Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words…obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that? (p175)

Not since about 1928, love, no.

Ana has a conversation with two people who aren’t even there

You can’t seriously be considering this…My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company. (p176)

1. Actually, Ana, your subconscious almost always sounds sane and rational. There’s very little she’s said so far that I’d disagree with.
   

2. “We” can’t possibly end up “alone” since pretty much by definition, being “alone” requires an absence of plurality.
   

3. Number of people on the planet: 6.8 billion
   Number of men on the planet: about 3.4 billion
   Number of men you have so far attempted to have a relationship with: 1
   Number of men remaining: 3,399,999,999
   Amount of sense you are making in concluding that not being Christian’s Submissive will automatically lead to you becoming a lonely old cat-lady: too small to compute
   

4. And besides what’s so terrible about being a lonely old cat-lady, hey? Hey?
   Hey?
   

Am I the only one who thinks Ana might actually be happier with Kate?

Perhaps I should borrow Kate’s pink flannel pyjamas. I want something cuddly and reassuring about me. (p176)

Am I submissive?...I’m shy, yes…but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same? (p176)

Hard to say, really. Does Kate bullying you turn you on? Did you enjoy it when she got in the bath with you and helped you remove your body-hair?

And do you often share nightclothes?

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

Things that are not dreams (4)

I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster beds and shackles and intense grey eyes. (p177)

It’s like you just flicked through a copy of the
Agent Provocateur
catalogue and cut out some random shapes and stuck them in an album, isn’t it?

How very dare he: the world’s rudest delivery guy

“I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.”

“Really? At this time?”

“Only following orders, ma’am.”…

Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight?...My mouth puckers in disgust. (p177)

Disgusting! How dare he behave in a respectful and courteous manner! What the hell happened to the days when deliverymen turned up in their dirty underwear, threw the parcel at your head, tweaked your left nipple, kicked the cat, cursed out the kids, insulted your husband, spat off your porch and pissed in the mailbox?

Oh come
on

“Well, this [MacBook Pro] has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details…”

“Me account?”

“Your new email address.”

I have an email address? (p178)

Ana, at this point I’m starting to wonder if you even have a pulse.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (9)

José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gambolling dark-eyed puppy. (p182)

Awww. Does he leave a little excited puddle on the floor, too?

Teenage kicks

Miss Steele

Stop e-mailing me – and do your assignment.
I’d like to award another A.
The last one was so well deserved. ;)

Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley…oh my. (p184)

Ana’s scale of gestures that tell you someone likes you

• Going for coffee =
  he probably does this with all the girls
  

• Taking me for a ride in his helicopter =
  well, it’s quicker than the freeway
  

• Having wild dirty sex all over the house =
  maybe he was just being a good host
  

• Sending me a winking smiley:
  OMG I THINK HE MIGHT LIKE ME <3 <3 <3
  

In which Christian date-rapes Ana, but no-one seems to notice

Ana feels the need for some exercise

For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. (p187)

So in the past, people have been making you run under duress?

Actually, I can believe that.

Ana’s sneakers are nasty even though she never wears them

I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, some sweat pants, and a t-shirt. (p187)

Maybe the Sneaker Gnomes have been borrowing them when you’re not looking.

Or maybe Kate and José try them on sometimes. Because it’s one way for them to get closer to you.

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (2)

Kate is walking from her car as I head out of the door. She nearly drops her shopping when she sees me. Ana Steele in sneakers. (p187)

Photo:
triplefivechina [flickr]

Photo:
giuskalab [flickr]

Oh, I totally see her point.

Bet Ana’s parents are really glad they worked so hard on building that college fund

Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn’t. My research has told me that legally it’s unenforceable. (p187)

No, Ana, you don’t know this because of your research. You know this because of the
seventeen years of reasonably high-quality education you’ve received
, during which at some point you presumably covered the Abolitionist movement, which made slavery of all kinds illegal.