Lighter Shades of Grey (2 page)

Further speculation on Christian Grey’s hiring practices

Perhaps Mr Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African-American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. (p7)

Okay Ana,

1. Between 2% and 4% of the world’s population are naturally blonde. Even if this were legal (which we’ll get to shortly), insisting on all your employees being blonde would create a ridiculously restrictive limit on your available talent pool, as well as making everyone who came across you question your sanity. Since Christian Grey is apparently very successful and well-regarded, the chances of him imposing such a bizarre requirement are small.
   

2. Please stop speculating if this is legal or not. You have been to college.
   

3. Your entire theory is based on meeting a total of two employees. This is an absurdly small sample and any conclusions drawn from such an inadequate range are highly likely to be wrong. For example, if I were to judge your entire novel based on the one per cent I’ve read so far, I might accidentally conclude it was written by an idiot.
   

4. This is the best example of tokenism I have ever seen. You may be eligible for some sort of award.
   

5. Your statement “I have definitely worn the wrong clothes” implies that briefly sharing physical space with a black man requires some sort of special outfit. Please elaborate.
   

Anastasia enters Christian’s office

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. (p7)

Hey there E L,

1. We all know that “Fifty Shades” began as a “Twilight” Fan Fiction. We all also know that falling over with no provocation is one of Bella Swan’s most recognisable traits. However, the minute you used the Find / Replace function to convert from Bella Swan to Anastasia Steele, you instantly became free of the constraints of your original genre. Anastasia is not obliged to fall over. You may want to consider this, because…
   

2. I have been in a lot of meetings in my life, and I have seen a lot of people walk through a lot of doors to get into them. However, I have never, ever, ever seen a grown adult (man or woman) fall over and land face-down on the floor of a meeting-room. And I’m including meetings where half the participants were drunk.
   

I’m not saying it never happens. I’m just saying it doesn’t sound very plausible, and therefore it sounds dumb.

We get to see what Christian Grey looks like

He’s tall…with unruly dark-copper-coloured hair (p7)

Note to readers: this in itself is not annoying. However, it represents the start of a disconcerting love-affair with Robert Pattinson’s Twilight hairstyle that will shortly become excruciating.

Christian Grey’s office

His office is way too big for just one man. (p8)

That would be because his office is also his meeting room, where he holds his meetings, which involve other people coming into the room and then being in it.

Christian Grey explains the secrets of his business success

“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivise them.” (p10)

Hi there, Christian, nice to meet you. Now listen up:

1. This is not how real people talk.
   

2. Especially since the idiom you’re actually looking for is “what makes them tick”.
   

More magnificence from Mr Grey’s Big Book of Business

“My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that.” (p10)

Dear Christian,

Talking about yourself in the third person is an inherently weird thing to do. This is true even if you are the Queen of England. The Queen of England is eighty-six and has never had anyone correct her on it. What’s your excuse?

Businesspeople have projects, plans, objectives, goals, proposals, enterprises or ventures. Schemes are for Super-villains.

Even more magnificence

“I make decisions based on logic and facts.”(p10)

Christ almighty, as opposed to what?

This is all from the same unbroken paragraph of direct speech, by the way

“I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people.”(p10)

I bet you can also design roller-coasters in under six hours and stare at the sun unblinking.

Christian’s thoughts on how to win friends and influence people

“Immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.” (p10)

1. No, I think it’s probably acquired by a whole lot of hard work.
   

2. If you want to impress a girl (rather than have her run screaming from the room with her coat over her head), then this is really more of a third-date revelation.
   

Bizarre hiring policies

“I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele…If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make their mortgage payments after a month or so.”(p10)

Possible explanations for this extraordinary remark:

1. Your entire empire is telecommunications, therefore forty thousand telecoms employees. Your business is so lamentably over-staffed that any buyer could instantly lay off at least half your workforce within a month of purchase with no consequences whatsoever – something which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
   

2. Telecommunications represents half of your business empire, and is staffed in proportion. If you were to sell it, the buyer would somehow be able to run it at a profit without needing anyone working for them at all – a point which you (despite your apparently ruthless dedication to business success) have completely overlooked. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
   

3. You’re indulging in a spot of dubious grandstanding to impress Anastasia. Therefore, you’re an idiot.
   

Christian in his spare time

“I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and absorbing hobbies.”(p11)

Soon he’ll be offering to show her his special gold-plated toilet-paper.

Question: “You invest in manufacturing. Why, specifically?”

Answer: “I like to build things.”(p11)

I laughed so loudly at this that the cat got up and ran out of the room in a panic.

More wisdom on the subject of manufacturing

“I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?” (p11)

Hi again, Christian,

1. “Investing in manufacturing” is not the same as “making stuff”. Most CEOs are too busy running the company to personally make the stuff the company sells. This is why huge businesses generally employ more than one person.
   

2. “Manufacturing” is not a synonym for “liking ships”.
   

“Are you gay, Mr Grey?”

I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind of filter before I read this straight out? (p13)

Hell if I know, Ana. Maybe you’re related to Ron Burgundy?

Christian’s PA is astounded by a last-minute change to his schedule

“We’re not finished here, Andrea. Please cancel my next meeting.”

Andrea hesitates, gaping at him. She appears lost. (p14)

Photo: Ambient Damage [flickr]

Later that day, Christian asked for a different sort of biscuit with his coffee, and Andrea keeled over and died.

World’s most ill-considered job offer

“We run an excellent internship program here,” he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Is he offering me a job? (p15)

Well, Ana, since he doesn’t know who you are, what you’re good at or even what your major is, I sincerely hope he isn’t. That would be the act of an idiot. And I would so hate to think of Christian Grey as an idiot.

In which we learn more about Anastasia’s family and get to marvel at how very, very literary our heroine is

Anastasia has no self-awareness

No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? (p17)

Yes; finding yourself attracted to a good-looking, age-appropriate billionaire who clearly also fancies you back makes 
absolutely no sense at all
.

Anastasia and the law: round two

As I hit the I-5, I realise I can drive as fast as I want. (p18)

Um, no. No you can’t. You can drive at speeds up to and including the applicable speed limit. Same as always.

Sauce for the goose: Kate’s commentary on Anastasia’s love-life

“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts. (p21)

Just out of interest, why does no-one ever ask Anastasia if she’s gay?

Photo: CarbonNYC [flickr]

Obligatory clunky intertextuality (1)

I work on my essay on Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Damn, but that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century. (p21)

Yep, she should have been born in our time. These days, we’re totally down with stabbing your lover through the heart because he makes an ill-judged crack about your ex-husband.

Things that are not dreams (1)

That night I dream of dark places, bleak cold white floors, and grey eyes. (p22)

Really? How does that work, then? Are the bleak cold white floors in the dark places? If the places are dark, how can you see the bleak cold whiteness of the bleak cold white floors? Or do you move from one to the other – like, one minute you’re in a dark place, the next minute you’re standing on a bleak cold white floor? And how about the eyes – are they just rolling around loose on the floor, or what?

Fundamental misunderstanding of how home-based businesses work

[My mother] proceeds to tell me about her latest venture into candle-making…I hope she hasn’t mortgaged the house to finance this latest scheme. (p22)

1. Unless she’s actually built a candle-making factory in the back garden, I seriously doubt she will need to mortgage the house to pay for her starter-kit.
   

2. Very few banks would sign off on a mortgage where the stated purpose was “Start candle-making business. Get rich. Buy island in sunshine. etc.”
   

Obligatory piece of clunky intertextuality (2)

Ray is a skilled carpenter and the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. (p23)

1. No, the reason you know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw is because they are absolutely nothing alike.
   

2. Being able to quote from someone else’s masterpiece does not imply that you yourself are actually clever.
   

Anastasia the alcoholic

Standing on our doorstep is my good friend José, clutching a bottle of champagne. (p23)

At this point I would just like to flag up that – despite a later claim that she never gets drunk – Anastasia gets through a really quite astonishing quantity of alcohol in this novel.

A poor basis for a friendship

Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Ray and José Senior were in the same army unit together. (p23)

I doubt my dad could pick my friends’ dads out of a police line-up. Does this mean we should cancel our friendships and start hanging out with the children of people our parents went to war and traumatically shot foreigners with?

She has read too many books, and it has addled her brain

Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. (p24)

1. Mr Rochester was sarcastic, mocking and frequently cruel. Mr Darcy was rude and socially awkward. Alec D’Urberville was a rapist, and Angel Clare ran for the hills as soon as he found out he wasn’t marrying a virgin. Heathcliff was a psychopath Exactly which of your ideals and expectations would you say these men have set far too high?
   

2. Although thinking ahead to who you actually end up falling for…
   

3. Has anyone, anywhere, ever met anyone, anywhere, who died a virgin and a mad old cat lady solely because they never met anyone who matched up to Mr Darcy?