Lighter Shades of Grey (7 page)

Actually, Ana, the point is to please
both of you
.

If only one of you is enjoying it, something is seriously wrong.

No wonder the BDSM community is so angry about this book

“I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for my pleasure…it’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”

“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”

…”Me,” he says simply. (p101)

Again – this is not how sexual relationships of any kind are supposed to work. The whole point is that both parties are supposed to enjoy
the act itself.

Sex is not supposed to be like sitting through a Slasher movie every single night even though you hate them because your partner really, really likes Slasher movies and has no other interests whatsoever, and if you want to do absolutely anything else, like go to dinner or see friends or something, you have to do it on your own, but you lurve him so much you honestly think you’re willing to put up with a lifetime of Slasher movies. Because at some point, you’ll wish he was willing to put in the effort and do something
you
like for a change, and then he’ll be upset because he told you from the start how it was, and you’ll be upset because you hoped he’d love you enough to change, and you’ll start resenting each other, and it will end in fights and plate-throwing and lawyers and settlements and arguing over who gets to keep the Dobermanns.

I don’t care how good his hair is or how well his pants hang from his hips. These things are important.

Christian may be moving a little fast

[We’re in] a bedroom with a large double bed, all in white…

“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in here.”

“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” I can’t hide the horror in my voice.

“Not full time. Just, say, Friday evening through Sunday.” (p101)

Although, Ana, to be fair to Christian, it is just possible he’s trying to help you out here. After all, you did claim to have forgotten where you live a few pages ago.

The best Freudian slip I’ve seen in ages

[Christian to Ana] “This is the only sort of relationship I’m interesting in.” (Kindle edition only, p103, location 2931)

Never a truer word…

Ana the literature student is baffled by a metaphor

“Why is anyone the way they are?...Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs Jones – my housekeeper – has left this for supper.” He takes some large, white plates from a cupboard…

We’re talking about cheese…Holy crap. (p103)

Well, yes. Yes you are.

Photo: julesjulesjules m [flickr]

Ana considers the option of Dutch courage

“Physically, will you hurt me?”

“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.”

I think I feel a little faint. I take another sip of wine. Alcohol – this will make me brave. (p104)

EITHER:

Alcohol will make Ana braver and more confident

OR

Alcohol will make Ana dumber and less inhibited, causing her to do things she’ll regret in the morning

Christian suddenly experiences an attack of moral scruples

“When you’ve had sex before, was there anything that you didn’t like doing?”

For the first time in what seems to be ages, I blush…

“Well…I’ve not had sex before, so I don’t know.” My voice is small. I peek up at him, and he’s staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale – really pale. (p108)

The Christian Grey Code of Relationship Etiquette

• Installing stalking software on the phone of a woman you’ve met a maximum of twice =
  okay
  

• Using stalking software to track woman down when she’s explicitly said she doesn’t want to see you =
  okay
  

• Possibly drugging her =
  okay
  

• Quite definitely taking her unconscious self to a location she didn’t consent to =
  okay
  

• Undressing her without her consent =
  okay
  

• Sharing her bed without her consent =
  okay
  

• Allowing your henchman sufficient access to her person to reliably purchase well-fitting underwear for her =
  okay
  

• Using her obvious interest in you to coerce her into sexual practices she’s clearly unsure about =
  okay
  

• But if it turns out she’s not previously had penetrative sex with a man =
  Suddenly none of this is okay
  

Christian finds a solution

“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”

“What do you mean? What situation?”

“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”(p110)

…after which we’ll be going straight back to the coercion and the violence and the Hard Fucking. Because it’s only Not Okay to do these things to virgins.

Christian engages in some pointless sexual bullying

“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.”(p115)

Why?

Basic anatomy fail (3)

“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. (p117)

Listen up please Ana,

1. Your hymen (assuming you still have one…thanks to the effects of riding bikes, going horse-riding, using tampons or working out in gym class, quite a lot of us don’t) is part of your vulva. This means it’s right at the entrance of your vagina, not deep inside.
   

2. “Pinching” implies something being drawn together or squeezed. This is pretty much the opposite of what happens when your hymen tears.
   

3. Therefore, whatever it is Christian’s done to you, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve him “ripping through your virginity”. Consider seeing a gynaecologist.
   

4. One final point – plenty of virgins (including absolutely all the male ones) don’t have their hymen, and in a few rare cases, women who have their hymen have long since dispensed with their virginity. Please do not conflate the presence or absence of a small membrane of skin with whether you have or haven’t had sex.
   

Christian slightly misses the point

“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers. (p118)

No, don’t come for him, Ana. Come for yourself. Your sexual pleasure belongs entirely to you.

Christian tries to work out if Ana had a good time

“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks…

I’m relaxed, deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can’t stop grinning…

“You’re biting your lip, and you haven’t answered me.” He’s frowning. (p118)

Ana, for your own safety – and I cannot emphasise this enough – do
not
put yourself in a position with this man where it’s important he can reliably tell the difference between “you really enjoying something and wanting it to carry on” and “you being in severe pain and wanting it all to stop”.

These days, it is not actually possible to own another human being

“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” (p119)

Dear Ana,

1. Christian finding you sexy does not make you “his, only his”.
   

2. Him putting his penis in you does not make you “his, only his”.
   

3. You having an orgasm does not make you “his, only his”.
   

4. You belong to yourself, only yourself.
   

5. And Christian Grey is insane, completely insane.
   

Ew

“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.” His thumb pressed on my tongue, and my mouth closes around him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it erotic. (p120)

Ana, I agree with exactly half your assessment. Guess which half.

Christian demonstrates his great concern for Ana’s welfare

“Oh, please,” I beg. I’m not sure I can take much more. My body is wound so tight, craving release.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs. (p121)

Oh, hey, Christian - you know what else is fun? If you wipe your own ass with your fingers and then touch her without washing them, you can probably give her a nasty case of cystitis!

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (7)

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing…He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. (p122)

Note to self: when invited round to Christian’s for drinks, never, ever, ever sit down on the piano stool.

Maybe E L James had exactly the same thought

I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants. (p122)

Oh, okay – that special kind of naked where you’re not actually naked. Good to know.

Pas devant les domestiques

We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets – evidence of my lost virginity…

“Well, that’s going to give Mrs Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters. (p123)

Yeah, Christian, I bet she’ll be absolutely scandalised. Because, in all the time she’s been swilling off the floor and washing the cushion covers and polishing the mahogany in your Red Room of Pain, having vanilla sex in an ordinary bed with a girl who happens to be a virgin is
absolutely the worst thing she’s ever seen you do.

In which Ana takes a bath, and Kate takes an unnatural interest

A poor understanding of the law

How could anyone look this good and still be legal? I remember his room upstairs…perhaps he’s not legal. (p125)

Oddly enough, Ana, showing off his room containing a polished mahogany cross, a large nineteenth-century bed covered in oxblood leather, a chest of drawers and a collection of funny-looking feathery implements is probably the least illegal thing he’s done to you so far.

Ana’s sedentary lifestyle

Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles – jeez, it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. (p126)

Well, Ana, since you weren’t allowed to move, some people might say you still haven’t.

Ana finally takes an interest in her personal safety

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard. I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in. (p126)

1. Hairstyles, however well-chosen, are rarely a successful protection against a determined assailant. If you feel threatened, you may want to consider a Taser, a can of Mace, or using the power of physical movement to transport yourself out of the apartment before he wakes up.
   

2. On the other hand, you could just plug your iPod in and set the volume to loud. That way, you won’t have to endure the unpleasantness of hearing him creeping up behind you before he slices off your head and puts it in the fridge for a little snack later.
   

Kate and Ana, sitting in a tree…

[Kate to Ana] “Did you?” She’s fishing for information… “Ana, don’t hold out on me, I’ve been waiting for this day for nearly four years.”

Dear Kate,

1. Since “nearly four years” is exactly the length of time you’ve known each other, that means you found out Ana was a virgin
   the very first time you met
   . Do you ask all new acquaintances whether they’ve busted their cherry yet? Or was Ana a special case?
   

2. Don’t know about you, but I stopped taking an interest in Who’d Had Sex and Who Was Still A Virgin when I was about fifteen. Just saying.
   

Ana contemplates how she’s going to explain things to Kate

This is going to be one difficult square to circle. She’s so tenacious, and she wants to know – in detail, and I can’t tell her because I’ve signed a – what was it called? NDA. She’ll freak and rightly so. I need a plan. (p131)

Ana,

1. The idiom you’re looking for is “to square the circle”, i.e. to accomplish a seemingly impossible task. Therefore technically, it will be a difficult circle to square.
   

2. You are under no obligation to tell your weirdly prurient friend anything at all about your sex life.
   

3. However, if you
   do
   want to tell her about how you weren’t allowed to wriggle and Christian made you lick your own blood off his thumb – even if the NDA had any force in law whatsoever (which it doesn’t)…
   

4. …do you honestly picture a future where Christian Grey takes time out from ruling the universe to stand up in front of a judge and say “She told her best friend we had sex and she promised she wouldn’t and
   that’s not fa-ir
   ”?
   

5. Forget the plan - I think the thing you’re actually missing is a Backbone.